Coming Face to Face with My Adoption Agency

The emotional unpacking after time away at the American Adoption Congress Conference, spending time with Max in Boston and the oral arguments for Carri’s case against Adoptions  by Gentle Care in Ohio continues. I guess I am working backwards since I am now up to Thursday;  the first full day of the conference. I will say quite openly here that Thursday was a pretty hellish day for me as the current executive and associate directors from my agency were also in attendance.

Now let me preface that and say that being that the AAC Conference was in Cambridge and my agency is close to the area, it does make sense that they would go.  The American Adoption Congress Conference is a wonderful opportunity for those in the practice of adoption- agencies, social workers, etc-  to learn about adoption from the true stakeholders – ie birthparents and adoptees-. And there is also the fact that  people in the field need to have continuing education credits to retain their licensure. So  in the grand scheme I have no right nor would I even begin to find fault that representatives from the agency directly involved in Max’s adoption were there.

Now, I know for a fact that they are aware of who I am and my stance and the work I do.  And I am pretty confident in my assumption that they were aware that I was going to be there; aside from the fact that I have been talking about attending, I also was appearing on the AAC Conference publications as I was presenting.  So now the stage is set; I’m there and they know that. They are going and I was not aware of that ahead of time- until I actually arrived.

My Plan to Ignore My Adoption Agency

Thankfully, once I did arrive there, I was informed that my agency had registered – thankfully for only once day. Now I did kind of laugh it off on Wednesday as I HAD experienced some real anxiety on my way to Boston that morning. I had chalked it up to normal excitement coupled with the whole surreal “going back in time being triggered by Boston” type of anxiety. However once hearing that my agency was going to be in attendance, I  jokingly posted on Facebook that “that explained my feelings of dread!” The funny part was though many folks replied that I should “give them hell” my intention and greatest desire was to manage to avoid them.

This is NOT me:

In real life, I really hate uncomfortable situations, having to edit myself and overall conflict.  Killing is way out of the questions. I play a completely different role online than I do in some ways during my daily existence. I can write a seething letter and back it up with tons of factual evidence, but in person?  Rye calls me a pushover. I might not change my point of view, but I can’t often be bothered to  invest much time in a confrontation or situation especially if I have other things to do. I dislike being in situations where I get upset and cannot walk away. I like to think about WHY I am upset and HOW my reaction might or might not be a waste of time and energy.  Online I am in control and can just leave the computer, but real life is different. So overall, I did not see much personal value in any kind of interaction between myself and them. I figured that some folks might be disappointed that I didn’t “get” them, but it didn’t really matter to me. I had no need.  My instinctual and gut reaction was, indeed, complete avoidance.

So that  is really is what I intended to do. I figured it was good to know that they were there and I could be cognoscente of checking name tags of folks I didn’t know so I didn’t find myself actually close to them for any reason.  And after accepting that it was really Ok for me to just ignore them, I actually promptly forgot all about them and went on to enjoy the first evening of events seeing old and new friends, etc.  until the first workshop of Thursday morning.

Tension at the PFR Workshop

So after the morning keynote  given by Bennett Greenspan, the founder of Family Tree DNA, and literally THE man who brought cost affective public accessible DNA testing to the masses, I went on to see out Kat Nielsen’s presentation on Father’s Rights in adoption  and Putative Father’s Registries because I like Kat, she does good research and PFR’s are of interest to me as well! And I am happily sitting there behind Ann Fessler and next to Betsie Norris,  as we get to discussion some facts about father’s rights in adoption.

So there is another women across the aisle form me and she starts talking and I literally disagree with everything that is coming out of her mouth.  It’s immediately  that she is an adoption professional as she is saying “I have this 18 year old male client and I CANNOT, morally or ethically, ALLOW this young man to parent.. because he refused to provide for me a parenting plan.. and mom doesn’t want this.. so it’s going to have to go before a judge”  basically saying that SHE doesn’t think this guy has a right to parent his own baby and SHE is demanding that SHE is feeling satisfaction that he will parent up to her standards. Basically, you could feel EVERYONE else in the room disagreeing with her.

And I know, then, exactly who  it is that I am sitting across the aisle from.  My attempts at avoidance went all to hell.  If it wasn’t Kat’s presentation and if I could have managed to do it and be unnoticed, I would have left, but it was too late.  It’s not only the Executive Director (ED) of my agency, but we are talking about one of the major issues I have with how I was treated there- my agency told me how to negate Max’s father’s parental rights  by listing him unknown and that was completely morally and ethically wrong.  I didn’t want to do it, but I find the universe has put me here and I will not shy away though my hands are shaking.

