A Birthmothers Life

Always Wonder Where the Wild Things Are

A Birthmothers Life, Rants and Raves June 10, 2013

Better Than a Caldecott, Always Wild Thing

I took him with me down this wild path, whether he knew it or not. Maurice Sendak was my talisman, my touch stone, a link back to my younger pre adoption self. That girl with dreams, with hopes, with a soul that was not fractured by loss. The girl who did not hold sadness in her eyes. Where the Wild Things Are was my connection to my son, the baby I left behind, my Wild Thing. And of course, both the art of Maurice Sendak and, especially, Where the Wild Things Are provide much of the visual direction and design of this blog.

The Boston Bombing COuld HAve Been my Worst Fears! Not Knowing...

A Birthmothers Life June 8, 2013

Birthmother’s Nightmares

Every time there is an unspeakable tragedy on the news, a tornado, a building collapse, a fire, a school shooting; birthmothers across the country who think their child might have physical ties to that place, worry. We worry because we do not know and many have no way of finding out. If something terrible would happen, I would wait and wonder forever. Maybe my child did get hurt during hurt Boston marathon bombings? I would never know.

How does it feel to be in an open adoption?

Before Making an Adoption Plan, Guest Posts, Open Adoption Stories May 24, 2013

The Open Adoption Experiment

I look at the photographs of my childhood and I can see the big smiles, and all the gifts under the Christmas tree. I can see how most people would look at me and see a happy adopted 16.5 year old girl. Most people would think I am lucky to have two families, other adopted people may think I am fortunate to know my genetic history, my heritage and where I came from. But what I see is different from what other people see; I can plainly see the pain behind the smile.

A Birthmothers Life May 10, 2013

Societies Attitude when Birth Control Fails

“Yet whether it was an accident, ambivalence, or a careless mistake, it’s always the woman’s fault. She allowed herself to get pregnant. She couldn’t keep her legs closed”

Other women, other mothers, who have faced the surprising results on the dreaded “pee stick of doom”. But it’s not about adoption, it is in support of parenting, and parenting young. Rolling with the natural and biological results of sex, accepting a pregnancy before it’s time and the battles of birth control, but most of all the judgment that society, often other women, thrust upon us for daring to get pregnant in the first place.

When and "p[en adoption" really is a closed adoption.

A Birthmothers Life, Guest Posts May 6, 2013

A Typical “Open” Adoption

They agreed to send updates (letters and pictures) every 6 months until she turned 18 and kept up with that until about 3 years ago when the updates suddenly stopped. No explanation, no warning, nothing. The updates were being sent to me through CHS so I called the agency and got the run around. This, to me, is one of the most heartless and cruel things that can be done to a Mother and I’m in utter shock that this is actually happening.

Long Term Affects of Adoption Relinquishment on Marriage & Relationships

Adoption Questions and Facts, Birthmother Grief, Relinquishment, Reunions & Support May 2, 2013

Spouse of A Birthmother Asks: How Do I Tell My Children?

And like many of us affected by adoption, for a spouse of a birthmothers, it helps just to know that one is not alone, which is then altered with the desire to help others also feel that validation and acknowledgment. I do infrequently run into other spouses that wish there was more public support. Perhaps one day we will have something really good for you all. Of course, we’ll have to make it ourselves. The adoption industry probably never will, as then they will have to admit that adoption has long term affects on behalf of relinquishment.

Kitten Adoption Birthmother Emotional Landmind

Birthmother Grief, Birthmother Regrets & Lessons April 29, 2013

Kitten Adoption Can be Very Triggering

We make it out the double glass doors and I burst into hysterical tears. Not weeping, not crying, but gut wrenching hysterical deep soul crushing sobs. Rye looks at me shocked, I am beyond all logic. I make it about ten steps to the car, and then turn around….sobbing, tears flowing down my face, I am not sure what I said. It was like I had stepped on an emotional land mind and now all this shrapnel of myself was just flying.
I had no way of knowing it, but when I had to leave my “baby” cat behind and walk out that door without turning back..I hit that place that every relinquishing mother fears. It really was an emotional land mind that exploded when I walked out that door. I wasn’t crying over the cat, it was over Max…two days old. It’s no one’s fault that this experience reenacted the worst trauma of my life, but it did. Just ripped that scab off with such a force, that it took me hours to find the place to stop the bleeding.

