Agency Approved Adoption Updates

Along with the pictures, and there were quite a few, was a five plus page update from Max’s adoptive mother.
Overall, I tried to view it in a positive light, though there were a few “zingers’ in there that could have stung if I allowed myself that sensitivity. I am rather thick skinned unless people start yelling. All an all, I was touched that she wrote more than five pages. It was really a peek into his life, his personality, his interests..and in some parts she could have been describing his younger brother Garin..so close was certain personality traits. Even Garin noticed that when he read it.

When Adoptive Parents Control Adoption Reunions

The biggest thing about that letter was that they had decided not to tell him that I was in contact and asking about him.

Their reasoning was that he was “in a good place” and “didn’t ask all that much about me even when they brought it up”. OK. But she did see him being more interested later on in college and was glad that he would have “more to love”.

Truthfully, I didn’t know how to respond as I just couldn’t agree. I mean, I just can’t be all thankful and gushy for getting pictures and some bits of info about my own child. I know that is awful in some views, but I can’t feel privileged for something that should have always been mine..even if I was the dumb fool that let my motherhood slip away.

Plus, I couldn’t really get with the program of not telling him. Like I am sure that they had their reasons, but I am sure that they were THEIR reasons. And they were making the decision for a child that really could have made it for himself. There is a big difference in saying, “Hey, anything you feel like knowing about your birthmother?” and “Hey, guess what..your birthmother wrote to us and wants to get to know you”. I am of the belief that they did something of the former and were given he “not interested..’Nah, not really’ response”.

I also could not help but to almost mock the “in a good place” reasoning. So what, you don’t tell him that his mother wants to know about him now because he is doing well? So does that mean we wait until he is messing up? Or until he has a bad day? “Oh, sorry that your girlfriend went out with another guy and broke your heart, but we did get a letter from your natural mother”..and I saved a lot of cash on my car insurance with Geico too. Give me logic and truth please.

The Door is Shut by Adoptive Parents

Certain things..I just knew. Don’t ask me how I knew, but call it gut, call it maternal instincts, call it whatever, I just knew.

• I knew that they were perceiving “non interest” and yet that wasn’t the case.
• I knew my son would care and be interested, but didn’t feel that he could be interested.
• I knew that they probably could not see any signs of adoptee loyalty issues.
• And had probably not looked into adoptee issues and needs for years and years.
• I knew that they couldn’t, weren’t completely open on the subject for their own reasons really…they weren’t ready, they didn’t want to let me in yet.

Not in a bad, evil way..but just as a natural adopter mind set way. So even though I knew I should write back and say thanks, even though I knew it would be good to keep some form of neutral correspondence open, I couldn’t make myself do it. I couldn’t lie.

Adoption Secrets; Adoption Truth

I hated going though the agency and pretending that I didn’t know where they were. I hated the thought of having to pretend that their keeping my letter to Max was OK, yet I couldn’t see any good coming out of my saying..hey, that’s not so cool. Like IF they had told him and then he said Nah, I am not into it right now..then I could have been able to deal. But I had a big issue with them keeping the info from him. Why was it a secret? Why wait and try to control the telling? There was no right time, there was just the real time..that’s the truth.

And the truth was that I made contact with them NOW. Let’s be honest and open. That is reality.
So I sat back and did nothing. Waited some more. I pretty much believe that IF he asked about me, then they would let him know..so I spent more than a few nights trying to astral project myself into his sleeping brain..”Ask you mother about me”.

Didn’t know what else I could do.

Using MySpace for Adoption Searches

Meanwhile, or rather before I had gotten my letter and pictures, I had looked for Max on MySpace. Once I had his last name and town and high school it was no big deal to find other kids, his age, in his school, that knew him. My Space is a place for random hook ups and weird contact, so it was not freaky at all to send 30 kids from his HS the message, “Hey, you go to *****HS, I was wondering if you knew Gary G*****?” And low and behold, I got responses form a few.

I used them for confirming information. Like before I had confirmation from the agency that we had found him, I had asked this one kid if it was Max or his brother that was into Gymnastics. We had a picture of Joe, but were trying to confirm that it was not Max. So saying “I forget, was it him or his brother that was all about that gymnastics stuff?” provided that extra knowledge.

Before I got the photos, the agency had said that the folks reported that he was into playing tennis (Which he claims he hates and thought the rest of the family is into it, he refuses to partake) Anyway, we had a picture from the school web site of the tennis team. Out of all those kids the only one that kinda looked like he could have been born to me was, well..very large. So I wrote to one of the kids on MySpace, “I heard a rumor that he got all big? What’s with that?”..and that’ how I found out that there was no way he was the fat tennis kid.

Are You His Real Mother?

Kids are sometimes all too bright and while I went out of my way to be vague and not too interested, one of my “contacts” ended up asking outright “Are you his real mother?” Smart kid as I had probably only contacted him like four times at the most and really left no hints of any kind. I didn’t say who I was but I didn’t say who I wasn’t. Since by this time, I was waiting for an official update though the agency, I ended up telling the kid, Adam, the whole story in a very factual way including that I was waiting to hear back any time now. I didn’t want to tell him to keep it a secret nor did I feel comfortable asking him to be involved. He ended up talking it over with another mutual friend and they decided that they were not going to say anything and just leave it all alone. It was nice in one way as we were able to talk directly about the adoption. And I liked the fact that someone close to him knew who and where I was.

The other interesting part was this kid wasn’t even a super close pal or anything, but he knew enough that Max was adopted and figured out who I was. If casual acquaintances knew of his “real mother” then how “uninterested” was he really?

So from July onward to September when I got my update, I searched and waited, then from September on, I just waited some more. It was kind of assumed that I would not do anything on my part until he was 18. Again, I wasn’t really sure. His parents knew, the agency knew, and a few kids in his area knew, but he was still in the dark and I really had my hands tied. I kept up my random Googling of the family. I knew when Dad got a great new job and all. More pictures of gymnastic brother. I periodically peeked at the MySpace kids to see if he was listed on their friends list. Some girl who sat next to him in class was really interested in knowing who I was, but I could not entertain letting her know. She seemed too into drama wanting to know if I was an ex-girlfriend ..ha!

Waited some and waited some more.

Finding My Adopted Son; Google, MySpace and Social Media

And then April came around and MySpace had a new feature. You could look up kids by their school listing. So of course, I plugged in his High School. At this point, I had trouble understanding WHY this kid was NOT on MySpace when it seemed like half the world was on it. I went through 15 pages of kids that not only went to the same school. but I knew that half of them must have known him as they were the same age. It was frustrating beyond belief.

After finding tons of kids, but no sign of my own, I decided to see who the kids had listed on their friends list. After all, if you have 20 kids the same age as your own and they all are in the same grade at the same school, someone might mention him.

First Adoption Reunion Contact

I think it was the second kid that I looked at..and BOOM! I almost feel off my chair.

There he was.

He didn’t list his school and he listed his town as “Funkytown” which is why it never came up on my searches, but sure as day…my son.

He even had a few of the same pictures his sight was were given to me by his adoptive mother. My first response was to FREAK OUT..shaking, I immediately “ran” to AI, which means opening up another Explorer window as fast as possible and typing in a speedy post appropriately titled “OMG OMG OMG!!!”

Continue reading….to continue..the Search for Max