Restore Unrestricted Equal Access & No One Left Behind

One of the major problems in the adoption community is that there is lots of disagreement. After all, adoption is a very emotional subject and one that really incites deep passions and strong beliefs. I’m not even talking about the most obvious sides of the fence: adoptive parents desires to adopt children verses the birthparent loss verses what the adoptee might feel due to the decisions made by both.

I’m talking about the differences that separate players on the SAME SIDE OF THE FENCE; those who are working for open adoption records. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that as well need great passion to motivate us to attempt what often looks impossible: Restoring the civil rights of adopted persons and giving them access to their original birth certificates: the coveted OBC. It’s the how we get there and the tactics that make philosophical differences turn into divisions as big as the mid Atlantic rifts that drives me, well.. completely batty!

If you are new to this battle, it’s probably very confusing..especially the infighting. The recent Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Event at the HardRock Cafe in NYC was a perfect example of this.

Clean Adoptee Rights Bills Verses Dirty Bills

A Clean Adoptee Rights bill is a bill that gives the adult adopted person access to their original birth certificates in the same manner that any other non adopted person. They go to their country clerk’s office or whatever state agencies issues replacement birth certificates, they pay their fee of eight or twelve or whatever dollars and they get a birth certificate that was issued when they were born. NOT the amended birth certificate (ABC) that says that their adopted parents gave birth to them, the actual legal record of their birth. No one gets to give them permission, or deny them access, the adoptee is treated the same way as everyone else.

Most adoptee rights bills are introduced to the state legislations as CLEAN bills. I believe as a community, we can all agree to this: we all WANT CLEAN BILLS.

How an Adoptee Rights Bill gets “Dirty”

There are several ways an adoptee rights bill becomes less than clean, but the two most common ways are the “sandwich bills” and then “veto” bills.

Sandwich Adoptees: The Massachusetts Bills which then Governor Deval Patrick signed into law Sept. 6, 2007 is a great example of a BAD sandwich bill. ( note: there are NO GOOD Sandwich bills) It leaves out a whole population of adoptees OUT. How confusing and convoluted is this? In The commonwealth of Massachusetts, you may obtain an OBC IF you fit the criteria below:

• Adoptees who were born in Massachusetts on or before July 14, 1974.
• An adult child (18 years or older) of a deceased parent who was an adoptee born in Massachusetts on or before July 14, 1974.
• The parent or legal guardian of a child (under 18 years of age) whose deceased parent was an adoptee born in Massachusetts on or before July 14, 1974.
• The adoptive parent of a child (under 18 years of age) born in Massachusetts on or after January 1, 2008 on or after 1/1/2008
• Beginning January 1, 2026, an adult adoptee (18 years or older) who was born in Massachusetts on or after January 1, 2008.

Essentially, an adoptee born after July14, 1974 and before January 1, 2008 still has their OBC locked up. Max, born November 14, 1987 is still denied his OBC. As I like to say, even if we walked hand in hand to the county clerk’s office in Newton, we still cannot get his OBC with both our names on it.

Ohio has a lousy sandwich bill as well. Sandwich bills just make no sense and are awful. Lots of good people worked hard on the original MA bill and then, when it became the atrocity of a sandwich bill, they stopped supporting the bill and ended up calling for a veto of it.

Contact Vetoes: A good majority of Adoptee Rights bills do end up with “Contact Vetoes” or “Contact Preferences”. See, what happens when a bill goes to legislation, is that most legislators a) don’t understand the adoptions laws to begin with, b) don’t have firsthand experience with adoption c) believe many of the common myths regarding adoption and d) are really really worried that adoptees and birthparents finding each other will be somehow “messy”. Overall, they worry very much about the “poor hiding birthmother” who was promised or implied that her confidentiality would exist throughout all time. So, many bills get a contact veto or preference added because, and this is the important part; if they don’t then the legislators won’t pass the bills.

Yes, we KNOW this is mostly a completely unnecessary worry and we know that protecting the privacy of birthmothers is unneeded, unnecessary and not something mothers ( and fathers) want, need, desire, ask for, were promised or expected. In fact, the historical data for the US alone clearly shows us that less than 1% of mothers who relinquished use a contact veto.

Compromise in Adoptee Rights Bills

What the contact veto does is allow the supposed “poor frightened in hiding” birthparents to prevent the life ruining adoptees to contact them. Some, like the NY bill that includes a “contact preference”, which is nicer wording than “veto”, allows the birthparents to state HOW they would prefer to be contacted; directly though a confidential intermediary or not at all. The proposed NY bill, then allows medical information to be passed on to the adoptee without any identifying information.