No Picture

A Birthmothers Life March 18, 2013

Live from Orlando…I’m on Vacation!

I’m in the middle of family building lifetime memory making week. The “kids” and I are down in Orlando, Florida for the rest of the week. I am over the moon with silly gidiness as I have been wanting to get these two down to Disney before they get too old.

Finding a Gave aty the end of an adoption search is so sad.

A Birthmothers Life, Searches March 6, 2013

Born Baby Wagner, Died Alyssa Rachael Toner

I did not know Alyssa Toner. What I do know, though, is that Alyssa was searching and cannot finish her search. She made the video, but it does not show up in searches for her birth date. The article about her adoption birthmother search does not seem have been published. The news stories about her death, do, right now, but as time passes, news articles like these get achieved and fall way down on the search rankings. Maybe her search will be forgotten completely. Maybe her account will be taken down, the video eventually deleted and, if her birthmother ever does decide to search, she will never find anything at all.

The message will be lost.

The New York Times

A Birthmothers Life March 2, 2013

Life Wins Out Over Adoption

So while dealing with mothering obligations and major house construction ( did I mention we built WALLS where there were none?), I got word that the piece I had written moths ago, was scheduled for publication in the SUNDAY New York Times!

A Birthmothers Life, Guest Posts February 14, 2013

A Relinquishing Mother’s Voice

All these years have passed in a blink of an eye. It really does not seem that long ago. Growing up in Utah; the year is 1988. I am trying hard to remember my son’s birthday. Gasping at the thought I could have forgotten it. This has to be a temporary block. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Picturing his little plastic wrist band from the hospital neatly placed in a little silver cardboard Nordstrom jewelry box. It is hidden somewhere with my life’s collection of furniture and house hold items in a lonely storage unit. I focus in on it and it comes back to me. I know for sure it was 1988 either March or April. The 18th of April stands out the most. No, I remember it is March 18th 1988. Yes, his Birthday.

No guarentee that adopted kids will be happy.

Before Making an Adoption Plan, Relinquishment February 1, 2013

The Myth of the Happy Adoptee

When we are pregnant, we don’t pump our own gas or dye our hair. We stop smoking and drinking and eat right. We watch our medications, don’t eat sushi, go in hot tubs or ride roller coasters. There is a mass of other “don’ts’ that I forget since it’s been a while, but I think even goat cheese is “bad” when you are pregnant now. Bottom line, we do not do all these that MIGHT somehow endanger our babies. Even if it’s like .00096% of all pregnant women who eat unprocessed cheese get the weird amoeba that could cause blindness in the fetus, we don’t take that chance. So why are we encouraging mothers, who really do NOT have to relinquish to endanger their babies with maternal separation?

Adoption, Bad Adoption Practices, Birthmother Regrets & Lessons January 31, 2013

15 Solutions To Fix Adoption in America

I do not believe that we will see the end of adoption completely, but these solutions could very well produce a country like Australia where the relinquishment rates dropped about 95%. That is not unrealistic to me. Ideal, yes, but… People will want children that they cannot bare, and here will be people who have children who do not have any desire to ever be a parent. Yes, adoption will still be there, but let it be a safe guard that provides families for children who need homes rather than finding children for families that want them. Adoption relinquishment should be seen as the last possible choice.

Tell me to Stop speaking Adoption Truths? HA!

Adoption Koolaide & Birthmother Denial, Relinquishment January 28, 2013

Sorry, I’m Not Going to Be Convinced & I’m Not Changing My Mind

I really have to almost get a chuckle out of it when people try to tell me to shut up. Really? You are going to tell ME to STOP? And you think I will listen to YOU? How’s that working out for you? Yes, it IS FUNNY! You did not bother to find out who you are talking to. I take my rabble rousing VERY seriously. Why are you spending all your energy trying to convince me that you got it so good and adoption is so positive and “not like my experience”. Did I mention that I just do not care?