Tragic Crash Ends Adoption Search of Lehigh Valley PA Girl Born March 26, 1988
I know quite a few adoptees from Pennsylvania, but I didn’t know Alyssa Rachel Toner. I only learned about her today, as yet another news article with adoption as a keyword passed through my alert system. I read an article about her, then her obituary, then I watched her video and then I cried. I didn’t know her at all so I can’t miss her, or mourn her in any right way, yet still her sad passing just strikes deep horrible fear and makes me imagine a loss, a future, so horrific that shivers are sent down my spine.
I am sad for her tragic death, I am sad for her parents, I am sad for her fiancé and friends, but I cry for her mother. Somewhere out there, another birthmother has just had one of the worst tricks of fate played upon her.
Saddest Adoption Searches: Finding a Grave
Alyssa had been adopted at birth. She’s a PA adoptee, so her records were sealed and even though she registered at the state adoption registry, it’s a mutual consent registry and her mother did not also sign up. Like so many adoptees who have turned to social media in the recent weeks in hopes that the viral share component could mean a successful reunion contact, Alyssa made a video.
- On February 13th, she uploaded to YouTube.
- On February 20th, she spoke to a reporter about her potential viral adoption search.
- On March 2nd, she was in the fatal car crash that took her life.
Her search is over. If her mother is to look for her ever, she will find a grave.
This Birthmothers Worst Fear
Easily, the worst fear of any mother, any parent. Probably the worst fear of almost all birthmothers, dare I guess? I know I worried about it, but it was that deep dark silent worry; the kind you dare not talk about least the God’s hear you and think you are testing the fates. It’s so dark that you really can’t talk to anyone about it if you even have someone that you can talk honestly about the relinquishment experience with. It’s so awful to even entertain, that I know I don’t even allow myself to think about such things. Not only, do I fear the God’s retribution, but the waves of pure emotion if I even allow myself to even “go there” are too intense. I shield myself from that thought, but I will admit now, I feared it.
What if something terrible had happened to Max and there was nothing left at the end of 18 years?
Proof of Life, End of Fears
Yes, that fear was so there for me that on that night, July 7, 2004, when I found that final listing that confirmed that THIS was my child. When I read the online running stats from his high school listing recent dates and had strong proof of life; the mantra I sung to myself as I finally went to bed that early morning was:
He’s alive. He’s OK. I know where he is. He’s OK. He breathes. He’s alive.
The nightmare fantasy was only needless worry, and thankful does not begin to describe the relief and gracefulness. Hands down, it was the worst fear of them all; to find out that the child you had placed for adoption had died before you ever found them again.
The passing of Alyssa Toner has that tragic irony as she had just really actively started searching for her birthmother again and now this. I am actually torn as I write this.
Is it honoring to talk about the death of a young woman I did know because I am so moved by emotions? Alyssa is very close in age to my Max; a mere 4 plus months younger. Her birthmother and I had overlapping pregnancies, though we are supposedly three years apart in age. It is normal for me to imagine a similar fate , remember the fear, and know she will be denied that sweet relief. Identification is normal, but do I dare write about it?
Does one hope that we take on her search and help spread the video virally as she wished people to do? She wanted to get that message to her original mother, that she loved her, but is that message cruel after her sad death? On one hand, her mother had not registered, but then we know, so many mothers and adoptees never know they can, or where, or how to really search. We can make the very educated guess and assume that Alyssa’s mother HAS thought of her over the years, so will she search on her own eventually? Or was she waiting, like so many of us were taught in the “Official Birthmother Rulebook” that good birthmothers didn’t intrude upon an adoptee, but waited patiently, in the wings, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs if possible, until the adoptee seeks them out? Is a cruelty or a kindness to end her wait? Would I want to know? Yes, I would want to be able to find the truth no matter how horrible it was. I could not have waited any more, but my internal time clock can be vastly different that this unknown birthmother. I go back and forth, as I said, torn.
