I received an email from an adoptee the other day asking an adoption reunion question. I thought if one adoptee had this question, then others might as well, so I have received his permission to post it and my response to him.
An Adoptee Asks:
I am a male adoptee in my 30’s who searched after the birth of my first child . The parenting/ birth experience led me to reach out to my birth mother for the first time. It has been a very strange/interesting/confusing experience. I think that she very much feels the way you do as she has expressed her regret in giving us up, she told my mom that she felt somewhat pressured, etc.
My initial reason for seeking out my birth mother was that I wanted to let her know that I had had a great life, was loved by my family, and held no resentment towards her for giving me up for adoption. I’ve told her these things but they only seem to trigger sadness and regret with her. It’s to the point where I don’t know what to say because I don’t want to upset her.
I now sometimes feel like I should have never contacted her, as it seems to have thrown her life into a tailspin. I’m not sure if maybe she already was feeling that way or not, but to me it seems like meeting us has been very emotional and painful for her. My sister who is also an adoptee, has had a very positive experience reuniting with her birth mother. I guess i expected mine to be similar. My sister and her birth mother are able to talk to each other in a very normal way, discussing their feelings and just talking about their lives and laughing about the common things they share. In my case, those things trigger intense emotional reactions in my birth mother that I am not sure how to handle.Do you have any advice or feedback that could help me?
How to Handle Adoption Reunion Sadness?
I would say that it’s not the words you say that trigger sadness and regret in your mother, but it was the adoption experience and losing you that caused it to be there in their first place. So it’s not about you, but of course it is. I think the thing to remember is that there isn’t anything that you can do or say that will be able to “fix” that or negate her experience or feelings. And it’s NOT your job to fix her. You can’t. You are not responsible for her feelings. You have even less of a choice.. none.
Of course, you don’t want to make her feel badly, but the root of it is not what you say now.
From what I have seen, while is human and normal, it’s very hard to go into a reunion with any kind of expectations aside from hoping it will be the best that it can be. How your sister’s mom and your mom process the emotions and their own experiences are probably different due to the way they happened, how the rest of their live has been and just by their basic personalities.
Again, from what I have seen, the mothers who have held on to a more positive view of adoption..true or not..have an easier time in accepting a reunion at face value and just being content with anything. The moms who had a worse time initially, some force and pressure, can tend to hold onto the anger more and want more from the reunion because they know what they lost. And then, the mothers who did not have the opportunity to process the grief at the time of the relinquishment ( shush.. you are never to speak of this again.. just move on) and have buried it for years, have the whole range of emotions come rushing to a head during the reunion process; there is the grief, the sadness, the anger, the joy of reunion, sadness for years lost, etc.
So there is a chance that she isn’t JUST dealing with what she is feeling now with knowing you both again, but everything that she felt then. It CAN make one feel really crazy.
And again, the tailspin.. it’s NOT your fault. The adoption was there and even if she had it buried, the tailspin potential was there simmering under the surface. It IS healthier to go through it even if it sucks. I always say that my heart goes out to the people that enter a reunion, planned or not, with only their emotions as a guide. It’s just too much to handle and all too easy to be all over the place. No matter how painful it is, if she never felt anything and buried it all in some way, she would not be living authentically at all. And she would still have the same stuff inside and be wondering about you .. so don’t feel bad or responsible about finding her. It IS a good thing no matter what the outcome.
Does she know any other moms.. belong to any groups ..read some books…or have had the opportunity to talk to others who have similar stories? That’s really just so helpful. I know just from the emails that I get personally from other moms finding their way to the blog..that the one thing they say over and over is just that they so needed to understand what they feel is OK and normal for us.
I can tell you that many moms are just so worried about saying the wrong things that we are still afraid to open up and be real… the internal censor is on big time because we do not know what to do and are SO afraid of being sent away emotionally. Maybe this isn’t the case with her since you say she really reacts intensely, but that openness and honestly is a hard place to get to. I think it hard to trust the new relationship as permanent and get to that place.
For handling her emotions.. it’s hard for me to say without exactly knowing more of what she is saying or doing. I’m guessing that the tears and anguish are a lot..and again.. you can’t fix that and it’s not your job.
Guessing still. She is processing a lot and feeling stuff for the first time, so the best thing FOR her is to be allowed to experience the emotions as they come and to work through them.. that might not be the best thing FOR you. Sometimes, we have to make healthy boundaries.. it’s just hard to know where sometimes.
Like I now some moms have had to do that with the adoptee if there is a LOT of anger to them for the placement. You know.. like it’s OK for you to be angry but NOT Ok for you to talk to me like that. So if the emotions are directed TOWARDS you, then maybe a kind reminder that YOU had no control over what happened.
Really, the only thing that both of you have control over is what happens as you go forth.. and in that, you can only control your half. So sitting down with her and saying what you would like the relationship to be.. even using your sisters case as an example might help in giving her a model to strive for. OR make up basic guidelines with her so you have a framework to place the emotions. You can only tell her how YOU feel, but you can’t control how she will feel. And she probably needs to feel them…but saying something like “I noticed that you really upset when we talk about XYZ.. and I don’t like feeling that I made you feel upset and sad. It makes me feel responsible/ guilty/ whatever and them I am hesitant/ afraid to bring up XYZ again, but I want us to be able to be real and honest. I don’t want you to deny what you are feeling, but when you yell/ cry a lot I don’t know what to do. What do you think I can do to help you?”
Not that saying that will be magical of anything..but it’s a place to start.
The only other thing that I feel compelled to tell you… there is a hard paradox in adoption as a mom that I hope I can explain well enough. Like I AM happy that Max had a Good family, a good life etc. In reality, I would NEVER wish anything less for him. But there is that deep place where sometimes..OK, often.. I would want more of him. I would love to see him more. I would have accepted him moving here to be by us. Like I would take him back 110% in a heartbeat.. but he doesn’t need me like that.. because he DID have a good family..so I CAN be truthful enough to say that for ME, it would have been better if they sucked and he could walk away from them. Do I know that’s a completely selfish never to really be wished for feeling? Yes. Do I really WANT that to have had happen.. NO!!!! I only tell you this so you can maybe understand that by telling her that had a great life has that ability to produce that two fold effect. For whatever reason, I was able to process things and I can understand that and keep it as simply a healthy observation, but without any emotional work for clarity beforehand.. I think it can feel almost like a rejection by her.
