By Laura Marie Scoggins

When I received my original birth certificate from Ohio, one of the first things I did was show it to my adopted mom.

We ended up having one of the best conversations about my adoption that we’ve ever had in my entire life.

It was a healing conversation. It was like the whole thing coming full circle.

The conversation made me realize a few things.

1. My adopted mom has always supported me no matter what.

My adopted mom and I have always had a very difficult relationship. I’m not sure which came first the chicken or the egg. Did I not bond with her causing resentment which led to her treatment of me, or did her behavior cause me not to bond?

I will never truly know the answer to that question.

My adopted mom and I have been to Hell and back throughout our 49 year relationship. We have stood toe to toe with the boxing gloves on.

The very relationship that almost destroyed me has turned me into the strong independent person that I am.

My adopted mom is currently 86 years old living in a retirement community with rapidly declining health. As an only child I have been the only person to help care for her. That has been quite a challenge based on our history. It had caused a lot of PTSD type issues, and brought up a lot about our past. Being the caregiver has also given me a lot of insight into my mom, provided understanding I’ve never had before, and given me a new perspective.

Our relationship still isn’t and never will be great, but we have somehow reached a point where it’s tolerable. A point where it’s as good as it’s ever going to be. My painful history with my mom is finally starting to heal. Maybe just in time.

2. My adopted mom was always truthful with me about my adoption.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know I was adopted. She started telling me stories about my adoption from such a young age that I don’t even remember being told the first time.

I was adopted through Catholic Charities in Evansville, Indiana, and placed with my adopted parents when I was 12 days old. As a child I would crawl up on my mom’s lap and ask her to tell me the story about the day they got me. I have to say my parents did a really good job in the way they just made it a part of my life.

She knew my birth mother had named me Laura Marie, so from a very young age I knew that was my original name. She knew I was born in Cincinnati, Ohio. She told me every little bit of information the agency told her, which wasn’t much, but she was completely truthful about what little she did know.

Despite our difficult relationship she had always been truthful with me.

3. My adopted mom always supported my search.

Growing up my adopted mom told me if and when I ever decided to search she would help me. I knew she meant it, but I did not tell my mom when I began searching. I was 22 years old when I first began searching and 36 years old when I was reunited with my maternal family. It was not a continuous search during those years, and my search did not really take speed until the late 90’s when suddenly the Internet took adoption search and reunion to a whole new level.

I remember the day when I received the news that my birth mother had died of breast cancer and that I was three years too late in finding her. One of the first things I did was call my adopted mom. I told her I had been searching and that I had just found out about her death. I started to cry while telling her, and my mom cried on the other end of the phone.

Despite our difficult relationship she supported my search.

4. My adopted mom was strong enough for me to search for my history.

I hear so many stories of adopted parents who don’t support their child’s search. It breaks my heart. Some often make threats such as they will disown the child if they search. Many feel threatened.

Recently a friend told me about an adopted mom she knows who gets so upset when she hears about adoptees searching for their birth family. Why does she get upset? Is she that insecure in her relationship with her child? Does she not realize that a child is capable of loving more than one family just like a parent is able to love more than one child?

My adopted mom always said “if my 18 years of raising you can’t stand up against you searching for your birth mom then I guess I didn’t do a very good job.”

Despite our difficult relationship she was still confident enough to know my desire to search had nothing to do with our relationship. She fully expected me to want to search and know the truth someday.

5. My adopted mom taught me to admire and respect my birth mother.

On the few occasions that I made comments about being “given away” or “not being wanted” those comments were met with a very stern look and tone of voice from my adopted mom.

She said things like “don’t you dare speak poorly of your birthmother” or “she had no choice but to give you up” or “she thought she was doing the right thing” or “she made the ultimate sacrifice to make sure you had a good life.”

My adopted mom had a lot of insecurities in life. She was the type of person that invented things to worry about. She had a lot of problems and issues of her own. BUT My birthmother’s pain and sacrifice was not lost on my adopted mom. She had nothing but respect for her and taught me to respect her as well.

6. My adopted mom was heartbroken to discover all of the lies and falsified records surrounding my adoption.

She was even more heartbroken to discover all that my birth mother endured to bring me into this world. She had never heard of the baby scoop era and how these women were coerced to give up their children.

My adopted mom is about as Catholic as you can get. She’s 86 years old. She comes from a different generation where people respected their elders, leaders, and those in authority. Her generation believed these people knew what they were doing, deserved respect and were trustworthy.

She was in total and complete shock to discover Catholic Charities falsified all of my birth records, gave my birthmother an alias name, notarized that alias name, and filed false court documents. She would never have believed it without the proof.

7. My adopted mom truly admired my birth mother and hoped to meet her someday.

During our conversaton about receiving my OBC, my adopted mom commented how she would have liked to meet my birthmother. My response was that I liked to think they would have been friends.

For better or worse, my adopted mom was my mother. She was the person that raised me, took care of me when I was sick, provided me with a good education and all I needed. Unfortunately, the one thing lacking in our relationship was love and affection.

Despite all of the wounds from my childhood and difficult relationship with my adopted mother, my search was not an attempt to replace her. I know from meeting my birthmother’s seven sisters and discovering how much I have in common with them that my birthmother and I would have had much in common. We would have been great friends and become very close. She would have been an addition to my life. She would not have replaced my adopted mom.

Despite our difficult relationship my adopted mom understood this.

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