God, I feel mopey.

I have figured out that naturally, like all things in life, I work on a cycle..so great happiness and highs are frequently followed by quiets lows, emotionally, socially, physical, energy wise. And I am not one to want to have all the highs, so I resist any temptation for medical use to make the lows more bearable, I just wad though them, knowing they will pass. Ah, but right now..I wish there was a pill!!

Yeah, the aftermath from the conference high, the aftermath from running full bore all excited about an idea for a project, the aftermath of telling Max’s dad….all hitting now..spiral down low.

Plus I done fucked up. Sometimes I am a lousy wife.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do in the city, though I did plan for it, but I had just as good of a chance to chicken out yet again, as I have before in the past. And yeah, I have that lovely desire to avoid conflict. I have always known that Rye would be less than thrilled “Hey honey, by the by, I am gonna stop in and see my old lover..”…yeah, that would have went over like a ton of bricks. And I had half expected to get flack as it was for even taking off three days and doing “adoption stuff”..so I was thrilled that he was being so cool with that..I was not gonna rock the boat…coz, I am still sure that it would have been ugly, he would not have approved me doing it, would not have understood that I had to, and out of guilt for Rye’s feelings, there would have been a good chance that I wouldn’t do it. It would have aggravated me to no end to have to fight to get “approval” or to explain myself..yeah, so I avoided. Ah hindsight not a good idea.

Now I had planned to tell him when I got home..but…I was bad when away and never called. I had my cell and figured he would call me when he needed to and I was busy, plus probably a good amount of now knowing that I did make the visit and still avoiding THAT. So when I got home..he was one mad mad because I had not called. Wasn’t going to add to that one either. So I kept my mouth shut. Still wrote it all here..duh.

I put a feeler out the other day, but he was a bit to harsh in the reception of the idea I had..adoption related, so I retreated again.

Now one of the main things that have gotten me in this adoption mess to begin with is my tendency to avoid conflicts and my inability to see things play out to a true negative reaction. I think things will be Ok before I want them to be. And I tend to dismiss the possible backlash of an action with thoughts of “I’ll just deal with it then..it won’t be so bad” Big time schooling from Scarlett O’Hara..”I’ll think about it tomorrow”..and I jump in to something. I haven’t learned too much in the past 20 years as these things keep on tripping me up.

I knew that he would be unhappy with my going to see Max’s father, but I also knew that I had to do it. And I figured that he would be OK. What is done is done right? Except that then I avoid telling him…see the freaking patterns!!! Yeah, how blind AM I??

As it can be expected, my poor husband was very hurt to READ about my experince in NY here. As I said, I can be lousy and that is just dern fucked up.

He had a right to be mad and I knew that. I had hurt him and that was not cool.

Now the rest, let me preface, by saying that my Rye IS a good man. He has his faults as do we all, but I cannot ever question his commitment, his desire for our life, nor his love. And no matter what, he has continuously tried his best throughout our years together and mostly we have had good growth and it is a positive marriage.

Adoption and it’s effects on our lives is something that we do stuggle with. Collateral damage is a great term. We both come from very different places. He is an adoptee “lite”. Though never officially adopted, and probably very narrowly escaping that, his mom was 18 when he was born. His father, though they were closer when he was a baby, was invisable to his life, and his mother married before his birth a man who was not his true father, but was named on the birth certificate and known to Rye as his father until he was like 15. As he was raised by a man who was not his true father, and that man happened to be an abusive scum bag who not only beat the hell out of my MIL, but also verbally, emotionally and physical abused Rye.

Since this “father” also known as the step monster was such an asshat, it was with relief that Rye found out finally that he was not related to the man, but that opened up the can of worms. He attempted a relationship with his bio family, had a reunion that didn’t go all that great at all…Rye had anger towards his bio dad for leaving him with the abusive asshat and not “saving” him..and I think he sabotaged the relationship from that anger..of course fast forward to now, he is in tenuous contact with them all now..and they are a might bit “odd” anyway…so I can’t even blame it all on his anger..even if very justified.

Needless to say, coming from this perspective of having no real father and a icky reunion, he had alot of trouble grasping MY feelings on Max being found. My feeling completely different than his own father was a tough thing to come to terms with and that started the whole “bad adoption discussions”. The night I first found Max and was so relieved and so thrilled…I had to hear about how I was not his mother. Real mothers raise their kids and I did not raise Max so really..who cares? Yeah..big ouch. I admit it..yes, a major propanent of adoption truth education, and my own husband is so in the dark, it is horrid.

Couple this with the amount of time and attention that I give to my laptop and the adoption community at large. Sometimes, he sees adoption as taking me away from what we have going on in our lives. And sometimes, he is right. Sometimes, I am much too occupied by this internet world..but I can also say tit for tat as he spends just as much time on his computer playing WOW and Raven Shield. At least my people are real..lol. But what he does do is pit, mentally, Max against our other kids..so my time on here is all about Max when I could be enjoying the kids I DO have. Of course, most of my time here is on the bigger picture rather than just one out of four kids..but then we have the “why help other people that don’t know you and care about you”. Yeah, I could say why blow up people that aren’t even real, but you get the idea.

When he is angry, he fights to win and sometimes things hurt. It hurts to have my work here dismissed. It huts to have this stuff degraded. It really hurts to have my parenting questioned. Some of it just gets me mad back because I can see he is reaching too far, it really is the anger talking, hurling accusations and crap, but sometimes…

At one point, I had to think…DO I give too much here, that it is really taking away form what I have now? Should I just give it up? Yet, how could I? How can I explain to him that I have never felt like this before about anything? That I can see changes happening and I think I DO have the ability to really make a difference. That is is more than me, bigger then what I want, but so worth it. Yet, he was upset enough and I was not willing to sacrifice everything that I told him I would just stop.

