Where the Swords of Snark Shine in the Light of Truth

I have a little bedtime story to tell you my friends. Some of you shared the moments leading up to this, actual, fairy tale ending a you had been participating during the creation of it. Many of you have a part in making it become a happy ending, and that’s why this story gets it own post.

Not to sound like a broken record, but we all know how I keep hemming and hawing on spreading the word, supporting our truths and using our voices. And sometimes, as you all know, it seems like we are beating our heads up against a brick wall. The battle for adoption truth can seem so vast and there always seems to be new people coming into AdoptionLand, fed by the pro adoption industry machine, repeating the tired and worn versions of adoption mythology. Over and over we have the same discussion, but just with new people, Yes, it gets old, Yes, it feels fruitless at times .Yes, it is easy to lose hope. Yes, we get tired. Yes, the desire to just shut up, crawl back away from the public sector, go home and hide; lick our wounds.

But I am here to be an AdoptionLand cheerleader. And I got my pom poms in hand for this one!

So our story begins on July 3rd. I woke up that hot Wednesday morning and did what I usually do. Demand my coffee brought up to me in bed and with Ipad in hand, I make my “rounds”;  Facebook, Twitter and then on to my emails. My email alerted me that there was a new comment on a rather old post here, from January 2006 to be exact, where I share the first bits of correspondence between a newly discovered and freshly contacted adopted Max.

And as I read this comment, I became rather heated and annoyed. So I made it my point that day to ensure that I responded to said comment made by “ChristinaT”. And then I posted the link on Facebook and  a bunch of us enjoyed getting all righteously pissed off. It was fun. So for clarity sake, and because this all fits in to the story, I shall post the 2009 line that got Christina going and then the rest. If you have been with me up to that point, please feel free to skip down, but don’t go! Our story is NOT over yet! And it’s worth it, I promise!

So once upon a time, our “heroine” (aka me) posted a blog post and there was a bit of a debate over, yawn, the  designation of the word “real” as in “real mother”. A few years later, our dear comrade in loss Dana, came in and responded to an old “Anonymous” with a sharp comment that was wise and fine and flew to its mark, but this is long enough tale, so essentially she said:

Anonymous? You’re not a real mother. There. I said it. Hate me. I don’t care.”

The arrow hit it’s mark. Dana’s comment sat there, sad and lonely for over 4 years, until the wee hours of the morn on this past Wednesday ( please note the WEDNESDAY part is important), where Christina felt compelled to bring this post back from the dark dungeons of forgotten posts. And this is what she said:

“I just came across this blog today and I realize this is an old post, but I feel I have to address Dana Seilhan’s post. I found it hurtful and disrespectful and couldn’t disagree more. Dana, you refer to adoptive parents as if all they do is have responsibility of a child, as if no feelings ever develop for said child just because they didn’t give birth to them, because it’s not “theirs”, so they don’t deserve to be called parents. There’s so much that’s just wrong and unfair with this argument. See, I happen to believe that the “true” parent is not the one who gives birth to someone, but rather the one(s) who raises the kid. As hard and emotional child birth that can be, it’s nothing, zero, nada, compared to raising a child to adulthood and taking care of their entire life after birth. In the cases of adoptees, it’s the adoptive parents who will stay up all night when the kid is sick, it’s them who will rush them to the ER when they fall and crack their head open, it’s them who will get the baby vomit on their new suit just as they are about to leave for work. Harsh as it may sound, the birth, biological, real – name it as you like – parent is not there at any of these moments. It’s the adoptive parents who will put their life and own needs on hold to give their child complete priority, it’s them who will sacrifice vacations to save for the kid’s college fund, it’s them who will fight back tears as their kid leaves for college, and it’s them who will be constantly worrying about their kid. And so so so much more. And if you think that’s out of a mere sense of responsibility and no love and genuine parental feelings are involved just because they didn’t happen to give birth to this person, then you have no clue about human nature, or you’re just too blinded by anger and guilt and refuse to see the truth. Human relationships and mutual love aren’t determined by blood alone, otherwise none of us would have any real friends who we love to death, neither would we be able to fall deeply in love with our spouses/life partners, simply because we are not related by blood. Please be more respectful and considerate and stop seeing everybody as your enemy because you had to go through a tough adoption situation in your own life. People aren’t out there to get you and you seem blinded by bitterness for something that – forced or not, manipulated or not – ultimately was your own choice. I can only pray for you to find your inner peace someday and to stop hating other people for your own woes.”

