And the big question..Oh what do you do? Enter the adoption world.
But what was GREAT..is that here is person, with no ties to adoption..and she got it..right off the bat. I didn’t need to explain or defend or nothing. In fact, when she asked how old I was when I had Max…and I said 19, she said “Not so young, but young enough that other people could really influence what you did” BINGO!
Three loss of limbs in two days and then Jack’s statement:
So all of them are comfortable with their loss, not comfortable, really, but that they have accepted their loss.
I am comfortable, I have accepted. I don’t hide it. I am a mother of loss. You can’t really see it unless you know where to look…unless I wear one of my tshirts. I don’t have a stump. But I still don’t like it. Of course, I gather that none of those men would be thrilled that they had their body parts chopped off either. But I don’t know for sure. I didn’t ask.
Maine does not plan to give up, nor to compromise the basic human, civil right for every citizen to have access to their original truthful (sadly not always the case) birth certificate, for the same nominal fee.
Now I know she is asking for infertility and still born stories..and I don’t mean to smarf all over their chance to get heard. So nothing personal here ya’all. This isn’t a grief contest, just a chance too for us birthmothers.
I don’t really KNOW what I am doing, I just do it. I do what I have to do, I do what I want to do. I treasure those moments when all seems right in the world. Going out sometimes, or just all hanging on our bed..and it hits me..I have so much..look at us.
I can’t go back though time. I can’t really save myself. There was no pregnant girl looking like me, standing around, waiting, on the streets of Newton when we drove though. Not even a ghost. But on coming home, yeah, something did come back with me. Happiness no longer must work around that blackness to reach though me to the other side, now it just shines though..it is like I am made of glass. See me, I am full.
So I have this list of four pages, small font, of all the people who were at the ACC conference. I talked to many people about a lot of things. I never give away enough cards. So I was all planned out to come home, make this great database. email list for there. I want to send out a Email basically saying hi, hope I got to talk to you, but if…
The fact is..there are ENOUGH moms who relinquished who are saying…hey, it didn’t work like that. And enough adoptees say the same thing. Human nature is different than the plan and the beliefs. They were built on faulty principles Not your fault, not mine..lets blame the adoption industry. They have known for some time, they have had the information at hand, and still they kept throwing this pipe dream at us all and selling us all down a river.
I love the way we are like mirror images of each other. Our bodies are turned in the same way, held at the same angles. Even the holes in our pants, the wrinkles on our coat arms are the same. The way we hold our arms at our sides, both hands closed in fists. We match so well. I like to the one with all of us, where I am elbowing Matt, He refused to “show teeth” when he smiled. Which is really funny as I never noticed that before about him, but I have the same trouble with Tristan. The damn kid won’t smile big just like his uncle.
Even with all that you see here, all that I DID sign, all that I was told, I still felt that I had no choice. I did this because it was the only thing I could do. And I signed all, I agreed to all, I waived all because I was trying to be the best dern birthmother the agency had ever had. I wanted them to be so proud of me. I wanted acceptance and I knew that by being “strong”, by being determined, I would make them happy. I would prove my worth.
Ann Fessler and Me: Me, Celeste, Heather and Bernadette at the ACC 2007 Conference: Oh, you weren’t interested in seeing pictures form the American Adoption Congress Conference You were looking for reunion pictures?
Visit The Adoption Truth Store on Cafe Press Most of these, I created because I WANTED them and there was nothing else like it out there. There are a bunch more things there, as I just updated the store and had a tiny bit too much fun. Well, actually I moved it to a new one since they wouldn’t let me update the old one decently and THEN, I made a bunch…
It is amazing of course. He is amazing..of course. It is just as I know it will be. We are just hanging and out and talking like we are great close pals that have not see each other in…forever…but we know each other..even though we don’t. We have a lot of catching up to do. Nothing is an elephant. Nothing is taboo. It’s all good…our feelings so similar..how we take it in..same. We talk about it all…past his life my life parents, siblings…it just IS. We sit and list the same things about us…..our favorite foods, asking questions…marvel and degree Nature as the clear winner…kicking nurtures ASS big time. And yeah, we finish each others sentences…at least once…and what a doozie!!
It was funny..people were very “ohhhh” and “ahhh” over my going to met Max tomorrow. But surprised that I was just going alone to see him?? And they would ask, “who is going with you? Don’t you have support?” and I was like…yeah, I’m here..what else do I need?? I don’t need someone to hold my hand when I do it, though maybe a photographer would be cool, but I want to have the time to process it afterwards and have others be thrilled for me..so what better place than a adoption conference?
I should be more excited, but part of me is like..yeah, I am going to go met my son for the first time in 19 years like I do this every day..but part of me HAS done this everyday. I have thought about this and rehearsed this, I have fantasied and imagined and wondered and tried to feel it so much, that this time, even if it is real, feels like pretend again. Just another day dream, this time with a better more well written script.