Anti-Adoption Insights was Flourishing

Watching Jordon go though her struggled to place or not really gathered together many, many people. The Adoption Insights spinoffs came out of their secret hiding place, as well as the ones left at Adoption Insights, plus a bevy of adoptive moms.

It really became the place to be on MSN adoption sights. Adoption Insights began to calm down for the most part as did MSN Adoption. This was not without some really good knock down drag out fights.

Managing Anti-Adoption Insights

While she was still pregnant, Jordon was overwhelmed at times by maintaining peace on the board and I offered to help her in any way I could. I was very surprised and honored that the next time I logged in I had Assistant Manager status.

While there were some really nasty battles between the warring factions of pro-adoption vs. the anti-adoption sentiments, there was some really good understanding and discussions too. At times it seemed that we could make the impossible work and have a board where everyone could co-exist and speak freely, respectfully, but freely. It was hard.

The days when all hell broke loose was always the days that I was away from the computer all day. Sometimes, I would come home to over 200 messages all form Anti-Adoption Insights in my mailbox. Half the posts would have already been deleted on the board, so I had to go back and figure out what caused all the ruckus to begin with. It was often a pain and I felt like I had 50 unruly children that would begin to bicker the minute my back was turned. I named myself the “MotherBoard” and sometimes called them out like children as to make them see how silly it all was.

The Adoption Wars

Of course, it wasn’t really silly. It was the really big emotional stuff that makes adoption the complicated sticky mess that it is. And really, if adoption was all sweet and nice, then there wouldn’t be all the support boards about, nor all the arguments, or all the inter-board wars. Sometimes, it was plays on wording that got folks all up in arms, sometimes it was all just perceived offensiveness, but often it was the heart and soul of the real issue and peoples willingness or unwillingness to believe it.

In any case, it worked out reasonably well until it all fell apart. I am not going to name names because those who were there know who it is, and if you weren’t then it really doesn’t matter, but two/three/four? of our constant adoptive moms from Anti-Adoption Insights ended up getting fed up with feeling defensive about their positions. And, in anger, they created Evil Adopters Haven on MSN to kind of mock the attitudes of the hard core anti-adoption folks on Anti-Adoption Insights. It got pretty ugly, pretty fast.

Lots of feeling were hurt, mine included, by their defection. People were banned for Anti-Adoption Insights. There was lots of accusations and lies and defensive positions. In general, the board was torn apart.

Now truthfully, I have seen this happen again and again. If you have a board made up of mostly adopters and the non adoption segment shows up in any force, then the adopters shut down and just complain that they have no voice. Course, my stance has always been that you can’t have a voice if you are just lurking. And if those who share the same views as you leave, well why are you getting made at the ones who stayed? But, that didn’t seem to make any headway. The majority of our adoptive parents left..not all, but a good portion.

Adoption Mistrust Online

Now at that point, there began a lot of mistrust. There were some really bad troll attacks about really personal stuff and people were sensitive, plus we as a core group, became aware of what might be happening on the closed private boards. There was concern that a considering potential mom who was hearing one side on Anti-Adoption Insights about why to parent her child, was then also on other closed boards where they were very much supported to place. Now I am one of those people who really likes to know what is going on at all times. I guess it could be seen as a control issue, but I don’t have to control..I just have to know. It was also frustrating that sometimes it felt that anything I said was automatically discounted because I was “one of those bitter anti people”..so the message got lost on those who needed to hear it. As much as I loved and adored Anti-Adoption Insights and felt it was and is needed, I was almost silent by my obvious connection to it. That’s not to make an excuse because my next action was, in internet content, a wrong one, but it was for the right reasons I felt. Again, not an excuse..just maybe understanding.

In any case, I made myself an alternate ID and became another natural mom and infiltrated a few closed private boards for a few months. It was something that a bunch of us thought was a good idea. The idea was to have this alternate “voice” in a very sympathetic way. Someone who stood up for all the reasons not to place ( secondary fertility, divorced adoptive parents, threats to close the adoption, life turning to the better immediately after placement, etc), but never to be overtly anti-adoption. She/I could say the same things and be an example of all those things, but not be viewed n the same way I was. I would love to say that it worked, but there wasn’t really an opportunity. And as much as it was highly fabricated, and believable, it was very hard to keep it straight in my mind and on my IDs..and eventually I outed myself by accident. That made quite a few people mad and it was again ugly. Not that I blame them. It was a failed experiment that really did screw up my credibility for a good while. I like to “forget” this part of the history.

Adoption Trolls and Faux Adoption Insights

Anti-Adoption Insights has had its share of bad trolls and nasty happenings. We had a whole sight dedicated to us once..”Faux Adoption Insights” I think. It was a vile nasty place that got shut down by MSN in a few days. There are a few people that I consider my “fans”. I don’t think any of them use their real names..which is funny because they like to use my alternate ID as a reason to call me Sybil, but they are doing the same. I figure that if I am making some people hate me that much then I must be a real threat somehow..or they really need to get a life!

Adoption Insights now has really tried to make a strong stance towards education and understanding with anyone being welcomed if they follow the guidelines. There is another sister sight Anti-Adoption Truth where the moms have no need to edit themselves. I think both places have value and a purpose. There is not as much confrontation anymore at Anti-Adoption Insights..which makes it a calmer place. I would love to see more activity, but it’s hard to get that without the confrontations. It’s hard to know where to draw the line.

I feel sad sometimes because in a certain sense, so many of the women I “knew” are gone. For a good long time, we were so very tight. But all I can do is still be here. I have known some really incredible wonderful women on these boards and for that I will always be grateful for each and every one of them. If it was not for these lives that have touched and shared with me, I would not have found Max. I’ll tell you that story later.

Continue reading…Getting Ready for Adoption Searches