Limiting Birthmothers in Black and White
Spend enough time reading comments about adoption in the public realm and it is plain to see that there are only two socially accepted views of what a birthmother is or isn’t. Sadly, it all comes back to the Madonna or Whore.
Literally.
Birthmother as the Madonna- a Saintly Family Builder
On one hand, usually coming from an adoptive parent, another birthmother, or an adoptee, she is called strong and selfless. Her choice to relinquish is deemed a courageous act motivated by pure love for her child. There are nods of thanks for her “gifts” whether it be “choosing life” or the more insidious “gift” of the child which can be morphed into the more politically correct version of “the gift creating a family”. She is heralded for being mature enough to make the wise and difficult decision of relinquishment. Sometimes there is even sympathy and empathy shown for her loss, but usually the noise is how wonderful she is, how thankful they are, and how honored and loved she is. It’s all just a regurgitation of the carefully honed adoption marketing massage. Really, read the materials and stop parroting, please.
Sometimes she is unknown and mythical; the “Dear Birthmother” at the end of a letter posted on some slick adoption agency website vying for her pregnant attention. Other times, she is the unknown fantasy; the original mother now lost, leaving her child to wax philosophic thanks for her courageous choice to grant them a life well lived with opportunity and loving parents. Other times she is know; the respected first mother of a loved child in an open adoption, granted pictures, updates and even visits. I often wonder what these mothers would honestly say if they were not tempered by the binds of the birthmother rules and the threat of lost contact did not quiet their voices. (That’s a lie, I know what many of them say and that they fear being authentic and losing contact with their children). Other times she is really known, open and honest, and still well meaning folks state that she did the best she could at the time and the relinquishment, by default, was good. Even when she says these things herself, we have to ask if it is the adoption Kool-Aid speaking or fog or, even worse, birthmother justification.
The Birthmother as the Whore: Irresponsible, Abusive Abandoner
On the other side, the birthmother is a horrific figure. The natural tendency to vilify the unnatural act of choosing to be separated from one’s child overrides all compassion. She is damned for her original sexual impulses that created the conception while no blame is often cast on her assuming lay very willing partner. She is berated for her stupidity of allowing the pregnancy to occur in the first place whether or not the sex was consensual, birth control, used and failed. The morality of abortion is often ignored and the thankfulness of “choosing life” forgotten in the damnation of her surrender. Her possible love of her child is conflicted with her ability to leave the same baby. She is a bad for even considering adoption as so many others envision that they “could never do THAT”. The concepts of coercion, desperate measures, rocks and hard places discredited.
Often, the worst birthmother contempt stems from a parent, often a father it seems, of children adopted from foster care. While these views come from the personal journey of these families and the anger is due to real failures of one mother to protect these particular children, painting all birthmothers as abusive is so very wrong. For others, it is a general ignorance of the adoption industry and practices approved in Adoptionland such as the promises of open adoption. God forbid she has the audacity to think she has a right to access the child she gave birth to because those were the conditions for which she relinquished. There is no birthmother cake served here! She is expected to back under the rock of which she came, keep happy with whatever scrapes provided, and continue to be a baby vending machine. Apparently, once a woman relinquishes once, she should never dare to parent another, but to repeat the process and provide more babies to feed the needs of deserving parents. Sometimes, it is the adoptee who casts blame, even if blanketed with thankfulness, and her existence is deemed less than desirable..the lost life together assumed to be worst the life legally contrived.
Smart selfless family building angel who should be honored and thanked or irresponsible slut who would have abused her baby, now abandoned to those willing to step up and make the sacrifices she was too stupid to do herself?
Neither is often real and both versions hurt us all.
