Adoptive Mom Lisa Vanderpump Struggles with Son’s Need to Know

While I don’t normally watch The Real Housewives of anyplace,  I did go over to Bravo and pull up the latest   of Season 5 Episode 12 “Drama Queens” as Carri told me that they were hitting on adoption issues.   Just to give you the background in case you also don’t find the show to be on your guilty pleasure list,  One of the housewives, Lisa Vanderpump, adopted her now 22 years old son, Max, from foster care. And in between some party prep and cat fights, there are two scenes in this episode dealing with Lisa and Max who is “suddenly” interested in doing DNA testing for his genetic heritage.

The description of this episode itself lays the ground work: “Lisa Vanderpump is surprised when adopted son Max decides he wants to take a DNA test to discover his heritage.” And Lisa begins to open up in the last episode as she speaks about her son: “He’s a different animal to Ken or I or Pandora if that is because we don’t share the same genes? I don’t know”

So there is a conversation between Lisa and Ken where they talk about Max’s request to do the genetic testing at 7:00 on the video.  To save you the bother of watching the cat fights, I have pulled all the  adoption related dialogue from the show:

Lisa to the Camera: Max came to me recently and  he said he was interested in finding about his heritage. It kind of threw me. The fact that he would ask me after 22 years. I’m not prepared for that”

Lisa talking to her husband Ken: He just came up with this

Lisa to the Camera I never wanted to overload Max with giving him too much information. So he’s asked me the odd thing, and I have answered it without offering any more.”

Lisa: If he said to me “I want to find my birthparents”?

Ken:  “How would you feel about that? Do you care?”

Lisa: Well of course I would care. But I have had the good parts, haven’t I? I mean nobody can take him form me now, right?

Lisa to the Camera: He once said to me when he was quite young, “Is there someone, somewhere, who is sad today on my birthday?” I said “I think they’re probably remembering that day, but that they should be happy to see the life you’re having now”

Lisa: What I don’t want is that he gets to  40 or something  and says’ I never looked for any of my birth family  because of how you felt.”

Lisa to the Camera: It’s probably every adoptive parents nightmare when suddenly their child questions. Because they might look at it like it’s a threat. And it’s not a threat.”

So ken says “Just do it” and Lisa says OK.

Lisa: That might be enough for him. He just might say ” Oh look Mom, I’m from here. And I’m, you know, I got a bit of this, European in me. I got that or whatever.”

Lisa: It’s my job as a mother not to stand in his way.”

Then, after more cat fights, we get back to the  adoption story line at 18:00. Now Max is comign over and talking o Lisa and Ken. After a bit of chit chat, they get to it:

Lisa: This swab test thing, you want to do it, right? With a bit of luck, he’s related to the Kennedy’s or somebody with loads of dough that you’re gonna to inherit a massive amount of money and you won’t have to bus tables anymore.

Lisa to the Camera: I don’t think there is any harm in Max finding out his heritage, but I suddenly have warning bells that maybe he wants to find the family.

Lisa: Fill in your name.

Max: What is it.

Lisa: What’s your real name?

Max: Yeah.

Lisa: What, You mean the name before I got you?

Max: Yeah, my last name.

Lisa: I’m not going to tell you that.

Max: Why?

Lisa:  Because I don’t want to.

Max: Well, just type it in, Mom, I won’t look.

Lisa: No, it’s not. I’m not gonna do that.

Ken: Why would it  need THAT name?

Lisa: Ok, I’m going to type it in, but don’t look.

Lisa to the Camera: Max was adopted from foster care. We met his birth parents, but in 22 years I have never even  utter the name that Max was born with because doesn’t that open up even more questions?

Max: Can you just do it please?

Lisa: I can’t.

Max: It’s fine, he says. It doesn’t mean anything I just want to know my heritage. I don’t care about them. . Just find out where they are form, what country they’re from. Moms, that’s all I want to know. I just want to know.

And then they joke about a bit. Ken makes us some outlandish heritage and Lisa finally types in the name in to Ancestry.

Lisa to the Camera: I don’t want to burden him with putting another identity in front of him when this is the only identity he’s known. For me, I would pretend that he was mine biologically. But I own him that, so it doesn’t matter what I feel.

Lisa talking to Max in  next weeks episode and upcoming scenes: If you met your birthmother tomorrow, how would you feel about her?

After watching this it’s is pretty clear to me that Lisa does have fears, but she also does acknowledge that she has to put them aside  and do what is best for her son. It’s pretty clear that she is stuggling, but want to do the right thing. She talks about a the  adoption issue a bit more on this post.