Like another way of looking at it. Early on in my time online, I use to say that “I didn’t regret my decision” until my adoptee friends told me that to Max, that COULD mean that I didn’t regret missing his childhood etc. That acknowledging that I missed him was GOOD for him to hear. I’m guessing that on some level it might be the same way if reversed. Like I am sure that you are trying to explain to her your own truth ( which you have a full right to) and remove her possible feeling of guilt that she might have because it was a good experience for you, but maybe it ends up feeling like you don’t miss/need/ her. And then again, this is where it gets weird.. you can’t deny your own feelings and NOT be truthful., but then what if the truth does hurt her because of the way she interprets it?
The best overall advice I can give is that both you and her should be talking/ reading other experiences from other moms and adoptees. And then to just be as open and honest as possible with everything. Like downright ask her if it hurts her to hear you say XYZ..
Of course, takes this all and play it through your own filter. Reject what doesn’t make sense since I am assuming a lot without knowing more and knowing her at all. I think it’s really commendable that you care to reach out in understanding. So many would just say “wow this is too much.. she’s nuts” and go away which is one reason why so many reunions do go south. Of course, sometimes the boundaries and distance are necessary as adoption CAN really damage people. So again, getting her to a place where there are other moms..even reading a book or two is ALWAYS a good direction to go it.
I hope things work out for you all. And again, feel free to ask more..
I wish you could explain some of my mom’s behavior towards me. I found her almost 2 years ago. We saw each other a lot at first. Then she started sending me mean texts, called me “little miss f***ing know it all”. It got worse. She sent me a bizarre art project made up of cut up emails she glued onto a paper garbage bag and decorated. All terrible things about what a horrible, angry disturbed person I am. It gave me chills. I know she has mental problems. She was severely abused as a child and says my father (who she was married to) convinced her I would have a terrible life if she kept me. Dad says they were both self destructive drug addicts who were unable to care for me. She tried to commit suicide after relinquishing. She had a son 5 years later with another man who was kept. My father’s family has not been welcoming to me, and Mom says she will never take my side against my father’s family. My parents faked my death so they could give me away without their parents interference. Mom gave birth in secret. She cared for me in the hospital for 5 days, then Dad came and picked us up and took me to the agency, where they left me. Mom was described as “weeping” during the whole relinquishment process. Dad’s family was the “best” in town, and Mom’s was the worst. Mom’s mom was a neglectful barfly who let men in the house to hurt her children. Mom is also half black. I don’t know why she hates me so much. She says I choose to be a victim and I need help. Can you explain the hatred she has for me? She blames me for everything that ever happened to her, even her childhood abuse. She says I give her nightmares. She cut off her sister because she defended me.
Michele,
Every time I learn something about your story it makes me so sad. It seems like you were born to two very messed up people. Being married when they gave you up probably adds an extra layer of guilt. But none of this is your fault. Not the adoption, not how your mother treats you, nothing, nada, zippo, zilch. I hope you can keep the door open with your natural mother but don’t allow yourself to tolerate abuse.
I am almost 8 months into a reunion with my son. I was the one who searched and hoped that at the very least I would find out if he was alive, and at the MOST I thought maybe I could see him one time (relinquished in 1976, closed adoption, forced into it by my parents).
What I found, only 19 days after beginning the search, was one very excited individual. He has been nothing but loving, open, accepting and completely willing to accept me and his 3 sisters into his life (his B dad passed away in 2005). We are, as he puts it, his “family”. Did he have a good life? Yes. Was his situation good? Yes. Was he loved? Yes. Does he love me? Yes. Do I love him? Absolutely. Sounds perfectly beautiful, doesn’t it? We live 30 minutes from each other, speak or text almost daily and see each other at the very least every other week. I should be on cloud nine, right?
Well, ok I am. But still, this has been one of the roughest things I have ever dealt with. My depression over this has reached new lows. Women from that era were told never to think/speak/discuss this “incident” again. Our children would forget us – they were going to a much better place. We would forget them. We would have other children. In time, we would forget it ever happened. Pardon me, but bullshit. I kept this hidden and to myself for 35 years. Suddenly spilling my guts out to all who know me was about the hardest thing I have ever done. And you know what? You would think people would be supportive, but they love to still put me in my place as “just a birthmother” – including my own family. Was his situation better than had he been with me? Not necessarily – and that really hurts. I could have done this. I could have raised him. I missed his entire life up to the age of 35 because of this. I have been angry and grieved myself into a 20 pound weight loss. And, I was not prepared for HIS anger at the situation. He can’t understand how all this played out and WHY. He says he missed me as much as I missed him. We have had some very interesting conversations about this whole thing.
My point is – it’s just tough. Trying to spend most of my life putting this out of my mind and then all of sudden opening it up is like a huge gaping wound that never healed. You are forced to deal with all of these feelings that you tried so hard to put out of your mind. And so does he. It’s like my life stopped at 17 and suddenly started again at 53. MY life was taken from me because of this, not just his. MY pain was unrecognized and well hidden, and then it all came tumbling out. And sadly, I still lost my motherhood. And you never get it back.
I’m very lucky, I do admit it. I would not change one day of our reunion no matter how painful. We have chosen to move forward and try as best we can not to look back. Unfortunately, I don’t think a lot of women can do that. I cannot tell you in words how much being coerced and rejected by own family hurt my sense of self. Watching that nurse carry that beautiful baby past me in the delivery room, never to hold or touch him until 35 years later damn near destroyed me. All of those things are relived again when you enter reunion. I often say, even in support groups, “reunions are not for wimps.”
Yes, I’m in 2 support groups and seeing a therapist. You have to work at this. My best advice is give it time. You can’t help what triggers her emotions. You can, however, make it know that you care for her (if you in fact, do). Tell her often. See her often if you can. Just be there. It makes all the difference in her world, I guarantee it. And please, always be honest. She will respect you for that. Best of luck to you both.
I first want to say to the 30 year old that searched. To tell a mom that you had a good life and don’t blame her is a slap in the face. She loved you every minute. Now she is glad you “had a good life” but yet you bring up “blame” which is exactly how baby thieves were able to take you away from her: “BLAME” false – life murdering “BLAME” the word blame should never be used. Especially from a son to a mother who was soul murdered so you could have this “Better life” which you just told her you are happy that she soul died because you did get “this better life”, and only secondly thought to mention a BLAME word to her. Exactly what every mom wants to know is on her son’s mind.
Secondly to the gal that was surrendered by her mom’s father. WHAT father does that to his daughter? That is not a good person. And your mother has suffered all her life because something that HORRIFIC seemed like a good family to you.. Please tell your mother you are sorry that she suffered so much. That story is NO WAY NEAR NORMAL! much less good.
When an adoptee says to his first mother “You made the right choice. I had a good life” it is NOT a slap in the face. All s/he is saying is don’t feel guilty. We are not saying “I am so glad you didn’t raise me. I was so much better off without you”. That may be what you are hearing but just as first mothers want adoptees to have an understanding of what happened to them, first mothers need to understand where adoptees are coming from, too.