All I Can Do: Make it Easy for Alyssa’s Mother to Find Her Daughter
Alyssa’s video is hauntingly silent. There is no sappy background music or voice over. All one hears is the rustle of the loose leaf paper that Alyssa’ wrote her message on. The camera is steady and the full frame remains on the messages boldly written in black marker. She had nice handwriting, but we never see her face. She says that meeting her mother would be a dream come true. It’s all horrible sad. Right now, it only has 498 views on it and as I said, I think I am almost comforted that it hasn’t gone fully viral…too soon, too soon, not yet. Like I keep imagining her mother finding out on the day of her funeral or something and want to make that another dark use of excessive imagination. I don’t want to read another ironic news story. Do I embed the video here or not? Really..I am torn.
ETA: I think the community has spoken, this post is getting shared, so I shall embed, Plus, I took Dan’s advice int he comments and I have a full copy of the video saved on my hard drive here, so if the video DOES go away, I can add it back again.
What I do know, though, is that Alyssa was searching and cannot finish her search. She made the video, but it does not show up in searches for her birth date. The article about her adoption birthmother search does not seem have been published. The news stories about her death, do, right now, but as time passes, news articles like these get achieved and fall way down on the search rankings. Maybe her search will be forgotten completely. Maybe her account will be taken down, the video eventually deleted and, if her birthmother ever does decide to search, she will never find anything at all.
The message will be lost.
This is what I can help preserve: That a Female Adoptee, called Baby Wagner, lived as Alyssa Toner, born on March 26, 1988, at Lehigh Valley Hospital in Allentown, PA was searching for her birthmother. Sadly, she passed away on March 3, 2013, but she had a message for her mother:
Hello there!
My name is Alyssa.
I was born on March 26th, 1988 at Lehigh Valley Hospital Allentown PA.
I was adopted at birth. My mother was sixteen years old. I have never met her.
I am very blessed to have a loving family who made sure they did not hide the adoption form me. I could not ask for better parents.
However…I would very much like to meet my birthmother.
There was a pastor that acted as a go between both families. My mom and I ran into said pastor t a Home Depot when I was thirteen. He took one look at me and said, “WOW, you look JUST like you mother!”
I have written countless essays, papers etc. about her because I owe my life to HER.
I filed official paperwork with the court to let her know I wanted to be found. She, however, did not.
I was devastated for years. Not a day goes by that I do don’t think about her, wonder where she is, what she’s doing, if she ever wonders about me.
It’s been TWENTY FIVE YEARS now. So I guess what I’m trying to do, is reach out, hoping this will get me closer, so, MOM… Should you see this, I can’t pretend to know how painful this may be, So I have already entertained the idea that you want nothing to do with me. I picture you with a great life, wonderful family, and I don’t want to screw that up for you. I don’t want anything from you. I just need to know that you’re out there somewhere. It would be a dream come true to meet you face to face. I have years of unanswered questions for you. On the other hand, should you see this and still not want to meet, I will understand and leave you alone.
All I want to do is say THANK YOU. You are the reason I am Alive when I am sure at the time, an abortion would seem an easier option. So I literally owe you my life. Thank you, Mom! And no matter what, I love you. And I hope to hear from you. My email is alyssarachael@gmail.com Thank you for watching.
Alyssa named the video a catchy “How to Meet Your Mother“. From all outward glances, she looked to have been a happy adoptee who had a happy life. I can only hope that her mother, should she ever look for Alyssa, finds comfort in that. I’m going to attach the related articles and the obituary so she can read about her daughter’s life and find the names of the adoptive parents. Perhaps they would share some of Alyssa’s writings with her birthmother. That would be a true gift in such a sad adoption tale.
How You Meet Your Daughter
And somewhere, there is a woman close to my age, I don’t know her either. She’s 42 / 43 and she will probably be thinking about Alyssa on her 25th birthday coming up on just a few weeks, this March 26th. If she ever searches, be it years from now, may she find her daughter’s message to her, her words of love, know she was happy, and be able to look upon, just once, her beautiful face.
They say she looked just like you.
If you have Firefox, install Download Helper. Then go to the YouTube page and swipe the video. Post it here. I know you’re torn about that, but do it. You already have all the other elements in place to allow the information to be searched on Google.
Alyssa’s mom deserves to be able to see Alyssa’s message as well as her picture. She will need that “I love you.”
