Craig Hyman’s and Patrick McMahon’s Path to Finding and Healing Adoption Wounds

I haven’t been to NYC for a while now, but I took the opportunity to head down to the City on March 30 for the Inside Out Adoption Healing Seminar in NYC. I will confess: I didn’t think I had any real reason to go for “healing”, but rather, was interested in having a chance to meet both Patrick and Craig in person and thought that if I went; I could help with some promotion and review of their project. After all, I do adoption work all the time, right? So I shouldn’t have any more issues or wounds, right?

Wrong.

A Gentle X-ray of One’s Soul

I was sitting on the bus, waiting to get home and I was amazed at the what ended up bubbling forth. Not that I am a skeptic on the need for healing, or finding issues, but I had really managed to convince myself that I had control of that volcano of emotion. It is a testament to both Craig and Patrick that the program they are perfecting is a very helpful tool for identifying areas that are still needing some attention. I’m coming home with a new shopping list of things that require further exploration.

I am not feeling, however, that raw gaping hole of a newly fresh wound, nor even do I feel like my well honed scabs have been torn off. Rather, it was more like a gentle, though surprising, self excavation of what lies UNDER that scab. Through seemingly simplistic exercises, what is illuminated is more like an X-ray,  where one can easily see what bones are broken. I feel humbled in a way, by the truth of my reactions.

I am humbled, again, by the thought that we can control this adoption experience.  I usually tell people, and I did actually believe it, that I had all these adoption emotions under control.

“I can call them forth when I need to. ” I have said. I know where they are, I know how they are packed and I can cry on cue and then put it all back where it belongs.

Imagine how floored I was when I found myself, without my usual permission, feeling a big fat dose of grief rise up. That does not happen to ME! As Patrick teased me at the end; I prefer to be the “triggeree” rather than the person triggered!

But it did.

What to Expect from the Adoption Healing Seminar?

First off, it is a small intimate group. I am not going to speak about who individually, as it was a safe environment.. you know. What happens in group, stays in group.  I haven’t been to Las Vegas, but I get the rules. I will only tell MY story!

Second, the “activities” which I will describe to an extent, don’t sound like much on their own. In fact, let’s face it, they will probably sound a bit flakey depending on your personal thoughts about th subconscious, body work, and spiritual healing. But don’t underestimate it. I put aside my inner cynic and participate fully as directed..and as I said already, I was very surprised by what came forth. It’s quite amazing what happens when you allow the unconscious stuff to come forth.

There was a combination of breathing, light meditation, some stretches and body movements. Nothing intense, no sweating and all broken up into little bit sized portions that perfectly accompanied the previous or next activity. But the main bulk of the time was dedicated to magazine clippings and some writing.

The Power of Magazine Clippings

Yes, I said magazine clippings. Don’t scoff. I was floored by how a simple kindergarten like activity could rip the lid off of our careful controlled emotional volcanoes.

I ripped into my magazines clippings with abandon. Without thought, I glanced at my piles and allowed certain words and images to resonate with me. If  I liked something, I ripped it. It was serendipitous to find these random images and phrases that just said so much about my adoption experience. Glue sticks in hand, they found themselves to their places on my page and I ended up with this masterpiece:

Then, meditation on the piece, focus on one area that is demanding attention, followed by free writing and BOOM…

I don’t know how well you can see it, but the very fist image I found ( and the only one that is carefully cut out rather than ripped) is two goats.. a black goat and a white goat.. THIS proved to be the spark for me.

Days later, I still am thinking about the words that came out. Oh, there it was..my old friend shame. The feeling of pressure to conform to be good to be a white sheep, and denying my individuality, my rebellion, my true self who was rebellious and breaks rules. Why did I sell myself out at such an important time? Why did I let redemption and conformity take my motherhood? Granted I know the answers now, how I was indeed a lamb lead to slaughter add to feed the adoption machine,  but it is true..I still struggle to understand that WTF moment. Why did I think it would be ok to give my baby away? Truth be told, I don’t think I have truly forgiven myself. I don’t know if I ever can. Fresh tears come to my eyes as I admit that to myself and you right now.

Messages from Greeting Cards

Back to group, the other big exercise also involved magazine clippings, but this time we created a greeting card. We were to write a note to someone involved in your adoption experience. I struggled here. On one hand, I was tempted to write a note to my mother, but I was hesitant to get her mad again and have her angry spirit start breaking stuff again. Plus it felt too easy and obvious. So, I instead wrote my note to Max’s father and then I process realized it was also a card to Max.

The gist of the card was my worry that they have no contact and heighten show any sign of any future need for this compounded by the fact that his father is getting old and time for contact is running out.

Once finished the cards served to be tools for the group to do role playing. Again, it sounds almost silly, but first I read my card to “Max/ Him” without interruption and I was “heard”. Then I read it again and “we” had a dialogue. More clarity revealed that I was more talking to Max and I struggle with my worry that he will regret losing the chance to met his biological father in this lifetime, yet to balance this worry against his needs to do so in his own time. There were truly magical moments when it did feel as if I was speaking to my own son…and feeling like we were tapping into something else that was previously unknown.

I can say now that I see that I still am under weight of guilt and even my knowledge of what is the “right” way to handle reunion issues does not solve the reality of issues. Knowledge cannot be confused with control of a situation and still, we must let go.

More spiritual and physical release techniques. More discussions. And before we knew it, the day was almost complete and we wrapped things up. Going through this process does bind you to the people you have traveled with and I really connected with another participant there.  The added bonus is the joy of finding a new friend in life.

I know that I will still be processing these new thoughts for some time and I applaud Craig and Patrick for putting together this successful experience. It was well worth the effort to take the opportunity to explore what lies beneath. Granted, it’s a bit frightening to start digging, but with the right tools and companions along the way, the Inside Out Adoption Healing Seminars prove to be valuable tools for that needed exploration.  In addition, with my own attempt to help with the upcoming Hudson Valley Adoption Support group forming, I hope to bring some of what I learned to others for continued adoption healing.

Get Your Healing On with Inside Out Adoption

Craig and Patrick will be returning to California after the American Adoption Congress Conference this month.  If you are attending the AAC, find them there where they are both presenting and healing! The next healing seminar will be in San Diego on May 18. I highly recommend anyone adoption affected in the LA/ San Diego area to check it out.

For further information please e-mail us: seminar@insideoutadoption.com or sign up for their mailing list on the Inside Out Adoption website.