This is hard. I hate it, but I’m coming clean. I hate that I am feel seen as some kind of super strong birthmother because I am suppose to be immune to this sort of thing in my head. Guess what..I’m human. I’m not perfect. In fact, I am probably just as messed up as everyone of us. I just hide it well.

Periodically, people ask me how my reunion with Max is going. In case you haven’t noticed, I have neglected to update it. I have ignored the inquires. I just don’t answer.

The last time I spoke to or saw Max was on my birthday..last year. As in 2008. Like over 13 months ago.

It was a great visit. He surprised me on my birthday, stayed over and we all got to spend time together. Yeah!

Then, after that.. well.. I regressed. I know I did. Adoption became just too much for a while. I didn’t write last summer. I didn’t blog. I was sad I couldn’t go to New Orleans for the Adoptee Rights Protest. I was very depressed over the situation with Garin and him going to his Dad’s. My separation anxiety was on overload and I was massively triggered by feeling like a bad mother and abandoning another child. I tried to force myself into some sort of new denial.. and that was it. A break for the summer was not too bad…probably healthy in a way.

And then I was ready. I thought about contacting him. I thought about it a lot, but I didn’t. I don’t know why. I was stuck. I was scared. I was not emotionally strong enough to tackle adoption for a bit.

Part of me felt that I had to focus on the man child in my house who really needed that attention. Part of me just didn’t want to deal with adoption at all. I tried sucking down some Kool-Aid, but it only made my tongue turn green and the taste in my mouth was sour.

But I thought about it a lot. And somehow became overwhelmed with fear.

See.. I know my boy. He’s never been good with the email business. I always had to tell his girlfriend that he needed to check his email box and then he would. I called her my secretary and adored her for it, but then, they broke up. I lost my secretary.

He hasn’t checked his MySpace in forever. He’s not active on Facebook.. he’s there, but I can tell he joined up like over two years ago and hasn’t bothered checking since. I wonder if he even remembers his log in information. I wonder if he even remembers his old email addys that I have.

Not being able to make sure he would see an email, was scary. See, if I email him and he never answers, then all I have is his cell phone number. And lord, knows that young people change their cell phone numbers really often. So if I email him and he doesn’t get it and then I call him and the number is disconnected.. then I am just lost.

So I can’t call. I mean I CANNOT call him. I am so incredibly fearful of calling the number and him NOT having the phone any longer in service. All I can do is be obsessive over it all.
If I call and the number is bad then I will have no choice but to freak out all over the place. I would rather avoid that. So I can’t call.

It’s quite a predicament.

I know I need to get over it. I did finally send the emails to him at both the addresses I had. I heard nothing back. I sent him the message over at Facebook. I have heard nothing Back. Part if me is just saying.. he’s busy, he has things going on.. this is what he has always been like.. and I don’t think it is a pull back or some righteous anger or anything like that.. of course, I could be just telling myself things to make me feel better.. but in my heart, no matter what.. I know it has been too long.

That statement drums in my head all the day.. it’s been too long.. it’s been too long.. and the mother panic is rising like a sharp wave..it’s been too long.. I’m getting more afraid by the day… it’s been too long.. I have to know soon.. where is my baby? Where is my boy?

If I call him and the number’s not good anymore.. then what can I do?

I’m friends with my former secretary on Facebook, but do I want to make her dig up her ex for me?
I could mail something to him, but to be honest, do I trust that he would ever see any mail form me if other people got it first? Not totally confident there, and I would hate to have to wait some more…

I have Googled for some mention of him, but he IS offline. My boy has gone underground. And is he underground from me.. or from life? What if something bad happened!!! NO! Can’t think that. Shush! IS he hiding from me? What if he thinks I am ignoring him ( as opposed to obsessing).. what if he thinks I got bored or am uninterested.. what if THIS is how it always Is? What if he just slips away again? Please, someone tell me that it gets better than this? This fear always.. this wondering.. never a solid ground.. never knowing where you stand.. never just NORMAL.. somewhat normal. Not insane fear and obsessing??

Hi, I am that super birthmother who everyone thinks is strong and perfect as could be and I am just as FUCKED UP as the next one.

And I am not telling you this because I want support. No hugs, no understanding, nothing. Just read this and shush…Please don’t tell me that I just have to get over and call him. I KNOW! Please don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. I just don’t want it to be a secret anymore. I just can’t stand not being truthful and open. I cannot write if I am not real. I just need you to know that I am just as screwed up and human as the rest of us.

I have to process whatever this is. I am in the process of getting over this problem, but it’s taking time. I finally answered when someone asked on Facebook. I wrote his emails. I googled him. Now I am telling you.

I will get there, but in the meantime, know the truth: “Touched by Adoption”=not normal ever.
Not even for me. No one is immune.
No happy endings ever.