When AdoptionLand Gets to be Too Much

And I hid.

Now granted, I didn’t go into “deep” hiding..like the time I took aver 6 months off from all things adoption.  And I didn’t take to my bed and watch endless Law  and Order reruns. But, I did just get to the end of my rope and despite all my talk about how to make a big splash for National Adoption Day. I got offline.

I could not stand to see nonstop “Yeah Adoption” posts or images or news articles. And 30 days of adoption activism was NOT scheduled and so it just went quiet.

And now I feel guilty. Yup, welcome to my life.

But I Know It’s OK

I was aware of the why I was in a foul mood. I made it through the birthday, the relinquishment day, and mentally arrived back home on Long Island like I did 26 years earlier. I had a well planned distraction for Max’s birthday on the 14th with the Portrait  of Adoption post and my trying-to-be-a-migraine headache on the 18th was thwarted by the fact that I knew I had Huffington Post scheduled for that day. I limped through Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday just feeling nasty (and of course I had my period so I was exhausted as well), but then the same half a head ache returned on Friday and I had to go do a local social thing with Rye and that day and that was it.

So I gave up and allowed myself to get obsessed with cleaning the attic.

And as I cleaned, I pondered why I was actually feeling more upset than normal this year. That is, in between, the conversations I have with myself that go like this:

“God, I’m in such a foul mood. Man, I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING!”

“It’s OK. It’s a hard week.”

“But I am so damn TIRED”

“Well, you know your uterus is busy falling out. You just have the period exhaustion”

“Yeah, well I hate everything.”

“That’s OK, it will be better next week.”

“Yeah, but I have so much to dooooooooo…”

“The world will keep turning,. It’s OK. Be kind to yourself. If you need to recharge, you recharge, Everyone deserves a break”

“But National Adoption Day is on Saturday and I have to write posts and I have to work on….”

“And you are NOT superwoman, take a break.”

“I need to find chocolate.”

So, that happened about 35 times in different forms with more or less cursing depending on whether there actually WAS chocolate to be had or not. I also squished my kitten, MewMews, an awful lot. He didn’t really appreciate having to be woken up from his very important naps just to receive the hugs. It is, as we say, very tough to be such a cute kitty. But that is his purpose in life; to give me love, so tough on him. It was in the job description. I overworked him last week.

Anyway, I have decided that our decision to skip the massive Halloween party this year was not good for my mental health. See, last year  (or maybe it was the year before) I came to the realization that Halloween gives me this huge excuse to focus on something else besides adoption leading into November.  But this year we took a break on that for various reasons. It sucked.

Loss Plus Loss Equals More Loss with a Dash of Loss

I also realized that when one is already rather sensitive to loss, that experiencing another loss will compound that loss.

Sadly, I am also processing the loss of a friendship that I thought was rather close, but have come to sad truth was not.  It is also one of those situations where I know that there is nothing that I can say or do to change it because really, the other party involved is unable to see anything that is not cast in the most negative way.  You know, like when you say “Have you seen my tall juice glass” and they are completely convinced that you are about to scream or cry because you can’t find a freaking juice glass, but really, you  just want some iced tea with dinner and it’s not a big deal. So three weeks after the “incident” you explain that because they are so bothered that they are FREAKING OUT that you asked them for a cup. And you know they don’t believe you anyway. And what’s worse, trying to explain that perhaps their perception might be off base means a 5 hour trip on the freaking crazy train because you dared say “Yeah, that’s not the way I meant that.. you are wrong.”  Oh, but then they still continue to live in your basement for months BUT NOT TALK TO YOU.

Yeah, that kind of sucked big time and added to my overwhelming sense of yuck.

When in Doubt? Clean – My Attic, However, is Lovely!

Cleaning is my drug. Seriously, when I am really angry, I clean. Ask Rye. When we are having an argument he has to beg me to stop folding laundry or doing dishes or stomping around the house putting things away.

Plus, I find something cleansing about a good purge. We joke in the house about my “cluttered ch’I” (I once upon a time, when I was an interior designer, the woman I worked for studied to become a Feng Shui master and I learned too much though osmosis), but I do usually feel better if I can restore things to a Martha Stewart version my house.

It’s probably about being able to control things and if I feel out of control emotional, then at least I can get a grip on my surroundings. Plus, the aforementioned basement dweller had a ton of stuff all stored mellpell in the attic and I couldn’t get to anything nor put anything way for over 9 months, and before THAT we had another lost puppy  staying IN the attic, so I hadn’t had a chance to deal with the attic for over a year! ( and yes, we have both promised the children that we shall NOT be the wayward home for lost souls anymore..lessons learned..)

It was driving me crazy. Besides the attic was where our offices were back in the days when I searched for Max and first contacted him. I kept on standing on the spot where I used to have my desk and sit and just feel so oddly connected to that time. I HAD to clean up that sacred space!

The garbage man hates me and the local  clothes bank will love the four plus huge garbage bags of clothes coming their way. I am behind in Adoption Activism posts, so forgive me as I play catch up tomorrow.
I know I am also sucking in the “weekly updates”.. I have to get into the habit to pulling links and then blurbs about why I care DURING the week. Right now I have this HUGE list and I have to spend all too long backing into it. And then, arg.. I have another HUGE list of things I want to work on/ am working on for here.. I should keep a running list on my sidebar so share how insane I am! And then I have my freelance folks to work on!

I wish I didn’t have to sleep.. which is weird to say after a week of wanting nothing more than sleep and more  sleep. You know when you can’t bare getting out of bed and then at 6:30 you wonder when you can get back into your jammies?

I guess I am recharged, even though November gets me depressed.

But I am guessing that I am not sharing anything that you don’t know yourself considering the numbers of folks who said they would “hide, drink or sleep” as their massive planning for “National Adoption Day.”