Okay don’t read that mean but how this sounds to a mom that longed deeply for her son for 30 years! I try to tell young girls now that while you are pregnant and saying you will surrender is the only time you are considered moral, forever after people say cruel things because they don’t want to think about the intense amount of pain of losing a child. She of course wanted him to have a good life. But try to talk about your hopes and some the great life experiences she missed. yes it’s painful and so much more so to never get to know. especially a great son as this.
oh and please read the girls that went away. the intense amount of false information. and many many many times the girls were told if they didn’t surrender their baby would be taken. that’s not a choice. in the baby scoop era, girls were punished as much as possible for being pregnant against their peers wishes.
Sorry if you misunderstood, that man was MY father, my mother’s husband. He convinced her I would have a terrible life. After they gave me up they had the marriage annulled. Mom ended up with no baby and no husband or support. She aborted her first baby at my Dad’s request when she was 15 or 16. When she got pregnant the second time he married her and they planned to raise me, then suddenly Dad changed his mind. Dad told me it was because they were into heroin and sex with multiple partners and Mom wanted to continue that lifestyle after I was born. Mom says she doesn’t know why Dad changed his mind. I feel angry because Mom was married, and could have gotten support. They lied to their parents so no one would object to my relinquishment. They moved out of town and hid my birth from their families. My father’s family had a large house with land and money. But still I was given up. And Mom is cruel. I can’t talk to her anymore. She told me to leave her alone for awhile. I called her and told her I missed talking to her and she said, “yeah, you probably miss saying mean things to me”. One time she screamed at me on the phone that I was sick. I begged her to stop screaming at me and she hung up.
I wish we could have a relationship, but I think that’s not possible anymore. I don’t want to be the person who gives my mother nightmares. She deserves some peace, and I’m not the one who can give it to her.
Sorry, just a little more. I am not happy I was adopted. I never was. I missed my mother every day of my life. When I met her it was a dream come true. We look so much alike. I love looking at her. I told her I loved her all the time. That was what offended her most. Me saying “I love you” made her so angry. I cried and she told me, “you can cry if you want, but I’m not gonna”.She told her kept son I was probably a stalker. She expressed fear that I would harm her several times.
I’m so sorry about this. One thing I have learned as a natural mother – I am responsible for bringing my son into the world. I owe him whatever knowledge I can give him and answer any question that he has – even if at times it is painful for me. Cuz – it ain’t about me. I wish more moms understood that.
I am sorry, there is a lot of hurt in adoption (more than anyone can imagine) but I would guess that your mother was abused for crying. (sounds like your dad was @#$@#$ to hear her cry and still go through with the surrender) you are both hurt and you are quite wise to know that you are not the person who can help her. try not to walk too far away, the close things that she had with you are still there. when she has help with her troubles she will be glad you stayed.
“it ain’t about me. I wish more moms understood that.”
Yes, it IS about us, too. I wish more people understood that. Without US there would be no them. How do we not matter in the equation? We (and our children) lost while everyone else gained.
I think this where so much of the problem lies in adoption and reunion, that natural mothers don’t matter; that it is all about the adoptee and the adoptive parents. I reject that notion, wholeheartedly. Yes, our children matter first and foremost, but we do too. We are not subhuman, with no right to have our own needs and feelings.
It depends on what was said to her when you met her. If she felt the blame in any way about the adoption she’s going to fight back…many years throughout it all, never think for a minute that she didn’t already beat herself up over it. While beating herself up over it, most of her life has been ruined in many ways.. When the adoptee comes along, nothing could be worse than the adoptee wanting to remind her of the mistakes she made.. shes already doing that to herself, she don’t need to hear about it or be told that the adoptee either had a good life, nor a bad life. And especially never talk about the adoptive parents in a good way.. no matter if they were good or bad..the BirthMother don’t want to hear about it either way.
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“it ain’t about me. I wish more moms understood that.”
It is about both the first mother and the adoptee. And I think that we both owe each other answers and information. If a first mother was forced to give her child up then it is unfairly adding insult to injury when an adoptee denies her first mother any contact. Just as first parents should not be allowed to hide in the closet and deny their relinquised child any contact either.
Perhaps I chose my words poorly. What I meant when I said “It ain’t about me” is that since I chose to open that door through searching, I had to be prepared to let him know everything he wanted to know about his situation, if he wanted to know. I feel as a mother, I owe him that. To open that door, then try to keep any truths from him is just stupid. Yes, the entire situation as a whole is about me and him, but when I am the one choosing to open the door, I owe him any info I have.
And, to the other anonymous, I didn’t say anything about the adoptive parents. You brought that up. And I also think I made it quite clear in my original statement that my son has been incredible – not selfish, very open and honest and loving. Why should I be any different? When I deal with any of my kids, and I have four, I try to be honest and forthright. Because, in these relationships, whether it is with my son or one of my daughters, I am the “adult” and they are the “kid” – even if they are well past the age of childhood (if they actually seek guidance – if not, it’s their deal and I try to stay out of it!). So, as an answer to the original question, moms caused the child to be and I still stand firm that they deserve the most we have to give. If a natural mom can’t deal with the situation, she needs to seek help. Remaining a victim after decades serves noone.
I, for one, am no victim. I an an open adoption fraud “SURVIVOR”. Thanks.
All I know is I lost my mother and whole family, and it wasn’t my doing. I think my mother hates me for causing her pain. The worst thing I ever did was to be born. I wish she had aborted me too. I’ve never had a mother and I never will. I knew that from the time I was a little girl. Reunion just gave me false hope. I have to go back to the words I used to chant as a child when I felt adoption pain, “Family is for other people, but not for me”.
I am certainly glad that you weren’t aborted. I always appreciate reading your commentary about adoption. We are the same generation and are like kindred souls going through this crummy adoption journey. I guess for now you will just have to accept that your husband and your kids are what constitutes family for you.
Michele, Your comments allow a deep sadness inside of ME. I am a Firstmom, and I want to tell you that YOU are not responsible for MY sadness I feel when reading your journey, and you certainly are NOT responsible for your Birthmoms, guilt/ pain /sadness. She was /is the adult who allowed others to bring her to a conclusion that her child (you) would be better off with strangers for parents…NO ONE else made this decision, just her. I am quite certain, that had you been given a voice, you would have shouted to the heavens, that you simply wanted your Momma:) Please never wish you had been aborted,you are worthy, you are kind, you are a value to your family…period! I grew up in my family of origins, had 9 siblings, and was abused most days, by my mother, yet, I have loved my family, love my mother, and would never/have never for 1 moment wished I had been aborted. YOU are valuable, an you make me feel happy that you are here;)
Telling a newly found first mother that he had a great life and held no resentment towards her for giving him up is among the worse possible beginnings of a reunion. What she hears is that his life was better because she gave him up. Of course this makes her sad.
