“You Can’t Have Your Cake and Eat it Too”
Once again the public has shown what people really think about birthmothers. Oh, let’s forget for one second the false sense of grandeur that the adoption industry likes to project. Let’s forget about all the claims of “creating a family” and ” choosing life”. Let’s erase calls of “selfless, strong decisions” and “knowing what’s best for your baby”. Away from the adoption community where adoptive parents thank God for blessing them with the birthmothers of their children and away from the proud birthmothers who still find comfort in “meant to be”. The reality is that people hate birthmothers.
Oh, I mean hate. I mean viciously, judgmentally, without a shred of compassion, armed with cruelty, malice, and downright ignorance; the general public really despises birthmothers who place their children for adoption. The hatred for the relinquishing mother is only to be topped by the venom spit on the audacity of the birthmother who “chooses an open adoption” and expects that promise of ongoing contact to be kept.
“OPEN Adoption really….the natural mother wants her cake and eat it too… I will give you my child so I can finish school…have a life….while you take care of her…spend money on her for clothes and food schooling…etc……stay up all night when she is sick….take her to the doctors…AND LOVE HER…and then she can come visit and bring her a lil present…and go off and live her life with no cares in the world to make her life easier.”
“she can’t have it both ways… she can’t have her cake and eat it too…she speaks like she’s still the mother… if I adopted a child I wouldn’t want the birth mother all involved either..no pictures…. nothing what so ever.”
How Can Birthmothers Have it Both Ways?
“Someone should have explained that you can’t have it both ways. When we play, we have to pay… one way or another, payday comes in many ways. Grief and loss, sorrow and despair.”
“Let them go or grow up and keep the child, but you cannot have it both ways. … After all you gave them up.”
“She should have not had sex or should have better protected herself to begin with if she was not ready for a baby. also she gave the baby up for adoption yet still expected to have a relationship & pictures. sorry but you cannot have it both ways.”
Yes, Birthmothers CAN have it both ways. We can be family building angles before we sign the relinquishments and bad mothers whose children are best off without our interference immediately upon signing such papers. The irony is astounding.
On one hand, we have all these adoption agencies, counselors, fascinators, lawyers and other adoption professionals joining hands and singing Kumbaya with adoptive parents, some adoptees, and other happy birthmothers telling us how “wonderful” it is to “make an adoption plan“. I’m not going to go off on how they plot, plan, coercive, counsel, outright threaten, lie, betray, mislead, and misinform on a national scale that borderlines on conspiracy in order to “assist” expectant mothers facing an unplanned pregnancy in order to get them sign the relinquishment consent forms. I will refrain from a tangent about how the concept of open adoption was based off of market research showing that mothers rejected adoption because they couldn’t handle not seeing what happened to their children. Let’s just say that in adoption is promoted as a wonderful choice and open adoption is the carrot waved in front of mothers’ noises to convince then to relinquish.
The general public also hates the idea of single mothers needing public assistance to have unplanned children because they become “welfare mothers” who suck off the entitled teat of hard working tax payers for the rest of their lives. The general though is that if more women considered adoption, then the idea is that there would be less abortion, child abuse, poverty, single mothers, uneducated women, and domestic violence, with more happy adoptive families that deserve to be parents and have the societal approval of “ready to parent” in a two parent household, that the moral majority likes to strongly infer.
Unplanned pregnancies are bad. Single motherhood is bad. Adoption is good.
Do “Good ” Mothers Chose Adoption?
We are presented with the choice between adoption that will save the burden on tax payers, create beautiful deserving perfect families and probably reduce global warming on one side and the terrors of all that “unplanned motherhood” induces on the other. “Sometimes becoming a birthmother is being a good mother”, they say and so, about 15,000 mothers “choose” to relinquish their children to adoption every year. They are promised “open adoptions” so they can choose the level of contact they want with their children and at reassured that their soul numbing grief will turn to feelings of “peace and contentment” as they see their babies enjoy the wonderful lives that they could not provide.