The Reality of a Birthmother: Just Human
A birthmother is no different than any other human being on this planet. She is not missing some essential gene that allows her to leave her baby and not experience the same feelings as any other mother. She is not a willing participant in the adoption industry, but is simply a person who finds herself in a situation from which there are no obvious positive outcome. Little girls do not desire to grow up and join the ranks of this sorrowful sisterhood. The relinquishment and adoption of her baby is often just thought of the lesser of all evils and taught to be best for the child in question. Of course, the information given to most mothers considering adoption by the majority of adoption professionals is geared to that view and does not reflect a true informed choice made due to risks and consequences of adoption for both mother and child hidden.
Where is the Compassion and Understanding?
She is not a saint. She is not a whore. She is a woman faced with one of the most awful concepts a mother can imagine: the willing separation of one’s child for life.
Saints or sluts are not real. They are labels use to dehumanize the relinquishment experience. Both are used to separate the birthmother form the rest of the population and create impossible social contracts from which any person, birthmother of not, cannot continue to love within. The saint cannot admit to the pain and the slut does not deserve to feel the love. Polar opposites and not realistic for anyone. Not helpful for anyone. Not healthy for anyone.
A Birthmother feels nothing less than the next mother on the street even if her own life is damaged in some way, even if she is lacking, deemed a loser, or made poor choices. The mother of a kidnapped teen, a missing adult child, siblings lost in a custody battle, the victim of a shooting, an illness such as cancer; we acknowledge and sympathies in that mother s pain, but the birthmother is damned or sainted while her same feelings are dismissed.
We have got to stop this. Stop glorifying the birthmother. Stop vilifying the birthmother. Accept that each and every one of us is simply a real human being who found themselves caught in the crossfire of life and took the bullet.
Whether we jumped in the line of fire, walked in dangerous places, took risks, or protected or failed another, the shot fired was mortal and went straight to the heart. We all bleed the same color red and the mother we were meant to be has died. The wound simple hurts. That is a the stereotype and label that you can apply to any birthmother. We hurt.
Your children hurt too.
Yes, they do. That’s the worst part.
Thank you for your input Captain Obvious.
When I found my family my father told me he never thought about how I would feel being adopted. My mother thought I never knew I was adopted, so she would never look for me and reveal the truth.
Both parents told me it would not have mattered to them if they were adopted. My mother told me this right after we walked past her grandparents house, where she pointed out the room where my great grandmother died.
They never considered that being given up would hurt me in any way.
Our reunion is broken. The reality of my pain was too much for them. They imagined a different world for me than the one I lived in.
T his is why I say “your children suffer too”, because it seems that some parents just have no idea.
My mother tells me I am full of hate and anger towards my “entire DNA family”. I don’t feel that way, but she cannot hear me. I asked her not to call my family my “DNA” family, because they are the only family that I have. She is happier now because I promised not to contact her anymore.
Took the bullet ~ indeed. Straight to the heart where it remains to this day, almost 34 years later, even 4 years into reunion.
You are so right when you say “the mother we were meant to be has died”. I wasn’t the mother I was meant to be even when raising the three I was so lucky to have after losing Christopher to adoption. I was raising them wounded, with a closed heart due to the loss of my firstborn. I can only imagine the many ways I would/could have been a better mother to them if I wasn’t grieving the loss of my son.
Great post Claud.
I was the “truly wonderful person they would never forget”, then became the vilified, loathed “birth mother” nobody wanted around and was not even allotted the promised updates until he was 18. I got that memo loud and clear when I found my son and was treated like an unwelcome, uninvited intruder. So much for that “open adoption”. We go from being so wonderful, to people they don’t want (their?) children around. I know I was far from perfect and made many mistakes after I lost my child to adoption, but as was pointed out, a little compassion and understanding goes a long way. How about them not being so damn judgmental and treat natural mothers like the living, breathing human beings they are, instead of shadow people not worthy of even a shred of humanity or decency.