Oh good idea. I shall do that. I wasn’t going to even embed it, but considering that this post IS getting shared, then the community has spoken.
I think we are taking on making this viral if possible.
Oh and if you want, also link to the YouTube page below the embedded video. But if you have the video here, it won’t matter if the YouTube account goes away.
The saddest thing is, if I had seen the YouTube video when she first posted it, or had she been referred to me, I probably could have found her mother.
I am so curious on who u are.even though alyssa has left us I know she wanted to meet her mother. I worked with her and that is all talked about for the two years we worked together. How could u have helped her and can we still do. I think she will still like that.
Hi Kathy,
I am just another birthmother really, but I spend most of my time talking about adoption, this blog as an example to get our stories and truth known.. and for Adoptee Rights so people like Alyssa CAN get their Original birth certificates so she could have had her mother’s name.. which would have made any search much easier. We, the collective, are Adoptionland.. made up of more birthmothers and fathers, adoptees, and adoptive parents who support truth speaking of adoption.And as a collective, we are pretty good at making noise online. There are many. So, if we had found her video in time, it would have been shared and promoted like so many of the social media searches are. Thre are a bunch of examples on this post towards the bottom; http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/an-open-letter-to-the-news-media/; plus also, the network of search angles are great with finding people, so Alyssa might have luck with them. But it is the bottom line of collective sharing and support that would have been the main goal..can we still do that? Yes, we could, yet that is the quandary. As a mother, finding out my child was searching and then passed, it’s going to be beyond terrible, so I don’t think we should do that yet. Like to be found mere days after the chance is lost is so cruel. Though it will be horrible either way.. I Cannot force another human to face that maybe before they are wanting to know the truth. Does that make sense? And that’s really why the post is here. IF her mother does search, she WILL find this page and the video and Alyssa’s message to her. I just checked to make sure.. in adoption searches the only thing to often go by is the birthdate, so google “march 26 1988 adoptee” and you land here. I do NOT delete, so this is a safe place for it to stay and wait. I think if maybe, as someone who knew her.. if you want to revisit the idea maybe next year at this time (birthdays are important and her mother will be thinking about her for sure) then, we can make a real effort to spread it far and wide until maybe someone recognizes her face, the names, the birthrate. Especially if you think she would like that….whether we found her in time, or she found the adoption community online.. we are family.. and she is one of us. Even if she is gone. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.
I am truly saddened:( My sons were born March 25th,1986, so they were very close in age. Again, what does one say, when we read , hear, or live these journeys. I can so remember wondering, worrying, and praying , for over 8000 days! 8(
I could not read this post without crying. Alyssa was my age. 25 years without knowing your roots is too long. I understand her longing and sincerity in her search. I just wish her mother had the chance to meet her wonderful daughter. This post is going to haunt me.
Thank you for picking up the story about Alyssa and saving it somewhere. I hope that some day, I can share the story of Alyssa with her birth mom or other family members, and show them where Alyssa grew up and share all the wonderful stories. My husband has kept a journal for many years. Alyssa was extremely talented and smart. she had some tough times in her life too. Sometimes serious illness and sometimes heartaches, but she was renewing her relationship with Christ,turning into a mature young lady. We wished we could have had her longer, but that was not God’s Plan. As her adoptive parents, we saw God’s hand in how she came to live with us. If you didn’t hear the story, We picked up Baby Wagner (Alyssa) at McDonalds Restaurant, and she went back to the Lord in the accident after a trip to McDonalds.
I just returned form a family vacation and am now realizing the true weight of your comment. Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your daughter.
As you could read, I had some internal struggles on the propriety of this post, so your gratitude takes away the weight of my worries. And I will share in your hope that one day you can tell Alyssa’s other family about how she lived.
This, “We picked up Baby Wagner (Alyssa) at McDonalds Restaurant, and she went back to the Lord in the accident after a trip to McDonalds.” gives me chills…While I do not often like to see Divine intervention in adoption, I would grasp to that symbolism as well. How could one not?
