AKA How to Piss Off a Claud
I haven’t felt the need to do this in a while. Usually, I don’t let other people’s comments get under my craw. After all, I have been online talking about adoption issues for ten years now and I had a rather thick skin to begin with. Rather than beat a person over the head with my beliefs, I would rather calmly state the facts as I know them to be true, consistently and without malice. I figure people can take it as they wish. You know, like a read at your own risk.
Anyway, I am breaking from that tradition today. You see, this week I wrote a post over at GIMH . It started as a post about Adoption Disruptions, but really is more of a commentary about my feelings of personal judgment in regards to being a birthmother. In it, I will admit, is a not so cloaked message about judgment in general.
And while there were a few comments to the post I wanted to answer, there was one in particular, I felt the need to write a book for. You know, when you read something and you just feel your heart beat a little bit faster. And your hands start to shake a wee bit. And immediate in your head you start a great mental debate with this person as if they really were standing inside your computer monitor and can hear what you have to say. Yeah, it was one of those. And so while I haven’t dedicated a whole post to a comment in a few years, this one earns it… at least to me.
So, if you wish to get the full gist of what you are about to read, meander on over to GIMH and read After the Horrifying Thoughts: Thinking about Adoption Disruptions.
So that’s what I had to say at first and then I will leave it up to you to find the one comment that I found so particularly inspiring tonight. I think it might be considered inflammatory if I posted it in its entirety, but I actually prefer to rip into a good juicy steak line by line. So let’s have at it. Maybe I am being harsh? You can decide for yourself, but here’s what I have to say in response:
I’m sorry that you had a negative experience placing your child for adoption. However, I believe you are a minority
Ok so right here, the fact that she feels the need to tell me that I am a minority obviously tells me a few things. 1) She is not very involved in the adoption community if she really thinks that unhappy birthmothers are the minority. I mean you either have to be really really deep in denial or just plain ignorant to go with “minority” . I do think that even the newest of prospective adoptive parent are somewhat open to hearing the truth about loss especially FROM a birthmother telling her own personal views. Immediately she dismisses anything I have to say by making it small and unimportant.
No, you are not sorry, Emily. Being sorry would mean that there is some human empathy and feelings attached and clearly there is not. If there was, then you would not dismiss my views and dismiss your own apology immediately by declaring my experience as a minority. Even if my negative feelings regarding the overall birthmother experience was not shared by.. oh I don’t know HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of MOTHERs, even if I didn’t clearly know way more unhappy birthmothers than the ones who write the glowing testimonials in every adoption agency’s full color brochure, even if didn’t I did not have a draw full of scientific research papers saying that Twelve out of Twelve Scientific Studies find that Relinquishing a Child to Adoption is Harmful to your Health! and not so much fun.. or how do we say it.. FUCKS US UP, it’s rather ballsy to pretty much dismiss one’s personal take because you declare they are only one of a few… here’s the insinuation….don’t have much to say about the subject that counts. See, even if that WAS the case, and it’s NOT because you are SO WRONG about the minority thing, it’s so rude to treat a person’s life experience as unimportant or to dismiss their pain. Thumbs down.
Shall we go on?
I think it’s a bit selfish to say that you should have “tried” to be a mother instead of giving up. Sounds a bit self-centered to me. No kid deserves to be experimented on.
Ok ,so we have already determined that this Emily commenter does not have a clue who I am or else she would probably know not to go this route. If she had bothered to do a tad bit of research before she made this heartfelt comment, then she would know my story and know that in truth, for me, if there was any way that the choice between relinquishment and parenting leaned selfish, it was towards relinquishment. I have always been very truthful and open that the way adoption was presented to me at the time, the “easier” thing was relinquishment. Placement was supposed to allow me to go forth with life “as if” I had never become a mother. To my mind, that meant parties, college, boyfriends, concerts and fun.. not sleepless nights, paying for diapers and all that jazz.
The whole experimenting thing is just ludicrous to me. I think she is trying to rationalize her desire to call me selfish. Grasping at straws, I believe, is the term? I mean really? What parents.. adoptive, young, old, natural, same sex.. actually KNOW what they are doing with a kid? ALL kids get experimented on! We still don’t live in a society where you have to pass a test before you can conceive or leave a hospital with a child. I know some people might think that is a bad thing, but for now, it is the way things are.
