Articles by admin

Before Making an Adoption Plan March 22, 2012

What NO Agency Will Tell You About Adoption

If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy and are considering giving the baby up for adoption, there are many things you should know before making an adoption plan.

In fact, there are many things that you should know about the process of adoption before you make any contact at all with a infant domestic adoption agency.

  • Even if you think it would be a good idea to make a few inquiries and get some information about their newborn adoption programs, please STOP TALKING TO THE ADOPTION AGENCIES and READ.
    • If you are already in contact with an adoption agency and talking to them about giving up your child for adoption; please STOP TALKING TO YOUR ADOPTION SOCIAL WORKER, no matter how much you like her, and READ.
      • If you have already “chosen” adoption and are worried about finding the perfect set of parents,; please STOP LOOKING AT ADOPTION SITUATIONS AND DEAR BIRTHMOTHER LETTERS ONLINE and READ.
        • If you are already matched with a lovely pre adoptive couple and have plans to pick out a changing table next week, please STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE THEM  and READ really really fast.

        This is the really important stuff that NO adoption agency will EVER tell you!!!!

Adoption Koolaide & Birthmother Denial March 22, 2012

Adoption Koolaide and Birth Mother Denial

Coming Out of the Adoption Fog

Often I feel that adoption denial is too strong a word.

Many people enter into adoption believing in some form of its innate goodness. There is often a real shock and a true disbelief that what they wanted to believe about adoption is different than the truth. That’s not denial, but just being unaware. The question is whether or now, we are able to see past what we want to believe and see the reality presented by the facts. This takes time as we need to process those changes in thought. Some resistance, the continued disbelief, is normal.

I, too, used to think that adoption was the greatest win-win solution to an planned pregnancy. I thought I was smarter, more selfless, and stronger because I gave my newborn son away to others.  I was proud of my heroic act for the first dozen years after relinquishing my baby to adoption.

I understand why so many birthmothers do not want to see, cannot bring themselves to see what adoption really means. It’s not just yummy tasting kool aid, it’s survival.  So survive. I mean that. It’s Ok if you don’t want to believe me now. Maybe you never will, but maybe one day you find yourself having your own WTF moment, lying on the kitchen floor in a heap, wondering why this adoption stuff keeps on bringing your down. On that day, remember me and come on back. I’ll be waiting for you.

Giving my son away to adoption in 1987

A Birthmothers Life March 22, 2012

Support for Birth* Mothers

Dealing with Birthmother Grief the Only Way I Know How

This blog is mostly about living as a birthmother because since November 18th, 1987, that has been the only way I have left to live. That’s the day I signed the relinquishment papers in some dark office in Newton, MA and there has never been a way to get back to the life that could have been. I gave away my baby to people I had never met and then tried to go on living my life as the agency and everyone else expected me to. It didn’t work.

Adoption Affects Birthmothers for a Lifetime

So, more than 28 years later; adoption is a huge force on my life affect me and my whole family every single day. I have no choice anymore. I can’t go back and change it, so I blog. Chances are, if you have found your way here to this blog, you are needing to know what it means to live the life of a birthmother.

Relinquishment, The Adoption Industry December 5, 2010

Birthmother, Good Mother

“In choosing adoption they can now see themselves as good mothers, the highest form of motherhood – the mother who chooses what is best for her child regardless of sacrifice it requires of her. In doing what is best for her child, she fulfills her need to see herself as a good mother and accept the pain of relinquishment. In this way, she transforms agony of the entire story into a redemptive experience where she becomes a heroine in her own eyes and in the eyes of others.”

The Adoption Industry December 5, 2010

The Missing Piece: Adoption Counseling in Pregnancy Resource Centers

Current rates of adoption at most pregnancy resource centers are extremely low. Although no formal statistics exist, spot-checking adoption rates at larger centers indicate that it should rates commonly are below 1%. In 1999, the Family Research Council undertook further research to understand complex array of factors involved in considering adoption and how best to present adoption as a viable option for women.The research is designed to identify underlying factors that either inhibit or motivate the consideration of adoption in both single, pregnant women and in pregnancy counselors. The research focused on discovering the most basic impressions that women in counselors have about adoption and on the psychological dynamics of decision making concerning adoption.

Adoption March 23, 2010

All Things Adoption

All Things Adoption; Relinquishment, Search, Reunions, Books, News and Information

Lots of people know adoption stories, but they don’t know how to search for an adopted child or birth birthmother, or the rules of a good reunion, or what to watch out for when making and adoption plan. I have tried to provide as much information as possible broken down into categories so you can hopefully find the information you need, when you need it. There is a lot of information to be found here. Categories and sub-category are broken up by issues and can be found in main menu headings.