Again, I am so sorry. And from one mother who knows grief, to another, I wish you a safe passage through the dark journey as you learn to live without your child. Be kind to yourself and, when all else fails, just breathe.
Hi Mrs. Toner, I was one of Alyssa’s co-worker at the office And she always talked About having a journal and stories Of things that she did through her lifetime, and from hearing the stories at the viewing she was a very adventurous person but yet so quiet. We miss her very much at the office. Please keep in touch! I hope one day her story gets out there and her birth mother is able to here her stories and see the great life she had with you guys. She loved u very much.
This is so sad and touching. I thank you (through tears) for sharing this for Alyssa and all adoptees and birth parents that may be searching and yearning. My thoughts and prayers are for all who knew her, and the birth parents who will hopefully get to know her through her story.
Please do NOT attempt to drop SEO links for adoption agencies on this blog ( and most especially on THIS post) I will allow the rest of your comment to stand only because it does relate to the post. This will be the only request made of this kind. The next time anyone associated with your website drops links here, I will expose your site for every possible fault and piece of adoption misinformation I can find. I will also make sure that I outrank your SEO for your site name and anyone looking for your services will find my scathing review first. Please take note and have a swell day.
I just watched katie, Katie Couric’s talk show. It was about adoption. It made me think of an amazing story about a birth mother and son that worked together at a Home Depot, but never knew they were mother and son. I think I saw this story years ago on Oprah. When I tried searching for that story, I came across this story. My heart is broken for Alyssa’s adopting family and her birth mother. Tears are streaming down my face. What a tragic ending.
I am a birth mother from Wisconsin. My daughter was born at Cedar Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California. She is twelve years old. I always wonder what she is like, how her voice sounds, if she knows that she is adopted, if she is going to look for me, etc.
Dear Shannon,
I just wanted to tell you that your 12 year old daughter will want to know you. It is very important you make sure you file any legal papers that are required in your state or the state she was adopted in, so when she turns 18 she can find you. Get your information out there with the web, so she might be able to also locate you. You are her roots. Adoptive parents are thankful to birth mothers. They just want the opportunity to love a child everyday in their home and live a life of growing up together. They will have many things they want to share with you, and many pictures, but they also want to love you for you gave them a gift they consider most precious and who they would stand behind in all situations, and that would include you as an adult in her life.
Hi Shannon,
I agreed with Mrs. Toner. I worked with Alyssa and she wanted to findher mom very much but was very upset when she filed papers and her mom did not so it became so much more work for her but she always had it in her heart that she was out there. I miss her very much. But, please do that’s cause when she is old enough to fnd you that is the first step.
Kathy
Claudia, Thank you for posting your thoughts about this and the video. I was not able to see her video at the service but heard about it. After reading your perspective of things, I pushed back the lump in my throat and pressed play. It was hard when I saw just the momentary glimpse of her face… It’d been years since I last saw her. It was hard to read some of her words twisted with an unexpected reality. However, although you may view this as a sad or morbid thought, I’ll put it out there. What if through this sad accident, through no fault or intention of anyone, she actually got to meet her mother that sad night. What if, her mother was also a believer in the saving Grace of Jesus’ death on the cross, and also through some situation out of her control, she too found herself in the presence of God? Could it be that they are in heaven now celebrating and praising God together?
And if her mother is still alive, there is still the hope too that the day will come that they will be found in His Presence, praising Him.
I look forward to the day when I can reunited with Alyssa and others who have gone before me and worship God in the most wonderful place. Together again.
Of course only God knows where we will spend eternity but I have hope that I will see her and others there someday.
Ruthann, I see you are commenting on here. If you see this, I would love to touch base with you.
