Shame, Hiding, and Fear in Adoption

I jotted this down in the beginning of May right before I did the Blog Talk Radio Show with LeAnne Parsons. We had planned on talking about the mythical “Adoption Closet” and coming out, finding our voice for the show, but then LeAnne asked about the ACTUAL PHYSICAL closet NOT just a mental thing, but what the closest really was if it was a real area in our lives.

So that conversation produced this train of thought:

“Who built the closet? What are the walls made of, what is the foundation on? What was is the door made of and who decided to shut it? Is it locked? Who has the key? Does it have to be broken down to let in light?

What’s in it. Skeletons come to mind, but Skeletons are dead and dried up and useless. It mean something died in there and decomposed. Can’t hide the stench. Makes the whole house stink! Everything gets affected.  Do we just get use to that smell and think it is normal?

All the things we never use anymore, get boxed and buried way deep where we do, sometimes, forget about them. Whats in the way back? Do we been NEED what we are saving anymore. And if it is important then WHY is is stuffed in a closet.  Clean it out: Just like real organization tips; three boxes; Give it away ( back to those that gave it to you) Throw away  or USE it. But know what you have. Know what is in there. Know what is preventing you from making use out of it. Can’t get to your Shoes ( happy place) because this big box of crap is in your way! Get organized!

Closest can keep stuff out or keep you in? A prison? A Trap. A very small space where you can only turn around and around bumping into the same four walls and never getting anywhere, tripping over the junk.   Too small a space, no one else fits. Can’t share the space.”

Then we talked on the radio for an hour about it; and I have to say, I found it rather insightful to think about the closet as a real physical space and then even surprised myself by some of the strong metaphors that came out of that thought process. If you missed the babble, you can listen right now, but I got hightlights.

Building the Adoption Closet

So my first thoughts are IF the closet is a real place to dwell in, then who builds it?

Now in my case, I did help in finding the close and even saying I was willing to occupy it. Maybe I didn’t realize how tight and crapped it would be.  I didn’t realize that once one enters the closest it, not as easy to get out of. If I look back on what I knew of adoption in 1987 when I first “willingly” became a birthmother, I certainly did not think that I would be talking about a adoption for the rest of my days.  I think that is a mistake many of us make, or we are told to expect, the loss and pain that exists in the closet is a temporary place, but we can eventually leave. It surly isn’t as easy as just opening the door and becoming “normal” again.

So some of us willing walked in, some of us were literally thrown into the closet against our will.  So I can say that I walked in, but I certainly did not build the whole place. The foundation is shame and fear and maybe that is my part, I provided the foundation that this birthmother closet could be built on. I know my mother had a wall, Max’s father gave a wall, the agency had a wall, and society had one too. There’s a door, there is a ceiling. So many different ways that this closet can come together. Maybe one wall is made of shame, another of fear, another of doubt?

Grieving for the Mother We Are Not

Sometimes, I literally surprise myself when I say things. I did that while on the show. If you note, I did mention the “skeleton” in the closet in my “before” writing. Rather expected and cliché, I know, but when I took it literally, as a real set of bones, which did mean that something died in the closet; then the visual became, I think, a powerful truth.

If there is a real place called the birthmother Adoption Closet, then what really died inside was the mother we were supposed to be before surrendering.

In one way, SHE is what was locked up and denied the light. Of course, who we are cannot be separated form the mother we become when we give birth, so I wonder how much we stay in the closet just because we cannot be separated!  But still, she dies eventually. The mother I became  when Garin was born at age 23, is different than the mother I would have been to Max at age 19. And that girl/woman/ mother is just as lost as my baby and all the years missed. It’s funny, because I have thought about my 19 year old self and forgiven ER for making this huge mistake and letting adoption into our lives, but never the woman she was SUPPOSED to be. Oh I have wondered about her, the mother I was not ever again, but at one point, I have to say, too much time went by, too much life passed and I changed  too. I cannot go back to get her, I cannot save her. And she died.