How about he was my child and I had every right to know how his life was progressing if that was part of the agreement I believed and was conned out of my children by. If not for us, there would be no children for them to hoard all to themselves.
to this, i would like to add that your role is switched on you immediately following relinquishment. when you’re about to give up your baby, it feels like everyone will always be rallying around and celebrating you, and you feel so trusting and loving from birth hormones. the adoptive parents will always be sweet and nice, and completely there and open with you. and suddenly you’re invisible. you’re not important. no one asks if you are okay. you are left alone to miss your baby, wonder why you did that, entertain thoughts of suicide. the same people who supported your “loving choice” are shocked at your heartlessness, and they say that they wish you had decided to keep it, which no one ever said before. when people find out what’s in your past, they don’t know what to say. they either say you made the right choice or they don’t say anything, which means they’re passing judgment on you and they can’t believe you did that. no one ever offers empathy, because you are not a mother.
i feel like i’ve integrated the “irresponsible failure” side of the birth mother into my self-image. i don’t think too highly of myself anymore. what i did was so dark and terrible i can’t forgive myself. i take a lot of issue with anyone complimenting me on being brave and strong, because it is so far from the truth. people who say adoption is beautiful and birth mothers are selfless are only displaying their own ignorance, but i must have plenty of ignorance of my own to sort out, because i hate myself and think i am disgusting. i still blame myself so much for everything and i wish i could stop.
as always, claudia, thanks for making me think even if it is uncomfortable.
Oh Ariel…I wish I could give you the biggest (((HUG))) right now. Everything you write touches me so deeply, and it is because your words bring everything from 28 years ago right back to me front and center. I have felt/feel what you are feeling, and your pain is still so raw, it refreshes my memory so clearly that it’s like I’m back there all over again, the grief so heavy and heart-stopping. I would laugh and be insulted at anyone who would refer to me as “brave” or “strong.” Quite the contrary…I was weak and scared. And I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself either, even after all this time. I had a counselor once ask me if it would make me feel better if my (birth) daughter were to tell me that she forgives me, and doesn’t hold being given up against me. I told her that wouldn’t matter because the demon lives inside ME. *I* am the one who can’t forgive…myself, parents, anyone else who was instrumental in the loss of my child. And to be quite honest, I don’t think my daughter fully forgives me either. She still has issues that bubble up from time to time. But PLEASE remember that you ARE a worth-while person, and you do deserve to find peace, love, and a heart that’s not so heavy. Time is the only thing that will make this bearable. It WILL get better. I’m not going to tell you it goes away because I know you’re smarter than that. You will integrate it better, until it’s not your main focus everyday. We have to find a way to do that because our survival depends on it. One day at a time…hour at a time, minute, second… You WILL be OK 🙂
“But PLEASE remember that you ARE a worth-while person, and you do deserve to find peace, love, and a heart that’s not so heavy.”
We all are and none of us deserved this.
AMEN!! You hit the nail right on the head!!!! I feel you, and I hope you start feeling better about your self image sooner rather than later. I feel like you will eventually get there, but your pain is just too raw right now. The ebbs and flow of adoption….ahhh it lasts a lifetime!!
Is there really no way to get your son back? Who made such harsh laws separating mothers from their newborns. Adopters ask mothers to make the ultimate sacrifice, and give up their own children, but they would never consider doing the same if the mother realizes she made a mistake.
It would be wonderful if your son’s adopters realized that he belongs with you. It’s in his best interest too, to be raised by his own mother. Any human being with a heart would want what is beat for a helpless baby..
Infant adoption as we know it is inhuman:
in·hu·man
/inˈ(h)yo͞omən/
Adjective
Lacking human qualities of compassion and mercy; cruel and barbaric.
Not human in nature or character.
Synonyms
inhumane – cruel – brutal – barbarous – savage
This is a great piece how every situation is different when it comes to adoption from the expectant/birth parent perspective. I also think the same applies from the adoptive parent perspective. Not all adoptive parents are these awful people who shut out their child’s biological parents from their child’s life. On the other hand they are not all saints who will live up to the promises they made to expectant parents prior to adoption.