His statements to her are akin to her saying “I’m glad I gave you up. My life would have been so much worse if I had kept you.”
I suggest that he tell her that knowing her means more to him than he can describe, that he always had a hole in his heart even though his adoptive parents were great, and that she is filling the hole. If these are not true–that he searched for her only to tell her how great his life was without her– than I suggest he back-off.
“Telling a newly found first mother that he had a great life and held no resentment towards her for giving him up is among the worse possible beginnings of a reunion.”
If this is how the first mother feels, then she needs to tell her child that. I believe that 90% of the time the adoptee intends this to be comforting to his/her first mother and not rejecting at all. If a first mother is going to get huffy about this right off the bat without trying to understand the adoptee’s perspective (as I wrote in my reply to Nadese’s comment 7:17pm) then she (the first mother) is the one damaging the reunion not the child.
I just don’t think she should tell him that, she loves him. She’s heard all these things before. He felt he should tell her, and that
does hurt to hear. But she wants to know him. Good bad and everything inbetween. There are a ton of worse things in reunion. Took me a long time to figure out what my kids want and i am still working at it. Don’t give up!
I agree with Robin – it is how my reunion with my natural mom began, and no one EVER counseled me NOT to say that…on top of that I said it to reassure her that I didnt hate her for giving me up, that no harm came to me. I should think that would be the first thing a mother would ever be concerned about ie making sure that the child is safe. But I had the same visceral reaction from my nmom and it was done in such a way that I was caught completely off guard and unaware that that was how she felt. I didnt write to her for a long time because I was angry that she would assume that I had sought her out to beat her up about the whole thing…when all I really wanted to do was reconnect. There were a lot of assumptions she made about me as an adoptee just based on my attempt to reassure her. I became the next target for anger that was really at her parents and family for not supporting that…and I had no clue about it. My reunion with her was as much about trying to deal with my feelings as it was hers, but I got ugliness and anger and bitterness and accusations of being rigid and unfeeling and uncompromising…vices that if she had taken time to get to know me would never have entered her mind.
Cut the adoptee some slack, Mother Who Is Angry That Adoptees Say They Had a Good Life. You forget we are NEVER given ANY point from which to start, we are simply told to be grateful…the fact that we decide to choose a place that looks the least offensive to us is the first step towards Us becoming a Real Person. Flinging poo at adoptees because they didnt say the right things is as disrespectful as telling us we should just shut up and be grateful.
Why does your blog have links to adoption agencies? Quite a few came up when I brought up the post.
Because I keep on telling Google to knock it off and the amount of control I have over that is stupid limited!I have to catch the link, AND then fill out this insane form for each one I don’t want. I’m trying to control the advertising, but it’s amst impossible. I get rid of one and another pops up.
The thing to remember: it costs the agencies money when you click the link… so I suggest clicking and then complaining to them!
Wow, I can’t believe some of what is being written here. So now we, the adult adoptees, who are often told our feelings and insights don’t matter when conversing about adoption in general ( or so the “rhetoric” goes; I personally have not been invalidated by an AP ) but also our true selves don’t matter in reunion?
If and when I enter a reunion with my birth family, it will be on equal terms. I expect honesty and will give nothing less. That doesn’t mean the absence of compassion & decency and frankly the individual posing the question who is struggling in reunion has been nothing but sensitive IMOP.
Are some of you saying we should lie and hide our true selves? And how then does that create a meaningful and authentic connection and possible relationship?
Agreed that maybe it doesn’t have to be the opening line…..but not sharing ANY details of our childhood? Nothing of that time in our lives? Like we come to reunion blank slates, seeking only the life long need to meet our birth mothers?
Hmmm….maybe I’ll just take a pass then. I am a whole and complete person. I have lived 28 years of both joys and sorrows. Too many years I tried to be something I wasn’t ( and NO, not to fit in with my family but moreso in social settings, workplace politics, etc.); my family accepts who I am, so too should my birth family.
Take it or leave it.
Kara
P.S. Some of these comments seem offbase too since the AA in reunion has already shared he had a good life, etc.; I would think the focus would be on what to do next, how to proceed. NOT you should have done or done that.That cannot be undone. Again IMOP.
Oh yes so much so. Natural moms do want to know everything about their children’s childhood. Trouble is agencies want the sale so bad, they tell natural moms how wonderful this child’s life is going to be. That adoptive parents take tons of classes etc. to find out that a natural mom who’s life hurts all the time, has a child that wasn’t cared for is a tremendous burden. Now we have to do 18 or more years of parenting in an urgently quick amount of time. Also, adoptive children are told they are special because they don’t have to live with their less than moral parents, this priviledged talk is subtle and people don’t realize they are doing it. People who survived a ton of abuse, can hear every selfimportant word. I am saying this from a perspective of the adoptions and reunions i’ve witnessed. I have a wonderful family (most of the time) and knowing how bad some situations are is difficult. A good therapist can help ease some of this pain.
p.s. even though you told your mom not to feel bad because it’s all about the child’s life, you can say you are sorry that you missed such important years together and would like to restore some of that damage. did you save any of your pictures and art work? SHOW THOSE TO HER!
I agree with you, Kara. This kind, thoughtful adult adoptee came here for help and advice on how to handle his reunion and he gets bashed that he did something wrong right out of the starting gate. As if he should have been a mind reader and understood how things are perceived from the first mother’s perspective.
Kara is right Nadese. And speaking as someone who had to deal with the same kind of anger from her nmom, I suggest you seek out counseling and a support group. You arent helping your case by insisting that adoptees bear the brunt of your anger, and youre certainly not helping whatever reunion. Doesnt your child deserve better than your anger? Is it so hard to see them as a real person?
And dont bother telling ME how to approach my nmom. She is dead now. I had only 2 years of a genuine reunion with her, even though we were in contact with each other 20 yrs ago. Because of her vitriol and unwillingness to confront her feelings and her desire to take it out on me, we lost 20 years of what could have benefitted both of us. She scared the hell out of me and angered me with unjust accusations. I was angry with her for a long time because she seemed to want to erase me. I was the one who finally decided to try again, and it was a 180 from what she had been…but she was killed in a car accident. Just like that, taken out. Now all the questions and emotions and feelings and healing we could have had will never occur. YOU think about what youre doing to the reunion and quit fixating on what the adoptee chose to begin with. Youre wasting theirs and your time.
