I have not broken my fingers or fallen into a well. For some weird reason..and looking abck this has happened every once in a while..I just lack the desire to be here.
Part of me thinks that I am just scared. I have a lot on my plate and NIARA as the possible small potential to be huge..but it is huge and I have to put myself out there in a huge way..and that is scarey. Is it that self desteructive thingy coming out of the box..fear of sucess..fear of flying? Being aware of these things is half the battle, but being aware doesn’t always make it managable either. Internal stuggles ensue.
And then, there are things I find depressing at times..or just uninspiring. I feel overwhelmed often…so much to do..and so I sit and spin and can’t DO anything. I feel fustrated..and I walk away…I go garden and reset my equallibruim. I can’t change adoption RIGHT NOW and so instead I shall get feelings of satsfaction form newly painted porch furniture. So I paint my antique metal chairs happy bright colors and think about adoption..or even sometimes not..but I still feel gulity that I am not here…
But when I am here..I feel guilty too. Rye asked me a few weeks ago if all this would ever make me feel regretful. That after the kids are grown will I feel like I missed out on parenting becasue I was logged on. Part of me says no..I am teaching my children to work hard and make things happen, that other thigs in life matter and are worth faighting for, that we all have a personal responsiblity to fight for justice however we can…..and yet, the sunny days of summer DO call to me, we have been relaxing a bit more…which is huge for me..and we are getting things very needed done around the house. Yes, it does give me great joy to look in my back yard and NOT see the ramshakeled old fence half eaten by the dog and looking very getto. But then I have to help Rye fix the fence..a very worthwile job this weekend completed…but then I am not here again. Does it matter to Rye? Yeah. Does it matter to the kids..yeah. Does it matter to the adoption world? I wonder.
And thats the thing too. If I was just to dissapear now..really…would it matter? For some reason right now I need to know that it would. Me and my crazy pipe dreams…does it really matter at all? Certain things happening with different people, different groups, different situations have made me allow myself to wonder..to self doubt..or is that just fear talking? Am I allowing fear to take hold instead of pushing it back and following on? Where are those reserves of strenght and grandious visions? Have I actually listened to those who have analysed me and taken me down? Is it my ego bruised that needs a pump up? Is it trust?
I just don’t know.
I watched the Star Wars special last night..and was bolstered for a moment by the commentary. One of the last quotes was from Linda Elerbee saying that Star Wars shows us that “a few people CAN make a difference and THAT is how change happens”..and it made me think…gee..maybe that’s why I am/was such a big dreamer..I adore Star Wars. OMG I just want to be Princess Leia. Oh but wait..I am more like Queen Amadela..she lost her babies too.
I have a healing weekend this week with Joe Soll…at first I was like “Oh I will go and it will be great to see people, but I am ok..damn I hope I am not expected to cry” but now I am more like…damn…I NEED this!!! I need something to light my fire and help work though this shit coz I am just feeling lost right now.
And to top ot off my computer is acting real funky…slow and weird and fustrating and my Dreamweaver is not being good and the NIARA website redirects are being stupid too..and calls to get that fixed are not helping as they are “unanswered?”..more questions there. More doubts.
And so I whine on..and then I get the call yesterday from Mark. She tried to overdose on sleeping pills again yesterday. I was at Snappers with Miranda having my first Bloody Mary ever..and mentioned her probably while it was happening.
After two weeks at the hospital she was home, but living in the basement and hating it. I talked to her briefly but she wasn’t into it at all I could tell. Mark had called me the day before the call to her..saying that she felt like she had no friends, etc…but also that she was very paraniod and feeling that we were out to get her..Mad at another good old friend who told her to stop being a jerk etc. So I want to not cross that line to the “other” side…be there for her, but not hound…yet…thats was not enough either.
Aparently the meds or her own cycle have worked her out of the manic phase, but it was a big one so the depression is just as big now.
And yesterday she tried to die.
Right now that poor man is just trying to keep her alive. God bless him he is doing it, but what a toll on him, on her kids..I can only see what it means to me right now..and again..I am 100 miles away…separated. Which of course meakes me feel just as bad as it did when my mother was sick and dying of cancer and I was here and she was on LI. And yet, oh…how I can relish that spearation…bring in the denail my old freind..out of sight, out of mind, not really my life.
But it is.