I don’t care what you think you know about adoption in the country. This is the reality of what adoption is, not what you want it to be. It’s a multibillion dollar industry that wants mothers to relinquish their children to adoption and expectant mothers are told how adoption is the solution to all their problems. That’s the spin job. The marketing hook that gets mothers in the end is the promise of an open adoption which will allow them to have contact and updates on the welfare of their children in the adoptive home. Perfect, right?
So then why do people hate birthmothers so much if choosing adoption is so good??
People Hate Bad Mothers
Is there anything that curdles the blood and shocks the senses as much as a parent who harms their child? As a society, we are universally disgusted by stories of parents abusing the children they are supposed to love. To the abusers of children, we feel hatred and wrath and cry for cold justice and this is a normal reaction. As a group, as a people, we come together to protect our young.
So if adoption is so great for all involved, the beautiful win-win, why do people hate birthmothers?
I dare to say that it is because deep inside, the general public -who has not been paying attention to the marketing done by the adoption industry, who have not built the foundation of their entire adult lives on believing in this social construct – know deep down that a mother voluntarily walking away from her child is just plain wrong. Good mothers do not give up their children no matter what. Good mothers will kill to protect their children. Good mothers would never even think about relinquishment. Good mothers would not be fooled with promises of pictures and letters. Good mothers do not let other people take their children away from them. Good mothers do not abandon their babies to adoption.
So there must be something wrong with any women who finds herself “choosing” adoption.
“If you are willing to give your child up then you are clearly not even close to ready to be a mom.”
The Fear Mongering of Birthmothers
While it’s not a specific tactic to hate birthmothers to reach a desired end, it does seem to be a natural reaction to harp on all the various evils a birthmother must display. In this regard the general public continuously reinforce the negative feelings of birthmother sins; irresponsible for getting pregnant in the first place, stupid for not using birth control, a loser for not being able to provide for her child, an idiot for choosing adoption and thinking that it was a good idea, demanding for awaiting pictures, immature for expecting that she could have an open adoption as promised, clueless to think she has some rights and let’s all be offended by her thinking that somehow she might actual be some form of a mother. What’s the worst thing a birthmother can do after relinquishing her child for adoption? Dare to ever talk about adoption again. They don’t want to hear it. Shut up and go away. They just want to roast us alive.
What General Society Expects of the Birthmother
Apparently the age old concept of closed, secretive adoption is still alive and well in the public’s eye.
A mother is suppose to give her children away to more deserving parents, dry her tears, buck up and move on. She is suppose to leave the adoptive parents alone and “get over” herself.
” If she felt giving the baby up for adoption was the best option FOR THE BABY, she really has to move on and let the child get to know the one mother and one father that she will bond with.”
“They have their lives to move on with…welcoming someone you decided to leave behind in the hope that he or she would have a better chance at happiness…and so you could move on in your own way.”
“Too bad! You choose to have sex, give birth, and have your child adopted. You have no further rights. Get over yourself!”
Over and over people talk of having no sympathy for a woman who relinquishes her child to adoption than dares to say that she regrets her decision. Expecting the promised open adoption to be her chosen reality, is nothing short of insanity according the uneducated public. There is not mention of the loss and grief that a birthmother might feel. Adoption is seem as a “the easy way out”, “irresponsible” with open adoption being the provable path way to “having one’s cake and eating it too”
“Seems as though she wants all the joys of parenting with none of the responsibilities. Sorry. Life doesn’t work that way.”
“She was not looking for and adoptive family, she was looking for a baby sitter.
“You’re not signing a co-parenting contract nor is the family adopting you
“Well, did she expect that another family would raise her baby for her and let her walk in and out as the mother?
“The people adopting children are adopting them to have them as their children not to be your NANNY.”
Where Is All This Birthmother Cake They Speak of?
Ah, the mysterious “Birthmother Cake” that birthmothers all expect to feast upon. Somehow, people actually believe that being separated from one’s child is easy and maybe even selfishly pleasurable? Pardon my pun, but do they think that relinquishment is actually a cakewalk?
Relinquishment under any circumstance is a great loss. It is the separation of a mother and child. It is the breakup of a family. It comes with great grief and loss on the part of the original family and often the same loss is felt by the adoptee. Mother’s do not move on or “get over it” The long terms risks of relinquishment are never spoken about when in adoption counseling even though the studies have been published for decades..
