Where I Blundered and What to Do Next

I return from another Adoption Conference exhausted, yet thrilled once again to be in such a great company of motivate intelligent and inspiring people. The 2014 Adoption Initiative’s Conference was, as expected, a wonderful time seeing old friends, making new ones, and the joyfully meeting face to face of “internet” buddies and allies. Plus a whole lot of thinking and learning as expected.

I was honored this year to have been invited to attend and to speak on the “Birthparent Activist Panel” and while I did spend time thinking about what I had of value to say, I was really not worried too much about it. I didn’t have to think of some great message to send to fill up an hour of time. We were a panel and had questions to follow. There was a plan.  And so, I deep some deep breathing before it was our turn, asked just that I could be clear, not babble too much and hopefully be inspirational? Something? And then went ahead and did my thing.

Afterwards, I checked twitter for the first reviews. I was happy to see that some of the words I said were found to be worth Tweeting and then THRILLED beyond measure that JaeRan said:

Better than good enough for me. I breathed a sign of relief and went on with enjoying the conference.

Later on that day John Raible asked me if he could talk to me about my message and some friendly constructive criticism to help.  This was an offer that I was likewise honored to accept because while there might some folks who think I know exactly what I am doing, I don’t share that opinion of myself. John Raible has been doing this speaking and inspiring bit much longer than I have and I am pretty confident that he is way smarter than me too, so pointers and learning and the ability to improve are never anything that I find myself NOT in need of.  So I will admit to being a tab bit nervous to hear what John had to say, but thankful for the opportunity and we made plans to catch up on Saturday.

Luckily, John and I had a moment to catch up before that mornings keynote panels and the following Q&A sessions, because if John had not so graciously talked to me, I would have been completely clueless about some of the questions and statements. You see, apparently, there was some controversial aspects on the Birthparent Activism Panel. A few issues that, again, thankfully, were pointed out and discussed with me,  and I would like to take the time to discuss them here for several reasons:

1. It was a very educational experience for me and I like to share what I learn.
2. I DO need to own up and apologize for the blunder I DID make.
3. I think some of the controversy is based on perspective and not intention which can cause perhaps unneeded issues and less than positive feelings.
4. I actually do have a few legitimate questions and would love to  talk about it so mistakes do not happen again.

The Controversial Birthparent Panel and What was Seen as an Issue

So I can only go by what was told me so I am surely paraphrasing what I understand, however I shall do my best to explain it as best possible. My understanding is that there were three main issues, I guess first I need to explain the set up so you can understand the point of view and the criticism.

There were four of us on the panel. Judy Foster was the moderator, but was also partaking in the questions. Darrick Rizzo, myself and Carmen Caban were the other birthparents on the panel.  Now, Darrick and Carmen are black and Judy and I are white. I don’t say this because it was something I thought about before hand at all, I say this because the theme of the conference was Power, Privilege, Politics, and Class  and how issues such as power, and privilege, etc (race) falls and plays out in adoption. Hence, I know that the conference organizers did try to have a well rounded and balanced panel that included ALL voices, hence the mix. Darrick obviously, was also a birth father. Carmen had experience with CPS, Judy was old school BSE,  Darrick and I from the more “gentle” times of adoption “choice” etc.

So first, the Blunder.

A Bad Time to Say “Smoking Crack”

This one I have no trouble owning up to and I realize that those who winced at my choice of words had full right to do so.  I was explaining that I had relinquished because Adoption was the “solution” that would allow me to go forward in life as IF I hadn’t become a mother at 19 and the irony was amusing; here I was sitting there and talking about adoption. Certainly not what I was expecting nor what the industry had prepared me for. And I stated something along the lines that IF  someone had told me 26 years ago I would be sitting on a birthparent panel and the picture one finds when they Google the word “birthmother“, I would say that “they were smoking crack.”

Sitting next to Carmen. Who struggled with addiction to crack for 20 years. Yup. Not the best timing and NOT my finest choice of words.

What’s even worse is that I didn’t even notice it until John kindly pointed it out.

Yup, I am THAT “not sensitive.” Really. I even went so far as to apologize that “crack” might not have been the phrase to use in the late 80’s as I couldn’t remember exactly when crack became an epidemic.   Yes, THAT is what I was thinking about when I said that… that I might not have use the term “back in the day”.  So I feel like a real ass and I am very sorry. I don’t even have any defense except to say that that statement has been part of my vocabulary for what now is smart to say “too long” and I am seriously rethinking those words. I can’t say that they will roll off my lips anytime soon without thought.

