Ten Years After Contact with My Relinquished Child

On April 4th, 2005, I found  Max’s profile on MySpace and sent out my first message to him. While I had technically “found him” the year before in July, April 4th is really the day I considered the end of my exile as a birthmother because the connection between us was reestablished.

I remember when I first came online in 2001 and  for his birthday that year, as he turned 14, I was giddy with the thought that only four more years stood between me and his 18th birthday. As I signed the waiver  before he was even born that would allow access to my contact information when he turned eighteen, to me, eighteen years was the time frame to count down. In 2001, I wrote how  four more years was “only one term of presidency, or high school or college. Four years is nothing. Four years goes by in a instant.”   I still didn’t think I had the right, as a birthmother, to search for him, but I hoped he would search me out as soon as possible.  In any case, I only had those “four more years” to wait and I had better get ready.  I fell into our AdoptionLand Community and my patience gave out before those four more years were up.

I contacted Max on April 4th, 2005 because THAT was the day that I found him. He was seven months shy of that glorious eighteen, but the truth is the truth as my tattoo reminds me daily. I will not apologize for taking that action as he was happy to be found. I have ALWAYS said that the only person in adoption whose opinion really matters to me is Max’s. Only he has the right to judge me and he was happy. I am glad that not another day was lost to adoption.

I look back now, it was ten years ago  that our trajectory in adoption changed; we went from losing to gaining. Before this day, every day that passed was adding to the losses; yet after we began the journey to building that connection back.

How We Got Lucky in Adoption

I feel that internal conflict over what I want to say. There is a pull, perhaps I feel a needed obligation, to present a disclaimer before I continue on. I’m going to be writing about my actual joy today, but of course, by no means, would I ever want anyone to read about our happiness DESPITE adoption and consider that to be an endorsement of adoption, especially, voluntary domestic infant placement in any way.  I am well aware that in many ways we ARE a perfect example of an Adoption Happily Ever After Story, but I am also fully aware that we are too often NOT the norm. I often feel sad and almost guilty about that. Sometimes it is hard to allow myself the full joys of reunion because I know that for so many of us the challenges are many and the joys can be few.  I think it is like a version of Adoption Survivors guilt. However, I also know that a triumph provides hope and encouragement for others as well. I won’t say we are a model of “how things should be done”, because everyone has their own stuff and it is such a personal journey, but perhaps there is hope and help to be found in what I share.

But first and foremost, I say again, we got lucky, Max and I. There was a hell of a lot of luck that has allowed up to come though this all relatively intact and unscathed. And it is NOT because I did everything “right” or was the perfect “birthmother” and followed all the “birthmother rules”. Granted I have listened to adoptees, and learned so much and I know my research, but I cannot take credit for having a great reunion or in the end what has to be considered a “positive” adoption experience. None of that does mitigate the  pain of unknowing and the lost years for me. I know I will always carry with me a deep wound and a trigger can come out of nowhere, even in the form of a kitten, and knock me down flat.  I know that no matter what the outcome, no matter how much we might be restored today, Max’s adoption relinquishment was completely unnecessary and  that alone is tragic.

I’m a Freaking Rainbow Unicorn!

So I don’t know if it was my research and preparedness, or his young age, or that I was treated with kindness and glorified as the family building angel, or because his parents are good parents who loved him yet gave him the room to be true to himself, or because I searched early,  or our rebellious natures, or  that others supported him, or his siblings were young, or because I haven’t buried my emotions, or because we have negated the shame, or just due to a similar personality that  makes it easy.. and probably a combination of many of these factors.. as I said to Max this past weekend; “We made it OK. We’re ‘healthy’.”

And after spending the entire weekend with him both at the American Adoption Congress Conference and at my brother’s house just hanging , I can say that yes, we did make it OK.

It’s like a freaking miracle. I really DO feel like a Rainbow Unicorn. I should not exist, but I’m real! This weekend I realized that I didn’t just survive adoption loss. I beat it. It’s over. I won. Max is still my son. Adoption could not take him from me.

Seeing Max at the AAC Adoption Conference 2015

Every have one of those days where it seems like everything in your life is just lining up and it all comes together?  That was Saturday for me; at the AAC conference, presenting on my geeky search engine optimization for AdoptionLand, and Max was joining me.  Now there is a part of me that wants to give you an entire blow by blow of our weekend together, but I am also at that point where I will then straddle the line of what is his story to tell and what is mine.  Yet, I want to share, so I think we can comprise on my own personal highlights.