As a firstmother I would have been overjoyed to hear my found child tell me that he/she had a great life and had no resentment over having been given up. As a matter of fact, had I heard words along this line my reunion might not be the shambles that it is today.
It seems that whatever I told my mother was the wrong thing. I told her my childhood was sad and lonely, because it was. She says I was abusive to her, but I really don’t know how. Things were Ok it seemed, until we went to a controversial adoption therapist in NYC. He said everything was my fault and my mother took it to heart. He said we should stop communicating by text and emails,and my mother agreed, so we did. Then she wouldn’t speak to me unless he was there. We went for a “healing weekend” and things went downhill fast after that. Her sister is very nice to me and we are close. This sister said my mothers mind has snapped and she has nothing but hatred for me now. She prayed for years that I would find her, but now that I have she is cruel. My husband tried to contact her recently and she said she was filled up with my “vitriolic shenanigans” I don’t know what she means. We haven’t had any contact since July. The problem is I do blame her. I blame her for walking away from me. The reasons don’t really matter to me. No matter how much therapy I have, that will never leave me. I can’t pretend I feel differently. I still love my mother, I can’t help it. I wish it were different. I wish I was a perfect person, capable of forgiving, but I’m not. The person I am is not acceptable to my mother.
Claud, I thought your answer was honest and realistic. At least in my experience as a reunited mother. The comments you’ve received on this post make me sad.
My son’s report on his life was extremely upsetting to me, not a good life at all, in fact he was turned out from his a-family at age 13 and sent to a group home, lived much of his teen years on the street. He couldn’t say to me that he had a good life, nothing to thank me for, and yet he didn’t blame me (at least not until later, when we discovered his anger). I would have much rather heard that he’d had a good family and happy life. That wouldn’t have offended me at all. At least I think not, having lived with the opposite.
At the time I believed that ISRR, who reunited us, coached us both on what to say in our first conversation, which they arranged. I was advised to tell him that I always loved him and never stopped thinking about him (which was true). What he said to me (which sounded coached): I don’t blame you, I’m sure you had your reasons, and thank you for giving me life.
Later his real feelings came out. But it was a good place to start, at least for us. More honesty came out later.
There is no smooth sailing in reunion. Two virtual strangers come together, even though they have that biological connection, and each do their best. It doesn’t always work out. There is much to process on both sides. Sometimes we offend each other. Then hopefully we regroup and clarify. It’s a long process of healing. One that adoption has put upon us.
Some more thoughts on reunion…nobody can go into reunion with a pre-arranged script that the other party is supposed to follow. Real life is not a reality show, which are indeed loosely pre-scripted and manipulated to get the characters to react in a desired way. So, before making that first contact, get rid of the idea that you expect your child or your mother to say certain things, behave a certain way; and also get rid of your fantasies about the life and emotions the relative you find is supposed to express. The only thing you owe each other is common decency as you would extend to any person whom you hoped to get to know. Nobody owes anybody a relationship, and a polite “no thanks” is an answer, even if it is not the one you want to hear.
As a mother who searched, I feel that my son owes me absolutely nothing, and that it is now his choice where the relationship goes. He had no choice about being surrendered, nor in my case did he have a choice about being found. The rest is up to him. I consider any contact with him that is reciprocated a small, perfect miracle, a diamond in the rust of adoption loss. I was never supposed to see him again in this life, that I have is a blessing, pure and simple.
My son was not the cause of my pain, and he is not responsible to heal or soothe it. He told me that years ago, that I had to forgive myself, as he was not my salve and savior, and he was so right! As another poster here said, I had to learn “it is not all about me”. I want to hear the truth about his life, the good and the bad, the father he loved and can never replace, and the mother who was mentally ill and abusive, the happy parts of his childhood and the sad and scary ones as well. It is up to him what he wants to tell me, not up to me to pick and choose, and not up to me to burden him with my problems, which I have to work out myself.
Most of all, I want a reunion that moves on from today, rather than keeps looking back in regret to 40 years ago. I want to respect who my son is today, everything he is, his adoptive connections and what he got from heredity. He is not my lost iconic baby, but his own man with his own story and point of view that I try to honor. I cannot be “mommy”, that time is gone, but I can be a relative and friend. Whatever he lets me be in his life is a blessing, not something I am entitled to by any kind of rights. I am so proud of who he has become, and honored that he lets me share in his life.
My son said to me, upon me telling him that I always regretted the adoption the only time we met that “god put him where he was supposed to be”. I will admit, that stung. I was dumbfounded. So his “god” didn’t care too much for me, obviously, but made sure they all gained while I (and my child) lost.
Do I think he said that to deliberately hurt me? No, but I do think that he was indoctrinated to believe that myself and my family mattered not, while only his adoptive family did. If not for us, there would have been no child for them to covet; but to deter that thinking in his mind, they give all the credit of my child being here to GOD. His father and I are responsible for him being here, not “god”. They used that a way to dehumanize us and yes, it angered me…
Do I blame him, no. I blame myself for allowing myself to trust people who blatantly lied and deceived me to procure my child.
No of course the son doesn’t have to raise the mom. But since his first words were to remind her of all the shame and loss of adoption, he could do something to restore some of that. I in fact met a person who was assulted and taken to a group home at age 6 or 7. Why was he told this happened, because “he” was bad. To know inquirer had a good life is great, of course. But reunion is a strange situation, and both he and his mom will have many discoveries that were quite different than what they were told, assumed.
And to those abused. Yes there is anger. And since being angry at the inflictors is dangerous, the anger is directed at those who care. You need a very strong support group when abuse is involved.
@Nadese,
No where though does it say these were his very first words. He states it was his initial motivating factor, NOT (simply) the first words he blurted to her. One might presume given the methodical nature of a search such as this in general and the patience and leap of faith required, that this Adult Adoptee in question probably handled things the best way he could. HE IS NOT TO BLAME.
In fact, the simple reason he continues to reach out both his birth mother and this forum seeking further insight and advice shows remarkable empathy and caring towards her. Perhaps in time she may come to recognize that but your sharing stories of abuse and children moved to group homes, hardly adds substance to this particular thread.
Maryanne and Claud’s responses both resonate with me among a few others and I am heartened that some mothers out there will be able to enter Reunion free of expetations and feelings of entitlement.
Thanks,
Kara AA
“I am heartened that some mothers out there will be able to enter Reunion free of expetations and feelings of entitlement.”
Entitlement? Of what, our own mother motherhood that was stolen from us in many cases? Many of us are just as confused about how to proceed with reunion and how to react as our children are. How about adopter entitlement? Oh, that’s right. Their “entitlement” is okay.