As an infertile man who along with my wife are considering adoption as a way to build a family, I am not going to claim to know the exact pain that expectant and birth parents go through when it comes to adoption. Just as expectant/birth parents will never know what it feels like to be infertile. I think both parties considering adoption (expectant and adoptive parents) should be required by law to take a course on what adoption is. By that I mean expectant parents should be taught the risks they are taking from both a positive and negative perspective. They should understand the good and bad that potentially could come from adoption. The goal would not be to convince them that they should place their baby for adoption but to educate them to make a decision that is best for themselves and their child not only when the child is an infant but when they are an adult as well. From the prospective parent perspective they would be taught what comes with adoption and balancing raising their child and taking into account the feelings of a child’s birth parents and having them in a child’s life that benefits all parties.
And speaking of all parties, Marylee I take extreme offense to your comments. I take them as feeling adoptive parents should act as babysitters not parents. They should just watch the child until their biological parents decide they are able/want to raise their child. In your own words any human being with a heart would understand you are playing with another parties emotions. That human being would be putting their own selfish needs above everyone else’s (including the child’s). Yes, it includes the child’s because how do you think the child would feel knowing that they were placed for adoption into a loving home and then taken back by their biological parents? Is that fair to the child to be moved around like that? Don’t you think that they are going to question whether their biological parents really cared for them if they already have them up once and could potentially do it again?
Now I am not saying that expectant parents don’t have the right to change their mind in placing their child for adoption after the child is born. Because they have every right to do so if they feel it is what’s best for the child and themselves. They are going through their own emotional crisis being asked to make a decision they have no way of knowing is the right decision at the time. But there has to be a certain point where an adoption is final and the most important part of the process begins (raising the child). I am 100% in favor of birth parents having a role in a child’s life that goes beyond just conception and birth. That role should be something that all parties are as comfortable with as possible. Adoptive parents shouldn’t feel insecure about that role, birth parents shouldn’t feel shut out of their child’s life and a child shouldn’t not know who their birth parents are. Above all else all parties should feel confident in their relationship.
But that’s just my opinion as an outsider whose perpective comes from reading/listening to the experiences of different sides with no first hand knowledge other than being someone that is considering it.
I am an adopted adult and I am speaking from my own point of view. Why that is offensive to you I don’t understand. I wish my parents had come back for me, at any age. A “loving home” was no substitute for my own true family. I assume you were raised with your family, so you cannot see things from my angle. Adoption was very bad for me, and it still is. It may be bad for the child you adopt also. You have no control over that. Some of us feel rejected, and I guess some don’t.
Marylee,
Your reaction makes perfect sense. Now I feel awful making the comments I did now knowing your perspective, my apologies. One of my good friends from high school was adopted (closed adoption) and also had a teen pregnancy where her adopted parents adopted the child. So while I don’t know what its like to walk in your shoes, I know people who have.
But understand that is your perspective. You don’t have a clue to know what it’s like to be I fertile knowing you will never have a biological child. Adopting wont cure that pain either it’s something I will live with for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever get rid of that pain. Counseling has helped but I realize that the wounds will never heal.
It’s stories like yours that scare me about adoption. Being able to raise a confident adult for me is just as important as providing a loving home. And you’re right that might be beyond my control. Your situation is something I would not want as an adoptive parent for the child. Because its not what you deserve.
@Greg:
“And speaking of all parties, Marylee I take extreme offense to your comments. I take them as feeling adoptive parents should act as babysitters not parents. They should just watch the child until their biological parents decide they are able/want to raise their child. In your own words any human being with a heart would understand you are playing with another parties emotions. That human being would be putting their own selfish needs above everyone else’s (including the child’s). Yes, it includes the child’s because how do you think the child would feel knowing that they were placed for adoption into a loving home and then taken back by their biological parents? Is that fair to the child to be moved around like that? Don’t you think that they are going to question whether their biological parents really cared for them if they already have them up once and could potentially do it again?”