So as I said, I can completely own up to this one. It was rude, thoughtless, careless, and quite inconsiderate.  I am self aware enough to know that I am not the most sensitive person at all. I often have my blinders on and charge right though without a thought.  Yet, I don’t TRY to trample anyone in the process, but this time I very well could have and for that I do apologize to all who heard my gaff and especially to Carmen and her daughter who was listening.

Onwards to the second choice of words.

The Stigma and Fear of the “Welfare Queen”

I also use “welfare queen” when I was speaking. Again, this was seen a poor choice of words used while sitting next to Carmen.  I get that, though I don’t think I said it right after she confessed to it. In fact, I don’t recall her mentioning welfare, but that’s neither here nor there. Truthfully, I am OK and I do feel I can defend against this one.

See, I purposely CHOOSE to put in the words “welfare queen” in my talk BECAUSE of the theme of the conference Power, Privilege, Politics, and Class. In fact, we, as a panel, were reminded to incorporate the theme of the conference in our answers. The first question we had was a “brief overview of our stories, including what was our state of mind/feelings when we relinquished.” And as I stated during the panel, I am tired of telling the whole story. That’s why I have my relinquishment story all written out and had intended to really just gloss over the facts, however again, I went into a bit of details so I COULD ADD IN the bit about the stereotype and class issues having to do with my “welfare queen” term.

Whether we like it or not, the threat of becoming a “welfare queen” in all the stereotypical horrors that it infers is seriously one of a major reasons why I did not parent my own baby. The thought of receiving social services that would allow me to keep my son was already an impossibility in my own mind due to the social stigmas of our society and beliefs that I accepted at that time.  The services and assistance available to me were presented to me in rather neutral terms as a passing glance, not a viable form of help and a possibly necessary means to avert an even more undesirable end – which would be relinquishment. It is a very strong memory I have sitting on the sofa with my “birthmother counselor” and her saying “Well, you know you can keep your baby; there are social services that you could apply for to help” and  my answer was NO! Avoiding social services was not by far the only reason I did relinquish, but I can say without a doubt, that 100% the idea of being permanently separated from my child for life  held more appeal than then thought of “becoming a welfare queen”.

I can’t change that. That is the reality of what happened. It is the reality of the world I was in back in 1987. It WAS the Reagan years and yes, the news was filled with the stories about the “welfare queens” who supposedly sat around all day long and had more babies just to collect more income. Everything that was wrong with society was their fault. That image, that fear, that stereotype, was and is a part of my  narrative.

Now, for the record , I certainly do NOT believe in the validity of the “welfare queen” now or even back them. I DO understand both the messaging that went into making up this mythological creature who lived off the poor hardworking tax payers and the value the story had to push various political agendas. I certainly do not hold it against anyone if they do, did, are, or will be on any form of public support. Hell, I really wish that I had decided to take my chances on public assistance rather than adoption, but I didn’t. I was 19 and I did fear “those people,” and I do not mean black people even if I did  grow up in an all white neighborhood, I mean the POOR.  The welfare queen might be assumed African American in the political stories of the 80’s and even in people’s minds now, but obviously I didn’t fear my skin turning colors. I would be poor white trash.

The problem is that I believed IF I went on social services, then I would never get off. So one I “lowered” myself to the ranks of poor white trash, forever I would be. Of course, I fight against this very assumption all the time in birthmother stereotyping now, but I didn’t know then what I know now. So, I relinquished instead.

That’s what I was trying to get across with that comment. Some people seems to have completely understood it and some folks just did not. The statement just rubbed them the wrong way and I get that. That was not my intention; so hopefully this explanation makes sense. I am sorry that I was not more clear. And should I chose to use this story again, I will make a point of being VERY clear, so I do appreciate knowing about the misunderstanding of my intent.

White Folks Controlling the Conversation

The third issue is that in the end, Judy and I ended up speaking more than Darrick and Carmen. I don’t say perceived to have spoken more, I will openly agree that people heard more from us. No question about that.

So the issue isn’t about the fact that we spoke more. We did. It’s non negotiable. The issue was that it was perceived that we spoke more because we were the two nice white middle class birthmothers and dominance was asserted over the two panelists who were not white. Even if it was subconsciously done (because we are above all nice, so we cannot actually be racists), it was seen as a perfect example, perhaps, of what the conference was suppose to be about preventing.