Open adoption is not co-parenting, expecting a nanny, baby sitting or the joys of parenting with none of the responsibility. There are still responsibilities in an open adoption and great pain, but limited, if any, joys. A birthmother in an open adoption walks a fine line where she must act accordingly; dance between expectations and gratefulness; trust that she will be allowed updates about her flesh and blood. She cannot be demanding, she cannot be too pushy, she has to know her place and be happy with what she is given. An “open adoption” could be a simple as a birthmother receiving a few pictures every year of six months through the adoption agency. Maybe pictures are more often and maybe, if it’s really open” both parties actually have full names and contact information and can contact each other directly. Maybe, there are visits every few years or even annually.
Maybe, just maybe, if she is really lucky, she will get to see her child on a holiday or birthday and actually eat some cake.
But if you do, a piece of advice, don’t tell anyone about it. They won’t get it at all. And no matter what you do, what happens, what other people’s roles were, it’s all the birthmother’s fault according the judgment and jury of the public:
“She decided to give her baby up for adoption because she was too neglectful to either keep her legs closed, or go on birth control if she was going to have sex. She was immature then and from the looks of it, hasn’t grown up at all. I’m glad they closed the adoption.“
So much for the reality of the “Adoption, the loving option”.
I don’t know why anyone even argues this subject.
In their hearts, adopters hate and judge and condemn their adopted child’s mother. Most of them won’t admit it out loud, but they do. How could they not?!? She gave away her baby! She conceived him, carried him for nine months, gave birth to him, and then just gave him away. To people who are very nearly strangers.
Do you know what adopters would give to be able to conceive, carry, and birth? They’d cheerfully sell their souls to satan for that capability–the capability they totally think you take for granted. There’s no way they will EVER wrap their brain around what you’ve done. And they TOTALLY fucking judge you for it.
My adopter never dared say anything derogatory about my first mom out loud. But I know what she thought. I knew her too well. She couldn’t really hide it. They all think they can, but if you know which buttons to push, and you push them hard enough? You’ll see that demon rise up.
Now that I’m an adult? It takes me about two seconds flat to get a bullshitting adoptive mom to drop her fawning facade. They’re easier than Sunday morning, every last one of them.
Oooooo how I wish my son’s adoptive mother could meet with you. 🙂
We can’t win.
Those who think you are doing a selfless thing and those who think we are selfish. While pregnant we are praised for what we are doing, after, we are unfit and should be kept from our children.
Renee, your comment really resonates with me, coming from an adoptee.
I know this is how my son’s adopter feels about me, even though she was as phony as all get out when she was courting me for my infant. Never mind that we are scared, young and unsure of our decisions and the prospective adopters KNOW this. They pretend to care so much, to have such compassion and empathy. B.S. I sat and cried on one occasion when I was pregnant with my son and she was with me, accompanying me to a doctors appointment. She just glared at me. There were no words of comfort or understanding. I should have known then how she really felt about me or what I may be going through. All she cared about was her barren womb and me making her a mother so she would not feel like a failure.
Once we do make that wrong decision that alters the rest of our lives, we are demonized, degraded and dehumanized for all of eternity by them. It is a jealous hatred for the fact that we are the one’s who brought our children to the world and not them. They will never get past that. Ever. Eff that witch, and the rest of ’em who spew this despicable hatred for the women who lost while they gained. I am so sickened and angered at times I wish I could, just one time, punch her in the face with all of my might. She is not worth the assault charge, however, or I would have done just that a long time ago.
And while they are harping on the awful birthmother who dares to want all this cake, they forget that there is a person growing up with confusion over their identity. They forget that there are questions in a developing mind of, “why didn’t my mommy want me?” They want this person to forget that there is an identity that has to do with genetics that is being quashed, denied, all that. And what is expected of this person is to be grateful….at all times, be grateful. After all, you were chosen. Well, what about the questions in the dark recesses of the mind that ask, “well, if I can be chosen, doesn’t that also mean I can be un-chosen if I don’t do this dance well?”
you can all go to hell. tying up a mom so you can sell their baby while they are pleading to keep and the worst insults ever. anyone who buys a baby is a criminal!
