One of Max’s bands is playing a show this weekend. I got the invite, though I have to wonder if it didn’t just go out to everyone. I mentioned it to Garin who is very sure of the fact that HE WANTS TO GO. Or, rather, he says “we are going”. Never mind that I am slated to work, never mind that I would have to send the other two…
New bloggers..or new to me I should say…added to my linky links. If I link you and you don’t want to be linked, please just drop me a line and away it will be. No hard feelings. And the same goes if you are Blogging, and I have overlooked you. It’s not personal, it just measn that when I saved you in favorites, I put you in the wrong file..so…
There is no simple answer in adoption. Adoption is made of millions of individual experiences. We all have a thread in it. We all weave it together.
Adoption is not one color. It is not one shade. It is millions of different shades of gray, some threads change mid stream…from brightly colored, to the black of death, back to a pale whisper of what it once was. Some are almost invisible, but they are still there, holding their place, keeping the pattern alive.
So here’s the thing. When I think about all the mothers of adoption loss I “know”, I wonder why it is that we all seem to fall into the same type of catagory. Like really, I know of two groups. The moms from the Baby Scoop Era who were really and trully forced into maternity homes and made to surrender their children. And then there is the Willing Moms who…
Long and hard about what is most important for them to know and understand about the adoption of Max. So I came up with this: The need to know that I see it as a huge mistake. That we don’t just, with ease. walk away from our kids. That I cannot just walk away from them. Big, big deal for me The reasoning behind it. Yeah, maybe they won’t get…
Once there was a girl who was not quite a grown up yet. She came to realize that she had a baby growing in her belly. And that made her very scared. So she kept it a secret for a long time. She was afraid of what would happen when she had the baby and she became a mommy. She wasn’t sure that she knew how to be a mommy…
So, one of the things that I need to do before Max actually gets here for his first visit is tell Scarlett and Tristan. I haven;t told them before..well, because it seems cruel in a way. Right now they don’t know they have a bigger than Garin, older brother..so they do not know they have a loss. They cannot miss what they don’t know they have. Plus even though I…
How can I avoid the ever growing laundry pile..let me count the ways. 1) Post a new bold tread about nothing….yeah, that will work! So…I have an awful headache right now. I do believe we call it a hangover. It’s not my fault, really!. I wanted to go to bed early last night! But life happened. My car is in the shop. Had to go in to fix a ton…
I just hopped over to my mailbox and had a message alert fom my Max..so I am all happy..yeah..and then I read it. I am sitting here..shaking in my skin..crying..HE WANTS TO COME AND VISIT!!!!! My Baby..he’s gonna come see me!!! He will get to met his brothers ans sister and me and be here!!! HE’S COMING HOME!!!! God I love this guy!! I just have to share how amazing…
The doorbell just rang and I know it was the UPS man. I was very bad..in a good way..and ordered something 170 dollars worth of books from Amazon. It was Garin;s fault really..he wanted some Ska DVD, but since I HAD to place an order…. I got Adoption Nation for 57cents!! Which is great because I need to read it with my highlighter so I can really know my stuff…
I would love to see a real deep physiological study done on the growing up, formative years of women who “choose” to become mothers of loss. My guess is that we were not loved unconditionally by mothers with issues who tended to be narcissistic I think our fathers might be either absent or didn’t stand up to our mothers rule. And maybe that could also be reversed too? I wonder if we ever felt worthy of anything, so how could we be worthy of our children?
It’s a hard battle to feel I am suppose to have anything I want and keep it. Sometimes I don’t feel I deserve it at all. And then, part of me screams how much I should have and I am entitled. But I still am afraid of the loss again.
Since he would be 18, he could open up his records..if he desired. And if he did that, then he could “find” me and we could be “official” and then completely manage to avoid telling his folks that this has now been happening already for almost 7 months. Really, at this point all I wanted to do was avoid getting them upset and get him out form the burden of secrets.
Look at this face of the one you would die for. Feel that love that you have for them..full force..and imagine the source of that delight, that joy, was gone from your life. Not dead, just unreachable. Forever for all you know. Completely out of your control and grasp.
If I had not searched for my adopted child, then it would have been not an issue. But I am not a saint. I am not a completely unselfish person. I do have my weak moments..or strong..depending on your viewpoint and perspective. And no matter what..I am a mother.
And I just ask you all this..to try to imagine for a second what it is like to know your child is out there somewhere..and you have longed for so long..and you find out that there is a way to reach out and touch team again. All I can say was there was NO WAY I could have not done it.
For myself, I believe for him, for my other children…one click. I am not that saintly of a human.
The pain of adoption separation is so awful, I could not demand that my son is returned to me form his adoptive family. Give the adoptee back is said in anti-adoption circles, but then I am no better than the evil forces that did this to me. I am only contributing to more pain to relieve my own, I am them part of a problem.