Hi Sarah,
Actually, Terry and I also, have had the same thought. Alyssa was so focused on meeting her mother. The story was to be published on the Sunday before she died, and she had put the information about the video on her facebook page. She was anxiously waiting for opinions. She shared her hurt that family had not commented on her video creation at a family birthday party on Saturday, and the dissappontment of not seeing it in the paper. We were anxiously waiting to the next Sunday to see if her interview would be in the paper. It also turned out that family members didn’t comment, because they had not been on facebook all week. All these dissappointments she felt,days before she died, did make us feel like God had reached down and said,”I know where your mother is and it is time to meet her and come home to me.” We always shared with Alyssa, what we knew about her birth parents. The family attended a Pentecostal Church, so we knew their faith in Christ was active, and they stipulated that Christians must be the adoptive parents. We knew that Alyssa’s birth parents cared about each other,and were quiet humble people, like Alyssa. They were afraid, and had no way to provide due to their circumstances. There are many things that happened in that week of Alyssa’s death, that I look at now and realize that God was giving us special time together. What hurts the most, is that I was looking forward to a weekend visit and the opportunity to offer her better support,in more that one way, as I felt I had been too preoccupied and tired earlier to give my best during the other two visits that week. God is always teaching us. Thank-you for coming to the service and for staying. Your children are beautiful and you and your parents are always amazing in reaching out with Christian Love. Take care and God Bless,
Ruthanne Toner
Ruthanne and Sarah,
Yes everyday I go to work I think the same thing the wat-ifs. I wish I could have gotten to know her better cause after she passed away we learned so much more of her that I was amazed at her talents. I also think that maybe this was the answer to her search and maybe she is in heaven with her birth mother. We miss and love her dearly.
Kathy
Mr. And mrs. Toner,
Thank you for your beautiful card you gave us the other day. Everyday I look at it but I am afraid to respond. I would like to meet with you guys but its hard for me. Why? Don’t know. I miss Alyssa very much and I feel like there is no closure cause I was never to say good bye just a see you on Monday. So please If you get this I hope that maybe you give me a little more time. Me and my husband and daughter would love to get together but trill this day I can’t stop the tears.
Kathy
Dear Kathy,
Thanks for writing on this site to Terry & I. Yes, it is very hard to handle each day. You are a very kind and caring person, who was a wonderful friend for Alyssa. Slowly, very slowly, the tears get a little less. Today was the first day I did not cry all the way home. I hope to heal enough to make a difference because of Alyssa. There are many things we want to do because of who she was, but are still overwhelmed. I feel especially sad that we did not organize the engagement party that she wanted. with all her family and friends. I guess that is why I need to meet the friends that she talked with and worked with all the time. There are many lost opportunities, dreams, and hopes that we think of.
Hi Mr. and Mrs. Toner,
I just wanted to see if you and I can give each others e-mails to keep in contact that way. My e-mail is pebbles6915@yahoo.com. I also would like to set up a time and date that we can get together with my husband and Sophia.
Kathy
Hello,
I just wanted to share my support for you in trying to help find Alyssa’s mom. I feel a deep kinship with her because she could be me. I gave up a son for adoption in 1991 when I was a 19 year old. It was an open adoption with an adoption attorney arranging it, but they lived several states away, and I was not a part of his life. They promised pictures of him up to the age of 5. I did not receive anymore after about the age of 18 mos. After that, nothing. The next time I saw his face was when in April of 2012, I came across his obituary and discovered he had died in Dec. 2011, at the age of 20. After finding his birthfather, who also still lives in the same city as I do, he decided to call the adoptive father. We found out our son had committed suicide. I have been devastated by the realization that a reunion can now never happen. My life is very difficult. But at least I did find out the truth about him, even though I have many questions that will never be answered. I do have conversations via email with the adoptive father. The mother does not communicate with me. They had divorced a few years prior to his death and he had been very depressed, taking anti-depression meds, had substance abuse issues, and I really know very little else. I hate to say I regret giving him up, at the time it seemed that was all I could do. But now I wonder. Though they provided for him very well, and he wanted for nothing, obviously something went terribly wrong. The best thing Alyssa’s mother will have to hold onto is that her daughter was happy, living a great life. If the adoption search has to end in this awful way, at least one wants to have that. I am unsure if my son was truly happy where he was. I think about whether or not I could have done better, even if I didn’t have the money they did. It’s a horrible thing to have to live with. So I am glad for her that she can tell herself, at least, she did give her daughter a great life.
