Where Christian Talk Radio, Adoptoraptors and, you know*, a Birthmother Come Together

Last month, I posted about my upcoming Christian Radio interview with two Adoptive moms!   Can’t we see me, the loud birthmother being lead like a lamb to the slaughter?  Can you imagine my ducking and weaving the typical stereotypes, fending off words like “choice” and “tummy mommy“? How about throwing in some “following God’s path” or perhaps a Bible verse or two about Orphan Care? Sounds like an exercise in insanity, right?

Well, I knew it wouldn’t be, from the get go.

Who Are These Adoptive Mothers and Why am I Talking to Them?

The host of the show is Rebecca Vahle, the Adoption Liaison at Parker Adventist Hospital.  I won’t go off again in the many ways that she is a most excellent ally; the post leading up to this radio conversation / babble fest interview was that vehicle.

The other guest of Adoption perspectives, and the person who sent Rebecca to talk to me, is Lori Holden, whom will always be Lavender Luz to me.  Now, I have known Lori for over a decade now. We go way back to the early days when I was getting banned on sight at Adoption.com for daring to say that adoption relinquishment, gasp!, could cause pain and grief . She was a new adoptive parent. We were totally on opposite side so the proverbial adoption chasm divide continent fence and by anyone’s best estimate, we should hate each other and start to spit bullets on sight, right?  It should be a mighty AdoptionLand battle!

Yeah, we never DID that really too much at all. Why? I think because, OMG , we weren’t THAT different! Neither one of us completely understood where the other one was coming from, but we realized that it might be a good idea. So we talked..with a bunch of other people too.. a lot. And in between my all too constant bannings, incredible things began to happen.   Despite being told over and over (more ranting on that later) that I was “wasting my time” and “no one would ever listen” because “adoptoraptors  adopters ive parents don’t care at all about birthmothers”; we stopped being “adopters” and “birthmother” and we started to become, just, you know*,  people.

That’s What We Talked About on Christian Talk Radio: How to Listen and Come Together

If you want to start listening to the show, that would be cool because it is rather long. It went by really fast for us  and I think we could have easily chatted for another 3 hours. I’m going to continue on in a bit about how this crazy thing happened. You know*, like a bit of a rant. Come on, you can’t be surprised!

 

 

Oddly enough the other day I was looking for an old document and I came across a really old file of an exchange between myself and another mother who relinquished. I have this protective habit of saving the things that rather unnerve me, you know*, just in case. I had long forgotten about this, em, bat shit crazy rant, but upon finding it again, it gave me a rather fine chuckle.

Talking to My “Adopter Friends” Was  Basically Treason

I’m going to pull some choice bits to share. I’m not posting the whole thing for a few reasons. One being, I do NOT want to stir up an real nasty hornets’ nest. Also the spelling and grammar is just beyond even my frequent typos. The other thing is that it’s just repetitive, but you’ll definitely get the gist.

I had been the acting manager of “Anti-Adoption Insights” on MSN message boards at the time and I believed that all parties in adoption needed to talk together respectfully.  I don’t remember exactly what happened before this, probably just another typical battle where emotions got heated and people got offended, and I called for all to take a chill pill and try to be “nice”.  Anyway, my plea for people to be respectful produced these accusations. Some of them were said directly to me and others were said publicly about me.

• Your board has been and remains to be a haven for “happy birthmoms” and adopters.
• Your sickening hand holding and understanding of adopters has done nothing but damage the anti adoption movement.
• You are an insult to natural mothers everywhere and your board is full of adopters that have disrespected more natural mothers than I care to think of.
• You and your friends from adoption.com are only sending the message to adopters, that natural mothers are like lambs being lead to slaughter. That we will try and understand them and remain friendly even after they have committed their atrocities against us.
• You looking for adopters to change the face of adoption is as asinine as slaves looking for the slave holders to end slavery.
• You could never represent me or any other natural mother that is serious about anti adoption.
• Your making friends with and catering to adopters sets the anti adoption movement back years and hurts natural mothers.
• I don’t think we need to “reform and understand” adopters. That is pointless as their only goal is to steal our children, anyway they can.
• Adopters love a person they can walk all over or feel they have in their back pocket . A “compliant understanding birthmother” that is what Faux Claud has portrayed herself to be is.
• She is an adopters wet dream.
• I’m sure its a big joke among adopters that here is a so called anti adoption person who is so cool with them.
• I also believe that if she saw the real truth in what her child’s adopters were and are she’s probably kill herself with the guilt of what she’s done. She sugar coats adoption, all in order to maintain her sanity at the expense of natural mothers everywhere. Her cowardice on this issue in not admirable in my book.
• Its a shame and disgrace to natural mothers to watch this woman ass kiss adopters and try to make them feel welcome on her board and then come in here and comment because an adoptress wants someone else’s child.

Speaking Softly And Carrying A Big Stick

Of course, I responded…and I will include it in part, as it’s oddly not so very different than what I say now.   I took out bits that were very specific to the running of AAI because it was boring. And yes, I fixed a few spelling errors.