Rye hugged me last night and told me that she would be OK. Of course he doesn’t really know that and neither do I. I find myself beginning to imagine what it means to have your best friend die. Is it preparation? Is it self defense? I know in my darkest moments ebfore Garin’s Open Heart surgery I tired to imagine losing him too. Just for small seconds, to feel it out, to imagine if I could survive that. And if course, good old adoption does something amazing to oneself….indestructable we are…for a moment I think I could not take it, and then something says yes you can. I sometimes hate that about myself…they call it strenght, but to me it is coldness in my heart. Go ahead, I dare them, and die..take more people from me…I will not break.
Yet, I do not want more loss into my life. I always imagined if something happened to me, it would be Laura who told my children stories about me, what I was really like, my spirit, our antics..and now I wonder..is that to be my role for Ruby? Am I the keeper of her mothers stories? I don’t want that job. And then fear sets in. I aways feared getting cancer and then my mother did…do I “know” and yet not know exactly how these forces come into our lives? I imagined Laura going though my things after my death, but am I the one who has these jobs? And how much loss in ones life is one suppose to endure?? Dammit I am suppose to be done! When is this karma kicking in???
And I find myself getting angry at her. Rye says she is just being dumb, but I know that she would not really choose this to happen to her family,to her life..that it is something bigger and stronger than her…but still..OMG..she has really never had to deal with anything..it was always exactly how she wanted it and for THIS she gets to try to check out! No way..I want to call bullshit…I want to yell at her and say YOU don’t have any issues!!! You don’t get to be weak…DEAL with it and get better.
I have soooo much in my head with this..so expect more…but right now I have to get tristan form schol..and it is a beautiful day..and yeah, I have more chairs to paint.
At least I can fix them. Adoption and Laura….I’m lost right now. Treading water. Crying.
I got nothing but hugs, sweetie.
I have some hugs too. I am so sorry your friend is going through this right now. Here is you need me.
Jenn
hugs. so feel for you. if i can do anything, let me know. happy to drive up your way and be a distraction of some sort. (my latest hair color is pretty sweet you would like it).
lots of love to you and your friend. take care of you both.
depression is a serious disease.
no matter if you suffered trauma in your life or not.
suffering from depression can lead to suicide. it is an ILLNESS.
you cant talk someone out of it and you cant change what it is they are going through.
all you can do is be there for them and let them know you really care.
I have suffered from depression most of my life. and people who havent really experienced it make a lot of statements and opinions without really understanding the fact that it is a medical problem and has nothing to do with a personal choice. suicide is a way of ending a HUGE PAIN. while all of us go thru pain at some point in our lives, people with mental health issues will struggle with it for life. its a very different pain requring serious medical attention. somehow because we think its ’emotional’ we think we can talk ppl out of being down, or they should just snap out of it.they cant. otherwise they would have already.
Oh Claud.
I’m so sorry.
I’m worn down too. It’s okay to feel that way.
I’m so incredibly sorry about your friend.
(((hugs))) Claud…
I want you to know, YES you do matter. You matter to adoption, and you matter to your family. Times are tough for you right now… you do have a lot on your plate. Take time when you need to. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
In terms of your friend… I can empathize, I have a couple friends going through similar situations. I think it is the times we are living, and probably lots of other things.
If u need anything… I am here.
oh boy,, so much , first surprise,
you are here, and yes you have been missed, I check often/.
BUT where have I been, in the same Oasis, god I hate that word now do that place,, you know the one I talk about, but I suppose I have created my own Oasis, one away from Adoption. Am I in denial again, pushing away unwanted feelings that need facing, I don’t know.
all I do know is soaking up my kids, sunshine, plants, the garden, just like you these little projects, they all feel so good.
Its ok,
It is called life, and living.
It is not selfish to indulge in these things.
Listen we get one chance here, do as you wish when you want, you can come back to work when you are ready it will always be here,
Live in the now as you wish and do not look back.
No regrets.
Be proud,
I understand your friends sickness I am so sorry, part of what she needs to do is take control of her illness, it can be very hard. I know I live it to. Sometimes we are so deep into our hole with self discust that we can not crawl out, we feel that we are so useless ugly that everyone would be better off with out us.
To convince us otherwise it a tough job, but it can be done, and the people who love her can do it.
I hope.
I have been there and I remember thinking my children could have another mother, one better then me, so I sat with those pills and contimplated a life for them without me. A better life.