Why do potential adopters/ adopters lurk around first mother blogs, then have the audacity to make the statement:
“don’t you think that they are going to question whether their biological parents really cared for them if they already have them up once and could potentially do it again?”
Please tell me Greg, are you attempting to coerce a young women into relinquishing her child to you by telling her she is “doing the right thing, how brave she is, how much better off her child will be without her?” On this forum, you say it is questioned if natural parents even care for their children by “giving them up in the first place. Which is it?
Perhaps a young woman realizes she made a horrible mistake. Perhaps what is best for someone ELSE’S child is none of your damn business.
I take extreme offense at your comments. If you want to “build a family” so bad, adopt a child who TRULY has no family from a orphanage or foster care. Infants who have mothers and extended families are not orphans and most should not be needlessly separated from them. Yes, we know, you want a womb wet infant so you can have the “as if born to fantasy” but the child you adopt will always be the child of another. If you can’t accept that don’t adopt. Save us all from yet another self entitled adopter in this world.
Amen!
Sam,
On the contrary, if my wife and I decided adoption was how we build a family the last thing I would want to do is coerce expectant parents into choosing me to be their child’s parents. What we would do is let the expectant parents know who we are and then they would make the decision. If they choose us, someone else or decided to raise the child themselves is their choice not anyone else’s.
Personally I don’t see how expectant parents who decide to place their child are any more or less “brave” than those who choose to raise their child, unless someone can convince me otherwise. That is not meant to diminish the emotional pain that comes with placing a child for adoption. What it’s meant to express is that either way it has to be an impossible decision to make with no right or wrong answer.
As for me so called “lurking” it’s because I want to gather as much information as possible on adoption from all perspectives both positive and negative. If you must know in my marriage I am less comfortable with adoption than my wife. The whole process of having my personal life invaded makes me feel uncomfortable. The whole idea of “competing” with others to parent a child makes me physically ill. I refuse to be something I’m not to have the privilege of becoming a parent. If it means never becoming a parent so be it.
What I was referring to with my statement was in a situation after years after a child was placed for adoption that the birth parents could change their minds. There is nothing wrong with prior to birth expectant parents choosing a set of adoptive parents and then changing their mind after their child was born. But I think there comes a point after an adoption where a change of parents benefits no one.
As for your comments about foster adoption, they are extremely offensive. Those foster children have families, saying they don’t is wrong. But their families for whatever reason could not raise them. But then again those children should just be left with those families by following your logic because the foster parents are not real parents. However, the difference is it is some government agency who has decided for my wife and I raise that child rather than their biological parents. That is part of the reason I don’t have an interest in international adoption. I actually like the idea of someone selecting me to raise their child and have those people always be a part of their lives.
But I guess in your mind I am just a piece of garbage a second class citizen whose feelings don’t matter. In your mind I serve no purpose in society and would be better off killing myself than adopting domestically. Opinions like yours are what turn me off to adoption because I fear the birth parents would resent my wife and I and it would create a situation no one would benefit from.
I personally don’t think you’re garbage, but I do think adoption is a situation that no one benefits from. How do you know that there is a point after an adoption where a change benefits no one?
Maybe, just maybe being reunited with a child’s real parents would be in the child’s best interest. Maybe having a chance to grow up with one’s own true parents and siblings would be just the thing to heal a child’s grieving heart, even though the adopters have become attached.
If adopters truly cared about the children they buy, they would be willing to explore that option. A reverse open adoption, where the adopters visit the child who is living with her real family.
But that is unthinkable. The child is owned by the adopters, and they have no intention of giving her back. It’s OK for a grieving mother to give up her newborn, but offensive to even consider an adopter giving her back!
Nobody owns a child biological adoptive foster or whatever they are. I don’t plan on buying a baby. I plan on knowing what my money is going towards. If its going towards my home inspection and a social worker I am fine with that. I refuse to out bid someone for a child.
I think you need to understand that every situation is different. Just because you had an awful scenario doesn’t mean someone else will (and vice versa).