WHO can all go to hell?
Ad an amom in a very open adoption I truly feel for this who have been promised one thing and experience another. ‘our’ child is just that, ‘ours’ neither I or his mom have any claim over him. We together, have been entrusted to make sure He grows up as healthy as possible. I am his mom in one way, she in another. We both have relationships the other doesn’t and both deserve to be of equal Importance. I have also been blessed with being able to have biological children, But I would never compare my kids. They are who they are meant to be
I always wonder, if your child’s mother is so great, why are you raising her child?
Yes, we are all so “great” when we are towing the line.
I cannot help but be cynical of this comment. It is easy for the one with all the power to say they have “no claim over him”. If she came back and said she wanted to take her child, would you let her? You don’t even have to answer that because we already know the answer…
All of this hatred of first mothers and hatred of adoptive parents is not doing the child any good. S/he will, once again, be caught in the middle. And all of this animosity will affect reunion. The adoptee will, once again, be caught in the middle. She will be forced to decide where her loyalties lie. And this is something s/he should never have to do. She had no say in being adopted and should never have to run interference between first parents and adoptive parents who can’t stand one another. My 2 cents.
Well, if adopters would not do this to women; con, manipulate and deceive them out of their children, perhaps there would not be the “animosity”.
Most natural mothers go into this with the full trust that the adopters will not badmouth, dishonor and dehumanize them to their children, but the total opposite happens. Not only are we made bogus promises, we are then denigrated by the very people we trusted. When we find our children, in many cases the damage has already been done via the adoptive family who have had all those years to plant the seeds of negativity towards their mothers into them.
They don’t want to have a positive relationship with most of us; for that would mean our children might actually have more to do with us than they do, if at all. If they keep up the “animosity” and guilt trips, our children will most likely always side with them. That is the way the WANT it. That is what keeps our children loyal to them, and them ONLY. Just another manipulative tool they keep under their belts to tilt it all in their favor. They must have that, at all costs. It validates their very existence.
I’m pretty sure my son was forced to decide, but I would never have given him that ultimatum (I was very vocal to him that I know they are his parents, they love him so much, and I was conscious of not trying to mother him because he already has a mother; I really tried). We were in the process of beginning a relationship, respectful to all parties involved, and then he stopped communication. No fights, no harsh words, no ultimatums . . . nothing. I don’t exist again. According to their social media profiles the family is even happier and closer than ever before. It would have been nice to have some warning that I was being dropped. I want him to be happy, he owes me nothing, and I understand that his happiness is contingent upon me not being in his life, but I would have liked to have been able to talk one last time before it ‘closed’ again.
I can remember being 4 years old, and asking my a mom about my other mother. She got angry and told me she was my mother, and I didn’t have another mother. I knew I was adopted, and I knew she was lying. That was the first time I felt hatred in my heart. I hated my a mom for saying that to me, and I was helpless to do anything about it. I just had to take it. 48 years later I found my mother, and a mom said, don’t forget, she gave you away. I asked a mom if she loved her mother, and she said yes. I said, “Then why do you think it’s any different for me?”. She had no snappy comeback for that one.
In open adoption, what happens if the mother wants her child back? Say she marries, and her husband is a loving man. Is it OK at that point to return the child to her mother? That’s what a truly open adoption is to me. If you had an adopted child who wanted to live with her real mother, would that be allowed? Why or why not? This one is for the wonderful adoptive parents on her who are in fully open adoptions.
This is a great question that I hope an adoptive parent will address. Or a potenial blog post by Claud or her readers!
When I told my mother that I was seeking to take my oldest son back since I had just gotten married, she proceeded to tell my husband behind my back that I sexually molested my son, and within months they had moved away without forwarding their info and adopted him without my consent. I found out they moved after calling and finding the phone number disconnected. It took several years to find my mother. It’s heartbreaking to not only lose one’s oldest child this way, but it was based on ‘helping’ me when I was pregnant with my second, whom I lost to a very much forced surrender, and thus I lost my parents, extended family, and two sons. It’s been over twenty-two years and I am still considered disowned.