To wit, I bared my sword of snark and righteous anger to counteract the return of the ancient evil “real mothers wipe snot” dragon. And I said….

ChristinaT:

I am going to be a little more kind towards you that I am emotionally feeling like being after reading your comment simply because you state that you “just” came across my blog and felt compelled to comment. I am going to assume that you have not read here much and therefore do not understand the nature of Musings of the Lame. It is with that, I shall try to be most understanding, but forgive me if a bit of snark rues the day.

First off, this blog is NOT about pandering to the feelings of adoptive parents. I am sorry, but there are plenty of other places for that and this is not one of them. What there are not enough of are places that are dedicated solely to the feelings of birthmothers, the validity of our experiences and our intense feeling s of very real grief and loss due to the separation of our children through adoption. As this post clearly comes from the viewpoint of me, a birthmother, and the comments that follow are a discussion of the term “mother” and clearly defend the choice of using the word “mother” when applying to a birthmother, I would think that perhaps you got that sense.

There really isn’t a kind way of saying this, so I will just be truthful; I do not care if my blog offends or disrespects or hurts your feelings as an adoptive parent. While I do not go out of my way to be rude or hurt ANYONE ; I have a very open comment policy and this blog is a place for people to be truthful, honest and open about their feelings, I will ALWAYS defend the rights of the adoptee and the natural families to speak their truth OVER the voices of an adoptive parent in certain situations (which I will get to) as I deem fit. See, the way I see it; adoption is already enough about what the adoptive parents need or want and NOT enough about what is really best for the child./ Adoptee/ adult involved or the rights and wants and needs of the birth families, so your stuff comes last here. I know this might be a new concept based on the rest of your comment.

So now that I have that straight; I shall go on to your actual comment.

Dana is a member of the adoption community and someone I have “known” for quite a few years now. I support her right to say whatever SHE wants. As someone who openly says that they JUST found their way here, not only are you guilty of ignoring the very nature of this space, but also.. where do you get the right to go to someone else’s house for the first time and make the rules? This blog is my “home” and I get to make the rules here. How dare you tell another person how YOU think they should act when as the admin of this blog I clearly had no issue with a comment that was made in 2009? First off, Dana wasn’t TALKING to you, but addressing the previous Anonymous commenter. Second, why MUST she consider YOUR feelings when she would have no idea that you should come over 4 years later and be offended? Perhaps, I should come to your house and start telling you that the color of your living room (that you redid 4 years ago) is hurtful to my eyes and that I have called in a new painting crew for you? Ok.. it’s a lousy analogy, but I hope you get the point. Sorry, but that’s a just a huge internet social faux pas.

In addition, what Dana stated was true. A person has two sets of parents; they are the biological creators of that person and the terms for them are mother and father. Now the very nature of adoption creates another set of people who take on the legal responsibility of parenting. They then take on the societal roles and labels of mother and father. This change in legal responsibility ( which really is what adoption is in its legal sense) does NOT removed the genetic connection of the first mother and father. NOTHING does. And no matter how much these adoptive parents do, or how wonderful they are, or how much they love their kids (which NO ONE was arguing against.. I am beginning to wonder about your reading comprehension) ; the adoptive parents are still NOT and NEVER WILL BE genetically or biologically connected to their children. Sorry if that’s a tough nut to crack, but it’s a simple fact. The piece of paper does not remove or replace genetic ties; it just alters who has the right and responsibility to parent.

Now, I shall get to point that really has gotten under my skin:

“I happen to believe that the “true” parent is not the one who gives birth to someone, but rather the one(s) who raises the kid. As hard and emotional child birth that can be, it’s nothing, zero, nada, compared to raising a child to adulthood and taking care of their entire life after birth.”

And insert the glorified whining about changing diapers, staying up at night, wiping tears, and all that jazz that makes a real parent the one who parents.

Fuck you. No, I can’t cross it off. Fuck you.

How DARE you come to a birthmother blog and put down birthmothers! How dare you dismiss the act of giving birth. How dare you say that its “nothing, zero, nada” on a BIRTHMOTHER BLOG WHERE I have spent the last 8 YEARS of my life sharing that this “nothing” act of giving birth has been the single most life altering event of my life.