Just as adoption agencies and prospective adoptive parents shouldn’t take advantage of expectant mothers who are emotionally vulnerable expectant/birth parents shouldn’t take advantage of prospective and adoptive parents who themselves are emotionally vulnerable.
“But that is unthinkable. The child is owned by the adopters, and they have no intention of giving her back. It’s OK for a grieving mother to give up her newborn, but offensive to even consider an adopter giving her back!”
Exactly. I have always said, if adoption is so wonderful and such a great way to “build a family”, offer up one of your own children or in this case, give the child back to it’s natural family. It is all about ownership and possession.
After I found my son when he was of age, it was sickening how protected THEY were and how only their feelings mattered. I was the one who was treated like a “piece of garbage” and a “second class citizen”.
I was conned, manipulated and deceived into a fraudulent open adoption by the people I CHOSE, met and spent time with and my son worships the ground they walk on. Don’t tell me about being treated like a “piece of used garbage”, Greg. Thanks. My son is brainwashed and emotionally manipulated by these nutters because they are insecure, possessive and greedy. They could care less about how my life was nearly destroyed when I lost my child to adoption, due to a very uninformed decision. They didn’t even say hello after I found him; no “were sorry” for losing contact after only a few years, nothing. It is all about them and what they want. My existence on this earth was not to provide those people and their families with my flesh and blood. He is my child and belonged with his own people.
Come back here and cry and expect sympathy when you have endured that, Greg. Your infertilty is not anyone else’s problem and no young vulnerable young woman should have to endure a life sentence of ambiguous loss because of it.
A child in an orphanage does NOT have any extended family. Perhaps I was not clear when I wrote that. There are thousands of children languishing in them. Do a little research, if you so concerned about the orphans of the world and want to “build a family”.
You say you are so open to having the natural family in your life if you adopted an infant domestically, but I’m not buying it. That is what they all say, until the ink is dry on the relingushment papers, then all the sudden it all changes. Again, do some research. There are thousands of us out here this has happened to. Once adoptive parents get the coveted prize, someone else’s child, they turn into different people (or else back to the people they really were in the first place).
No one owes you their infant because you are infertile, Greg. Your suggestion that they do is highly “offensive”.
Sam,
I don’t look at adoption as a “great” or even “ideal” way to build a family. Reading your type of experience are what make me hesitate to pursue adoption. I’m undecided right now in the gathering of information to make the best informed decision. I lean towards us not adopting but I have no choice but to be open to it because there are few options available and adoption is the only one my wife seems to be comfortable with.
I know it doesn’t mean much to you but it upsets me to read your story. I am sorry that you were manipulated rather than educated on what all of your options were (including parenting). I am sorry you did not have the luxury that my wife and I have of educating ourselves on our options.
Believe me if you want but I would want to have a relationship with the child’s biological family. I understand how that is rare and not believable and I accept that. It’s not something I would disclose in an interview with an expectant mother. Again all I would want to do is for them to get an understanding of who we are and I would want to get a sense of who she is. Regardless it’s her decision not ours. You are absolutely right when you say no one owes us a child. I don’t expect anyone to just hand us a child.
Again you are wrong about orphans not having a family. They didn’t get here via a magic stork, they have a set of parents who conceived them they have biological relatives. So by your logic they have families. Adoptive parents are never “real” parents even in the cases of foster adoption according to your logic. I will never be someone’s dad according to your logic. According to your logic biology not biography is what determines who is a parent. A foster parent is just a babysitter until the child reaches adulthood according to your logic.
So you are so worried about YOUR life being invaded, yet have no problem invading a young woman’s and her entire families lives by coveting their blood? Do you think adopting an infant erases their history? And you say you want the natural family in your life after you adopt? I call B.S. You want them gone so you can live in fantasy land. If the idea of “competing” with people for the privilege of being a parent makes you so physically ill, you have no business adopting.
That is what it is to adopters, a competition to see who get’s the most love, loyalty and devotion from a child that came from other people. If they can’t have it ALL for themselves, they don’t want it.
