When Adoptees #FliptheScript

Unless you have been living under a rock the month of November, you have heard or seen someone talking about #FliptheScript. Since there are many of us who actually WANT to live under a rock for the month long trigger adoption party that is National Adoption Awareness Month, I’m going to write about this now even though the month is over since it really seems like #FliptheScript is still going strong.

I’m also going to write about this now because I purposely did NOT write about, promote, or DO anything about #FliptheScript during the month of NAAM. I’ll get to that.

Lesson Number One; Listen to the Adoptees

I don’t know why I understood this so early on, but I consider it a great benefit that I did.  It was one of my first real “aha!’ come out of the fog moments when I originally got online in 2001; these then unknown adult adoptees who spoke to me on the other end of the MSN adoption forums were the voice of my son. I still didn’t know where he was, or who he was, so I had no idea how he felt, but these kind, raw, honest people could speak for him and I needed to listen. So listen I did and I learned some of the real hard truths early on- this thing I had chosen, this life I had picked for both of us was not the win win I had hoped it would be, that they promised me it would be, for me or more importantly, possibly for him. This thing that was supposed to be better for him had a whole slew of possible issues attached that I was previously,  perhaps somewhat willfully, ignorantly unaware of. I wanted to believe adoption was always a good thing, so it was hard to really hear what the adoptees had to say. We all need to hear it. I do believe that if a pregnant mother considering adoption is able to truly hear the adopteee pain, she will think long and hard about the promised benefits of a possible adoption for her baby. It’s the game changer.

The strength of the adoptee experience and the absolute vital importance of that narrative cannot be underplayed, so the value of #FliptheScript was not lost to me once I saw what was going on.

Questions About #FliptheScript

Since I am online a lot, I did see #FliptheScript unleash early in the month, but in the first days I was unsure of the plan. The basic concept of the idea, I understood, but I had to ask Kat for the “rules”. I wasn’t completely sure if it was for all versions of the “other” side of adoption or just adoptees? I didn’t want to unintentionally co-op an idea and step on any toes.

#FliptheScript is for the adoptee voice. Not mine.

On one hand I so totally got that, that internally I applauded the brilliance of the idea. And in the same heartbeat  I wondered why it felt like everyone was invited to the party and I just found out I missed it. Of course, I know that my voice, my experience is not relevant, so that wasn’t it, but it was a great idea and so exciting and I really wanted to help! I could have help promote, I could have popped it on the calendar, I could have shared more! And granted at the same time I am well aware that I run around the internet all day and miss all kinds of things of great importance in AdoptionLand (lame!). I am also aware that there is no way in hell I can find the time to do everything that I want to do. And that no one person can do everything anyhow, nor should they try. I very well could have missed the planning, but it didn’t feel like that. My bottom lip wanted to protrude in a slight pout.

Still, it felt like such a great thing that I wanted to feel part of it, be part of it.. and I simply wasn’t.

Luckily, I also realized, in the next wave of thoughts, that it was actually kind of presumptuous of me to really even think that the “adoptees” as a whole needed MY help to do this great thing. I mean, isn’t that the whole crux of the movement? To make the point that they are adults now and can think and do and speak for themselves? The mommys and daddys of the adoptees can step aside and let them say what  being adopted is really like and they are the experts able to tell adoptive parents what their adoptees need.  Why would they need me? And truthfully, they really didn’t. That got the word out with excellent placements and they hit the media, but even before that success on a national level – it suddenly felt silly and so shallow for ever feeling slighted. I  promptly sucked in that pouty bottom lip.

The whole point of #FliptheScript was to LISTEN to the adoptee voice and support their truth; and so that is what I did.