Well Emily, first off I have to say that I think you FAILED to see the whole purpose of this post which is pretty much about NOT judging other people for their choices. So after your false apology and then dismissal, you then go on to PASS JUDGEMENT! Oh, the irony! You don’t even know me and you declare me selfish and self centered.. which really are redundant terms anyway.
Now I have hit on the concept of judgment before. I’m not a fan.. something you clearly did not glean from the original post. We might even say it is a pet peeve of mine. The idea that we can judge a birthmother annoys me to no end. In fact, I hate the way women judge women overall especially in regards to motherhood.
And how is it that it is selfish to say trying for my child would have been better than giving up? I mean, don’t we still live in this worlds where we honor those who fight against all odds to do the right thing? Unless of course, you really feel that KEEPING my child would have been selfish because…..
Not that adoptive parents are perfect. ANYONE parenting a child is imperfect, but at least adoptive parents have an interview, when 15 years old can have sex!
AHA! Sounding like a disgruntle, possibly adoptive or wanna be adoptive parent. Or at least a person who resents that the 15 year old can just go off and have reckless SEX and be awarded with a baby while others must suffer thought the indignation of interviews!
Yeah, I wasn’t having that evil sex thing when I was 15, Emily. I was 18 when I got pregnant and using birth control. There is a reason they took the Sponge off the market.
To Mara, who says that adoptions should be rare: If we really care about children, then what we really need to do is start promoting birth control….
Now we have to ASSUME that Emily doesn’t’ agree that “adoptions should be rare”. I don’t know, am I the only one hearing her mocking tone in the writing? But in any case…
I’m all for promotion of birth control. I think that women should have the tools at hand that allow them to control their fertility and NOT be salves to the whims of their womb. I also happen to think abortions should be federally funded and available to women without prejudice and forced sonograms.
…and abstinence instead of attacking the adoption community, which is generally full of people who are trying to help kids who got into a situation they didn’t choose because someone had selfish sex.
Yeah.. where to start?
1) Numerous studies show that abstinence only policies do not work and are a waste of money. Newsflash, sex is normal and healthy and birth control fails and people make mistakes.
2) Attacking? I just went back to read the comment that implied the “attack” and it was about the adoption INDUSTRY, not the people, not the community, not adoptive parents. I love it when people make a general statement all about them. It’s not about you, Emily, unless you make it about you. I think they call that self centered?
3)Oh.. is THAT what people are doing when they adopt kids? They are just trying to HELP them! Wow.. I guess all the adoptive parent that I know that openly admit that they really wanted to be parents are just all humble and don’t want others to see how kind and selfless they are?
4) Sex = selfish. We have sex because we are selfish? OK. yeah.. I have sex because it feels good. Rye thinks it feels good too. Not to get all nasty, but I help him out, he helps me out and that’s a loving gesture. Most people, even those 15 year olds, do it for the same reasons even if it’s more immature and all. Human beings don’t just have sex to procreate. Our bodies are naturally evolved to ENJOY sex.. because it feels good. I had sex ONCE in order to TRY to make a baby. It worked, her name is Scarlett. So every other moment of pleasure except for that one time in May of 2000 was selfish? OK. Whatever.. you know what I say to that? If God only wanted us to have sex to make kids, then he would not have invented orgasms.There.. Bible tie in! Point for me!
And then we have….
Yes, there are bad apples in every industry, but to that I say, then stop having sex that creates kids you can’t take care of. THAT is the ultimate selfish act.
I *almost * don’t have anything to say about the bad apple comment because it is so benign and who are the “bad apples” Emily is referring to? But, when we look at the sentence structure, her answer to “bad apples” is stop having that bad selfish sex….So clearly the fault falls to the selfish birthparents, young parents, unwed folks, financially challenged who dare partake in the sex act! So if other people do the wrong thing in terms of adoption corruption or adoption disruption ( the original topic) it’s the fault of the people who had the sex in the first place! Right…..it’s my fault I had a bad experience.
Oh Emily, let me ask you this? Have you EVER had sex when you were.. unmarried, slightly tipsy, when you didn’t feel like it or just wanted to have sex and NOT make a baby..as in using birth control while having sex? If you even answered yes, the tiniest littlest bit..like barring a perfect virgin when you married 100% ready to give birth to all the children the good Lord bequeath you..then you have NO RIGHT to SAY ONE DAMN THING. And you know what..lif you are infertile ( and I mean this with no disrespect to ANYONE else in the same boat), then you should not be having sex at ALL since it CAN’T produce children and, therefore, is acted on for PURE PHYSICAL PLEASURE AND SELFISHNESS!