It is a deep dark trick the mind is playing on her.
Oh Claude, I am so sorry, it pains the ones that love her so much. If only she could see that right now.
She is in that hole so deep.
I am thinking of you, and praying for her.
Just live, do as you wish and have no regrets, live each day as it is your last. You are such a special gift to so many of us, I want to see you living each day with contenment.
Keep enjoying your time,,no guilt for it ok. It is yours, was given to you.
Much love ani
Hey girl, I am glad that you let us know what is going on. I was beginning to get worried. We all have felt what you feel. You said yourself that you are going through a quiet moment.
Your friend is in my prayers. I hope that God gives a blast of strength.
claud, you didn’t put 3 years into this to walk away now. I consider this the calm before the storm! Take a nice long summer filled break and spoil yourself. Take some time off for you and your family. Let everyone wait for a while, its FINE!! But DO know this, you are missed, i have been checking your blog and checking your blog and wishing I had YOUR number, because I would have been calling! Take a break, you need and deserve it!!! don’t listen to those threatened by you, sheild them away with that strength you have from your gut!! that strenth you always pull out at the right time. CLAUD, WE NEED YOU, and YOU ARE MISSED. I’ll be here when you’re ready to return. The protest is going off the hook!
My dreamweaver is working perfectly, is there something I can do for you?
i’m sorry for your friend, she is in my prayers, how stupid of me to leave that out of my last post…
Claud, glad to hear from you!I’ve been checking for posts – hoping that you were just enjoying the nice weather with your kids.
You DO matter a great deal, and I am glad that we are on the same team! You will be part of some big changes, and inspire others.
It is healthy to step back sometimes too though and enjoy your family (a beautiful one, I might one) and live your life. Recover and come back when you are ready. We will be here, ready and waiting for you!
Hugs,
Jan
oops, – I meant to say – A beautiful one, I might add.
Claud, I’m thinking about you babe.
-Sunny
Claud,
So sorry that you are having some tough times. I miss you but want you to take care of yourself and your family. And your friend who is hurting. Big hugs.
Happy G’Ma
You are definately missed.
I think Ani said it best, though. Soak up some sun… you can fight the good fight and still take a break when you are over burdened with it. Better than running yourself into the ground. Then come back renewed.
Condolences on the situation with your friend. That is so rough.
Take some Claud time – we wont feel let down and you certainly wont be forgotten about. ((HUG))
Claud – channelling Ani and co. Soak up the sun and rest on your laurels (of which you’ve got lots).
Things come in cycles, and nothing keeps a Claud down for long.
Enjoy painting those chairs.
I know your support is important to your friend (even though you can’t make things better for her), and especially to Mark and the kids. Even when real friends are far away it makes a difference knowing they care.
Best 🙂
Oh Claud, the depths of your sadness in this post make me want to cry. You DO make a difference, even to us adoptive mothers. Please don’t give up on that.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend.
Hang in there, okay?!
Even if you stop putting your energies in this particular direction today, you have made a difference. To everything, there is a season. Perhaps this is a season of rest and rejuvination for you, keeping your energies for those physically near. I think Mother Theresa said something like, “If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” (Don’t quote me on that.)
Either way, wishing you, your family, and your good friend clarity and joy.
Of course I’ve wondered where you’ve been. Checked back here from time to time, but figured you needed a break, like everyone does from time to time. And breaks are OK. Take it. Revel in your kids. Breathe. Relax. Try to anyways.
I’m so sorry that your friend is going through such a tough time again. It’s so hard to see someone you love suffering so much. What a toll that can take. Take very good care of you.
You and your family come first for you, always. The rest will be here when you’re up for it.
Claud you are in my thoughts a lot lately..you will stay there until I know you are OK…take care, take time, heal..
Debi
Claud… are you okay? I’m worried about you.
I too have been thinking about you…
Sandy/Seacritter
OK I am joining ranks in worry…
Very very late hugs. And to this:
“If I was just to dissapear now..really…would it matter?”
I say it would matter very, very much. But balance is important, so please be good to you and yours.
I’m thinking of you……
Hoping you’re taking in that sun.
Biggest hugs, Poss. xxx
sigh….. you’re still not here… :'( crying BIG tears, thinking good thoughts, hoping you’re enjoying family and sun like I have been doing…
I really hope you come back.