“I have remain fairly consistent in my approach from the get go. I am not a terribly confrontational person, nor I am into being all angry. That’s just my way.  It doesn’t mean I do not get angry, but I prefer to communicate in a fashion that makes it easy to see beyond my anger. There are those who feel and function much the way I do, and those who don’t. I am not going to tell people that they must do it my way. But I happen to feel that the less angry approach is WHAT GETS HEARD.  Please find a post from me where I am not speaking the truth of adoption loss and pain. What I want is for people to be able to hear us.  I want the adopters to be able to hear the pain, I want the adoptees to understand that they were not unwanted, I want the JoeSmo off the street to be able to say “wow, I never thought about that before….makes sense” as opposed to “Sorry, you have so much anger and pain. You need some therapy to get over your hard times. Not all adoptions are like that”

I, and other people, happen to think that speaking softly and carrying a big stick makes sense.  It’s ok with me if you don’t. Some people just can’t, some just won’t…and I am not judging either way..…..It is a public board, so 8000 adopters can read into our hearts and souls for all I care.  If it helps an adopter to be able to see that her child’s mother is in pain and does not “just get over it”, if it helps them to realize that their adopted child needs more than “love” to make it OK, if they can find it in their hearts to get over their insecurity at reunions, if they can find any empathy with me or anyone else at AAI  and carry that over to their child and their child’s mother..well then that is a good thing in my book. I don’t want them to think that their child’s “scary bitter angry birthmother” is a raging nut. Let them see a calm, concerned, hurting human being.  Someone they can identify with, someone they can relate too, someone who they don’t want to hurt.  …. That’s the way it works.

Yes, I go on Adoption.com and do the same thing. I got banned there more times than I could count and worked very hard to worm my way in. I WANT to be there for they do have the largest audience and if you  Goggle adoption, that’s where you go first.( ETA: I was not even trained in SEO then.. I forgot how just naturally excellent I was .. so in tune to search traffic! )  I speak there the same way I speak here..the same truths and I do not edit myself. There is more traffic and hence, more opportunity to do the same…..  But again, I make it very hard for them to just dismiss me with a wave of the hand. And that is my goal. .

I stand by body of work. I stand by my beliefs and convictions and the changes that I have seen happen. I will continue to make changes happen anyway I can. My way is not everyone’s way nor should it be. But it is the way I know works and I will continue to do so.  I will not sink so low as to rip another mother apart because her way is different. But I will not be afraid to walk my own path or be silenced with lies and jests.  Ask me questions.  Agree to disagree on methods, but don’t you dare question my motives.”

 And because, really, I find this all too funny now. There is more from the peanut gallery:

“…To flatter yourself by claiming you “speak softly and carry a big stick” is even more incredulous in my book. Sorry to inform you Claud but no one here thinks you have any impact on anti adoption nor are you thought of as carrying a big stick.
If you want to use slick metaphors how about comparing yourself to a wolf in sheep’s clothing who misleads natural mothers.
You’re an Adoption sellout who says whatever the adopters want to hear in order to please them and gain their acceptance and to keep your own sanity. You ” scare” no one as you claim that is an adopter but yet have chosen to defend them.
Your sick Claud and need help.
You are a phony and a fake. For you to even claim to “help” anyone is another on of your delusions of grandeur.
You come off as a nut that can’t decide which side she’s on.
Best advice to you is bow out gracefully and stop trying to play two ends against the middle.  Shame on you Claud! You’re a two faced Adoption Whore.”

That’s Crack Whore Birth Mother to YOU!

Obviously, I did not listen.  And here is why this is all rather amusing to me:

My horrible ” adopter friends”, like Lori, went on to.. OMG.. keep listening and talking.  Now, granted, she is still an adoptive mother, but I’m still a birthmother,  too. That’s the thing about adoption; it’s almost impossible to undo it.  Call me crazy, but I just do not think it is realistic to expect adoptive parents to  hand back over thier, say, 7 year olds, when they realize that adoption separation is painful. Truthfully, I don’t think that would be really all that emotionally healthy for the child either. And please do not take that the wrong way; in cases where the mother “changes her mind”; then I completely believe the adoptive parents have a moral and ethical requirement to return said child ASAP. When a father has NOT had his rights terminated legally (or at all) then, stop and give that baby back. When the adoptive parents  have completely failed in regards to abuse, then the natural family should be told and have claim. But, regular “normal” adoptive parents, who believed the hype just as much as I did and really ARE trying to do the best they can… let’s just say that I would not wish this pain upon my own worst enemy.

What I can hope and imagine is that if they “get it” then they might rethink some of the crap they have been telling themselves especially for the adoptive parents that have closed off promised open adoptions.  Or older parents could learn to be truly supportive of an adoption search and reunion. Or parents can learn to be understanding and acknowledge the very real losses that an adoptee faces. Or maybe they will understand and support the fight for OBC access. And all those things should actually be really “better” in some way for, you know*, the CHILD/ Adopted adult. Because, you know*, adoption is supposed to be about them!

And what do you know? Lori says the same things!! And she even wrote a book that you might see advertised there on my sidebar! It’s called the “The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption” and while we know that open adoption isn’t going to be the fixitall by any means, and avoiding adoption is usually best, a true open adoption is better than the other possibilities.

And, you know*, what’s REALLY crazy? There are a LOT of people that are listening to Lori.. well.. because she IS an adoptive parent.  She gets through a heck of a lot faster and probably better because she also is “one of them”, you know*, an ADOPT-O-RAPTOR.

Anyway, the  whole point I guess of sharing this ancient crap is I guess to be able to thumb my nose in the face of those who said I was wasting my time.  I felt I was on the right track then and I refused to back down.

And, while I am pretty sure my husband sees it is a personal flaw and annoying as hell , I really, really love being right.

Oh, and where is that crazy bat shit chick who ripped me a new one? I have no idea. But I’m still talking to my evil adopter friends, and I dare say, (getting out my pompoms now) it is NOT as impossible as it once was to be heard.

In fact, sometimes they even supply the soapbox. Enjoy our love fest.

*And please forgive the 700 times I said “you know”.

 

Have you seen my request for help? Get thee to Atlanta?