Emily, let me give you a hint. Next time, save your thoughtful comment and just copy and paste this:
Sorry You feel Sad Birthmother-tummy-mommy-breeder-womb-thing, but, It’s your Own Damn Fault for Spreading Your Legs in the First Place.
Don’t think it’s rude.. us birthmothers are so used to hearing it, it’s almost comical… and easier to dismiss you!
What a freaking awesome response to commenter Emily!
Well done, once again 🙂
Fantastic response Claud.
I left a reply to Emily at GIMH but I will no doubt be dismissed by her as an angry, bitter adoptee who is in the minority.
“You know, when you read something and you just feel your heart beat a little bit faster. And your hands start to shake a wee bit. And immediate in your head you start a great mental debate with this person as if they really were standing inside your computer monitor and can hear what you have to say.”…
This described my personal thoughts EXACTLY. I cannot believe Emily’s comment! For the record, I was 31, married 10 years, and raising three kids at home…AND ON BIRTH CONTROL. Sometimes it just happens. Not to get into the judgement passing thing myself, (but I just can’t resist), I really feel that people who are NOT birthparents should have nothing negative to say about them. I know this firsthand, as I too suffered from the ignorance of the stereotypes, until I became one.
I thank you for your amazing response, and for your blog in general. Great post!
Holy smokes. I commend you, Claude, for your incredible patience with people like this. You deserve this opportunity to smack this one down.
“I think it’s a bit selfish to say that you should have “tried” to be a mother instead of giving up. Sounds a bit self-centered to me. No kid deserves to be experimented on.”
I read a comment not long ago in which some jerk called women and men who surrender children to adoption “birth men and women,” and then went on to say that the labels “parent,” “mother” and “father” must be earned.
To her, and to Emily, I would say that I would be a whole lotta money that when their children arrived, they a) called themselves “mother” right out of the gate and b) didn’t look at adoption or their parenthood as any kind of experiment.
May Emily crawl back under the rock she lives under. Much love to you!!
Here here! And may I add in the spirit of Saturday Night Live, take that “Emily, you ignorant slut.”
Excellent response Claud. When I read that remark the other day, I was floored. I wanted SO badly to reply, but didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of saying I was just another bitter birth mom. This is so much better than anything I could have written in response to her hate.
YOU GO, CLAUDE! A thoughtful post about a thoughtless and clueless comment. I admire your restraint!
I don’t even know what to say, Claudia. I’m so glad you said it for all of us. And I am so sorry you had to.
Oh, and by the way, Emily, I’m not a “bitter birth mom.” I’m an adoptive mom. One who personally believes in abstinence before engagement/ marriage. (I know, I know, I’m a prude, y’all. And no, I don’t judge others.) Emily, I am APPALLED by your comment. It’s not acceptable to talk like that to anyone, ever.
Not to mention the fact that Claudia is one of the most awesome people I have ever met. Seriously. On the outside, she looks like… Claudia. And on the inside? Well, she is so filled with grace, peace and dignity, she reminds me of Audrey Hepburn.
“NO KID DESERVES TO BE EXPERIMENTED ON.”
Wow. The irony of that statement in relation to adoption is unbelievable.
Willful Ignorance at it’s best!
I came here from Tongu’s blog, and had already read your heartfelt and insightful post on GIMH. I’m an adoptive parent, and have lurked here from time to time (after this, I’m adding you to my permanent reads). I cringe every time that an adoptive parent thinks an expectant mother owes adoptive parents anything at all.
You handled this horrific comment with more grace and dignity than I ever could have if dealing with someone so crass. Thank you for calling “Emily” and those who share her disdain for other women to task.
I literally gasped out loud… As a therapist (who also works in adoption), I am pretty difficult to shock. I am so sorry. Someone needs to apologize for the inappropriateness of that attack.
So I had to click through when you wrote “stuck in my craw”. I just had to. And I’m glad I did.
And I echo what Tonngu Momma said. You are amazing Claud, and THANK YOU for posting this.
I also, kinda had had to laugh at your commenting policy about “if you’re mean, I might dedicate a whole post to you”. Maybe we should put that disclaimer on GIMH?
The important thing is not what ignorant people say. The important thing is that you have been through a terrible ordeal and you can’t get all those years back, but your son is now fully back in your life and has embraced you completely as his mom. That is all that counts and is testimony to all these people that they are wrong. If they were right, your son would have chosen his adoptive parents over you, and he didn’t.