If one’s own family goes to this extent to acquire possession of a child, then I can’t see a biological stranger adoptive family giving the child back.
i feel sick and disgusted at those comments. people are horrible. i wrote a blog entry about this too.
off to scrub my eyeballs with a toothbrush.
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I feel like I entered an inverted world to mine. I’m so sorry for all your pain. I was adopted 53 years ago and was told by my adoptive parents, whenever I asked, “Your birth mother loved you very much, but she couldn’t take care of you the way she wanted to and she wanted you to have a Daddy and a Mommy. She was very sad to give you up but we are so thankful to have you as our daughter.” NEVER was there a derogatory word said about her- I grew up loving the woman who loved me enough to give me the “family” she couldn’t. I met my birth mother when I was 23. I asked my dad before I met her if it would bother him- He said, “Cindy, meet her- you’re old enough to understand- there is always enough room in your heart to love.” (my mom had died 2 years earlier from cancer & I would not have tried to meet my birth mother because I wouldn’t have caused her pain for anything. I loved my birth mother and had twenty three years of wonderful relationship with her (and my sisters) before she passed away 2 years ago from cancer. BUT I AM SO GLAD I didn’t meet her until I was an adult!!! I can’t imagine growing up with the confusion of birth mom, adoptive mom, “real mom”- Isn’t the bottom line, what is best for the child? BTW- my birth mother became a social worker who encouraged young girls to consider adoption as a loving sacrifice on their part so their child could be raised in a family unit…..She did this is spite of how difficult it was to give me up. My birth mother is my Hero!
The point here is that many woman would not have lost their children to adoption had they not been made bogus promises of open adoption, which is so prevalent today. Many women who lose their children to adoption would have been good mothers, had they given themselves the chance. For many women, promises of continued information about their children is a determining factor in them deciding to go through with an adoption. If that is deliberately and with malice stopped, that is blatant fraud and is devastating. Have you read the comments on that page directed to that woman? The viciousness? It is despicable.
You ask what is “best for the child”. Most adopters (not all, so this is not directed at you) only care about what is best for THEM. What stranger is qualified to determine what is best for someone else’s child(ren)?
Your “birth” mother became a social worker to encourage young women to consider adoption? I cannot say the same when you say she is your hero. Encouraging young women into a life sentence of pain and anguish is not heroic. It is anything but. As a mother of adoption loss, I am qualified to attest to that fact.
From some of the comments over there and the adoptee above it has become clear to me that many people do not understand that for most women an open adoption agreement is a huge factor when deciding whether to parent or not. I could be wrong but it seems like people think a woman chooses adoption first AND THEN decides they would like it to be open. Maybe if people really understood the differences, they would see how wrong it all is.
Anyone who assures a young expectant mother that by giving up her child s/he will be raised in a family unit is selling a FAIRY TALE. No one can guarantee that. Adoptive parents get divorced just as often as anyone else. They also die, become disabled and *gasp* can be abusive to their adopted children. It is totally a crapshoot what kind of family an adoptee gets and whether that family remains a unit or breaks apart.
I would not consider my first mother a hero because she encouraged other people to give their children to strangers. Furthermore, since she was not adopted, she would not fully understand how it feels to be adopted.
I don’t think open adoption is any better than closed adoption. They are both evil. Are there really studies that show open adoption is better for all involved?
I was adopted in the closed system, but I can imagine being told that the lovely young woman who visits from time to time is my birth mother, but she can’t take care of me, so A mom has to. I would wonder why I couldn’t live with my real mother, and I would be very hurt. Imagine birthmom gets married and has a baby. I think it would be torturous to know that birth mommy was able to keep this other baby, but couldn’t keep me. It seems like a world of pain for that adopted child, no matter how everyone tries to explain.
Open adoption is still baby selling. If a woman is considering adoption, she has to know that it is forever, and there are no guarantees that she will be in her baby’s life, and no guarantees that her baby will understand her decisions.
