About Myself, About Judgment, About Adoption, About the World.

As I said a lot this past weekend at BlogHer ’10 in New York City, I wore a lot of hats. Part of me went to BlogHer as the Dragon Search Social Media Queen and I have a “Marketer’s View of BlogHer” over at the work blog, but part of me went to BlogHer as “Claudia the Adoption Blogger from Grown in My Heart” and here. So it’s on that level that I speak to my overall take away.

BlogHer and Adoption on My Mind

Less than nine full days after retuning form Kentucky for the Adoptee Rights Demonstration, I left for BlogHer. Granted it is much easier for me to get to NYC for three and half days then Kentucky for almost a week, but I am not sure if I was even caught up on sleep. I know I still haven’t even finished processing the experience of being in Louisville with all the Bastards. I have like 6 more blog posts running around my brain about the Adoptee Rights Day in Kentucky, so that’s all still bubbling. The ARD followed by BlogHer meant that I was having a LOT of adoption conversations as of late. And the real face to face emotional conversations are the ones that DO make one feel the true emotions of adoption. Let’s just say that my adoption “stuff” is closer to the surface.

The Lone Birthmother

Plus now, from spending days and nights enmeshed in adoptee land, I now was going to spend time with, well…. a bunch of adoptive moms. I was going to be the lone birthmother of our group, though not of the conference. Jenna was there ( which was GREAT!), but let’s just say that we were quite the minority of mommas. Now, I can be the only birthmother and that’s OK. I did it for the KAAN Conference in 2007 with our dear Margie and it was great, but yeah, sometimes I know that things can get ..awkward? Uncomfortable? Or even just overwhelming. It’s adoption after all. It can be hard stuff.
Of course, Grown in My Heart constantly surprises me. Aside from the fact that we all think the name is sappy and obvious ( yes, I have come clean, we can say it), writing there has never given any indication of any conflict. It has never been what I expected.

• When I first saw that they were looking for birth mothers to write there and I offered, I expected to be ignored, or turned down because I was too scary. In reality, I was greeted with open arms.
• In the beginning, I expected to be told to turn it down or maybe not to be so.. me? But it was never ever even hinted it.
• I thought that maybe, sometimes, I would be humored. Instead, I only found respect and support and encouragement.
• And I feared, that maybe, just maybe, this trip to NY would be somewhat stressful and difficult at times and maybe it would be hard to see eye to eye. Guess what? Wrong again.

Instead, I learned that there is always something new to learn about adoption.
So aside from the just plain old FUN that we had at BlogHer and the cool people I got to met at BlogHer and the free swag from BlogHer, I learned that I still had some things to learn about adoptive parents.. or rather, truly, something to learn about people.. and something to learn about me.

Adoption Lesson #1

I sat there and listened to them talk about their children adoptee from overseas and I listened to what they do for them and I was very surprise. Oh, I knew the catch phrased of attachment disorder and bonding therapy and institutionalization, but I never bothered to delve deeper into really understanding it. And while I would, admittedly, sometimes pooh-pooh the thought of post adoption depression for adoptive parents and mock them in my head for speaking of the difficulty after bringing a child home, the place in me that was still hurt was jealous that they were complaining about parenting and angry to hear it. Oh I could think I understood and blame the agencies for duping adoptive parents too into thinking that once the coveted child was home than life would be dandy, I will say that parts of me still blamed adoptive parents.. as a whole.

Oh I like, love, respect, call friend to many an adoptive mom.. I really do.. and that was real.. on a person to person basis many have found their way past any judgment I might harbor. But as a whole, in a group, I didn’t get it.

And then I heard, in person, the things that made up their daily lives. I heard what they do for the benefit of their kids at home. I heard of the behaviors and the consequences. And no one was complaining, no one was bitching and moaning, they were doing the same thing we all do.. looking for those that understand and have lived through similar experiences. And I heard the love for their adopted kids and really, what good parents they strive to be. I heard them truly understand in so many ways what their kids might be feeling and what their mothers might have gone trough and what is wrong with the adoption industry on their side. I heard what I had not listed to before and all I could say was WOW.

These women, these adoptive mothers, who are on the opposite side of the spectrum from me, were on the same side..or maybe it’s not a side or a scale or a bell curve, but just some crazy lifeboat that we are all in together. And while I have always said.. I don’t care who you got here, but what are you going to do now and I will look for allies in the most unlikely places and accept whatever help we are granted, I can’t say I expected this.

Unexpected Surprised Come to BlogHer in Many Forms

I didn’t expect that when we were all “confronted” with a adoptive mother who was…. not yet “enlightened” ..and said some harmless, well intended, yet dopey hogwash to me, that I would see concerned eyes be able to read my face, frozen in a stupefied smile, know I was at doing all that I could not to raise my eye brows and roll my eyes. The eyes that flickered to my face said; ‘”Are you OK? Yeah, she’s clueless.”
I didn’t expect that I, the person who gladly runs about wearing my CrackWhoreBirthMother T shirt, would be asked” “Do you want us to say that you are a birthmother? Should we say something else?” Heck, I didn’t expect that I would be as freely able to make CWBM references all weekend like I did in Kentucky and have it be socially acceptable. But it was.

I didn’t expect that I could, openly, discuss how I felt towards my son’ parents and some of has happened, and not have their actions defended, or explained, but rather, they rolled their eyes and clench their teeth.
DO they actually just accept ME as I am? DO they really GET me? Can they really understand? Again, didn’t they just put up with me? They can’t really like me can they? And all those weird things that the nasty little voice in our heads likes to say. So, I didn’t expect that somehow, these “nice” adoptive mothers that I wrote with would be ready to cause a real ruckus and help the adoption blogosphere to really promote change .

 And so, over a lovely dinner Saturday night as we drank wine; I not only heard the most marvelous and grandiose ideas flowing out of my companions mouths, but I heard them come out of their hearts. And, I also saw a determination and a mutual desire to make this change happen. It brought both tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

And when we walked out of that restaurant, I felt the same sensation that I did when I walked down the street after the Louisville Protest and Party. That it IS possible and that we CAN make it reality and somehow, someplace, in this life time, enough of us DO care, from all sides and from all unlikely places and we CAN change the world: WE CAN FIX ADOPTION…together.

Yes, ALL Together, we are powerful..

And so, while adoption still rides high on a shallow surface in my heart and I still see all the things lost in my life through adoption, this is not one of them. Again, I am humbled by the amazing people that this journey has brought to my life and the amazing friendships with incredible strong and GOOD people and I am only so happy to be part of it.

BlogHer done. More work ahead. Exhausted again, yet so renewed.