Now, I totally noticed that I spoke more and I especially noticed that I spoke way more than Carmen and even Darrick was quick and to the point. I, as expected, talked a lot, but it wasn’t an attempt to talk more than. I had note cards based on the questions proposed ahead of time. I tried to stick to the points I wanted to make as I had planned out. I had practiced a bit ahead of time mostly to ensure that I didn’t TRY to say too much as I always do. I am conscious of my tendency to babble and go off in tangents, then to repeat myself and forget my point! So I had my notes- the bullet points that I used during the panel – but I had also written out the long version of my answers to make sure that the timing was right and I wasn’t talking too fast. I’d rather edit and say less, but be clear.. ah, I digress.

As I explained to John, yes, I did notice that Judy and I spoke more and I was also surprised. I was very conscious of the time constraints because I know I tend to ramble, but I was not worried this time because there was a plan. Judy was extremely organized and we had a group call before to go over how to keep it fair. There were five questions and four of us. We were to be in alphabetical order and take turns answering first. We each had a four minute turn to answer each of the questions. Hence my notes and my practicing about timing. I knew I had four minutes and I used my four minutes. Heck, we had a timer on the table!

I, at first, also wondered why everyone didn’t use up the full time allowed like I had. Judy and I did seem rather even. Darrick did speak “less” overall I guess. I could see that, but I had actually attributed that to him being a better public speaker. To me, it just said that he was clear about his message. And Carmen, I knew and shared with John, had a very bad headache that seemed to really limit her participation. She said the lights were really bothering her and she didn’t feel well. She apologized and left right after the panel, so I had understood that was the reason. I felt bad that she hadn’t had a better time.

That part of the equation was not viable to anyone watching, so I can understand why the perception was different than what I knew.  Even John seemed to do a “ah ha” in understanding, but I was happy to explain and to likewise understand how it could have been seen differently though another lens. Agin I was really thankful that he had made a point to bring it up with me because it was nothing that I was at all aware of.

Missing the Lens, Failing to See

Now I don’t say that as an excuse. I’m actually kind of embarrassed to say that I am that I AM that obtuse that IF he hadn’t said anything to me, then I would have continued on being just fine and completely believing that nothing I had done or said had any possible negative connotations at all.  So even if the additional information does alter the public perception, the whole conversation was still extremely valuable in my eyes because it did give me pause to think. It also was a very needed heads up as the birthparent activist panel did come up in a few questions after the panels on Saturday morning.  Not that I had doubted what John had said to me at all, but the fact alone that at least two other folks mentioned it, really did bring home the facts that there were blunders and that people were affected. If I hadn’t been given the heads up and explained, then I would have been completely clueless and truly confused as to what people were talking about. Thankfully, I could understand and I was truly able to listen to what was said, rather that scratching my head.

Given the “crack” comment… followed with a “welfare queen” I can understand the perception that a self proclaimed “nice middle class girl from suburban Long Island” could have completely internalized exactly what we are calling attention to at the conference. I can see that others could rightfully view this as an example of class based micro aggressions. I can’t even disagree or defend it.  But what I can and did do was really think about it. I was kind of upset when it was clear that others were upset.  And it is my nature to try to understand what does bring up those emotional reactions and why, without RE-acting. So I thought about what I was feeling as I felt it.

There was a sense of responsibility; that I had hurt folks without meaning to and I do not like to be that person. There was, I admit, a tiny bit of frustration feeling that things had been assumed about me that were incorrect, but it was also mixed up with the fact that even IF not my intention, there was still a very real and valid perception. So my feelings weren’t a “waa waa poor me” and not at all a “I AM NOT a racist, how dare you!” variety, but “hmm…what did I do, even inadvertently, to contribute?”

I think it might have been the first time I actually felt what could be described as “white guilt’, though I am not exactly sure. I felt bad. I felt guilty. I am certainly white. So trying to understand what I was feeling and why lead me to think both about my privilege and how I think, or truthfully, don’t THINK about racism overall.

Now, I can say that I usually don’t talk too much about racism. It was my stance that as a pasty white chick, I have no right to really contribute to the conversations. I’m no WASP, but even as Irish-Italian & Spanish, non practicing failed Catholic, I understand I AM privileged. As a birthmother I do feel that my voice is marginalized. As a woman, I have experienced sexism. But I still am as white as it gets, so anything I think I might have experienced as “racism” pales in comparison to people who actually have lived in the face of such adversity every day of their lives.  I feel it’s rather insulting to even think I “know what it’s like”. I can say; I empathize, I understand, but because feel I have nothing of value to contribute, I stay silent and don’t talk about racism.