Crazy Statement: Sometimes it is Hard NOT be Adopted

Now I have to admit it – sometimes it is hard because I am not an adoptee. That might sound stupid, but I have so many adoptee friends and there are things, like this, where I want to participate, but I can’t. Plenty of times our worlds can comfortably overlap, but there are times when it is just for adoptees. There is a line drawn, a real boundary- one that IS necessary and also completely acceptable – but one that I will not cross, so even if as friends I am welcome in, I will shut the door myself and choose not to cross. But, in all honesty, it is sometimes difficult on a personal level. I have to remind myself often enough that it is NOT my voice that needs to be contributed and no matter how much I might understand and even offer a valuable perspective, even as a mother looking in and getting the issues, it’s still not MY voice that NEEDS to be heard. Yeah, I am a wordy girl and I usually have a lot to say, so just shutting up and really listening without even contributing is hard.

Of course, I am not, by far, the only one. lol I dare say I am just more aware of it.

For example, there have been a more than a few instance during this whole #FliptheScript time when reading people’s reactions has made it all too clear that they totally missed the whole point of #FliptheScript just gauging the commentary. If the comments completely dismissing the adoptee point of view were not so sad and predictable, the irony of them would almost be amusing. I guess those folks didn’t bother waiting for the second waves of thought that went:

“Ah.. this automatic knee jerk reaction emotional comment I just wrote saying how I don’t understand why they are so angry or just focusing on the bad stuff doesn’t reflect MY position in adoption and the strong defense I explained about MY insistence on seeing the beauty of adoption is EXACLY what this person is talking about! Shit, I am such a tool!”

Yup.. seems like lots of folks hit send without re-reading and realizing that their comment was exactly what the adoptee was discussing. More examples hit the waves. And again, we rinse and repeat.

People just do not know when to shut up.

Shush.. Just Shut Your Pie Hole

I imagine that you saw this clueless response from an adoptive parent who has totally missed the point and actually called it a “war”?  Now again, I do  also read the response as a cry to bring National Adoption Month back to being about the wonders of adoption, rather than hearing the adoptees point of view. I hear that adoptive parents, especially ones who have invested the time and effort to be the best adoptive parent that they can be  and to hopefully mitigate the pain for their adopted children, really just hoping and wanting to believe that these adoptees are wrong. I mean after all, if the adoptees are right then they have to face THEIR reality that THEIR children might actually say the same things someday.. and THAT is scary! It’s like admitting that, indeed, they are all doomed. But  it doesn’t have to be like this:

“OMG this adoptee is saying this really hard stuff about adoption and if this person is RIGHT.. if I BELIEVE them.. then my children will also have this pain and everything I have done is crap and worth nothing. And I am a shitty human being for adopting in the first place, but I can’t imagine living like that, so they HAVE TO BE WRONG and I need to tell them why!”

But the thing is, it’s NOT an all or nothing. Like you CAN LISTEN and really HEAR the adoptees and guess what.. it DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ABOUT YOU! Like you can, I can, any adoptive parent or social worker of non adopted affected can just say, “Hmm, I hear you” without going off in that kneejerk emotional reaction that makes you then go and defend YOUR position, YOUR point of view, assuage YOUR own guilt.   It can be done.  And I get that it is hard,  I do.. see….

The “Angry Adoptee” Can Say Mean Things to Birthmothers

I also read the posts that make me emotionally cringe- the real hard ones that are raw and rough, that speak of the feelings of abandonment, that speak of that child lost hurt, confused and wondering why they were not worth the trouble of parenting, wondering how any mother could possible find it in her heart to walk away from her baby, wondering how to resolve the feelings of mistrust, unworth, and rejection that come from their adoption. Yes, there are posts that open lash out in only what could be considered pure anger at the actions of a  birthmother and yes, as a birthmother they hurt my heart to even think that my child might feel this way. It hurts my heart that ANY adoptee might feel this way.

No my knee-jerk emotional reaction and the reaction that I do see many of my sisters allow, is that I want to defend the collective birthmother. I want to sit down and explain to this “angry adoptee” about the mythology of choice and the reality of adoption practices. I want to explain how we hurt too, explain how we were not informed, not allowed to do what we wanted and keep our babies, that we were seduced, tricked, and otherwise cuckolded into drinking adoption Kool-aid. How we though, so many of us so believed that we WERE doing what was best for you, our babies, but that the threat in adoption was not the child, but ourselves the mother, we gave you up so that we could save you from us – your mother.

