I received one of those horrible phone calls yesterday afternoon. A friend of Rye’s called for Rye, who was at work, to relay that another close friend of theirs had committed suicide just hours ago. I had to call my husband at work and tell him that Danny had blown his brains out.

I knew, upon hearing the message that this would be a huge thing, this force would descend upon our lives..like a huge tidal wave..and leave much rubble in the wake. I knew that would be the theme of he rest of the week at least.

He was my husband’s friend, but also close to many of our other friends, who are best friends with his sister, and close to the family, and then had their own past relationships with him. Plus he used to work at my job, so people there were also reeling..including one former brr gal who lived with him for three years..so I was really worried about her. Yeah, big mess.

The phone calls started..one domino put into motion..and they all began to fall. A bunch of our group I had just seen off earlier that day..heading out to our mountains for some fun and laughs…so I knew where a big portion of the “Oh where are they” were..and gave Rye the cell number to find who he needed to find..and he ruined their day. I saw them when they returned form the hills..all quiet getting out of the van, E was crying and I knew they knew.

After regrouping a posse went out to sit with Rye while he worked and to bring him home. More phone calls were made, searches for cell numbers, calls to others, gathering of the forces. Then we all went to the bar so that those who needed to drink could, and the rest of us could go into mode and handle them.

And we sat there in the bar and E kept on saying “This is so NOT OK!!” And all I could to is agree with her. No, it is not OK and it never will be. Nothing we can put on this, a spin, a happy ending, nothing..will make sense of the loss. And the concern for this family was monumental..that they lost their son, their brother, their uncle, their friend. The known fact that they would be broken now, wounded and some might never fully heal from this but carry it with them forever.

Could I help but think of adoption? Ah yes, loss..I know thy all to well. How is it that the loss of a family member ..even of that members own choosing..is accepted as legitimate and just not good, terrible, monumental, huge, gives license for public grief and sorrow….and we never have to but a good spin on it, it will always be sad and terrible.

But adoption because someone gets some good out of it..then the loss and grief is supposed to be minute?? We are to take heart in the “happy ending” the positive, the good spin of others…because someone benefits..then it is OK??

Well what about the family left behind? Is a baby any less  than a full adult family member?

I just can’t wrap my head around it.
I just can’t.