The Adoption Lists on Listly

A Birthmothers Life March 23, 2010

The Adoption Lists

A Great Tool for the Adoption Community

Listly is a third party site that is great for group collaboration. It’s easy to sign in, make a profile and collaborate.  I usually make a new Adoption List for subjects that seem to be wide conversations in AdoptionLand. For instance if a bunch of adoption bloggers are all talking about similar subjects, a Listly list allows us all to keep them in one place.

More Voices, More Shares, More Embeds

Listly updates in real time. So when you add something to The Adoption Lists, where ever the list is embedded, that list updates too. Even if you are not participating in a particular Adoption list, you can help by sharing the list link or, even better, embedding the list on your own blog or website.

To Embed an Adoption List: all you have to do is click the embed icon on that list and choose the code that your site needs. Most of them work just fine with Java Script HTML.

Sharing and embedding The Adoption List is a great way to help support the Adoption Community!

A natural fathers right to known his child

A Father's Right March 23, 2010

A Father’s Rights to Custody in Adoption

A Father’s Rights to Custody; Thwarted, Ignored, Legally Denied, and Unjustly Steamrolled

It might seem that a father should have a natural right to parent his own child, but sadly, when adoption enters the picture, the rights of the birth father are often nonexistent. 
A father’s right to the custody of his own flesh and blood is something most easily and legally forgotten when the birthmother of the child has “chosen” relinquishment for the baby.  Worse, yet, the laws are stacked up against him and the legal battles that go with his desire to parent often take years and thousands of dollars in legal fees.

 Learn how to Protect Your Rights as Father Now!

Place your baby for adoption

Relinquishment March 23, 2010

The Tragedy of Adoption Relinquishment

Adoption relinquishment is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Your Baby Needs YOU, Not Perfection

Your child will be born knowing your voice, your smell and needing YOU; his or her mother. Mother child bonding happens pre-birth and sets up a model for the rest of the child’s life. Children do not care, especially at young ages, about brand name clothing, special diapers, or fancy toys. They want their mothers.

Separating of a mother and child is painful to babies, even newborns. They might not have the ability to verbalize their pain, but  it can cause damage.  Some adoptees suffer what is called the Primal Wound. Many adopted children are colicky. Others adapt by being complete “content” which means they are in a survival mode. Adopted children are over represented in both the mental health field and the prison system. Many suffer from trust issues their entire lives. No matter what happy adoption story they are told, some will feel abandoned and rejected by you.

Chances are, your child will be denied their civil rights to access their original identity.

Adoption is Not The Answer to an Unplanned Pregnancy

No Picture

Adoption May 7, 2009

Writing out and about

I made my “debut” on the the multi author adoption blog: “Finding the Road to Truth: how I came to be the Birthmther that I am” And then, there was another one! Birtmother Commentary: on and off-line

No Picture

Adoption April 29, 2009

There is a Reason for Everything…

….that I do. Sometimes it only might make sense to me, but eh, I’m usually pretty open, so I explain. I have offered and was accepted most openly to write for an multi author adoption blog. How can I say this most PC like.. it’s a bit more happy adoption then one might expect me to want to write for…but.. as I defended my reasoning to actively particiapte on Adoption.com…

No Picture

Adoption January 21, 2009

Preparing for Reunion Sources: Ideas anyone?

So, I was contacted by a blog to write my relinquish /search / find/ reunite story for them. The hug challenge was that I had to do the whole thing in one post length and I do not do “brief” very well, as we all know. But, I nailed it down… it’s like the readers digest condensed version. And it’s up, it’s cool. It’s got a link back to here….

Adoption News November 8, 2008

About International Adoption in Australia

These Angels Aren’t Telling the Whole Story By Ian Robinson INTER-COUNTRY ADOPTION 18 Nov 2008 Deborra-Lee Furness wants us to import a lot more children from other countries for the Australian adoption market — but it’s an ignorant and selfish approach to the problem of child poverty, writes Ian Robinson In a recent Weekend Australian Magazine, Deborra-Lee Furness breathlessly told her interviewer that there were “103 million orphaned children in the world”. “How can…

No Picture

Adoption April 17, 2008

A major loss for Adoption

I don’t even have anything wonderful or deep to say. I am just shocked and very sad to read Bastardette today. I greatly admired and respected Di. A lovely tribute to her is here as well.