So it goes without saying it was just wonderful to see him. It had been a few years since we had a good physical visit though our rivalry on text during football season was at an all time high.  No matter, I was thrilled to be able to spend time with Max- having him there at the AAC was even more exciting; I had been attending the AAC in 2007 when we  had our first face to face meeting so I already had warm and fuzzy feelings, and I was presenting this time and he would get to see me, and I was just so excited to show him off to all my peeps especially as so many have watched us for years.  And it would be really his first time among all of what really is also “his ” people, his tribe.  Because I do know it is so important, I wanted him to have the feelings of belonging and validation that only like community support can provide.

Thank GOD I did warn him that people probably would be excited to meet him. I pretty much told him to be ready to “play the part of a rock star” and he was pretty much immediately hugged with an accompanying squeal of excitement. Plus he’s  dern good lucking guy, so he might have gotten hugged more than needed.

Anyway, I did my presentation which went rather well ( I will have that up online by Monday or Tuesday if you are looking!)

Then we sat in on the Lost Daughters Round-table and I know he was impressed with the wisdom being shared form the LD crew. We had a great lunch with Ohio’s Betsie Norris and I did try to impress Max with how Betsie is THE adoptee in the USA at the moment coming off her opening in Ohio! Search Angel and friend Patricia Neil got her fun in by bringing up football and then laughing at our heckling. Then we proceeded to basically stand I the same place for two hours talking to people before we sat and chatted a bit and then left the hotel for dinner. I think I tried to introduce him to EVERYBody.  I failed at taking pictures (as usual). We returned in time to head up to the party where I found out to my shock and surprise that my son could dance! My other kids do not dance with me! Anyway, max left later on when the party was winding down and came back on Sunday to pick me up. We headed out to my brother’s place where I was staying the that night. So we had a  super yummy brunch with Matt and his freaking just get married  already girlfriend,  Jen, walked around a bit and then just hung out the rest of the day at Matt’s.

 Easy Adoption Conversations that are Supposed to be Hard?

It doesn’t sound like much but it was completely amazing for nothing else but because everything was so freaking EASY. No eggshells, no weird silences, no taboo topics, just normal regular conversations.  I think because we had been at the conference we talked more about adoption than we normally do ( IE we don’t really talk about adoption), but again, it wasn’t at all every weird. And because it was “normal” to have these conversations, there were just the topic of the day or me just being a normal “mom”.

For instance, I was harassing him through the day and bugging him about his object status as a single guy;  I bemoaned how I have no sign of grandbabies in my future. I bother both or my boys, Garin at age 23 and Max at 27, about that. So that behavior I see as “normal’ mom stuff that is only compounded by the questionable “grandma” status that adoption can bring to the table. I have been saying now for some time that I have decided to really focus on what matters to me in this and “mom” status in such things like even a future wedding isn’t something worth feeling necessary. Whereas access to any  biological grandchildren IS, for me, non negotiable and worth pushing if needed. I feel that with this recent exchange, I have nothing at all to fear and while my future grandchildren will have extra grandparents, there is no need at all  to worry that I cannot be a “real” grandmother.

Other pieces of conversations were so valuable because they are conversations that need to be had, but the conference presented opportunities where others could ask max some of the harder questions.  Specially, I have been concerned for some time  that Max has not shown any desire to met his biological father and the passing of time weighs heavy on me. I know there might come a day, due to his advanced age, where Max will no longer have the opportunity to have that meeting. So I embraced the topic when thankfully another male adoptee did ask and encourage Max to at least think about exploring the idea of meeting his father. It gave me a very safe place to voice my concerns without being at all demanding or pushy.

Then there was also a wildly amusing conversation had over brunch where our genetic linage of being a very physically inflexible people was discussed.  Looking at Max and knowing without a doubt that like myself, and my brother and his other siblings, Max cannot touch his toes.  We are a stiff line with overtly tight hamstrings and apparently perhaps some long named condition which my brother self diagnosed with.  That Max knew of said conditions full name ( I have since forgot completely) and expressed that he felt the word itself was haunting him to me said the universe was preparing for knowing it was also part of his heritage. Luckily, all can be combated with yoga even if one might get mocked for doing so!

Another Adoption Epiphany

These moments all heaped upon each other were all better than good, however it was really that Saturday night that proved to be most transformative for me personally. I have always felt that  for whatever reason we just managed all this adoption reunion stuff and managed to avoid the pitfalls because of just the way we are. Being aware of so many possible issues, I have always been trying to look being the next corner or under the rug, so to speak, making sure that perhaps there weren’t some unknown issues waiting to derail us. Is he holding back some anger? Could he really be that OK with everything and not really be foggy? Does he avoid adoption realities and is denial in play perhaps for both of us; just willing all  relationship to look like it works while resentments of crap simmer?  See, sometimes too much knowledge can be NOT a good thing.

