Art

Painting again.

No surprise, I feel a need to explain my art.

Before I can remember, I was drawing. I identified as an artist all through my childhood and into high school. That is what I did, that’s what I was good at, that was what I was going to continue to become as an adult. And indeed, I got into a bunch of art schools and was an illustration major who wanted to write and illustrate children’s books.

And then I was pregnant, had Max, and relinquished him to adoption. And, after that, I could NOT make art anymore.  Changed my career, didn’t go back to any art school and never was “an artist” again.

Oh I tried many times over the years. And I could still access my creative side. I could make draw and paint fine when working as an interior designer and drafting. I could create things when needed for the kids or work or any kind of project needed. I could still sew costumes and paint details, or refinish furniture, but art just for the pure sake of art? Sketching just because I had some free time?  Painting just because I felt like painting? No.

Over time and with many deep mental probings, I came to realize that it was indeed some sort of mental block and most likely a form of self-punishment for losing my son to adoption. I still looked at objects in my life as an artist. My mind frames out landscapes, I set tablescapes as if I am about to draw a still life, I see the panes and angles of people’s faces as if I needed to render them in two dimensions, but I could never convert that desire to action.

It didn’t even help that much knowing what the problem was and I had resigned to just accept that I still hadn’t found my way around that piece of residual adoption crap, but hopefully, one day, I would find the key and break through.

And then one day, it happened. Something broke through and I found the way[i] to paint again.

But it’s different.

I’m not painting for the finished product or even a vision of what might hang on a wall. My painting now is an exercise of creation and the end piece is what is left at the end of that process; the final documentation of the journey.  And there usually is a journey, a story, a something, that is represented. My work now is greatly inspired by found objects that I incorporate into my pieces and assign meaning. It really is much more of a therapeutic process that combines intentional symbolism with often unconsciously inspired creation.

I also use words and type. Part of that is just my agelong frustration with incorrect interpretation; It is my painting. I will tell you what I meant when I was painting it. The words provide clear and direct meaning. You can tell me what you feel or think when seeing it.  Once completed, most of them have a tale to tell of their creation – which is really what was happening in my thoughts as this art came forth-and so I go back to writing again and map out the path before I forget where I came from.

Since I am not concerned about what they look like in the end, I can approach an object or canvas with little or no expectation except my ability to react to what I see. Along with, literally, the junk I find, I also enjoy delving into the multitude of things collected and saved over the years.  Along the same vein, I find myself now, endlessly fascinated by glitter and all things iridescent if only just because they bring me joy. Often, pieces built up and layered, again, the real work itself is in the process of the creation.

So, I don’t expect that anyone is going to look at anything I have created and say “Oh wow, this piece is just so beautiful!”  I know that some of them are outright disturbing to look at and could even be described as an ugly hot mess. It’s not meant to be pretty. It is art created out of all the messiness that is life and love and grief and trauma and loss and death and hurt and everything else, right here, right now, just being real.

[i] It’s the Cure; literally. If I listen to the Cure on headphones and smoke a bunch, then I can somehow tap into my 16 self and paint again. I’m assuming I had a nice neuropathway in my brain established from doing these actions together consistently though high school. Now I work on expanding and strengthening it again so I can access the joy of painting without having the create the environment to trick my brain!