God bless him he does understand some and knows that this is very important to me and said “No..” he will not be the one to force me to give up something I am passionate about.

But by then, I am raw, I am opened up, I am a mess of sniveling snotty tears..and I can see how screwed up I am, how I feel. And I wonder..I want to say…see..I am so messed up becasue of this thing in my life..but I HATE being a victim, I hate giving in..so I resist that, but yeah, adoption does fuck one up. And then, there is the thought that it IS being an issue becasue I allow it in our lives, I allow it to effect us, I make it a real presence by my work..so if I stopped, then would it be lesser? Would it be not so much an issue if I stopped being so vocal, let it fade back, am I one who stays in this place of sadness because I deal with it everyday?

I guess if one could go back into denial, I would have at that moment.

So I don’t know how to make this stop. I cannot change who I am, how this has gripped me. I have never felt so dedicated to something before. So part of something good. And I need that. Yet, I am not wiling to have adoption take hostage of the rest of my life dammit, I have good things and I will keep them. Yet, I must be true to myself. Oh another fine line to walk.

We don’t have a good history with this issue. And we have just issues in general with clear communication and being angry. Dagggers do get thrown at times, and we both keep track of our own wounds. I am one of those once bitten, twice shy people, plus I DO require alot of time to process things. I can’t talk about stuff until after I have chewed things around for a while and fiqured how how I feel about it..then I can share. Like a month after something happens, when I am not raw, then I tell people.My best friend gets mad at me too for not letting her in on things. What can I say..that’s how I am? Not a good mix for a man who wants to know everything first, who sees credit based on who knows what, and speaks first without the processing part. Yet, because he is oh so truthful and thinks working things out means getting all the ugly out there in the open and that understanding feelings is not so much as actions..I have fears about sharing. It’s bad enough when I have an anonymous poster on here to say some crappy adoption mythology and stigma, but to hear it out of the man who shares my bed? Yeah, I avoid.
And that makes it worse, because then he sees me not being open with him. But it is so hard to be open when it allows hurt. So I shield myself from him..and sometimes that means hurting him more..and then he is angry and hurts me more…oh bad cycle.

And yet, sometimes I want him to know how much this has effected me, how very ‘well’ I really am doing considering. I mean, hey..I function the majority of the time very nicely even when obsessed with adoption, even when the actual situation is hurting me..I keep it all compartmentalized. I mean ..when I was in the middle of first contact with Max and jumping out of my skin, I kept it in, I didn’t walk around crying or looney, I worked two 15 hour jobs, and again, I didn’t tell him anything until it was long over. I cannot allow for disruption when I am so vulnerable. I cannot be questioned in my own home when I am not firmly sure of what I am attempting anyway. In any case, I get made when he says this is ruining things…coz I am not on meds to function, I don’t often get so worked up, I get up in the morning, I keep my healthy outlets, I process it toughly.

Yet, still…collateral damage.

My marriage took a hit this week. It’s not surprising. I know I am not the first person to be married to someone who has issues. I know some of my issues do not make it as easy for him either. I know many a woman has had to face this. I know marriages have died under the stress and emotional overall of reunions, new relationships, etc. I remember my good MSN friend Pheobe warning me about how hard it is. I have seen it before, but it is different to live it.

What is very hard is that somewhere in all this..it is about ME. Not my family, not Rye, not Max, not my kids, not Max’s dad..it is about me. I had to do that visit so I could be the person I want to be, I had to walk the walk and correct that wrongness, I had to face him again. Not for him..prolly would have been easier for him to have never known ( Ah, more new unforseen gulit, but it was something that I HAD to do.

But oh,when we have these things..oh, I am accused of only thinking about me..and then I want to, I am trained to, disregard myself again, put my feelings on the back burnier and do what is expected of me, to make others happy. But when I think that, I get mad at me again..for I am not going to go back to that place where I am less important. I get made for thinking it, almost acting on it, I get mad at the one who wants me to be that person again. And I have to dig in my heels, as much for myself against myself, to stay in a place that is better for me.

And so I do put up my walls, I do hide to myself, I do exist in my own world. Gosh, I want to let him in more, but he has got to learn more first about not throwing those emotional daggers at me. And I have got to stop giving him reasons though my own stupid faults to be allowed to crash though. Coz then I am like this..wondering, wounded, raw and broken again..doubting myself, my worth as a person, ever being good enough, being a good mother, being of value..and yeah, that’s old adoption talk rearing it’s ugly head.

What got me here in the first place…dysfunctional family operations, adoption snow job, dark demons, unlovable ( great you know how I am and now you are gonna leave?), still exisits deep down, but I don’t want to be like this anymore..so making me see it..it’s not gonna help the situation any..only gonna make me a mess. Like this.

Meanwhile, the house is infested with flies..gross. My job keeps messing up my schedule and I am gonna miss ER again!. I have not heard form Max and there as a frightening bullitan from him..looking for a place to stay Sunday night and a ride to school..so he was home, but needed to get out, and a ride back to college..so they took his car? And I didn’t hear back from a mesage a sent to him re that either… haven’t heard jack from his dad..which makes me feels like either guilt..he is freaking..or crap..he just went on his merry way. The local paper here said “No, we aren’t interested in doing an adoption story” Dang.

I’m going to go take a shower now and cry. Showers, by the way, are a great place to loose your mind if you want to release crap in private.