We just can’t win. Damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
to kara, tyrin to help michelle who seems to have suffered greatly in this situation just trying to say she is not alone. and that some should help her and her mom. that’s all.
to anonymous. People have no idea the amount of insults we suckup. When a young child says something the mom can have a response, when there is 30 years of held back responses the mom is in a tough situation!
“I am heartened that some mothers out there will be able to enter Reunion free of expetations and feelings of entitlement.”
I use to agree that because I had no say in the adoption that I didn’t owe my natural parents anything. The plan was that my adoptive family was supposed to be my only family. But after hearing my first mother’s story, many other first mother’s stories and learning more about the era, I no longer feel that way.
My mother did not CHOOSE to give me up for adoption. A misogynistic, patriachal society FORCED her to give me up. Her choice was to have me and raise me. And today’s younger mothers, although they live in a freer time, are still being subjected to so much coercion and brainwashing that they don’t know what hit them.
Believing that I don’t owe her any communication or any type of relationship at all seems grossly unfair. It reminds me of the old childhood taunt, “finders keepers, losers weepers”. I don’t see any reason to punish my mother further for something that was out of her control.
Very well said, Maryanne. I was actually told by my child that because of what I did, meaning adoption, that it was my job to “pay my debt.” And boy, did I pay. Needless to say, our reunion relationship fizzled as I suspect any relationship would when anger and feelings of entitlement enter into the picture.
I think everyone’s input here really serves to show how a reunion CAN go badly based on people trying to communicate and things getting fouled up.
Of course, it is about BOTH the mother and adoptee. And, I would hope BOTH can be open and honest. I believe ALL usually have the BEST intentions, but there is no guide book. There isn’t a script that is going to work for everyone. And we ALL have some baggage that we bring to the table.
Are we entitled to be treated decently by the other parties in reunion? Yes, we should all be treated well. Sometimes, sadly, I think there is so much damage from adoption that we need to create boundaries to protect ourselves. I have heard horror stories form both sides, and I have heard wonderful reunion stories as well.
I don’t think anyone beat this adoptee up, but to me.. yes, it it a clear example of what many *think* is the right thing to say “I don’t regret it” comes out as sometimes hurtful. Again, it all depends and this can be seen as hurtful on both sides.
As for blame? Let’s blame the adoption industry and stop fighting each other. We all want understanding and this hurt to be over.
Claudia, I thank you for posting this. I don’t think we are fighting each other. I think the current shows make too many think weird thoughts about how great adoption is, and this forum helps the truth get out there. I know that reunion is a ton of work and since the idea in the first place, was to completely sever the relationship, we grew up with role models that knew how to sever relationships. A person does walk cautiously after a situation like that. I so agree with you: natural moms do not want to say anything wrong, they watch their words close, regret innocent statements, and mourn distance that comes between them. I had a tough time reading adoption healing, but the second half of the book has ideas on how to restore and tread the distances. And it did help me realize that this reaction is more normal than I thought. Just as you wouldn’t tell a toddler some life lessons, there are some things in reunion people aren’t in an emotional place to hear until a trust is established. (that can sometimes take a long time) *confidential claudia, most hurt only dissapates, and lessens, to expect hurt to be completely gone is alot to expect.
Thanks for all your help. I’m no closer to understanding my mother’s complex mind. The second rejection is very painful, because it’s personal this time. My mother got to know me, and then started to hate me. I did have high hopes when I searched. At first we were so happy. I don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe I was too honest. I don’t know what my mother wanted me to be, but what I am is definitely not it. I hope someday she will see me as her long lost child, but I’m not sure that will ever happen. She will always be my angel.
Michele, mental illness is not something a person decides to get for attention, mental illness is extremely painful, it is the mind breaking after an extreme trauma such as rape or torture. Your mother isn’t choosing to act strange to get attention, but thinking her actions, if grandios, will deflect the danger that happened to her years ago and will resolve her inability to fight and overcome the trauma. this could be why that counselor said such a strange radical thing because your mom was abused. since your aunt is kind, look to her for maternal support and connect with your mom on subjects that are safe for you two, what common interests do you share, what comfort foods, arts, or other stress relievers. seriously mail her a hallmark and work slowly to restore your relationship hang in there michele god does love you.
One thing that needs to be acknowledged when contemplating any reunion relationship is the sad fact that not all adoptees love their firstmothers and conversely not all firstmothers love their lost children. I searched for and found my child and was blinded by the love that I had for this child. Unfortunately, I was not prepared for the lack of love and the huge amount of anger that my child had for me. Had I been better prepared things may have turned out differently.
Children think it’s safe to lash out at a mother, she’s the one that loves you most. But they do not understand the truama of losing a child. I have not ever met a mother that didn’t love their child. They may have severe pressures that cause them to act as though they don’t, but don’t let children think they are not loved I join as many adoption support groups as i can i never
met a mother that didn’t love her child (mothers that didn’t know how to show their love the way others expect (sometimes)) so don’t let adoptees think they were not loved THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!!
I would guess that a violent rape victim might not… 99.99 percent of moms love their children. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (oh and i did meet violent rape victims that loved their children deeeeeeeppplllyyy!
@anon – I too was blinded by love for my real mother. She was my entire world, as I was quite young when we reunited. I think that is important and means a lot that you found your child. I was found, and it was a dream come true for me! Unfortunately, the rest of the relationship did not work out the way I had hoped.
Yes, there is a lot of anger in adoption, and rightly so. Mothers and children should be together as nature intended. I think we should direct our anger towards society and the adoption industry, and not at each other. We have suffered enough. Hugs.
After reading the post and all the comments, I’ll chime in here.
@male adoptee – it seems your mother really regrets the adoption, and who can blame her? You are not the caretaker of her feelings, BUT it seems as if your great life triggered her. On the flip, seeing that my mother had a great life after abandoning me – well that was hard to take. I wanted her to miss me and love me, and yes regret the adoption.
@Claud – great response. I think you are fabulous 🙂
@Michele – I feel your pain, and can relate to much of it. I’m not the daughter that my mother wanted either. That has caused me an enormous amount of pain. It taken me far too many years to accept the situation, and feeling that my mother hates me for being born is a horrible burden to bear. Only through much self-help have I been able to weave this fact into the fabric of my life without it totally destroying me. It took decades, but I was finally able to love myself unconditionally, since my mother never would. Being able to do this, showing compassion and love for myself, has made all of the difference in the world. Many hugs to you.
Hey chimer. I would seriously guess your mom implied a great life so you could be proud of her. You can ask her if she missed you, but acting as though we survived adoption is what the world expects of us. she may not want to have a nervous breakdown in front of you. I don’t think it was the great life, i think telling her not to feel guilty was bad because she wasn’t. Yeah i am being extreme. but it is the truth. the first few years in reunion, moms are going to have an emotional guard always.