So when I came out in our conversation saying we need to honor the loss of the mothers we could have been and bury our dead properly, it was a really powerful realization for me!

What Else I Need to Say about The Adoption Closet

I think I didn’t get to say this part as the time went by very fast. I would double check, but I can’t STAND listening to myself.

Coming out of the closet IS scary. But try to remember it was fear that often had a ton of influence in putting us in there. We were so afraid of the unknown; mothering, that the closet seemed like a better choice?  And now looking back, what we feared certainly wasn’t as bad as the reality.

Like for me; the FEAR of what my family ( and those damn nosey neighbors) would say about having a child at 19 was way worse then what the reality would have been; any “scandal” would have blown over in 6 months and Max would have simply been “my son” as opposed to 26 years later, it’s still a issue. The FEAR that this relationship with his father would have been a big deal, or that he might “think” I was trying to “trap” him or whatever, would have been over sooner enough when I didn’t actually “trap” him! And any FEAR I had of “resenting’ my child would have also, likewise, disappeared, when I wasn’t resentful of being a mother!  Bottom line; the things I feared lead me in the closet and then I think it’s easy to allow more fear to keep us in.

It is safe in the closet, even if we are not truly happy. We know the four walls, we know what lurks in the corners and shadows. But again, the fear  of what lays outside takes on much more power in our minds than I think is matched in reality.

Yes, we worry about what others will say. We worry about how we shall be judged. Wil people change their opinion of us when they hear that we are one of “those women” who can give away our babies. Our families, our children, friends, co-workers; what would they say if they KNEW the truth?

You know what? You won’t know until you try, but my guess is the people that know you and love you will be happy you told them. I can guess that they knew something was up, but just had no idea what that something was. What will they say after,” Why didn’t you tell me?” will probably along the lines of kindness and sympathy especially if you speak truthfully about how hard it was and how hurt you still are. And really, you have probably had to listen to people say really ignorant stuff about adoption for years and bite your tongue; now at least maybe some folks will think twice before they say demeaning stuff towards mothers. Of course, not all will; some folks remain insensitive fools, but why should you stay quiet and take the hit? And again, those folks will be few and far between. Yeah, you get annoyed, but isn’t the occasional headache worth a life of not hiding? A life of being free?

What’s Outside the Adoption Closet?

I don’t think I can describe the freedom from worrying and do it justice. Oh granted, it wasn’t an overnight process and it took time. I did take baby steps telling one person at a time, but it really does get easier. You figure out what to say and how to say it. You get comfortable telling your story. It BECOMES your story as you own it and it feels right.  It stops being this “big huge deal” that you dread bringing up; but just becomes who you are.

And honestly, why continue to try to avoid that? If you are in an adoption closet than adoption is affecting your life all the time as it is and is WHO YOU ARE. Own it.

And after a while, there is no fear anymore, You don’t find your hands shaking after an adoption conversation. It doesn’t matter what the other person really thinks, because their opinion can’t change it anyway. You know  it’s your truth and you speak it without hesitation. And there are no secrets anymore.

I have to say that again –  There are NO SECRETS anymore!

Which also means that NO ONE can hold anything over on you. No more fear of who knows and who doesn’t, who can tell on you and who cannot. When you come out of  the adoption closet you take your power back and you tell your story your way, on your terms. I have to say, it really makes a differnce.

And it feels really really good.

Lord knows, the search for “peace and contentment’ post- relinquishment will be in vain and I certainly do not prescribe to being a “proud birthmother,” but  I am one and nothing can take that away, so hiding it is just allowing the secrets forced upon us to continue.

And then, MOST importantly to me, every time we tell your stories we not only give permission for another to own theirs, but we amplify and support every other voice that has gone ahead of us. It’s actually one of the few true win-wins in adoption. It’s healthy for us, personally to speak our truths and then, it helps pothers before and after.

And  that might be the best we are going to get. For a final does of inspiration, I leave you with this video of a TedTalk; Please stop clutching the birthmother grenade.