How I Ended up on Christian Talk Radio with 2 Adoptive Moms

Long ago, I realized that no matter how many times I said the same thing over and over, no matter how often I told my story, no matter what was said, I would not be the cause of change in adoption. I have no power anymore over the adoption industry. They do not care what I think. Oh granted, I can make noise and be a thorn in their side and spread the truth about adoption, but they can just as easily ignore me and continue on their very way. They do not need me anymore. They got the one thing out of me that had value; they got my son. What I think about adoption anymore is irrelevant to the adoption industry. The most I can do is give them pause when they Google their name. I can give their PR companies a bit of an issue with their online reputation management, but that just pays another marketer’s salary.

Sadly, for most adoptees and most other birthparents, the adoption industry, the lawyers, the agencies, the directors, don’t care about you either. When we look at adoption as a business, then we have to look at our influence from a business angle. And when it comes to that, I say: follow the money. The adoption industry must appeal to prospective adoptive parents as they are the ones that, in the end, pay the fees that become rent, car payments, salaries, etc for the people employed by the agencies. Long ago,  I realized that it was important to get adoptive parents to hear what I had to say; to understand the complexities, to realize that there is great loss in adoption, to care about ethics. I knew that  the same words I repeated, said once by an adoptive parent, would carry more weight.

Parker Adventist Hospital’s Adoption Program

If you recall, back in January, I was very excited to hear about a  hospital adoption program in Colorado that was changing their language based on a blog post written by an adoptive mother. It was wonderful to see that change could happen and often from the most unlikely places. For one, it was an adoptive mother writing the post, based on a conversation from another adoptive mother. Second, she, as an adoptive mother, was writing to other adoptive parents about a subject that previously was not even a questioned; what does one call a woman considering adoption? Not a birthmother! Third, the message was received by another adoptive mother and here is where it does get interesting.

Rebecca Vahle is the adoptive mom in question and she is the Adoption Liaison at Parker Adventist Hospital. Now, one could easily imagine that she is a very strong proponent of adoption not someone who might be interested in talking to me or what I have to say or anything like that, right?  I mean, after all she, like many adoption professionals runs an adoption program;  The Family to Family Adoption Support Program. Plus she is a mother to children via adoption; she and I are on opposite sides of the fence, right? She is the enemy, right?

Wrong.

First, Rebecca is the head of the hospital program that went and changed the adoption language used in their literature to NOT use the word “birthmother” when they really meant “expectant mother considering adoption“. That alone is pretty sweet, but what’s even better is that this Adoption Support program is the ONLY one of its kind in the country and right now, is poised to be a training model for other hospitals all over the country.

How This Hospital Can Help Create a Real Choice

Now, one would think that I would be horrified at hearing of hospitals learning how to support adoption, right?  One would think that “supporting adoption” might mean ” pushing adoption” or something equally horrific like the Infant Adoption Awareness Training whose purpose is to convince women that “adoption was a loving option”. Especially since, Rebecca was invited to presented her program last week at the National Council for Adoption Conference. Add to it that she has already been award one of those “Angel in Adoption” Awards presented by the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute. By all means, I should just HATE her, right?

Wrong again.

We can find allies in the most unlikely places when we stop looking for enemies. And I have to tell you, Rebecca Vahle is a friend of Adoption Truths.  Now you might think me foolish and too trusting. You might ask “Why, Claud? Why are you talking to someone like this? How can you trust her? She has adopted, she runs an adoption program. She has one of those damn awards. She’s in with the NCFA. She went to that awful Orphan Summit!” and those are the very reasons why I AM talking with her, but not all, not all.

The first time we connected it was over the change in adoption language at Parker. And then, she friended me and we messaged each other. The first time we spoke on the phone it was a four hour long conversation that only ended because my phone died from pure exhaustion. Now we have all the reasons why I shouldn’t talk to her, but not the reason why I do, really; Rebecca Vahle not only listens, but she gets it. And when I say “get it” I really mean she not only gets the complexities in adoption, but she is sharing that with the very parties who need to hear and whose doors, really, are closed to people like myself.

I am talking to her because she cares about what can be done to improve her program for the mother’s considering adoption. You know.. so they actually might have the information to make a true informed choice . So that the hospital and the people that work there understands the truth and not the adoption mythology that colors every pro adoption message. So there is support for parenting. So, it does actually become a way for hospitals to  serve the actual patient there, the MOTHER, and give her the ability to make a decision that is best for her and her baby as opposed to feeling beholden to the agency representatives or prospective adoptive parents. It’s not perfect yet, I will admit that, but the BIG difference is that THIS program is actually listening and making changes for the better.

In other words , her adoption NEUTRAL program is designed to be the one of the last safe places where a mother considering adoption has the ability to say “I want to parent my child.”.  Can I repeat: AND IT IS POISED TO BE THE TRAINING MODEL FOR HOSPITAL ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

Can you imagine a country where women are given the help and resources to parent?

Stop Preaching to the Choir and Start Talking

I admit I love it when I am “right”. Over the last decade I have had to defend many times, the fact that I go out of my way to talk to adoptive parents. I go out of my way to submit writings to “pro” adoption places. I kindly comment, I “invite” folks to read here, I friend those I “should” not. I was told that they would not care about me. I have been told that “they will never listen”. I have been told I was wasting my time. I have been accused of being “too anti-adoption” by some while being “not anti adoption enough” by others.  I have “sold out”, I sleep with the “enemy”, I pander to them and I continue the oppression of mothers by using “birthmother” when I write.

Whatever. I mean that. Say whatever you want about me, believe whatever feels good to you. I know the opening conversations and being kind, and honest, but truthful with ANYONE is a much better way to foster change. Oh, and it works too!

You Never Know What Might Happen

See, if I hadn’t “talked to those adoptive parents”, then I would never have known Lori “Lavender Luz” Holden, Author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole (Amazon: http://bit.ly/open-adoption ). And if I hadn’t thought to ever consider Lori a friend and an ally for over a decade, then she would probably have not recommend that Rebecca talk to me. And if that hadn’t happened then I would not have just spent the last hour talking to both of them on KLTT “Powerful Christian Talk Radio”.

Yup. I just willingly did the “Adoption Perspectives” show on Christian talk radio with two adoptive mothers. And this is the best part; it was basically a love fest. As in, there was this crazy mutual agreement. I didn’t censor my words once. I didn’t hold back any opinion. And there was not one disagreement at all. Not. One.

Really. You can hear it yourself . It airs Saturday, 6/29 at 1 pm ET (streamed online at 670kltt2.com) and will be available via YouTube a few days later and I’ll also share it here.

Until then, however, this is one of those times that you  are going to have to take my word for it and perhaps you will not right away. I get that. Trust is hard in Adoptionland. Right after we  first spoke, Rebecca sent over to me a blog post she had written for the CCAI blog about the program. I told Rebecca flat out that it was a good thing we had previously spoken or I would NEVER have felt the program had the potential to be what it will be. And if you read the post, you probably will think the same too, but ….

We’d be wrong again.

So I laughed and teased her about writing for the intended audience. I get that. Making the program become a national training model will take funding and that means grants and such. And it will require the support of  the sources of that funding, which mean the “we love adoption” camp.  I hope she gets them. I hope the NCFA, the CCAI, and the ACF all rally behind this training program. I think it is one to watch, one  to support and hope that it can help foster real change in how adoption is practiced in the USA.