Yet, I have always just had the sense that we are just really good.  That he has always had a realistic sense and an acceptance, but much like myself, we know we can’t change nor dwell on the past, yet we rejoice for what we have now and in the future. And I have to say that based on many conversations and bits through the day that he DOES “see” much more of the adoption industry realities than I had thought and does talk about adoption stuff more often than I gave credit for  and yet is still really freaking well adjusted.

Can it be more than just a very proud and happy mother who thinks damn, I got the most well adjusted adoptee I around? Can I dare say that and feel Ok that its more than just my need to rationalize and justify my role or avoid possible guilt for making the initial choice/mistake? I have already noted the reoccurring theme of redemption in  the adoption process. In fact, Rye suggested it to me a while ago, rather gingerly I might add, and I could reply;  “Oh yes, honey. For sure there is redemption involved in my work. I already wrote a blog post on that!”

Is this the Mecca? The Famed Birthmother Peace of Mind?

What became clear to me over the visit was that I really harbored NO ill will or negative feelings at ALL in terms of my son’s adoption.  So while as I said in the earlier “disclaimer” I  know I will always carry the wound, and I wish I could change it, the fact is that I cannot  redo the paste and I think for the first time in my life, I am actually all right with that. Like seeing Max freely contribute bits about his adoptive family and effortlessly float from  his adoptive family to us, form using his adoptive name to Max, to being so open and real, nothing he said once about them was taken as an affront against me.

We were dancing and I was honestly surprised.  None of the other children have actually really danced with me. They don’t really dance. (Since then Garin has claimed that he does indeed dance, but I have not seen that in fact)  And so I exclaimed that I was so thrilled. Max was the favorite child that week just for dancing with me and he said; ”

“Well, you can thank the XX family for that. The men in the XX family, WE dance!”

And you know what?  I was actually thankful and happy that he was made to dance. It was real and genuine and it didn’t hurt me at all. And I guess someplace in the “birthmother” rules’ something like that is supposed to hurt my feelings of make me feel bad that *I* didn’t teach him to dance, but that’s not how I felt . And even more important, it felt GOOD to be happy with his life for no other reason but that HE IS happy with his life.

In Which I Declare to Adoption that I Won! It’s OVER!

At the Saturday night dance party, I sat back and watched him chat and laugh with Betsie Norris and I was relieved that he was  perfectly fine and didn’t need me to hold his hand. I sat back and delighted with many watching Max dance with the  Lost Daughters. I think I just kind of sat around beaming and telling everyone that I had basically died and gone to heaven like 6 times over that night. I’m guessing that I might have been a tad annoying. I’m not going to feel the slightest bit bad about that. Nope, I will not feel bad for my joy. I feel sad that not everyone can have this. But I guess the fact is that it IS possible. Again, I don’t know way we lucked out, but man, I am sure glad we did.

When Max left the party on Saturday night, I was literally shocked by the lack of feeling at all bad anymore.  I looked and there was just nothing left in me. I guess the dancing episode last week was somehow a preamble, but I can say to that younger me so much more strongly. We ARE Ok. It all worked out in the end despite adoption trying it’s best.

And I was stuck, while dancing, that indeed I had won. I was  having one of those moments when you KNOW you are having an epiphany RIGHT THERE so I stopped dancing and went to Facebook and typed out this status update at 11:52 pm:

I think I just sat there beaming and blinking back the tears of happiness in my eyes. I was literally mooning and again, probably annoying. I felt 100 time “lighter” immediately. I actually DO feel like it’s over. We have managed to break through the hold and restrictions that adoption has tried to put on our mother son relationship and it can’t do any more damage, Adoption, as a real threat to me and my son, is done. It’s over. It cannot hurt us anymore. The adoption industry might have tried and maybe it’s not the way I wish it had been, but that just doesn’t matter anymore because we are OK. Our connection is still there and we value it and it works.

I almost wonder if this is not that annoying “birthmother peace of mind” they keep yammering about. Of course,  I still  strongly dislike and will continue fight against the unethical adoption industry and for adoptee rights, but  people really better be careful with who they call bitter these days. I am so far away from bitter, I am  glowing with happiness. I am transcendent!

Or, it could have been the blessings of his namesake. I was reminded by my dear friend Lena’s comment ( which made me catch my breath and shed a tear), the word’s that I held so close 27 years ago as I readied for our separation:

“…And he sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and into the night of his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him. And it was still hot.”

Yes.

I won. I have four children. The oldest one was adopted at birth. I did not parent him. He has two mothers. He has two fathers. He has two sisters, He has three brothers. And it’s OK. We are still happy DESPITE the years adoption took away from us.

Adoption WILL NOT take any more. I declare we won!

Now let the wild rumpus start!