I do not question that we still live in a racist society and  I do not doubt for one second what others say.  But, of course, I am not the subject to it, so to me, it always seemed that my role, my job, so to speak, was  to be “not a racist” and to raise “not racist” children. I am fairly certain that I have done so successfully. I guess another “safe” role in these conversations would be to support and acknowledge the discussions and blight of our friends who DO have a right to both talk about racism and point it out because they are personally subjected to it.  I have that mastered, too.  I can listen and I do.  See, I know that I cannot start explaining how I am NOT a racist, because that will make me seem racists.  I know saying “I have black friends” isn’t cool and is actually what a “racist trying not to be a racist” will say.  I can be offended and I can “tsk tsk” FOR my friends that have had to live this. Now, for me it goes without saying that should I see any overt racism happening around me, I would call attention to it, but again, pasty white in a average more privileged existence, I don’t see it often. It always seemed like it was enough to BE the role model of what “not a racist” should be right? Lead by example.  And  I, of course, am above contributing to racism in any form, right?

Nope. This weekend, I did learn that I am certainly NOT above contributing even without meaning to. And maybe that does circle back to what I thought was the “right thing”. By NOT looking for racism (because I am not a racist, right?) then is that another version of colorblindness?

Admitting to My Own Color Blindness

I mean, when I really look at my own attitudes towards racism, then I am no different than the white adoptive parents who refuse to see the racism that their children experience because they are also “not racists.” Just because a person refuses to see it, doesn’t mean it is not there and, in this case, doesn’t mean that they can’t blunder into it. In fact the refusal to even think about the impact of my own words because I was so above it meant that I did, in reality, contribute. I can’t even say it is a silence that created my complicity, but a refusal to even consider the possibility that made it possible. And while my first reaction might be to think, “I can’t help it that I am white. But it’s not fair to hold that against me and assume I am being a racist. I didn’t MEAN it that way.”  I think the lesson is that I can’t just assume it is known what I do or do not mean; I have to make a point to LOOK for where things could be even CONSIDERED racially charged, and go above and beyond to ensure that the field has been cleared of all possibilities.

Support, I see now, is one thing, but my role was passive and hands off. If I am going to dare to walk the walk, then I have to be more active even if it means policing myself and looking for the ugly things I do not want to see. At least that is where I am heading. I will admit, I am not sure I still even have it all right, so I am open and welcome more discussion.

Which lead me a real question that I have and I would LOVE some feedback because if anything, once again, I have learned that I clearly do not always know what to do. So I ask.

So going back to the issue of speaking on the panel and that I DID notice that Darrick and Carmen spoke less. Granted, I did not SEE the racial component, but let’s pretend that this happens again and I DO notice how it could be perceived. I think, “Oh crap, my equally important black allies are not talking as much!” Except this time I am conscious of how to could be perceived and I am an active anti racists ally, Again, I am asking this most respectfully because I have been thinking about it and I do not know the answer: What should I have done? What should I do next time?

Like in this case it wasn’t a matter of it being all a free for all and I was taking advantage of the time and just talking more. The set up was very balanced and we were all to have equal time and opportunity to answer of questions, so I was going with that.  I was using my time as prescribed and my counterparts did not. What I am wondering is did I have a responsibility to limit my time speaking and leave out planned points in order to keep everything “even”. As I noticed that Carmen spoke less, should I edit myself to say less as well?  My inclination is to say that as we ALL did have the same four minutes to speak, I am not responsible for what others do or do not choose to do. Like I could easily say, “well, it’s not MY fault that we all had the same opportunity and others did not take advantage of it” but that’s kind of what I DID think and it DID come across in a way I would not like to repeat. The passive part of me wants to say it’s NOT my job, but with the more “active” aspect denoting taking some sort of action and understanding that not looking for even the perception can denote culpability, what would have been the right thing to do?

That’s what I would really like to know and so I offer up this question to the people I d consider experts here.; the folks that know this stuff because they do live it and talk about it and write about racism; what is it that I should have done?

And maybe there is no right answer this time? I don’t know. But rather than just follow my route of the past and saying I have no right to talk about racism at all, I’m  feeling the need to bring it into the light and say… THIS well meaning white chick needs some pointers on how to be a better ally.

In the meantime, to all that were there and to anyone who did see my actions as micro or even more macro aggressions, I am very sorry that I contributed to that in anyway. It truly was not my intention and I am not just going to try to do better, but I SHALL do better because I do care. So thank you for helping me learn. Thank you for speaking up. Thank you for pointing it out.  I am listening and willing to learn.