Dear HG,
Your story is heartrentching. We visited a grief group, and learned there are many 16 to 21 year olds that die from overdoses. Often, a child is trying to understand who they are and who they will become in life and being liked by peers is so important. If you think of your own life at that age, it was a time of turmoil and insecurity. Adoptive parents in their love for their child, get doctors or counselors and often a child is given a mood enhancer to get them through this time of life. Chemical imbalances in a teen’s brain cause the sickness of not seeing reality clearly. In the case of some teens, if they are taking a drug and then stop suddenly they can die. Or the drug isn’t working and a doctor might increase the dose with bad results. The “If Only I Had” is a parents worst nightmare, when their loved child is no longer here. When our daughter went to college, we also experienced a rough time in our relationship. If our daughter had died at that time, we would have had guilt too much to bear. Your son’s adoptive parents are also in constant pain over what happened. Try to ask the father again, to at least make copies of pictures and share by writting down stories about those pictures, possible sports, and fun activities they did or places they went. Find out the names of his friends that might be able to share more. Comfort is gained when you get to know more about your son, because I am sure he did have good times. The more you discover, will help you keep his memory alive for the day you are together again in heaven. If you have other children, share his memory with them, so they can also hold him in their hearts. I hope to hear from you that you have success about learning more about your son’s personality and times of happiness.
My husband and I will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Hi Ruthanne,
So nice to have an empathetic ear. I did not think to look back at this post until now because I did not know if anyone would see it or not. I have become very accustomed to keeping my grief to myself, since no one else in my family knows of him. (Other than my own parents, who do not speak of the whole thing and I doubt ever will. But that is probably just as well, I don’t want them to know because besides the fact it would devastate them, it would reinforce in their minds that I made a bad decision. They were strongly opposed to the adoption all along and very angry with me for a long time.)
My son actually killed himself with a gun. I think it would have been easier to accept if it had been drugs because I could tell myself he might not have meant to do it. However, the way he took his life, it was quite plain that he wasn’t going to leave anything to chance. It was very sudden and violent.
The adoptive mother will not communicate with me. They were divorced when he was 16 (only child) but the father does. He has been very gracious and provided pictures of him. He looked so much like me it is hard to look at them. My other children look pretty much nothing like me, only my husband. It was so shocking to see that.
I have gotten some info. from the father about my child’s difficulties. But he was a very smart, well-liked, kid. Had friends, privileged schooling, very good at hockey, baseball, golf, etc., planning on being a doctor. It is impossible to understand how a kid with everything going could throw it all away. I know the father and he were very close. He had texted his father that he loved him right before he took his life. The father has made comments about disagreeing with his ex about my son’s medications and has said “he didn’t know what went on in that house after I left”. I wish he wouldn’t have said such things. I have to live with wondering and imagining the worst about it.
I know he was loved. They have set up a memorial hockey camp in his name, and planted a huge tree in the park with his name in it. I do get nice emails occasionally from the father about these things and how he has encountered a few situations were he felt my son was communicating with him in certain ways.
However, I get to live with nothing. Never knowing him. Never being able to share about him. My husband seems to not want to hear about it. Two of my children are too young and my oldest has asperbergers so he could not comprehend the situation yet either, I have not told them. So I live alone with this terrible grief and wish so much I could have him back. Additionally, I have health problems that limit my life a great deal. I’m unable to work the last 3 years so I have little distraction other than the daily mundane, so my thoughts are always about my son and what he must have gone through. How I loathe the fact that what I did to him might have contributed to his suicide. It has made me so depressed I can’t even begin to describe it. I am just glad I found this place where I can share a little with people who understand and vent my grief. Thanks. Your prayers are so appreciated.
Dear HG,
I am sorry that I have not checked E-mails lately, and then did not get the chance to write to you until now.