Like you Nadese, I have never, ever met a mother who did not love his/her child. I’ve only read about these sad situations online and in the regular news. I would guess that statistically it’s less than 1% but I don’t know this for a fact. I only mentioned this because it’s a very sad reality for a few unfortunate people.
Robin wrote:”Believing that I don’t owe her any communication or any type of relationship at all seems grossly unfair. It reminds me of the old childhood taunt, “finders keepers, losers weepers”. I don’t see any reason to punish my mother further for something that was out of her control.”
You have chosen to have a relationship with your mother and you have compassion for her suffering, which is kind. But that is different from believing you owe her, or anyone, a relationship. All of us who search hope that our mother or our child will want a relationship as much as we do. For some, that is true, and it can be a beautiful and healing journey. It is so fortunate when both adoptee and mother feel as you and your mother do, for both of you, but I hope it is really your choice to relate to her, not an obligation you think is owed her.
For others, this kind of relationship is not to be, because the other party does not want it. I would not want to think my son felt he “owed” me communication or a relationship, as that kind of relationship only leads to resentment. Think of some relative you did not like when you were a child, but your parents made you visit them. Was that a happy and fruitful relationship on your part? A relationship based on obligation turns bitter and joyless.
I think the whole concept of who owes whom, who suffered more, all those judgments of events long past have to be taken out of reunion relationships if they are to move forward into the future. As to love, it is unrealistic to expect love from a person you have really just met, and if things go badly, you are not obligated to love them either if they mistreat you. No, not all mothers love their children, no more than all children love their mothers. This is true in all families, not just those separated by adoption.
I hate the term first Mom. Blood is thicker than water.
Really? Looks like a lot of blood gave up their own blood or in your language were “made” to give up your children. Do you all live in the USA? I get the woman on this site who were having children in the 70’s or prior. That was a different world. You would never get me to give my child away. Pry them out of my dead rotting hands if you want them. Woman on this site seen to not take any responsibility for giving their children away. You had to sign papers. Unless someone literally kidnapped your kid, take SOME responsibility for your choice. Blood id not thicker than water. Love is thicker than blood. What title should you get? MOM? Do we give all sperm donors the title dad? A parent is the person who raises a child. Period.
@Anonymous 2-31 ( I’ll call you Tweety) Adoption not so different. I suggest that before you come on over making accusations about what you know little of and judge others, you do some reading, hopefully with a bit of an open mind, and enlighten yourself.
You would NEVER give up your child? Well what if YOU were the THREAT? http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2012/08/choose-adoption.html
You don’t think they could convince you? Coz you’re too smart of whatever? You won’t even KNOW what was coming: http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2006/05/coercion-form-of-power-based-on-forced.html
You are NO different than anyone else here. One sperm that worked.. that’s all..and you have a different life. http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2009/02/who-really-has-right-to-judge.html
Blood is BLOOD and it does NOT change. I a mother because I had a child. That’s FACT.
Period.
I totally agree Claud. And you are an awesome mother xoxo I loved hanging out with you and your daughter in Chicago! She is a trip!
How are your Halloween plans coming along this year?
Elizabeth
The anonymous that also wrote Anonymous4/10/12 10:22 AM.
Blood is thicker than water, and I’m resenting the term first Mom.
What I had said, is the adoptee does not have the right to come along and say anything to the birth mother about mistakes she could of made. She’s not dumb, she knows what she had did! and beats herself over it on a daily basis. She may go on living..what do you do because you lost a child or children besides kill yourself? You must go on..though you go through the process of going on to have more children, get married the works.. that’s just going through the process, ones heart isn’t always in it.Therefore her life is totally ruined in many ways.. an adoptee really does not have any idea. One must be a birthmom first to understand where I’m coming from. A birthmom learns how to fake life and living. What I’m saying is in meeting a birthmother does not give any adoptee the right to feel that they must wipe that’fake smile’ off her face… sure she’s sad.. very sad she lost her child, she’s just learned how not to show it. So do NOT think that you must wipe off that smile or do anymore damage than what has already been done.. something that she’s done to herself for many years.
no she did not read the girls that went away babies were torn from their moms adoption workers lied to the moms the court and EVERYONE you are wrong the mom didn’t make the mistake!
As an adoptee I heard bad things about my mother all my life. My a mom says she just can’t understand a married woman giving up her baby, and she tells me, “Don’t forget, she GAVE you up”. Hearing these things from infancy does something to a person. I hate my a mom for telling me my mother was no good. I hated her since I was tiny, but I was trapped. I hated living a lie, pretending I was another woman’s child. I went through life pretending as well, pretending I didn’t care, when I always did. It’s true I don’t know a birthmother’s pain, but you don’t know mine either. I lost everything at 5 days old, and it’s much too late to get it back. They were never going to look for me.
(((((((Michelle)))))))
Of course not being your mother, I don’t know that what I’m going to say, is accurate. I do think, based on my personal experiences, which include very traumatizing experiences.
I think you being her child born, one that lived, after one died due to an abortion, you were to be healing for her. she obviously wanted you, loved you, hence her caring for you and weeping when letting you go at the agency.
But she was made to feel like she wasn’t good enough for you, so she couldn’t raise you, and worse, that she couldn’t love you. The treatment of her by others, likely made her feel like she had to suppress you, in her mind, and in her heart. It’s very abnormal, and very damaging mentally and emotionally, to suppress what is real, and what is natural. And to do it for years, changes a person severely.
I think your other may have hoped, upon reunion, that again, you would heal her. Only now it would be for the loss of you, for the pain of being without you all those years. I don’t think it’s that she expected you to be a certain way and that because you didn’t meet those expectations, that thus, you aren’t good enough for her. I don’t believe that is what is behind her anger, her rejection.
I believe her anger is misplaced. I believe more than those who had a hand in her losing you, I believe she is angry at herself. I know as a mother of loss, of two children, (one before birth due to a rare abnormality not caused by anything I did or didn’t do) the other, while people with more power than me, stole my child, in both cases, as a mother, I felt guilt. I felt like I could have, should have prevented, stopped, losing either of them. I have beat myself up with guilt and shame, I have hated myself. I have felt like such a horrible, failure, LOSER of a person. I have felt unlovable. And I have felt that way since a child, both from familial rejection, and because of abuses I endured. Initially, as a child, I questioned why people were so cruel, that surely I didn’t deserve it. But the more people that hurt me, the more I was abused, the more I began to doubt my worth. The more I questioned what was wrong with me. Until a small part of me believed it was my fault. It got to the point in which I would act in negative ways to show that yes, I am unlovable, and here’s proof. It is such a horrible, confusing state to be in, the natural one, believing we are lovable, deserving to be treated decently, muddied through abuse, through neglect, to also think you aren’t lovable, that it’s right to be treated badly, that people hate you, and that they’re right to. So while your natural self rightfully craves attention, affection, decent treatment, LOVE, because you’ve been so disrespected, so neglected, hurt so much by people, and because you feel like a wretch, a leper, you end up pulling and pushing people away. Often, you are the most vile to the people you’re closest to, because you feel it’s safe. Especially if you know those people *know* you’re a wretch, but they’ve stuck around, they’ve put up with you. But you can also be worse to the people you aren’t closest to, the people who weren’t there to see your worst moments, people who you don’t know would put up with you, still be around, if they had seen you at your worst, like the ones you know have…….