How about the whole idea of someone’s child calling strangers mom and dad makes them physically ill? Especially when they had to lie, con and deceive for the “privilege” of becoming a parent. If you have to resort to this to become a parent, you should be physically ill.
Adopting a child doesn’t change the child’s history nor does it erase their biological connection. Nothing will ever change that.
As far as invading a young woman’s life and family, I don’t see it that way. The decision is entirely in their hands in terms of who they select to parent their child (including themselves). They are judging my home, income level, background and personality. I understand why it has to be done but it still doesn’t make it less comfortable to think about.
Again according to your logic no person that did not have a part in the conception of a child should be called mom or dad. Because it makes the “real” parents physically ill and just isn’t true to begin with according to your logic. So unless a child’s biological parents raise them they will never be raised by a mother and/or father. They would be raised by strangers according to your logic.
Yes I believe that all children who Are not raised in their own family are raised by strangers. I believe a human being can only have 2 parents. That’s not to say that sometimes it may be necessary for strangers to raise a child, and those bonds can be very strong, they just cannot really be parents. That’s just the way nature works.
If I am understanding you correctly, you are saying that due to a genetic condition that I was born with I will never be a father and can never build a family? In your view I would be better off investing my free time to volunteer with a big brother organization and give money to child based organization to serve a purpose in society? Or maybe I should just kill myself rather than adopt domestically?
Do I have that correct?
Yes Greg, it’s true that you will never be a father. I know it’s not fair, and I’m sorry that is your fate.
I’m not sure exactly what “building a family” is. It sounds like something from an adoption agency advertisement.
I think you have some issues to work out before you consider having a child in your life. If you are feeling suicidal over your infertility, please seek help. There are many other ways to have children in your life, besides buying them.
Buying an infant will not fix your problems, and bringing a child into your troubled life will not help the child either.
I hope you can find a way to live with your infertility, and I hope you do not buy someone’s child to try and fill a void in your life. That’s a hard burden to place on an innocent baby.
First of all my comment was sarcastic as a way to tell you how dismissive you’ve been of my feelings and perspective. Secondly if you must know I have been in counseling for a few months. Yes, I am depressed. No, I am not suicidal. Not that you care or should you care to pass judgment on me.
As far as what building a family means, the old natural way is conception by a man and a woman. Alternative family building methods include using donor gametes (donor sperm, donor egg, donor embryo and surrogacy), adopting and foster adoption. All come with their flaws and none are perfect or ideal for that matter. These are things I never thought about six months ago but have all become very real. Think of them what you will but it goes beyond just adoption.
And again you offend me with the “I hope you find a way to live with your infertility.” line. Do you not understand how offensive that is? That’s like me turning around and telling you that I hope you learn to live with being adopted. Which is equally offensive (again just an example not something I mean). I don’t know the pain you are living with and won’t pretend that I know. So please I ask that you not pretend to know my pain that I will live with the rest of my life regardless of whether or not a child is in my life.
The only reason I came her was to gain perspective of a different side of adoption. It wasn’t to convince anyone that my wife and I are these wonderful people who are worthy of adopting a child. And it wasn’t to convince anyone that what they are feeling is right or wrong. Personally I think you are all justified in how you feel. But understand my perspective does as well.
greg –
perhaps it will put your mind at ease to know that, despite marylee’s response to me, i am not trying to get my baby back. that would be literally impossible. if it was possible, i would have had him returned to me the second i realized i made a mistake, which was only hours after i signed the papers.
adoption is a really sensitive topic to many people here and that’s why you were attacked. i for one am happy to have you, regardless of your views and my total disagreement with them.
Ariel,
I am so sorry and I hope that I did not offend you. I don’t think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. I think it’s shitty that you didn’t receive support when you needed it the most. I take that back you should be supported all the time not just when you are needed.
