Then you don’t make anonymous comments like this..

Why hide things? My two older children know about my son and that he was adopted by friends of mine. They know the whys, the hows, and everything else there is to know. My birthson now knows that he is adopted and most of why things turned out the way they did. When someone asks me about my kids I tell them. I have 3! If they want to know it all then I tell them.

Gosh, could swaer I have been over this before…ah yea, that reading thing..right. Anyway, I don’t hide things. All my four children do know about it each other now, but it was not always that way for various reasons and being just the way life worked out. And truthfully, I am not always in the position to tell everybody everything all the time. The number of children I have comesup at work constantly…sometimes, I have the time to deal with the whole thing..but it WILL be the whole thing..not some glorified “happy birthmother” story. I am not a specimin under glass who will drop a few snippets of my information and allow folks to use that to fit their preconceived conceptions. Nope…if I choose to talk to someone about adoption, then they will KNOW when we are done..and if I can;t do the job right..then they don’t get it at all.

I have lived with doubt and shame and got rather tired of it. Now I just speak the truth about it all.

The doubt and shame is part and parcel of the truth. You don’t have to live with it as a driving force, but to ignore that it is or was there at any point…is to allow folks to idealize that we are just woman who can merrily walk away from their children with nary a backwards glance. I am not like that. I do not have doubt and shame have control over me, but I am will see them from time to time. Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean I can will it away.

I made the arrangements for my son to be adopted because I wasn’t in a place where I could handle another child. He wasn’t given away because I didn’t want him, he was placed with my friends because they wanted a child to love and take care of and I wasn’t able to take care of all 3 kids at that time. I don’t love any of them more than the other and they know that. Yes, they are kids and have feelings that are going to arise and that we have to deal with. Ultimately, it was MY decision to place my son for adoption. Yes, there was those who said it was for the best, but I am a person who knows how to make her own decisions.

Ummmm…I am not even going to go here on commentary. Ok..that’s your story.

We need to stop placing blame and putting ourselves down for being birthmoms and stand up for ourselves. I am not going to throw a pity party because I made a decision that sometimes I regret. Hell, I sometimes regret getting up in the morning but I still do it.

Well, I guess you really haven’t read much at all if you get the “pity party” impression. I shall see the cause and effects of decisions as I call them, It is my right to do in my life, about my life. I sure as HELL will NOT be happy I am a mother or loss..no way shape or form. I think I stand up for enough folks..don’t need a speech..thanks.

And as for knowing medical backgrounds, I know who my mom and dad are and still can’t give a detailed background because I wasn’t told everything before my dad died. There are no longer any ‘if onlys’ in my life. I’ve dealt with the anger, pain, and all that other crap.

Forgive me, because this kind of thiking annoys me..and it’s not all you, but I had to deal with another mom recently who sprouted so much “I have healed and you are stuck” crap that my feelings are quite on the surface. I find that I have trouble with this kind of competition between moms of loss as we have to somehow “prove” where we are in the process..and that one way of dealing is better?? I can pick apart with a fine tooth comb and cause all sorts of defensiveness to your statements especially the ones three back, where you talk of the “whys” you allowed your child to be raised by friends…but you know..that’s not my gig. Whatever you believe..is your truth right now..and I am not going to tell you otherwise..but to come here, to my house, my Blog, and critize me for a post that deals with many things that we are not warned about when given the happy talk, and issues that continue to resurrect themselves in many mother’s lives even after they have made vast steps in any attempt in healing…meh, just rude really. Ok so you don’t “If only”..that does not make you more evolved..and dealing with the anger and pain is not a one time event, If you really think you rolled the dice on that one? Ok..but be prepared…we don’t get to leave the table. Oh you can put away for a while in a box with a real big lock, but it’s still all there, waiting for you. Don’t go acting all high and mighty like you have some supreme power to overcome..and the rest of us are fools for still shifting though the sand looking for shards…it’s those small shards that can work their way in and cause a mighty infection.

And you know…then you say something like this:

I wish other people would see birthmom’s as very special people who did something so courageous that it is the greatest love you can give your child. Fight through the hard times when your children ask questions. Stand up, and tell the truth always. There are going to be those who put you down, but with strength will come backbone and the courage to be proud of who you are . I AM A BIRTHMOM TO 3 WONDERFUL KIDS AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.

No no no nononoono.. stop drinking the special water that they give you at the agency, dear. I know it is addicting, but it makes you say silly things.

Listen, you want to believe this stuff because it gets you though the night? You want to think we are all courageous? Dispel this line of thinking and THEN feel your emotions and THEN you can talk to me about healing. Courage would have been bucking everyone who encouraged me to go the easy way out and let my son be adopted. Courage would have been saying “NO”. Foolishness is what got me to wear this title. Niaviti, fear, doubt, self worth, etc…stubbornness, denial, youth, trust. Greatest love?? No the greatest love for my children is in my arms, in my life. The greatest gift I could have given them is ME..their MOTHER. Courage is buckling down under pressure and doing what I needed, and you needed to do to BE the mother our kids deserved us to be. I failed that. I gave my motherhood away to someone else because I was afraid I couldn’t do and I didn’t even try.

Proud?? Proud of the stupidest thing I ever did?? Ummm no way in hell. What is there to be PROUD of?? Oh, I didn’t have an abortion?? I gave life…woopeeededdo! I didn’t accept the “grand gift of motherhood” either. I am proud to be the MOTHER of FOUR wonderful kids. I am not proud of the fact that I did not raise my oldest. I speak of it, I do not hide from it, but I sure ain’t getting back on that pedestal!

Try reading some more…how old is your youngest? Me thinks you gots aways to go. But if you want to stay in the “happy place” forever…go check out Birthmom Buds. I hear they got something “special” in the punch.
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editted to add..

I just want to state also….none of this is said with the intention to make you feel badly about yourself, even though I know it will..and for that..I AM sorry. But I will call out the one of very big threats that I see with adoption. And honestly, yeah, I do see a threat in you spouting off all the “yeah MY choice, I can live with it” stuff when clearly you are still in a place where it is very easy to escape from the effects of adoption. If nothing else, you have not had the time to esperience long term ramifiactions because they have not happenened yet. Time must pass.

I don’t doubt you desire or belief of being a good person, but I will cast doubt on your being able to be considered as a qualifier of the adoption experience. As you are at the time, yes…but clearly there is sense that YOU know all about it, and there is a lack of acknowledgement that someones truth might have been spoken here. You dismiss very real things as crap.

That might not be real to you because you have not felt them yet. The key word is yet. It is my beleif that if any woman who has surrendered a child, in a typical domestic “voluntary” adoption, trully examine her feelings…then there is little doubt in my mind that she will relate to what has been spoken here.

If nothing else you should read about more of what I do before you assocaite a “pity party” and “not standing up” with me. It’s sure to get my gander up.