No, we are NOT the parents in these moments because we GAVE those moments away to someone like you.
You want to talk about putting a life and own needs on hold for the child? How about the fact that the birthmothers not only think they are putting the needs of THEIR child ahead of their own, but they also, more times than not, put the NEEDS of the adoptive parents before their own. I can’t tell you how many young mothers I know wanted to parent their children after birth, but didn’t want to “break the adoptive parents hearts” and so they went through with their “choice.”
SACRAFICE? You dare even try to say that birthmothers do not know the meaning of SACRAFICE? Lady, you really need to catch up on your reading. We are taught, expected, marketed and pressured to sacrifice our NATURAL motherhood, our joy, our very well being and often our future happiness.
Worry? And again, I realize I might be getting a bit harsh here, but you got me going now. Yes, the parents who have wanted, desired, prayed for, actively pursued and paid for the privilege of parenting DO, we hope as we were promised, worry about the well being of our children, but at least the adoptive parents have the ability to be reassured that their children are ok. Try being the mother who put the needs of everyone else first, sacrificed her own motherhood and then has nothing left but worry and wonder/ I cannot even begin to tell you the thousands of mothers I know who WORRY about their children DAILY and have for 10, 20, 35, 57 YEARS and have NO recourse to find out if their children still breath. You want to talk worry? Yeah, I worry when my son is home late form his friends house, but it is NOTHING like worrying if my child is still alive and well as I did for over 16 years.

I realize that I do not have the ability to alter your opinion. I know that your “beliefs’” are probably caused by your own feelings of inadequacies as a adoptive parent. I acknowledge that it actually must be very hard to know that no matter what you do, these unseen, unknown “birthparents” have a connection to your child that you love and you can never replicate it. But, damn woman.. coming to MY birthmother blog and spouting these tired, worn out, stupid arguments is just asking for me to spank you hard.

Furthermore, in the interest of internet and adoption etiquette, one does NOT dismiss another person’s opinion or feelings by assuming that “you’re just too blinded by anger and guilt and refuse to see the truth ” or “because you had to go through a tough adoption situation in your own life”. Again, Dana, was not only correct, but she wasn’t even speaking about HER personal situation though she let you know the circumstance), but simple facts. By assuming that she speaks out of “bitterness” all you are doing is finding ways to discount what she states because you do not agree. Attributing “hate” and “anger” and “your negative experience” is a rather old, worn out and tired way of putting your head in the sand so you don’t have to think about the validity of her statements. It is, ChristinaT, cowardly, short sighted, and a bad , bad idea. You want to see angry people? Try telling an adoptee that their feelings about THEIR adoption aren’t “right” because you believe otherwise and they are “coming from a bad experience”. Seriously.. I’m assuming you have adopted children? You should read more into how to deal with real adoptees…you’re cruising for some real adoptive parent blunders.

And because I am getting bored now being that I have had these conversations over and over for 12 years now with ignorant adoptive parents and I really do have other things to do with my day besides school you, don’t ever imply that the “choice” to relinquish is EVER REALLY a TRUE INFORMED CHOICE. I have MANY MANY blog posts already here on Musings of the Lame discussing it. I understand that perhaps researching here might not be your favorite thing to do in this world, but I recommend it. If you think women really “choose” to relinquish their babies, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn that you might want to buy. You have been sold a false bill of goods by the adoption industry, just like we all have. Just because you bought into it, doesn’t mean you have to parrot it.

Oh and in case you are angry and wondering why I get to tell you what to do when yelling at you for doing the same? It’s because it is MY BLOG!! Circle back to the beginning if it doesn’t make sense.

Now I’m going to drop this rather long comment here, but in case you did not subscribe to the comment feed and because I really feel, as mean and harsh I might have been, that you are probably either a new adoptive parent or just have not been exposed to such adoption truths before, I am going to send this to your email address as well just to ensure that you do see the error of your ways, even if not for your beliefs, but for the social blunders.

I shall pray for you to have an open heart, to have the ability to see the truth even if painful and for you to embrace the harsh views of adoption reality for the true betterment of the children. It IS supposed to be about them after all now.

And, to make sure that the final death blow was made and the head of the “real mothers wipe snot” Dragon was severed completely from the body of bullshit, I emailed Christina and said:

“I just wanted to let you know that I have replied to your comment on my blog. I wasn’t sure if you expected an reply or had subscribed to comments, but I wanted to let you know personally. I will tell you that it is rather harsh and I acknowledge that.  The reasons for that, whether you accept them or not, are explained in the comment. I don’t imagine that you will rather like it all very much, but…..I didn’t like what you had to say on my blog either and read it first thing this morning, so it rather colored my day.  In any case, while it is harsh, I will say that it is not a personal attack on you per se, as we do not know each other. But rather what you said, where and how it as said.”

