Long and hard about what is most important for them to know and understand about the adoption of Max.
So I came up with this:
- The need to know that I see it as a huge mistake. That we don’t just, with ease. walk away from our kids. That I cannot just walk away from them. Big, big deal for me
- The reasoning behind it. Yeah, maybe they won’t get it all now. But a generic “I was not ready” to me, allows that as a reason to place. And I cannot accept that. My reasons, though “correct” by adoption standards, sucked. And the overall message is VERY important to me. Look, I would die if I thought my kids could ever say something like “adoption is cool! My big brother was adopted and he is excellent” We teach kids our beliefs…God, politics, etc. No different to me. Yeah, it is a “don’t buy into adoption” story.
- Sadness being conveyed is absolute. They must know I was sad. For one it relates to #1, for two. it does give them permission to feel their own sadness when and if it comes up.
Other notes…basic reproduction..while we go there….again in truth..I think THAT is more information then they need to know. It was not a nice happy love tale that ended in a pregnancy, but a huge deal involving an inappropriate relationship with a much older man/boss. The details..or even the questions that would come from going there..are NOT age appropriate at all. They can get that when they get older. Garin knows, Max knows..they both say “YUCK!” This is not a story about reproduction.
It is a story about how their mother could loss their brother. That’s a pretty big deal. I lost one of them. My children. Huge. How it happened, to me, needs to be told. And if they get it a little bit fine. It’s not going to be a one time story. I want to be able to read it again and again.
I think that overall, they will be super excited to know that they have another bigger brother. And the happy ending will be lived for us all. The talking about him can all be done in question and such…but it is very important to me for them to know HOW it happened…my mistakes, what I believed, what I felt to be true.
Anyway, that’s where I am at with this. I don’t know how much will really get edited down. Anyone have a copy of “My Sister Sam” to give me the run down on that?
Oooh I got first comment!!!
Much love for you, and oh you write so beautifully, all I wish to say today…right now…
RIGHT ON, CLAUD!!!!!
I agree. It doesn’t make any sense to not tell the truth. You are an intelligent woman you will tell them in an age appropriate way. You are a good mother and you know your children.
There is no way to tell a person they lost a brother and be all chirpy about it. It sounds scary and difficult too. I would be scared that’s what I mean.
Good post. You absolutely do need to be truthful with them…just at a level they can understand. My guess is that they will need lots of reassurance that they are not going to be lost from you too. You would despise “Sam’s Sister.” Really, don’t even go there, because it will leave you seething. It is about a mom making an adoption plan for her second child and involves her first child in choosing the adoptive parents, etc. Wouldn’t fit your situation at all.
Good post. You absolutely do need to be truthful with them…just at a level they can understand. My guess is that they will need lots of reassurance that they are not going to be lost from you too. You would despise “Sam’s Sister.” Really, don’t even go there, because it will leave you seething. It is about a mom making an adoption plan for her second child and involves her first child in choosing the adoptive parents, etc. Wouldn’t fit your situation at all.ituation at all.
I agree you should be truthful with them and I think a edited version with letting them know you thought it was wrong for you is good. I also agree that my 3 and 5 year olds don’t need to “go there” about the whole sex side of where babies come from.
And the book you mentioned, don’t go there. It’s horrible. I looked at getting it to read to Dylan and I was like “hell no”. He already has some screwed up ideas about adoption (ones I am not willing to say here but would be willing to discuss in email)and that book would have been the icing on the cake.
OK..good ..I will not give Amazon money for that book. Thank you for the heads up!
I have to put this book project to bed for about a week. I have “real” work that must be done in that time frame, but I can’t wait to get started on this project for real. I love an xcuse to do something “artsy” and I adore books..so it should be fun. Plus what a great reason to have to get it done.
Hi Claud – Rachel here. I just wanted to say that I applaud you for being honest with your little ones about the adoption and not relying on cliche to get you through it. You experienced a loss – when my mom told me she had been pregnant with a little girl before she adopted me and lost her through miscarriage at 6 months preg, she made no bones about how awful it was, and I think this is the same type of loss – although, thank god – Max is alive and well and they will be able to meet him -so at least it is not all sad for them. But hey – be as honest as you can – you don’t want one of them considering adoption for their own child down the line.