J.D.
It can hurt so much, and cause such anger, to be told you’re loved, wanted, needed, by someone, when you have been abused into a confused state in which you believe more than not, that you aren’t lovable, you aren’t good enough, for someone to want or need. I would purposely sabotage good relationships with good people, because they were the exception. They were different. They treated me good, they believed I was desirable, that I was lovable. I felt like they were insane. I raged at them. How could they possibly love me. They must be lying, I was convinced! It must just be a ploy, I was convinced! They are just manipulating me, trying to get close enough to me, garner my trust, so that I feel safe, right before bam, they too abuse me! And it always hurts more to be abused, to be betrayed, by people you trusted, people you were close to. And sadly, not only would I rage at them, accusing them of lying, of it being a ploy to get close enough to hurt me, I tore them apart. I used whatever I knew about them that I felt I could throw at them to hurt them with, mixed with things I fabricated, all to justify my feelings, my mixed up, erroneous feelings, that they were liars, deceivers, out to get me. And that I had to push back, I had to assault them, hard enough, until they left me! So that they couldn’t hurt me more than I felt they already had, by what I wrongly assumed was their pretend, their fake, love for me.
I have been hurt so badly, and I have always had people who used my tears, to further abuse me. When I was a child, my tears were seen as both a sign of weakness, and as something to be mocked. So since a very young child, I would fight back the tears as hard as I could, as much as I could. Thinking if people didn’t see my cry, they couldn’t see it as a sign to further abuse me, nor mock me. As I got older, I found that when I gave in to the crying, the more I fell apart mentally and emotionally. The more broken I felt, so that became a new reason to fight back the tears. I have appeared so stoic, so cold, even in the worst situations. People have assumed I am without feeling, that I am heartless. They have no idea that I am so weak, and vulnerable, that inside I am a mess, trying with all my strength, to hold it together, to not fall apart, for all those reasons, for being shown weak, and a fool, to take advantage of, to mock, or further abuse, and to not completely fall apart, because I’ve never had anyway come to my aid and help put me back together. And having to put yourself back together, isn’t even possible. You are always left fractured, in a constant state of disrepair, of recovery, of trying to heal……
J.D.
So, do I think your mother really hates you? No. Do I think she really disapproves of you? No. I think she has been led to have such self loathing, for the wrong done to her, for the hurt she’s had to endure, and for things she didn’t do, she wished she could have, for not preventing things she wishes she could have, that she’s reacting to you, just as I have towards others.
For me, because I didn’t have anyone who came into my life, and told me they loved me, unconditionally, that no matter what I’d said or done, no matter my flaws, I was still worthy, that I still had value, and that they loved me, no matter what, and that they would help me, it led to me finding faith, in a God who did offer me that. It has only been through His words that go against all the bad I’d received, all the neglect, abuse, rejection, through Him showing me an an emotional, physical, and spiritual level, that He is real, He does accept me, flaws and all, He does love me unconditionally, and Him changing me, Him changing my life, Him bringing good out of bad, Him repairing me, bringing about healing in me, that I began to know a joy, a peace, a better life, in spite of all the bad that was, and that still is. Because my life circumstances, didn’t get any better, in fact, they’ve been on a continual downward dive. I’ve continued to suffer abuses, violations, neglect, rejection, abandonment, loss. But because of my faith, I am holding onto hope, that it wont end as it is now. That my future will eventually be better. That I’ll eventually be free of all that is wrong, of all the hurts, of all that causes this sorrow, deep within a well of tears, always full, because I so rarely allow the tears to fall.
Your mother needs so much treatment, to overcome the damage, for her to reach a place of healing, in which she doesn’t reject you, or abuse you. In which she realized you aren’t to blame for any of the bad that happened in her life, that you aren’t deserving of any of the bad that she’s doled out on you. You don’t deserve the hurt she’s caused you. She may not find it through God as I have, and it’s not your job, nor is it possible, for you to heal her. Still, while you must continue to stand up for yourself, to stand firm in the truth, that you aren’t to blame, that you don’t deserve it, and most importantly, that you are desirable, that you are worthy, to be wanted, that you are lovable, while all that is important for your well being, I believe it is also important for your mother’s well being, for you to echo all that to her. That she know she isn’t to blame for all the bad that happened to her, and in her life. That no matter how much she was abused, no matter how often she was neglected, rejected, wronged, she didn’t deserve it, that she deserved better, that she still does, just as you do, and that she is lovable, no matter how much she questions that, no matter how much she doubts it. It’s probably, based on what you’ve shared, and what I’ve been through, not good at this time, to say you love her, just keep it to the acknowledgment, that she is lovable. I’m not saying reach out to her again, and try all on your own to make a connection, to hold some sort of relationship. Just that, on occasions, like maybe her birthday, or Christmas, or Mother’s day, that you show that acknowledgement, whether she reciprocates or not. Whether she responds kindly or not. Because loving someone isn’t about conditions, it isn’t about whether they receive it, or reciprocate it. Because love is selfless, it is giving, and it is sacrificial, and it is long suffering. That’s what makes it love, and what makes it so beautiful, and because so few people understand that, and thus love truly, it is why love is so precious, and why it is so healing. Love really does overcome, even if it takes a really long time.
<3
J.D.
Thanks JD, that helps me a lot.
Michelle I am so sorry this happened to you (and i see it happen in subtle ways too much) why parents think this kind of talk or action eludes the adoptee, i don’t know. I think too that adoption is an extreme concept. Since no one can imagin the tragic, they tease, say incredibly cruel things to
resolve their own understanding and have no idea how much this discovery hurts
the victims. I think moms that don’t search do so because of all the adoption proganda about what a great life adoptees have with their ‘chosen’ families. too much to live up to. I’m not sure.
@ robin i like what you say. the trauma of adoption is played out on natural moms and we owe compassion to any person, especially since natural moms were force fed the stories about this being the ‘loving’ solution. there is a ton
of hurt for those so deceived.