You would think at this point that the Dragon would gather it’s strength and grow yet another viscous head . I expected to be counterattacked with a version of the “kissing boo boos” Monster, but  here, I will say, I was wrong.

You see, while I slept and while I sat around the fires of Facebook with my Adoption Army comrades and we sharpened our  swords, ChristinaT  was drinking from the fountain of truth. So this dragon, which was only in truth a dragon in training, she had yet to adopt and make a permanent change,  had turned into a creature of understanding!  And she shared her own words which were like a balm upon my war wounds!

“Now, I do admit I come from a completely different perspective and background. My husband and I are considering adoption as an option to build a family, though having biological children is of course something we’d love to see happen to us. So I found your blog while researching different adoption issues and in particular how a complicated family structure like this can work in real life (and whether it can, and whether it does ever work) even through an arrangement like open adoption which seems to be today’s trend and tends to be presented as a “lighter” version of adoption. So I found your blog seeking to make an informed decision on whether this is even something we should consider and I have to admit that your blog shed light to many of my doubts and unfortunately made me think harder about some of my worst fears about adoption that I had previously tried to down play in my head. So you are making me think twice about becoming an adoptive mom sometime in the future, so well done for that.”

And so. I sheath my sword of snark and  I replied  to her the same manner, offering up yet more fountains of adoption truth to drink from. This time, it was adoptee truth to drink; The Fountains of Lost Daughters, Adoptee Restoration, and Declassified Adoptee.

We paused to celebrate the Independence of our nation, and on Friday, she exchange words with me yet again, which brings us to the moral of the story and a well deserved happy ending:

“Thank you for your response. I will definitely be back in the blog to read more. The stories there and in other blogs are very eye opening and I will definitely look at the adoptee blogs you have recommended.

It is unfortunately assumed that, if a baby is put up for adoption by their mom, that they are generally unwanted (be it for financial, health, personal reasons or whatever). I suspect this is also a coping mechanism for adoptive parents (fed by adoption agencies??) to ease any guilt they may feel about taking another woman’s baby. Because really, who in their right mind would take someone else’s baby knowing positively that the baby was actually very much wanted (either all the way or at the very least after he/she was born and the motherly instinct kicked in) and that they are causing such a trauma in someone else’s life? Not to mention the adoptee themselves. But if the baby was not wanted, then it’s ok for them to take it and they can actually provide a better life etc. etc. That’s the general attitude which I’m sure you have come across about a million times so far.

As far as domestic adoption of infants itself is concerned, I am quickly coming to realize that, when so many people’s emotions come into play, the likelihood of all these people getting badly hurt for life is actually very high and very real. Like I said in my previous email, I am re-thinking adoption after reading many of yours and others’ blog posts.”

 So just in case, you have gotten lost in the webs of words; allow me please to reiterate the whole damn point of these almost 4000 words I have vomited:

“I am re-thinking adoption after reading many of yours and others’ blog posts.”

Did you hear that?

“I am re-thinking adoption after reading many of yours and others’ blog posts.”

In a matter of, may I say, THREE FUCKING  mere DAYS:

“I am re-thinking adoption after reading many of yours and others’ blog posts.”

Which brings me to one major correction: I am NOT the heroine of this story. We ALL are.

And the moral of this lovely tome which is not a fairy tale, but rather 100% true;
There is reason we go out again and again to the fields of battle. There is a reason why we bare the wounds of ignorance, we duck from the shrapnel of stereotypes, we arm ourselves with truth. There is a reason and we must continue to fight these battles, these skirmishes, every one of the encounters, these personal conflicts, every time anyone of us clash with a Dragon.. we press on, we gain ground…my friends, my comrades, we shall, one day, even if it is only one person at a time, we shall win.

So today, delight in knowing; Your words have meaning, your stories are valued and one more person has said:

“I am re-thinking adoption after reading many of yours and others’ blog posts.”

We will not all live happily ever after. Some wounds will never heal. But one day AdoptionLand shall cease to be a world onto itself, full of secrets and lies and it will be part of the lands of justice and logic The light of truth shall shine on again.

Have you seen my request for help? Get thee to Atlanta?