So here’s the thing. Granted this has already all been taped and has already happened, but it does provide a unique opportunity to perhaps reach out and provide some support from within the adoption community for both Lisa and Max.  I can image that even being “famous” and on this tv show, adoption is usually pretty isolating for all parties and I don’t see any of these housewives hitting the support groups on facebook. I can image that Lisa and Ken  have done what many adoptive have; they adopted, rejoiced in their child and never really looked back or even looked further into what adoption affects in the long term.

However, since these folks are on TV, they also have a unique ability to offer a real education and better information to the TV watching masses. And dare I say that as an famous adoptive mother with two reality  TV’s shows, I do feel there is also an obligation to be a better role model for other adoptive parents, kids and the public in general. The fact is that many folks do look up to the people on TV and will follow their lead and see their opinions as the “correct” way to view it.

And it is with that I that I would like to offer Lisa Vanderpump a bit of information that might help her.

My Open Letter to Lisa Vanderpump

Dear Lisa,

I will admit that I never have watched  your reality TV shows, but I did watch with great interest as you enter into helping Max with his genetic testing. And while I know you don’t know me  forma  hole in the wall and have no need to care about what I think, it is obvious that you  do love your son and want to what is best for him. So I offer you this information in the hopes that it will help you be an even better mother to Max and also, perhaps, will help alleviate some of your fears.

Please know that it is perfectly normal for Max, as an adopted person, to want to know his original identity.  This has no reflection upon you as a parent and if anything, the fact that he is coming to you at a young age, shows that he is comfortable and secure enough in his love for you. It is true that there are many adoptees who wait until they are older and do fear the reactions of their adoptive parents.  It is often  refers to as “adoptee loyalty” and, truthfully, it’s much healthier for an adoptee to be able to follow their own questions rather than fearing the reaction of the adoptive parents.

You are right when you said that it is not a threat and that you did have the “good parts”, but anyone can see that you are scared and it does hurt inside.  Please know that for most adoptees who do search, they report that even a full on adoption reunion, they feel closer and believe their relationships with their adoptive parents improve and are closer when they can share this searching  journey with them. So helping Max find out his truth is a good thing, really, for you both and it wonderful that you can walk this path with him.

Please consider allowing Max to have the information you have; his name, tell the story of meeting his birth parents. He is asking for it now in his way. I know you said it was “suddenly” and you were not really prepared, but again it is 100% normal for adoptees to wonder and desire to know their truth. There is a  quote I heard recently “All adoptees search – some in reality and some in their imaginations”.

The meaning that, even if he doesn’t say the words directly, he wonders about his other family and is thinking about them.  It’s not that he would have another identity, but he will not have an unknown identity which is what he has now.  He already is the child of you and Ken, but he is still the child of unknown parents and unknown bloodlines.   The other questions are there, just no one is speaking about them and you aren’t finding the answers. Knowing his truth will give him answers so that he can successfully blend all the parts of him into the whole.

All adoptees wonder and indeed, it seems to be just normal human nature to want to know.  I often liken it to scientists trying to find out the origins of us as a species;  we all desire to know where  we come from. It does affect who we know ourselves to be.

There are many wonderful  adoptees who speak and write on this subject. Perhaps it would be beneficial for both you and Max to look into what others think and feel so your feelings can be acknowledge and validated. Plus it’s great to know that you are in good company.  The adoption community is wide and vast, but we are, in some ways, a great big family. We certainly could use someone like you who can get the media attention to help in some of the struggles that adoptees face.  While I know you are personally struggling with your own feelings, it would be so wonderful to have someone like you as a spokesperson for the Adoptee Rights and discrimination issues.

I can only hope that, if Max does decide to search, that you can give him you complete approval and emotional support.   The fact is that while you have given him the perfect childhood,  there is, I am sure, another family that is wondering about him. And, truthfully, I have to tell you, my best guess is that they did miss him on his birthday. No matter what the circumstances, I have found that all birthmothers wonder about their children and the birthdays are especially hard for us. I also believe that it is good and healthy and normal for adoptees to know that their original families miss them. They are worthy of being missed and it’s pretty much impossible to “forget” about your baby.

Anyway, please find some support for you both as you go through this process and know that there are many in the adoption community who have walked the path successfully.  You have the ability to really affect  so many people by sharing this part of your story, but it could go either way. You could focus on the fears and give them more power or you can be the  a role model to every other mother who want to be the best mother for their child.   I hope you choose the later.

Sincerely,

Claud~

Another Mother to another boy also named Max