Warning: Serious TMI Talk of Girly Bits Ahead
Dear Uterus and Ovarian Pals,

I know we haven’t always had the easiest of relationships though it hasn’t been that bad really.

I mean, in many ways you have been great to me. I have heard and seen so many of my sisters in womanhood suffer mightily from cramps and bloating and other womanly issues, and for the most part, you guys have been great. Oh, it’s not like those stupid commercials where I really have a “happy period”, but your consistent and relatively dependable.

Perhaps, you work too good and that has been the cause of our conflicts. I try to understand that you have just been trying to do the job that you were meant to do, but you always have seemed to want to take it a bit too far. It still shocks me that you love making babies so much. I come from a line of difficulty getting pregnant and only children, and then WHAM! you guys want to prove everyone wrong. Maybe you just take after some old uber Catholic recessive genes? Back from the days of my Italian heritage or maybe it was the Irish? I think you would be happy if you had kept me barefoot and pregnant from age 18 until now, but that’s really not what I wanted, you know?

And so we have battled for many years. You have kept me in fear of your fertile power. Your ability to thwart all forms of birth control and attract sperm cells from the most unlikely places have given me great difficulties and conflicts over the last 25 or so years. You never have let me call the shots except once! Only one time did I give you the permission to do what you were meant to do and wow, did you jump on that opportunity real quick! You know, sometimes in getting pregnant part of the fun is supposed to be trying, but nooooo.. you don’t even let me have one month of trying. The minute I said ok, you jumped on that chance before I could have even thought to change my mind.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful to you all, though, You have produced four absolutely beautiful and amazing children for me. And no matter how much I might resent the lack of control over it, I am very happy and content with the ways ( most ) things have turned out. And, truth be told, even when things haven’t ended up as a happily ever after, that hasn’t really been your fault. I know I am better off when I have let you do you thing and accepted what you give me.

But ladies, can you calm down a bit? Please?

I mean really, you have done your jobs. Almost too well. You are like the over achievers of uteruses and ovaries. I feel like a type A personality outside and inside. We have successfully procreated quite enough and if this is a Darwin thing, my genes have been spread to future generations. We shall evolve. We shall live on. A friend to population control, we are not. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore. Calm down.

I know it’s hard. I have gray hairs. I know we are getting older, but you don’t have to get all wiggy. Can you stop announcing when you are going to arrive with those migraines? They really make it hard to get things done. I know they are not EVERY month, but they tend to come at real inconvenient times, you know?

And what’s with the shorter cycles? Is that some pre-menopause thing? Are you trying to get all your eggs out the gate before they go bad or something? Coz I tell you, it’s not going to work! You can’t trick me into having another child! We are 100%, totally and completely done child bearing! And while I do understand that almost 42 is not considered too old anymore, it is too old for me and therefore for you too. You can’t have it all. We started young. I really don’t want to spend my whole life raising children born almost 25 years apart. And while I know it’s weird that the “babies” are getting bigger real fast, I Ok and will handle it this time. We are done. It’s OK now, we can rest.

And while I do appreciate that you don’t make it go on and on all week, lighten up will you? It’s like a damn bursting there! It’s getting so that they don’t make one single feminine article that keeps things under control anymore. It’s getting a bit ridiculous! I know you are there. I know you are still kicking. Must we destroy clothing and undies all the time? That’s not like you at all. You have always been so respectful of my public persona.

Can you stop with the peek a boo crap too? It’s not a game. Maybe if you didn’t go crazy in a 24 hour time span, then you could keep up the pace for a solid three days. This “Ok I’m done.. Nope! Here I am” stuff is annoying! It’s hard enough remembering to stock up my pockets with OB’s on the days when I know you’re around, but then you leave, I relax and ding dong! here you are again! Make up your mind!

And while we are talking, are you the ones responsible for my hair getting all wavy? gain, I like it. I really do. And I understand that hormones get weird after 40 and yes, it is way better than getting a big butt, but still; it’s kind of weird! It’s like another person’s head of hair just started growing out of my head. My hair is straight. My hair was straight. And I never had dry itchy skin before either. I’ll keep the hair and dump the itchy skin, mmmkay?

Look, can you just tell me what is going on and what I can expect from you guys? Please? I have no one really to ask about these things with my own mother gone. It seems to me that you are getting a bit out of control and I really hate to have to go tell on you to the doctors. If you are getting tired and just want to take a rest, then go ahead. It’s Ok by me. We have had a long and successful run. It’s time to relax and just enjoy what we have.

Let’s stop fighting all the time. Lets really try to spend the rest of our years together as friends. I am grateful that you have been so loyal and hardworking all this time, but I just don’t need you to be the same way you were. Stop over achieving. Relax. Take a break. Just stop trying to prove that you are some supreme baby making machinery in there. Believe me, everyone knows by now. We made more people than most of the people I know. We made more people than nay pone has in my family since the great grandparents time. We made more people than most of my friends. We are not making anymore.

And I know he has promised us that next time HE would go to the doctor and get those Y carriers under control, I am getting tired of waiting. I just want to be able to relax myself and not live in fear of your awesome power, so if he doesn’t do it soon, then ladies, we just might have to take care of things ourselves. No, I don’t think it will hurt too bad and no one will even know. It can be our little secret. It doesn’t mean that I love you any less, but I need a break too.

So darlings.. you three awesome trouble makers you.. have a pow wow and get it together. Cool your jets and behave. You did what you needed to do and now it’s time to just chill…

Thanks so much…

Claud~