In the course of being “active” with adoption online, I frequently come in contact with pregnant women who are thinking about placing. OK, I’ll admit it..I ( used to ) seek them out and look for them.

I do feel the responsibility to give them insights to the big picture, long term ramifications, all the stuff that would really fall under “informed consent” but that we can trust the agencies and facilitators to do. Sometimes it is welcome, sometimes it is asked for, sometimes ignored and pushed back with hostility, and sometimes they even listen. I like it when they listen.

 If I had Known; Would I Relinquish Again?

What I have wondered often is what would I have responded like if, in 1987,there was a world wide web and I had found someone like me who essentially told me that I had no idea what I was doing. And really that was the case. Despite being intelligence and having a “good” agency, I had no idea in what direction my life would take from the one huge decision. I certainly did not have the ability to see into the future, and while non of us really do, if I had been warned of the long term grief, constant feelings of loss, and the sadness of denying my children a relationship between siblings..Would I have run away?

That’s what I have wondered now..Would I have listened? I was like Dot. I was adamant on placement. I didn’t want to hear anything from my counselors about my parenting options. I felt it ideal. And I am, can you guess, stubborn at times. Plus I like to think I am special. Would I, in ’87, tell the mothers of closed adoption that they just didn’t;t know me or my situation? That things were “different”, that I was making this “choice“. Yeah, I guess I would at first..being that’s what I said when I first did discover the internet world. And for a long time, I thought that I would have been a lost cause. Just fustration to old mommas like me who opened their hearts and souls in order to help. I would have been a train wreck and made them all watch and relive the madness.

Anway..I really doubted for a few years now that I would have listened. That’s just the reality of who I was. I would end up being like some of these ladies..realizing it all just too late after the fact.

And then not too long ago, I was thinking this all over again. And it occurred to me that many people, adoptees, natural moms before and after relinquishing, adoptive parents can really hear and see the truth and STILL are able to dismiss it. Like having a “happy birthmother” tell me that now I am bitter, I should be looking on the bright side, that still their situations are ‘different”, they “choose this” they have no regrets and “it was best”.

How Does On’ss Thoughts on Adoption Change Over Time?

So it got me thinking..why can’t they see the truth of this loss too? Do they just not want to, can they not handle it, do they have too much to lose by protecting their own version of reality. Or is it only time and experience that allows us to really feel it all?

Part of me wants to believe it’s time, maturity, self esteem, possibly reunion that wakes us up, but I have known many a mom who “got it” way earlier on when it would have been much easier for them to stay protected for years more. Granted I was driven to find all the answers to prepare for the possible reunion, but then would I not have been equally driven likewise at age 19 with the internet as a tool then? I mean, the first thing I looked up once I had a computer in house was adoption. Is my quest for the truth really that different though time?

I took allot of information at face value at the time since I didn’t know any better and that is what was presented to me. I tried to do what was the best for my child even of it might hurt me in the end. I carefully choose the “gifts” I would leave with him, the stories and pictures of me, so he would have some knowledge even if that meant that he would be secure enough not to want to find me. For years, I believed that a book, a half dozen pictures and a stuffed doll would answer all his needs because that is what was told. So what of I had been told something else?
What if I had the stories of Robin, and Nana, and Cookie, and KimKim, and Speaking, and MSP to also round out the picture? What if I had the real opportunity to speak to adult adoptees like Jen, and Kali, and Wraith and Heartened? What if my knowledge of adoption effects on children were more than the romanticized versions provided from Made for TV movies and Scholastic teen books? Could I have gotten past the glory then? What if I had read studies on mother child bonding? What if someone had told me that it might not be “best” and that the very act of relinquishment could open him up for a world of rejection and hurt, a proverbial Original Sin that he had no chance of being absolved in?

Would I have listened?

Would I have kept him?

Would I have gathered strength form this knot’s or disregarded it all and went on my merry path of destruction?

For a long time I just didn’t know.

And then one day, I realized that maybe I needed to give myself some more credit.

If Only I had Known

I have always been very opinionated, but with a viewpoint that is subject to change. I have never been a real black and white kind of girl, but saw the subtle shades of gray. I have always seeked out understanding and had a love for knowledge.

What made me be able to really hear the words of others almost five years ago, was probably always in me. So I would like to think I would have heard them then. We have quizzical natures in my clan. It is who we are. I had that makeup then.

So if I had read enough, been told enough, did my own homework..I think I would have changed my mind. After all there really were no major real reasons to lose my Max. I as not a drug addict, nor a whore, nor so poor, nor really without support. If I had others backing me and telling me to tell my mother to get over herself. If I had someone to point out to me, ten years before I dared to think about it myself, that Max’s dad was a lawyer for Pete’s sake and was obligated to support him. If I had been told that Max would miss me and I knew how to be a good mom and I would never regret loving my child even if I missed a few concerts…I could still go to school..I was not really ruining my life.

Nooo…that’s what adoption had the power to do..not mothering.

If I had only known.

Yeah, I think I would have figured it out. I believed the few that told me the rosy version, because that is all I had.

Reality and truth are a good thing.

Knowledge is power ..pass it around.