I do not, however, lose my shit.  The discussion continues and though rather lively discourse is centered around this “one young man”, Kat does manage to get us off that single case  which is good because the hostility  and defense of this guy was running high and somehow I don’t think this ED had any idea that  we could easily become a crazed mob. ( I am joking here.. we were all very behaved) Anyway it was particularly  annoying and perhaps virtuous that she kind of kept on defending “her ethical agency” which really opened the door for me to direct  speak the opposite based on the facts  of my  personal experience.

“With all due respect, I was TOLD to write UNKNOWN on  my son’s birth certificate.”

Said it twice.  Spelled out my story  in all it’s unethical glory. I live though this. I said my piece. No blood was shed and now I know who to look for so I can really avoid them now. Right? I tell myself that she didn’t really realize who I was or she wouldn’t have walked right into that and it’s not really my fault that she did.  I continue on with my conference experience which means forgetting them, trying to calm down and put it behind me.

 Meeting with the Adoption Agency #2

I stop shaking and do indeed, move on. In fact, I pretty much forgot  until after our OBC access regional lunches, I notice a woman I do not know making a beeline for me.  I think nothing of it again (damn you short term memory!)  and just assume it is a legit internet friend who want to say hi.

Nope.  It’s the associate director (AD) of my agency.

Now, in all honestly, it was a fine conversation.  And while I would not have seeked it out, out of the two of them that were attended that day, the AD was the more acceptable and appropriate person to have contacted with me.  She was NOT there during my pregnancy and Max’s adoption. She and I have no personal contact previously, so I cannot hold her responsible for anything that happened at the time.  And so that whole chatting face to face to  somehow bridge a divide is truthfully rather brave and I can commend that action. And so we talked, nothing major, nothing ground breaking horrible or fantastic and it was OK.  We were both cordial, gracious, civilized and  I know for my part, honest. I feel I held my won without being hostile or angry.  And when it was over, I really thought to myself; “There! Now I have had my fill. I’m done with this, right?”

Yeah,  no.

Now, I just want to take a minute a describe this conference if you haven’t been. Now,  while we are all pretty much in the same hotel and in a relatively smallish space, there are different rooms and floors and the restaurant and then  break out rooms and people leave the hotel so there are actually people there that I would  really like to spend more time with and I don’t get to.  There are a ton of folks who I got to chat with once briefly and I didn’t manage to see  again or have quality time with or in dept conversations.  There are people that I might tend to hang out with most of the time through the conference but I won’t end up seeing them at all some days or for hours. In other words it is easy to NOT see folks that you might not want to and hard to find the folks you want to see.

So when I say that every freaking time I turned around it felt like my agency was there it’s almost even more weird!

I CANNOT get AWAY from this Agency! Meeting #3

So  I go to a later afternoon breakout workshop and the ED is there behind me again. Can I get away with ignoring the ED this time?  Nope, this time afterwards SHE comes up to me to chat. And then the AD comes over too. And we chat more until finally they are leaving.

I could NOT wait for them to get the hell out of that hotel. Like I could not take any more of them.

Now here’s the thing, again, it really doesn’t matter exactly what was said. Again, I feel actually pretty good about my exchange with them. Again, I am actually really proud of myself for how I handled it.   I did not back down.  I got to say some very real valid points like how my child’s relinquishment was complete unnecessary.   I was able to happily share that Max was attending in a few days.  And yes, I did clarify that indeed I was told by that very agency how to screw over his father and it was wrong.

But let me tell you.. the ED HAD been directly involved in Max’s adoption. She was his parents social worker AND was the ED when we reunited. And  SHE was the person I spoke to on his 18 birthday and who chastised me for daring to send him a birthday present. In other words, I pretty much have personal reasons for NOT wanting to be BFF with her and that was BEFORE the whole scene during the PFR workshop.  So overall, I am very proud of myself for being able to stand there and talk like an intelligent human being and hold my own because really.. it was all fight or flight inside me. I wanted to run away screaming and crying and hide or punch her in the neck.

At one point in the conversation they asked me to kook at the website  and send them any pointers via email, but please “don’t write about it”.  I might feel the tiniest bit bad for posting some honest reviews that I know they still have to answer for, but  I’m not trying to be really rotten with this post. Notice I am NOT using any names and truthfully that is because the massage here is bigger. There is a lesson to be learned  beyond how it felt to be me, standing there.

And that lesson is actually FOR the adoption agencies.

A Message to Adoption Agencies about Dealing with Birthmothers Afterwards in Neutral Settings

I can tell you first hand that talking with the adoption agency representatives that helped broker the loss of your own son is EXTREMELY triggering for a birthmother.