Now granted, the adoptee whose parents of birth DO say no to contact are still denied the right to their original birth certificates, so their civil rights hinge on the decision of another and THAT is not so cool or true equal rights. If we look at the rates in which mothers do say NO and reject the advances of the adoptee, historically it is less than 1%, so therefore only 1% of adoptees will continue to be denied. The other 99% will be granted their OBC should they want to get it.

Many groups who are lobbying and working directly with legislators understand that in the halls of legislation, compromise is the name of politics. If these compromises of contact preferences, vetoes and still maintaining the “protection of birthmother privacy” do not get included in adoptee rights bills, then these bills, simply put WILL NOT PASS.

Leave No Adoptee Behind

Adoptee groups such as Bastard Nation do NOT support any bill that has any form of veto or preference clause in it and will call for those bills to be rallied against. This is a case where the choir gets divided: BN “leaves no one behind” even if it means that the other 99% get denied as well. I am of the personal opinion that a bill with a contact preference is OK and worth supporting. I am of the Dr. Spock school of thought: the good of the many outweigh the good of the few. I would rather see the 99% get their OBC. That’s ME and my opinion.

Equal Access for Birthmothers and Adoptees

There is also a strong division where the birthmothers of adoptees refuse to support adoptee rights bills because they do not include provisions to allow the biological parents to have access to the OBC either. The line of thinking, and I don’t disagree with this, is that the OBC is the legal documentation of both the ADOPTEES birth and the MOTHER as well. After all, Max’s OBC has MY name on it, too!

However, while I know bills like this have gotten passed in Canada, the US and Canada are years apart and I do believe that a bill with equal access for both mothers and adoptees will NOT get passed. The US is still too entrenched in birthmother mythology and fears us strongly. Plus, too many people in power, or their friends, are adoptive parents and, again, fear rues the day. So will this prevent me from supporting an adoptee ONLY bill? NO. Again, my opinion.. I believe as a mother, I need to do what I can to support my child and do what is best for him and that is restoring his civil rights. I can wait. After all, waiting is what us birthmoms have been taught to do best.

OBC verses Adoption Records

There is also some confusion over use of the words “adoption records” and “restore access to the OBC”. Again, many birthmothers do not support unrestricted access to ALL the ADOPTION and MEDICAL files surrounding the adoption and birth of their child. I can 100% understand this. I use the words “free adoption records” purely for Google’s organic searches. More people search for that term than OBC access.. I know, I know.. I mess people up because of Adoption and SEO all the time! I can completely understand that the things that adoption agencies, social workers, Catholic Charities and others wrote in our “permanent records” are not things that we might want our kids to see ESPCIALLY if they have never met us. Let’s face it, in adoption heyday, any unwed mother who was forced to relinquish was not looked on like a pillar of the community. Those parts belong to the birthmother’s story and is hers to tell. Plus, sharing medical information now falls under HIPPA regulations and gets very dicey.

I don’t really see this as an issue because we can’t even get our toe in the door with restoring access to the OBC; full access is throwing the doors wide open. Bottom line, the BEST way to go about the fight to open adoption records is to center it on pure OBC access restored to adoptees as a manner of civil rights. It keeps it simple. It keeps it clean. It keeps it non emotional. It keeps it about civil rights. It keeps on what we can all agree on. Consensus.

Period. End of story.

Working Together: We Can Do It

That’s my belief. I think we are strong enough. I think we are smart enough. I think I have met some of the most amazing and inspiring people while learning about adoption. And I think collectively, we could be an adoption army…if we could just figure out ways to come together. And the thing is, I think that if we did that, then eventually, sooner than later, ALL the things that EVERYONE wants would come to be.

Adoption Peeps: Force in Numbers

Facts, figures, polls, statistics, historical data, media coverage, and anecdotal evidence all support that allowing an adoptee to know about their true birth is not a bad thing. It’s not always a fabulous experience and sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s not for a government to paint an unknown fairy tale ending to people’s lives rather than let them know their truth.

I firmly believe that if we could push through the NJ & NY bills with the preferences, then those two states could prove to be the tipping point for much of the rest of the country. The legislators want to know what other states have done such things. NY and NJ would be impressive. I do feel like it’s very close and a few more states could really make it so much easier and once they all start passing legislations, it gets in vogue.