I could do that, but I do not.

I could also choose to feel hurt and frustrated that this adoptee just doesn’t understand really what mothers faced. I can make it about me and trying to make THIS adoptee “get it” so that I feel better about what I did.

I could do that, but again, I do not.

And I do not because it is not about me. I am not the mother of that hurting adoptee. I don’t even think it is about that hurting adoptees own birthmother or story or circumstances. It is ABOUT THE ADOPTEE AND THEIR RIGHT TO SHARE HOW THEY FEEL.

That’s what #FliptheScipt is. Not reacting, but just listening, supporting, hearing.

Now sometimes, I will comment on an “angry adoptee” posts, but more if another mother has expressed the hurt as described above and she is in a defensive position. Then I try to explain  the adoptee words in mom language so maybe she understands it better, but not matter how much the words might make my breath come in shallow, I will defend the adoptees rights to say “I am angry at my mother. She left me.”

That is the reality of that adoptee’s feelings at the time. It is valid and must be acknowledged. Even if other mothers don’t agree.  Even if it hurts. Even if in AdoptionLand, this boundary has the potential to make my sisters, the other mothers feel badly in some way – though guilt, or shame or just by feeling misunderstood. Again, it is not about us, it is about the adoptees right to feel emotions and speak their truth even when it is in conflict.

And I believe this way, I think this way, I check myself and act this way  BECAUSE I am a MOTHER.

Staying in the Supportive Role of a Parent

Not a birthmother, but just a mother.

A mother who sees that her own personal emotional shit cannot get in the way  of the emotional needs of the child. A mother who understands sacrifice and is willing to still, take the knife, for her child even if it means hurting oneself. A mother who is choosing to put the best needs of her child first. I did it before when it was based on lies, why would I not continue to do this now based on raw truth? It’s not nearly as hard as walking away from my son in the hospital bassinette, now I just don’t type my point of view on Adoptee posts. Oh granted, none of the adoptees speaking out are my son, but.. yeah.. collectively they are my adoptees. Just as they stepped up so many years ago and became the voice of my child, I do believe that I have an obligation to support the needs of the community in return.

And like any mother who has nurtured and wanted what is best for the child, there comes a time when that child stops needing a mother for everything. They begin to rebel, to create their own boundaries, to walk away. They leave home. And parents must put aside their needs and become participants on the sidelines of their child’s life. They are supportive now, caring and the biggest cheerleaders. There is pride in seeing that adult be their own person.

And so, that is the role I have taken for #FliptheScript. Re-post, re-tweet, re-share, but not redirect. And always remember, it’s not about me. It’s about the adoptee as it always should be. I’m just a parent doing the best I can to support the rights of my child…even though the voices of others.

Supporting the Adoptee Voice

#FliptheScript Tweets

• http://www.myfoxphilly.com/clip/10898561/flipthescript-on-good-day-philadelphia
• http://adopteepath.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-war-on-adoption-opinion-of-ap-on.html
• http://assemblingself.blogspot.com/2014/12/the-war-on-national-adoption-month.html
• http://oneoptionnochoice.blogspot.com/2014/12/this-means-war.html
• https://eagoodlife.wordpress.com/2014/12/06/the-war-on-national-adoption-month/
• http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/11/13/adoptees-like-me-flip-the-script-on-the-pro-adoption-narrative/?_r=0
• http://www.thelostdaughters.com/2014/11/what-flipthescript-means-to-me-why-this.html#
• https://redthreadbroken.wordpress.com/2014/11/08/flip-the-script/
• http://noapologiesforbeingme.blogspot.com/2014/11/12-reasons-we-need-to-flip-script-for.html
• http://isatinsilentmusing.wordpress.com/tag/flip-the-script/
• http://takemetoafrica.wordpress.com/2014/11/10/flip-the-script/
  
  There are a heck of a lot more. I really WANT to take them all and make a really good Listly list…. but maybe that’s like doing your kid’s research project so they get a good grade. It’s hard, but I am going to let them do it themselves.Gonna go shut my  own pie hole now. Flip on.