So partly, I am upset because I do kind of feel that they sought me out for THEIR own benefit and did not consider how this would affect me.   If I didn’t make it clear enough, it wasn’t that I had a problem with them being there.  I am very good at gracefully and COMPLETELY ignoring people. There was one person there who  successfully ignored me and I ignored her just beautifully, so it can be done. It wasn’t even that we inadvertently ran into each other. And it wasn’t even the worst thing that the AD found me, but the ED that had direct involvement in the loss of my child? How could she have possibly through that we could chat like old friends?  It’s just such a selfish assumption to make and again, just makes me wonder how they could not even consider how it would feel for me?  So what that tells me is that they have no understanding abut the long term affects of mothers who have relinquished and perhaps little consideration or caring about our feelings.

I was also upset that  it KEPT happening and it was literally ALL Day. Again, ignoring was an option! So by the end of that last interaction, I was literally hiding.  I really needed to have a cigarette and could not go out the front doors because THEY WERE STANDING THERE NOT LEAVING. I had to go instead to the courtyard. There,  I called Carri to freak out on her and hide by dumpster with my phone and cigg. And then, once they finally left, I, who normally does not go for the support groups, ran in late and literally threw myself in a chair at the Moms support groups because I NEEDED that protective circle of moms. Like I really could have cried It was that yucky.

And I as I shared, I really felt violated. The AAC was MY safe place. It is MY people and while they could come in, how dare they invade my safe zone and do that to me repeatedly!  Like if they were trying at all to intimidated, that didn’t work but if they were trying to prove that they were understanding and kind hearted, that kind of backfired. Or they should have had a better plan or at least thought it out more and planned better because that was overkill.

I mean thank GOD that I had  at least a warning that they were going to be there. Can you image if you didn’t expect your agency and they were in your face!  They are just lucky that I HAD mentally prepared or the emotional side of me might have taken hold and I might not have been civil and gracious. In fact, the right thing to do on their part would have been to send me a email or note before hand, explaining that they were going to be there for their CEUs and that IF I was open to it, then they would like to take the opportunity to say hello face to face.  At least that would have considered my needs and treated me like a valuable person worth of an opinion and having valid feelings. Instead, I somehow feel again like “just a birthmother”  whose feelings come last and just don’t matter. That will not work for me anymore!

The other things that took me some time to think about is looking back on the conversations I had with them; I don’t think they once accept ANY responsibility for the part they played.  They made it very clear that, as I knew already, the former director during my time had passed on and things had, surprise, changed and were different now.   Perhaps there was an expressed shock for the truths I spoke of, but I can tell you it would have really gone a long long way if it was said once: “I am sorry this happened to you and your son.” If it was stated, I did not register it, but I do think it would have been both shocking and validating enough that I would have picked up on it.  I mean even if they didn’t feel it was their personal fault, just the loss and pain from those years could have acknowledged.  What happened to us was wrong and it would have been great if they could have seen that and agreed.

And the thing is; I KNOW I said to both of them how actually I was NOT treated “badly” and that both Max and I did fair well.  I KNOW I spoke directly about  what I call ” Regret pie” and how I can accept MY part in  the decisions and what happened.   I KNOW I stood there and owned MY responsibility, but they did not.  Like I literally HAD their piece of responsibility pie on a plate right in  front of them and was holding out the fork.  I am sad to say that no one seemed to even want to try a small nibble.

So overall, I am again, happy with how I handled the whole day, but man.. it was hard.  It was really hard. And if their intention was to reach out to me across the divide, I think in the end, especially now as I think it over more, it backfired.  I feel like they might have really sought me with no regard with how it would affect me. It feels like their purpose was somehow to try to convince me that they were not the “bad guys” anymore, but in doing that they missed a very good opportunity to actually show that they do understand and care and really.. that simple validation of my loss and pain would have gone a long long way.  I can’t say I feel surprised, but it does add to the overall disappointment. I wish I could believe that they would read this now and go “OMG wow.. I can’t believe we didn’t think about that how that might have felt for HER!”  I wish I was hopeful enough to maybe expect a email that might validated this post and show that there is a learning curve.  I might even hold out for a real apology, but that feels like a wasted effort.

So I sit here now and just shake my head. They know what I write about. They know what I say about them. They know what happened that is wrong by my view. And I just don’t get the impression that things have really “changed” that much over there in the last 25 plus years at MY adoption agency.   At least,  that wasn’t show by how they just interacted with me.   Kind of just like the whole adoption experience. Nothing really “Horrible”. No obvious abuse.  All civil and nicey nice. Treated well on the surface, but look deeper and things just don’t quite feel good. Do you really care about MY needs? Are you REALLY there for me? Nah,  I still don’t feel it. I don’t have the energy to care enough to hate anymore and I  do feel I have won anyhow, but I’m probably not ever going to be a fan.

You guys did help me, directed me, enabled me, to make the biggest mistake in my life  and lose my child. You paid your bills, made you living, still make your livings, based on ignorance and trust. I was wronged. My son was wronged. And I don’t think you can even see that now.  My child is back, but that trust is gone.