Something in the Air with Birthmoms?

Being a birthmother is definitely and added life complication. Granted no one gets a planned itinerary with life, but at least “normal” folks have some sort of role model. There is that generic-like “this is what you do in life” concept that is presented by popular culture. Like how it’s expected that you get cold feet before a wedding, or nervous before a job interview. Normal stuff.

Nothing Ever Normal About being a Birthmother

After living years without knowing if your child lives or dies, much less what their name is who they look like and anything else, reunion is so often seen as the great holy grail that removes all the former yucky stuff and makes it into a thing of the past. Live it long enough, however, and we learn that adoption can never really be in the past and it’s so the “gift” that keeps on giving. More new situations arise. New emotions develop. Still no road map and I doubt anyone is immune.

Now I’m not complaining. I know in many many ways, as far as adoption stories and birthmother statistics, I’m one of the lucky ones. Not only did I find my son, while he was still young, and he was good; he called me mom from that first perfect message. You can’t get much better than that. That’s like birthmother fantasy material.

In fact, really nothing bad ever really happened at all. But still… I hadn’t talked to him in almost two years. Reunions fears set in and time passed. The worry began to take hold and still, I did nothing. Ok, I did some stuff. I sent him emails to mail boxes that i just knew he had no idea what to log in with . I looked at his MySpace page ( not signed in for over 2 years), his Facebook page ( same 6 friends in two years, did Google searches on him and I knew..he was just offline and I was dealing with other adoption triggers and crap that needed my attention too. What I had left was an address ( afraid to mail something) the birthday card that I was afraid to mail, a phone number sitting in a long dead cell phone which I was convinced was long dead and…the fact that I was still friends with the ex girl friend on Facebook. But I didn’t want to put her in that position.

And so, it festered. People asked if I had a relationship with him and I would say yes. It felt like I was lying. I couldn’t decide if I was or not. After all, nothing bad happened so we had a relationship still. We hadn’t fought or broken up. We still had a relationship, but just hadn’t talked to each other in a while. Like over a year, An maybe that’s very bad if it’s a “normal” mother and child relationship, but this is adoption.. so what’s normal?

I would have doubts ; maybe he is not online because he is avoiding me, Maybe it’s a pull back. Maybe he IS angry. Maybe he is punishing me. Maybe I suck because I don’t send more cards more often .. (but really I SUCK at card.. the fact that i bought him one is as close as I get with just about anyone!) still, my guts said that nothing bad happened and it was all still ok, but we are both just lame.

Anyway, so I didn’t know it, but last night was the night for that all to be over!

First, I had a call from another momma friend who was in the very beginning of contacting her own 19 year old son. That was actually the other day, but I feel her excitement. I hear her and have her on my mind. It brings me back to the days that I lived through that insanity of searching.. the finding. the first contact…Maybe it just brought it close to the edge of my mind?

Crazy how as much pressure I put on myself to HAVE TO DO SOMEHTING, when it happens it’s just real and natural.

Sitting on Facebook, Caitlin posted an update mentioning ex-boyfriends and being obsessed with women curling and without thinking, I commented back something like “oh noo say it isn’t so” where she told me not to worry and then I said that I could not avoid worrying.. he’s been MIA for too long.

Not two seconds after that she was in my chat window asking me about it and we chatted for quite a bit.
Have I ever mentioned that it seems my sons really do have great taste in women and so far I really really love all their girlfriends? Is that normal? Yeah, Caitlin rocks.

I realized, as we talked that it was the first time that I had ever spoken about Max to someone who actually KNEW him.

Usually, when I talk about him I am the one who has the most information and honestly, that’s not much. As least not as much as mothers are supposed to know about their kids! It was great. It was heavy and mind blowing for that reason alone! And, she could tell me things that I never knew and had no place to ask.
Like yes, that my gut of him just being lousy at calling and emails is just that.. he is lousy. And no, none of the weird doubts had any real value. And, yes I am glad she had read the blog ( I wave!) and are we stalkers sitting here chatting about him, And, most importantly he was fine. And, even more importantly she knew a current working cell phone number.

Did I say that I loved her? I do.

I had her repeat the number to me twice. Its safely stored in my cell phone now. And just KNOWING that it would work.. I texted him.. immediately. No time to get neurotic. No time to doubt. No weirdness anymore.
“Do you ever check your email messages anymore? EVER?”

“no dude” I laugh. I know he has no idea that it’s me. I can have fun with this.

“I KNOW!” I write, but he does not respond. He is bored I think. He thinks I’m just some dude. I can’t think of anything witty to say. I don’t want to play anymore. So I text;

” So how is your mother ever supposed to know that you are alive?”

He knows now and my phone rings two seconds later.

ahhhhhhhhhh

And you know what? Everything is fine in it’s never gonna be normal why is adoption so weird but we’ll deal the best we can way. Like good fine excellent great.. pick up where we left off as if we didn’t leave off and resolve not to leave off again because it’s just stupid though it’s no one real fault. How is it that we are both so alike to let this happen, but not like that it happened but not really do anything but be happy and thrilled that it’s not happening anymore and just be cool? Coz we are. He tried to apologize for not getting in touch, but it’s not his fault when I could have done it too. I tried to explain how I became obsessed with the phone number not being real, and he told me how he had looked for my phone number again but had no idea what scribble of paper it was on. Like we are both worried that the other will be angry about what we know are lame excuses but neither of us really care!

Like I am just SO HAPPY that he’s just a pure spaz that is busy and self absorbed and loses phone numbers and makes and forgets email accounts all over the internet.

He used the same exact word that I have been saying for two years almost: He’s offline.

We did, however, have a serious talk about the beauty of Goggle. I told him that really, he needs to embrace his inner geek more and Google is his friend. Apparently he digs himself some Wikipedia, which is fine I love myself some Wiki, but I don’t get how you GET to Wiki without Google, you know? Like I need Google to tell me that Wiki has what I need! I explained how Google knew exactly where to find me and he could always ask Google. That he could put in “Claudia, adoption max” or any combination like that and Google would know. Actually I could honestly say to him that he could literally ask Google exactly where I was and Google would tell him, and then I just tried it myself and it works: “find my birth mother Claudia who place me her son max for adoption” brings you to the blog! Bingo!

Did I say how great it was? It was great. Yes, lets plan a visit. Yes, things are good. Yes, we all miss him. No more stupid lazys for us.

What I feel now is a great huge sense of relief. Of just being whole again. I didn’t know how tightly I was carrying this until I suddenly put it down. I didn’t know how tense it had made me inside until it was done and today, it feels again like the world is as it should be.

Almost as normal as it can be again in adoption and I know he is not lost again. Whew!

Oh and alos. the ability or non ability to ever do a cartwheel is also genetically passed on.  I cannot, have not, ever, completeld a half way decent cartwheel. Either has he. Poor Scarlett too.