I don’t believe it would be hard to keep out the provisions that things such as medical records and agency files do not belong to the adoptee as they are pre birth; I don’t believe you can legally own something when you are not alive. I could be wrong there, but mothers as a voice should come together and remind legislation that we do have rights in this too, and we support adoptee rights. They need to hear that we are not hiding in fear. I think it’s a natural thing to write a legislator and saying” I am a birthmother and I support adoptees access to their OBC, but NOT the entire adoption file” and here’s why:

The way I look at it; if the greatest fear of the legislations is what would happen IF. What will happen if we allow adoptees to see their OBC and obtain their mother’s name. And then WHAT IF they go and find her and they talk to each other! That’s the fear. So, as the laws get passed, even with some compromises, and what they fear comes to pass and guess what.. nothing horrible happens.

How easy is it then to prove that nothing horrible would happen if I happen to own the same piece of paper. Forget that even, an unsealed normal birth certificate could be accessed by a parent. Plus, again, historical data backs this up. I want to say it was New South Whales that 10 years after restoring access to the OBC, they dumped the contact veto clauses entirely because they realized that no one needed them. So would access to the OBC for moms be much later than access for Adoptees? I don’t think so and even if I am wrong, I am willing to take that chance.

At that point, I think we will begin to see much more of the truths regarding adoption come to light. And that, in turn, would greatly assist in making sure that laws could get amended. Haven’t we just learned from Oregon that we need to keep our eyes on all the states? If they can be change one way, then bad laws can be cleaned up. Or my new favorite idea that came from Mirah; just repeal the old laws and reinstate what was before the “protection from illegitimacy” came into being. There, no one is left behind.

Yes, this will take time. But time is going to continue passing by whether 1% of adoptees are left waiting or if 100% of the adoptees are continually screwed.

How many good things can come out of the 99% percent and who are we to deny them? I’ll take something over nothing and then demand more. We don’t have to rest until there is truly no one left behind and all rights are restored, but first, in order to get there, we got to get moving. And as long as we are going in the same direction, I’ll hold your hand.

We don’t have to agree on the absolute, but as long as we see the same setting sun. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I don’t think one adoption movement or one group can encompass it all or ever will, nor should it. It’s like they all have different rolls to play. I know a bunch of people, including myself, have criticized the EBD because they are speaking FOR us and are frequently brought in as the “authorities” rather than the rest of us who live it. And I know that people also complain that Adam Pertman is an adoptive father and therefore has to right, but the fact is… they give us the “official” papers and research that supports what we say. In truth, they are there for us to USE them as resource, rather than thinking they are using us. The fact is; the legislators that have the power to vote on the laws like stats and studies.. they don’t want our tears most of the time. The EBD is trying to BE our voice, but give us the credibility that we need. The studies they do back us up. No, Adam did not make me drink any Kool-Aid!

It just should not be a competition between groups. So many hatchets that need to be buried. I swear, if we spent just as much time attacking the enemy rather than being wounded by others closest to us, then we could do such great things. If we support each other more and bickered less…..ah, I know.. eternally the optimist. And while I know not everyone will agree with me, I think that was the message at the Evan B Donaldson Institute Event in NYC; we can work together and make this happen.

We really could.

I have no complaint about the event. Jean Strauss had a wonderful short film showing the reactions of people getting their OBC for the very first time. It made me want to bawl.

Seeing Darryl McDaniels & Zara Phillips Adoptee Rights Video “I’m Legit” preformed live was cool. I did tape them both with my measly little camera, but these versions are better! (ETA: this is the offical released verion of the Jean Strauss film)

I couldn’t wait in the throws to get a picture with Darryl ( DMC) McDaniels, but I might have stuck a business card in his pocket explaining how we need his help in Texas for the Adoptee Rights Protest. And here’s where I formally invite the world and beg beg beg..COME TO TEXAS we need your VOICES!

Truthfully, the ONLY complaint I have about the NYC Adoption Event:

Where Was the Press?

In many ways we were all there for the same thing and we all got it ( to the degree of our own levels). It was a case of preaching to choir. For the most part, I don’t think many of the people in that room were the ones needing the education, but the press could have brought that message to the people who DO need to understand the issues. But, instead of saying how awful the EBD was for not getting enough press there…I’ll do one better and help for the next time. Why, you might ask?

Because we really DO need to work together and use all our strengths to make this happen..and so that’s what I am going to continue doing. I know not everyone will agree with me. It’s OK.. you don’t have to. And yes, I worry sometimes that I am so carefully balanced on the fence that the post is so far up my you know what that I cough splinters! But I can tell you, up here on the fence of ridiculous optimism, I can see clearly and I get a bird’s eye view. And sometimes, I just want to yell at everyone like you all are a bunch of my kids who are fighting because you all bored ( though I KNOW it’s not trivial like that) and DEMAND a group hug!

Now be nice to each other dammit! And let’s change some crappy laws!