Open adoption costs

Entering into adoption affects people in profound ways. I cannot speak to the birth mother’s experience or how the kept children may feel (though my siblings have shared some of their feelings with me). But as an adoptee, there were certain costs of adoption to me even in open adoption.

Open adoption was supposed to “solve” some of the problems associated with closed adoption such as genetic mirroring. While I may have had answers to certain questions, I still faced issues and complexities that are intrinsic to the open adoption experience. I was in the unique position of transitioning between two families and maintaining a delicate balance that was easily upset. I’d like to share a few of the issues I faced as an adoptee in open adoption.

Open adoption opened me to …

1. Knowledge: I never had to wonder what I was missing out on. I never wondered what my biological family was like. I didn’t daydream that my mother was a movie star or that my father was a successful businessman. I knew exactly who and what they were. I knew my mom was beautiful and had a fun personality. I knew my sister was witty. I knew they both made me laugh and that they were full of life. With open adoption I had a very real sense of what I was missing.
   
2. Fluidity: When my adoptive mother had a close relationship with my biological mother, I was close to my biological mom too. I had more contact and visits during those time periods. On the flip side, when my adoptive mom got busy and neglected that relationship, the two of them had less contact and that affected me. As a child, your contact with those that your parents are close to is contingent on the relationships the adults maintain. When the open adoption relationships between the adults are strong, the child’s may be too. When those relationships subside, the adoptee’s relationships may falter as well.
3. Lack of sibling bonds: When I see my siblings with each other, their bond is inexplicable to me. There is a comfort and familiarity they enjoy with each other. They talk about their understanding that they will always be there for one another and they seem to want to include me in that circle, but I don’t enjoy the same foundation as they have with each other. Though open adoption allowed us to have glimpses into each other’s lives, we didn’t grow up with the common daily shared experience of the same dinners, parenting, school and church together.
4. Loss: There was loss of traditions. There was loss of a complete immersion in my race, heritage and culture. There was loss of sibling relationships. There was loss of family. There was loss of a strong sense of identity. These are just a few of the losses which are ongoing.
5. Neither here nor there: I didn’t feel completely within either family. If you ask me which family I consider my family, my answer is neither of them. I was adopted into one family and adopted out of the other. I felt in limbo. There were reintroduction periods to both families after I was apart from them and I was forced to transition back in. All of this led to a place where I never felt fully in either family.
6. Insecurity: It was difficult to establish a strong sense of identity for myself. Without that foundation, it left plenty of room for insecurity. It was difficult to develop meaningful relationships with others when I had an eye out for how the relationship might end, and being ever aware of exits doesn’t exactly lend itself to creating bonds with others.
7. Rejection, hostility and numbness: The complexity of being a child in open adoption led to feelings of rejection. As the feelings of rejection built up, my outlet was hostility. Soon I learned that hostility was an inappropriate outlet and that it wouldn’t be tolerated by others. Numbness was my answer to that. I didn’t have to worry about inappropriate emotional responses because I quit feeling anything. Again, not a great way to bond with others.
8. Complexity in relationships: Not for entertainment value, but watch an open adoption adoptee explain why she has two moms present at an event. One of two things may happen. She either goes into an extensive explanation about why she has two mothers present and how “lucky” she is. Or, she shows the person questioning her how much she doesn’t care about their “dumb” opinions or questions. (see #7)
9. Questioned family loyalty: Each family wanted to know that I felt the loyal to them. To this day, I hear adoptive moms in open adoption say that their adoptive kids know who their “real” mom is. I hear the same thing from first moms. The desire to know the adoptee will be loyal is intense – for both families. And yes, some extended family members on both sides didn’t mind to outright question me about this.
10. Repeated trauma: The fact is, my biological mom left me. Again and again I experienced abandonment each and every time she left. She didn’t take me with her to stay. It was always a visit. I watched my family leave together, time after time. It was painful and difficult to endure.