If she believes anything else, she is naive. Women owe it to themselves and their children to be informed about what they are doing. The internet is out there, in this day and age maybe ignorance is no excuse.
It is not confusing, at all, to have more than one mom or dad. I was not officially adopted by my aunt and uncle but I was raised by them since I was almost 4. My bio mom was around all the time. They were both mom to me.
The only people who were confused were other people who insisted that I could only have one mom.
Person: “Who is that?”
Me: “Mom…”
Person: “But that isn’t your mom.”
Me: “I have two moms”
Person: “You can’t have two moms!”
Me: “I can, and I do.”
Person: “Which one is your REAL mom?”
Me: “I live with one and the other pushed me out but sometimes I stay with her too.”
Person: “Oh so…”
…and here is where the person takes their personal preference and declares who the REAL mom is. Meanwhile I just think they are an idiot and go on my merry way.
Lovely sentiments. : )
Lovely sentiments to Cindy! (How did I end up down here?)
Adoptee here. Late Discovery (age 31) as well.
What I see over and over are (some) APs who are mainlining KoolAid with this “as if born to” deal that they react violently at the very thought that anyone might NOT consider them the “Real Parents”. What do the following have in common?
1. “Our birthmother” has blessed us with a child of our own. This is not a woman, this is a “baby fairy”, a “walking uterus”.
2. The thought of this “baby fairy” taking back her “gift” is a crime of major proportions. How DARE she!?!? How can *I* keep up the pretense of “I’m the mother” if I even knowledge her existence, much less allow her into MY child’s life? She must be dropped to the level of “undeserving” at all costs.
3. How could *MY* child even want to find this “other mother”. Perish the thought! What am I, just a baby sitter all these years?
4. Opponents (Catholic Church, ACLU, adoption attorneys) tell adoptees that the “birthmother” deserves her privacy. How dare we interfere with her “selfless choice”? Well, if she’s such a saint, why is she hiding?
I have gotten into comment wars with someone who actually said both things: That “birthmothers” had a right to privacy AND that any “birthmother” who dared to want contact with her child should respect the closed adoption that she “chose”.
Huh? Is my mother cowering in fear lest I find her or is she yearning for me but undeserving of contacting me? When you point this contradiction out, you are told – “What about your REAL parents? Do they mean nothing to you?” That’s when you learn what the REAL agenda is.
You are all full of shit saying how everyone hates birthmothers, they are giving a couple a chance to be parents that physically couldn’t. I have been a part of my son`s life with open adoption. His adoptive parents and i have a great relationship, and they are a part of my family as i am theirs. So stop feeding people a bunch of lies, your just to coward to not be bias and judgemental!
Sorry sweet cheeks, all these quotes are real ones. I didn’t make one of them up. They were taken form real posts where the public really commented and said those things about birthmothers.
It’s all very nice that YOU happen to have a good working open adoption with your child’s parents, but count yourself lucky. Just because YOUR reality is different doesn’t make the bad stuff go away. And yelling at me certainly won’t make me go away either. Now go do some reading and find out some facts about your own life before you continue to make a fool out of yourself.
I want to thank you, Claud. You are our (birthparents) Malcolm X of the adoption community.
You know, Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, Jr. had several debates. Both were highly educated, highly respected and both were fighting for the all the same issues. And together they made Americans aware of the injustices that were being imposed on Black Americans at that time. They had both fans and foes. And both died as a result of their cause.
All these things you speak of are very real and true. Yes, there are some good open adoption relationships but they are not the “norm”. I appreciate how most commenters’ were respectful. We can debate and disagree without being hateful or even worse, judgmental.
We need people like Claud to open our eyes. There are too many people who have a narrow vision and it’s time to expose the truths about adoption. We can debate all we want among our partial community filled with birth/adoptive parents and adoptees , who sometimes can only see from their perspective, their vision and their desires. The goal or the bigger picture is to educate mainstream America. Then the social scale can be tipped and the impact can be seen and measured.
Thank you for fighting the fight!
Modern morality and manners suppress all natural instincts, keep people ignorant of the facts of nature and make them fighting drunk on bogey tales. -Aleister Crowley