I am glad that you felt comfortable talking about and sharing your grief. From what you said, I still believe, your son’s death was most likely a result of medication, since the father commented about a disagreement on the medication. Some medications for depression can affect people different ways and can cause deliberate suicidal thoughts. Our pastor just talked about that this sunday in his sermon. When he experienced tremendous grief, that was followed by months of depression and physical ailments and the medication that he was given to get better caused him to have suicidal thoughts. The loss of your son, will be forever with you and you do need to share your hurt, your what ifs, your sadness, his pictures, and his life with your family, but it sounds like both your husband and parents might be overwhelmed in helping to care for 3 children and seeing you not well, that they most likely want to close their minds to any additional emotion. I believe, in the future, they will want to know about your son; but, first they will need to see that you are strong. You can not be fake and create 2 different worlds; but you can plan for the time you will be sharing and what you want to share with your family, along with a plan of getting stronger. Do you know how much joy you are bringing to your son’s adoptive father? Plenty ! Especially if your son looked like you! The adoptive father, has nothing. He had one child to raise, your son was his greatest priority and greatest love, and now all his hopes and dreams for a family are gone. When he sees your face, He has peace, or talks to you, or shares with you; he has the opportunity to say his name and keep his memory alive in your family. It is too soon for your family to understand. Plan for the time that your children will be told they had a brother. Make up an album with the information about your son, his pictures, where he lived, all his accomplishments, write a letter, as to the reasons that you felt he should be adopted. If you get stronger, your husband will be stronger and he will be open to keeping the memory of your other son, part of your family. Right now He is most likely concerned about your children and bringing them. You are also honoring your sons memory, when the relationships you build with your children are happy and joyful, so they will be better at understanding when you share your story. I wish that I could find my daughters birth family, so who she was could live on with that family. Please Love and Grow your family with Joy. See every moment as special. Your responsibilities are great with a big family. Play with your little ones. If you want to share privately, my Email is dandline@ptd.net Ruthanne
I am an adoptee and a birth mother. About 3 weeks ago, we found out that our son passed away 10 months earlier at age 17. His birth father and I ( we ended up getting married about 3 years after placing him for adoption) and his 3 full blood siblings were devistated. We have only had contact with his adoptive parents through the adoption agency. We use to receive letters and pictures of him. Now, I know where he lived, buried, schools, his name. Almost everything. But I cannot seek out any additional information about him from his friends or girlfriend as this might upset his family. So we are left, it feels, to figure all this out ourselves. The emotions we are feeling and going through, what is right to do now what isn’t. We are starting grief counseling and I am in constant contact with the agency hoping his parents will contact them about maybe wanting to meet us. I truly feel this would be healing for both sets of family. This is such a unique situation that there isn’t much advice that is out there for birthparents going through this. Seems the old school thought process is still there. You gave the child up, move on. But it doesn’t work that way.
Oh, Mary. I am so very sorry to hear this. How horrible that they didn’t think to contact you at the time of his passing. I see that as cruelty.
Now WHO is saying that you cannot contact the family or his friends? The agency? Because I have to say; I wouldn’t listen to them! If you know who he is now, then you can just go right around that agency and I would contact his family directly. I would write a kind heartfelt letter as ask if you could not meet; that this will be the only chance, and you hope they would be open to meeting you in time.
In reading the story of Alyssa, i am brought to tears. in 1982, i had a daughter “Shannon Leigh”. due to my addiction and lifestyle, she was taken from me at six weeks old. while in rehab, one of my goals was to make a decision about my daughter. i gave her up for adoption when she was 20 months old, thinking it best for her. i had no support, i feared the future, she deserved “better” i was told. In the years that followed, made calls, registered on websites and got no information – i had no “rights”. i packed this pain in a little corner of my heart. Everyone in my life told me to forget. When the laws changed in PA, I registered with the Commonwealth. i wanted to be found, i wanted to meet my daughter, i was hopeful. Less than six months later, I received a letter that “Shannon” had passed away in September 2000. She was 18 and loved by all who knew her. No social media, no pictures, just an obit and some facts. I did a lot of research and have a few photos. I’ve written the adoptive parents and they didn’t reply. i can’t imagine the depth of their pain. i recently found out who her boyfriend was and am considering writing him. I still have a hard time reaching out – i don’t want to be turned down again. This whole thing has been surreal. i know that we’ll meet again on the other side and we’ll recognize each other right away. i have that faith and vision. But the here and now hurts. grief comes and goes. the worst part of this is that i waited, i didn’t push for information, i thought i did all i could and she would find me. my advice to anyone who’s searching – don’t wait another minute. life is short.