“Proactively” Advertising  for “Your Birthmother” is Tacky and Exploitative

While I am very aware that this is what the “adoption professionals” have told you to do this and that there are classes and marketing people who say this is a good idea, I do find it morally repugnant.  And, I am not going to apologize for saying so.

So the other day I got wind that a hopeful adoptive parent was trying to infiltrate a birthmother and pregnancy  crisis group on Facebook , so I took a minute and looked at the Facebook page.   It annoyed me to see these folks from my state of New York  trolling for babies of Facebook, especially their desire for a newborn,  and so I posted about it;

 “I find trolling for potential birthmothers on Facebook to be oh so very tacky. Of COURSE you would like a womb fresh newborn for #adoption. Meanwhile there are 19,256 children in NYS foster care, 5,230 have a goal of adoption, and 1,146 are legally freed and waiting for an adoptive family. But Nicole and Mike looking to Adopt don’t want any of THOSE children that actually NEED a home. Better to try to find a women at risk and have her give her motherhood to them. yuck yuck yuck.”

Now, I actually don’t really care about the fact that “Nicole Mike” and her friends didn’t like being criticized for their actions. Truthfully, that is a chance you take when you do these things on in a public venue. When something is PUBLIC it means that others DO have the right to say something about your actions. I could have just talked bout you without linking at all to your page and that, actually would have been talking behind your back.  Instead you were given a wonderful opportunity to hear form the adoption community so you could better yourself.

The fact is that if Nicole Mike had bothered to pay attention to the other groups and pages that she was trying to get into, then I would not have  even noticed the page. If she had bothered to do a tiny bit of research and had at all respected the rules of the  adoption community that she is so desperate to be part of, then  I wouldn’t have had anything to say at all.  It was the blatant disrespect for the adoption community and the boundaries set that  called the attention of her actions and invited this discussion.

What is interesting however, is some of the responses and conversations that went on. It was a bit of a shit storm.  You can read the whole thread here, though the defenders of free advertising seemed to have taken their toys and left in a huff:

Now there are several main ideas that were made in this thread.

Is Advertising to Adopt Ethical?

The first being on whether or not hunting social media and advertising for a child to adopt is at all ethical. I obviously, say no. I find it crass I and distasteful.  Now I also do understand, as stated, that this is what the adoption industry TELLS hopeful adoptive parents to do. So they might not even be aware that what they are doing is wrong. However, ignorance is not an excuse especially when, given this thread, they were given countless opportunities  to hear from birthmothers, other adoptive parents, other adoptive professionals and especially adoptees and choose NOT to listen at all.

The thing is that the advertising  is not needed.  If Nicole and Mike really just want the opportunity to parent a child  because of a desire to  provide a home for a child who needs a home, then they could not need to advertise so aggressively on social media.  All Nicole and Mike need to do is look to foster care in New York State as there ARE children who need homes and are ready to adopt.   I mean why troll for babies on Facebook when there are 1,000 children waiting for a family? One of the angry posts accused me of giving inaccurate information on the numbers of waiting foster care kids, but I shall rest by the sources; NYSCCC.org.

“There are 19,276 children in foster care in New York State. 5,230 children have a goal of adoptIon, 1,000 of whom are legally freed and waiting for an adoptive family. “

But  then, we have to acknowledge that Nicole and Mike don’t seem to really want to help a child who needs a home, they want to adopt a newborn. And to get a nice womb fresh newborn, they have to find a birthmother. I guess Nicole and Mike didn’t get the memo that the pregnant women that they are looking for, the one who is just dying to give them her baby, is as mythical as the unicorn.  I am sure that they think this mother to be is just hoping and waiting for a “sign” that Nicole and Mike are heaven sent to relive her of her child.  Sadly, I never believed for one second that Nicole Mike actually was into being educated about the realities. My gut was just that they want what they want and they are in their full right to get what they want.

Do Other  in the Adoption Community Have a Right to Speak Up?

Several of the troll’s defenders accused others of being horrible people  for daring to say anything.  The fact that those seeking were actual adoptees, speaking for this yet un-found, probably unborn child, was lost. The fact that other birthmothers were saying how these ads would be considered gross to them was also lost.

Personally, I think this whole “people have a right to build a family any way they feel comfortable with” ideal is just seriously messed up.  Yes, we DO have a right, as a society, or judge others and say  “Hey, this is not cool. ” I mean isn’t that how civilization decides on things? Isn’t that how we put it in place that we are not allowed to kill each other? Isn’t that how slavery was ended?  Isn’t that how laws that prevent things like their and beatings and rape and abuse happen? Isn’t that how we are supposed to things like stop bullying? We are supposed to say something? Educate? Stand up and be heard?   There are certain practices that happen in adoption, that are considered acceptable by the industry that are NOT acceptable and are deemed hurtful by the community who is tired of being preyed upon.  What are we supposed to do? Sit back and say nothing because others might be upset? Sorry, that just not in my DNA.

Besides, again, when you go public online, then you are opening yourself up to discussion. I know it’s not fun, but that’s the breaks. If you don’t like it, then don’t be public about it.

Is Adoption Baby Buying?

It is just ignorant to ignore the simple fact that economics play a huge part on adoption.

The fact is adoptive parents, unless they ARE going the foster care route, do need thousands of dollars to adopt and that most birthmothers do have financial issues that cause them to turn to adoption.  That is the reason why issues such as birthmother expenses are so important to look at ethically.  It is also why so many adoption agencies hide the  truth of their profits and making money from the transfer of parental rights behind the “non-profit adoption agency myth”  And if it’s NOT baby selling/ buying then why cannot a mother advertise to find adoptive couples on Craigslist?

There are some seriously great points made in that thread and I think worth a read through. I really loved seeing so many of us form all points of the adoption community working together to educated these folks. Even if they just stomped their feet and told us we were horrible people.

Sadly, however, what makes me really the saddest is that, once again, the answer was to just dismiss all the valid voices.

Nicole Mike didn’t want to hear what anyone had to say. Her response? STFU. She later deleted that reply I guess she didn’t want to scare away any preggos?

And for me? This is what I was messaged with my response that I was not allowed to send.

For anyone who is pregnant and looking into adoption, please don’t entertain Nicole Mike, but instead, please find the help you need to parent your child.  Yes, they look pretty, but looks can be deceiving. Obviously, she doesn’t not respect any women who has relinquished or the adoptees feelings. Your child does deserve better.  Your child deserves you.

For anyone else who does find this type of advertising unacceptable, please do know that you can report the page and the profile to Facebook.  The fact is that child trafficking is illegal and “Nicole Mike” is not a “real name” and is against the Facebook terms of service.   Nothing personal here folks. Just doing what I need to do to protect mothers at risk.

ETA: Oh now we are thugging it? And what Rye’s balls has to do with any of this? I’m not sure. But this has been added for “Mike the “Shark Saver”.  Who is “bullying”?