What I am Not Doing

I think Halloween has lost its power of diversion on me. Perhaps it is case like Adoption Kool-aid where when discovers the power of a false prophet, all the magic just disappears or like Santa Claus, one must really believe with one’s heart and soul for it to be true. In any case, since 2011, I have known that in some level, my great love of Halloween is an adoption coping mechanism built out of the evil acts of time moving along; November follows October and onward into National Adoption Awareness Month and the time leading up to Max’s birth and my “Gotcha” days.

This year, rather than the heightened excitement and the carefully built brick wall of feelings creating, and the actual day of Halloween found me weepy. Oh, I can easily give it other reasoning; the kids had great plans, Rye was already committed to be out that evening, and despite being a Friday night, we had already had our party and my plans, aside from dolling out $126.00 worth of candy, was to be rather uneventful.  At least that is how I explained my bad mood and outbursts though out the day. To accept the other possibility was just too upsetting.

But honestly, it’s the curse of November gathering on the horizon of my life; the looming shadow that darkens my days of fall.

My Wonderful NAAM Plans for 2014

The last two years I have had “plans” for National Adoption Awareness month. I had joined in on NaBloPoMo and committed, even if not entirely completed, a post a day for all of November with 2013 having a fully planned theme of  adoption activism activities every day.   This year, every time I though; “Shit, NAAM is almost here.. what are you going to do?” my internal answer was.. “I don’t know. I don’t wanna. I am just not feeling it.”

And I am not. I have no great plans. No commitments to blog my heart out. No schemes. Just… nothing.

Now granted, again, reality here, it’s not like I really NEED to. It’s great to see that other people are taking the bull by the horns and running with ideas.

For instance the “Is Adoption Trauma” Page on Facebook has created a whole slew of great sayings crowd sourced from the adoption community and made into images. I can just help by sharing them. Other folks are also sharing  the “less than popular” facts about adoption that we should all be aware of too. It’s super easy to support other’s efforts and something that I strongly believe we all should be doing.

But me.. I feel just dried out this year and really just don’t feel up to this right now. Oh, it’s not from lack of ideas; I have plenty of “projects” that are valid and worthwhile and need attention. It’s not from any form of writer’s block as I have lists of things that need to be finished and posted. I could blame things on the ever consistent “lack of time” which is real.    But those  issues are all constants. It’s the motivation which has wavered. I want to go hide.  I just want to cuddle with my cat. I want to unplug from adoption. I want to do things like search for new area rugs for my living room and dining room. And chairs. I need new dining room chairs for Thanksgiving. I find myself obsessing about.. Thanksgiving.

Which I have a sad feeling is just another distraction from November.

So.. just to let you know. I’m trying here. I’m trying.