I understand why I was attacked. Please understand why I came on strong. For me being on the other side there are lots of emotions as well. I am playing with fire here addressing an emotional topic from what may be seen as an enemy perspective. So many of the stories I’ve read on here are truly heartbreaking. My goal is to gain perspective, which I have. I appreciate your feedback and wish you the best of luck.
Hi, there, long time no comment 🙂
This post popped up in a search I was doing related to a study done last year about adoptive parent attitudes toward their children’s first families – honestly, this could be a review of it (it’s the study you posted in November).
This post and the study both get to what’s wrong with adoptive parent and really mainstream attitudes about surrendering mothers: they’re just plain wrong.
Sam says “On the contrary, if my wife and I decided adoption was how we build a family the last thing I would want to do is coerce expectant parents into choosing me to be their child’s parents. What we would do is let the expectant parents know who we are and then they would make the decision. If they choose us, someone else or decided to raise the child themselves is their choice not anyone else’s.”
This is a good example of where the mainstream’s head is at around surrender: that it is a choice. It is never a choice; it may be a decision made at the hardest possible time in a woman’s life, it may be the best one can do in a challenging situation, but it is never a “choice.”
Choice implies empowerment and that the chooser had two acceptable alternatives to consider. In the absence of these, there is no “choice.”
Dear Greg,
I’m a 45 year old adoptee – you’re right, there is a range of thoughts, feelings, experiences. I’m sorry you are saddened right now at the prospect of not having your own “homegrown” children.
I don’t care for the whole “family building” bit- grow one, grow one with donor gametes or adopt. All designed to mimic a nuclear family. “Family” comes in all shapes and sizes! I lament the disappearance of the clan, the extended family. I lament the loss of community.
When my mother relinquished me in 1968, I lost not only her, but my aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, ethnic family recipes, heritage, stories. My descendants and I lost my rightful place in the DAR and Mayflower society because I can’t prove blood lineage. Conversely, these societies don’t care one iota about legal (adoptive) parentage. It’s blood that matters.
In my early 20s I got a hold of my adoption papers. I changed my name from the one my legal parents gave me. It hurt them – what are we, babysitters? They asked. No, I said. You were legal parents who had parental rights for a time. The reality is that the “build our family through adoption; it’s “as if born to” ” myth that they bought in to turned out to be a sham. In the end, their carefully chosen healthy white female infant went back to her people. Like Moses did.
I never had a falling out with my legal parents. We just never meshed. The way they smell, talk, the food they eat just never jived with me. They tried to do me well. They even gave me a pony. But they bought into a lie, hook line and sinker.
How might your grown adopted child feel to read in his-her baby book “We wanted you SO much… We couldn’t have children of our own so we CHOSE…” Some adoptees probably feel special and chosen. But some feel commodified.
Just food for thought. Best wishes on your journey, sir.
Anne,
I am sorry to hear of your loss.
A “Nuclear Family” is very rare today. Going beyond adoption, with divorce rates being what they are today having non blood relatives that are family are very common. The idea of adoptive parents just being legal parents until the child turns 18 I disagree with. Adoptive parents responsibility is not just providing a safe home for the child but raising the child to become a mature, confident, responsible adult. That is where the bond between a child and adoptive parent should be.
For me if my wife and I do decide to pursue adoption it will be because we wanted to become parents and raise a child and become a part of its life. If we were lucky enough to be chosen by someone to raise a child it wouldn’t be us choosing them it would be their biological parents choosing and entrusting us. Not the other way around. I understand the child may end up living with the pain and being hurt by it. But a child born and raised by biological parents could have their own different type of pain. We aren’t looking to raise the perfect child. We are looking to raise a child that we would be a part of their life. I don’t expect a child to have to love us if we raise it. Love is something that is earned not automatically given because of a biological connection or because materiel goods are provided.
Best wishes on your journey as well.
You didn’t hear a word.
And neither have you. But I know according to you I need to learn to live with my situation. Perhaps you should take your own advice instead of spewing hate.