A Case of Birthmother Blues

Sitting here now.. feeling all nasty. I din’t know why. Feeling on edge.. like something is about to happen..got so much to do, but not really… should be doing more, but what?
Rye is after me to find some job that I can do one handed… I want to laugh.. every thing I find that is work from home sounds like a pyramid scheme and demands money first to buy into it, or get theur softwear.
Evil dark mood…

Why, I think? Why? PMS? ohhh it feels like it… just hating all things in life.. for no good logical reason.. but my cycle is not due till the end of the month..?

Why?….ahhhhh..

Max’s 20th Birthday is Tomorrow

Tonight, today.. I feel the nervous ache of my flesh. That anxiousness that never quite leaves my soul..20 years ago, 19 and basically alone in a Boston Suburb, I awoke on this day and I knew.

I knew my long wait was over, that something had shifted in my body, that my baby was stirring, had shifted, and I could not hold on much longer. My water broke early in the morning.. I want to say with my morning pee.. but it was later.. maybe while getting dresses. I can still see the bottom of the toliet in front of me as I peered in, trying to fiqure out WHAT was coming out of me.

Yes, today is the day of the long hid and wait. I hid that I thought I was in labour, as I didn’t want to upset anyone and cause them worry..besides there was little in the way of contractions to speak of.. just irratating bands of misc. pain. So I pretended, much like I would for the next million days of my life, that I was OK, that this was all fine, that nothing was wrong with this plan to give birth and walk away from my infant son… heck, at this point I still swore him a girl..Asia was to be his name.. it means “life” you know… yes,, vomit.,..I was falling into all the perfect sterotypes.

.. see me.. how I was…oh such a fool… this is me in the airport.. waiting for my plane.. my mothert would not even bring me there.. claiming work.. my friend Diane Richards saw me off.. giving me a bag of gummy bears…see how I am excited? This new adventure that I embark on..it was all possible…never mind that i was growing with child..never mind that i was about to make the biggest mistake of my life..i was living… until today..

Yes, today was the end of my existance of the ‘not a mother’ Claud.. that girl above is no more..and its not just gray hairs and lack of botox that makes me different then her….today that girl that I was took her last breath and entered a new world. Hide and wait became the rules for many years hence… funny how I use to claim impatince as one of my vices.. ah. I have learned a deep soul patince that I could never have imagined..waiting, waiting, heck.. i still wait… for what i do not know anymore..it is just a part of me now.. to wait.

Why Every Year, This Adoption Sadness

And what is sadly unfunny.. is that despite being trully blessed with adoption possibilities.. i mean, yeah it sucks, but at least i have a good deal.. i found my son, he is well, he had a good deal, i am good, we are not too, too broken, he calls me mom, etc.. what is still sad is that this still rips me open every year…you would think it shouldn’t, that it has no power anymore, that it is over?

Never over though.. once again i am transformed through space and time and on this day, i ache for the girl i was.. for who she was abput to be.. and in another parallel world i send to her the power to run, to cry stop.. and maybe that girl will claim her motherhood, love our Max in the flesh, and heal us all…Hey Claud.. don’t get on the plane!! Make Diane take us back home.. Just don’t go Claud.. just go home!

Still waiting for that though.. patince again.. for this day, this week to pass…in the meantime, i’ll hide, pretend it is all ok..like i always do…