So Cookie dragged my butt to CafeMom..

It actually is a brilliant idea as

1. the damn place is advertised EVERYWHERE
2. it gets lots of really “clueless” folks. I mean , really, can we say open season for trolling!
3. I love working with Cookie.. we made a great tag team.

Anyhoo.. she made a group and then there are a few other groups that I joined. As much as I really hate message boards these days.. such an emotional time suck..it does me good to keep on my toes, and I do like an “undiscovered” country.

So there was this thread here:where a mom, pg with twins is freaking out:

I am new to this group and I am really not sure what I am going to do. I just started school and my husband left me. I am due in March with twin boys. The place where I live does not allow kids because it is a Board and care home. I really do not have the money to take care of these tow the way they deserve. I just do not know what to do.

And I did what I do:

As a single mother in school you will be eligible for much more assistance than if your husband had not left you. It might take some digging to find it, but it will be worth it.
And moving, while it might be a huge pain, will be drastically less painful in the long run than a lifetime of separation from your boys.
What your children deserve is to be with thier family. You, as their mother, will be way more important to them than a fancy nursery or other material things.Plus, being that you are in school..you obviously have goals and dreams.. so you make those things happen. It’s not like you will be in the same place forever. It might take longer with kids in tow, but they won’t notice while you do it. I have yet to see a four year old that really complains that they don’t have baby gap, or a second hand car seat, or even about day care…
Even giving them a life with one parent who is theirs… who understands their souls, how they think because you share the same cellular structure.. is better than two parents who are strangers. It’s insane to think that children have to lose thier mothers to supply them with a more socially acceptable falsehood of two parents.
You husband might of left you, but that does not negate his responsibility to his children… child support.. get it… fight for it.. its your right and theirs!
Go read what adoptees have to say.. do you want to take a chance that yoyur kids might even feel an iota of that pain?
And read the blogs of of mothers who have lived through this… do you want that for your life?
You will be a mother whether you parent or not. In either case you will have to harness the strongerst bit of yoyur being to gert through it. Adoption is not a one time event, but a life altering event. that racks your very soul forever. There is no getting over it.
Choose to keep the joys and pain of motherhood for yourself

and then I embedded the OUSA Video. Which already helped another pregnant woman there to run away from the idea of adoption.

Well …as I repeat to myself over and over again that I like to do this stuff…I find in my PM mailbox this AM my handslapping from a woman who wants those twins!

We Should Think About what INFERTILEs Want

I read your post for “wind23” about her considering placing her twin boys for adoption and I want you to know I think you way over-stepped your boundaries. It is ok to tell her your story and how you feel about your choices but you basically all out told her she would subject her kids to all kinds of things if she placed them for adoption and that she was making a huge mistake. That is not neccessarily true…a lot of adoptions work out well for everyone involved.

I have been talking to her and we would like to adopt her twins…with an open adoption and allow her to be a part of their lives(as much or as little as SHE chooses). Did you ever consider the people out there (like us) that have battled infertility and adoption is the ONLY way we can ever be parents. My husband and I have tried to have a baby for 11 years.We have each had surgeries,had fertility testing, and multiple fertility treatments and we still have no baby. So with our latest testing we were faced with me having yet another surgery($6,000 out of pocket) and then In vitro ($12,500 out of pocket) for a total of $18,500 (out of pocket) for a 50/50 chance we will have a baby. Faced with that we decided to pursue adoption and adopt a child that already exists and needs a home and family….rather than spend so much money to MAYBE have our own.

So you should think about people like us when you decide to try to convince other moms not to place their babies for adoption.Just because you have regret does not mean everyone will. It takes a lot more love to place a child for adoption than it does to keep them when you know that is not what is best for them. Some mothers choose adoption rather than abortion(killing an innocent child that could be a dream come true to a family like mine) think about that.Would you rather see them(birthmothers) abort their children? I pray for you and your bitter heart. You really have a “chip on your shoulder”. This young woman (wind23) has a right to make her own decision….without anyone criticizing her like you did. If she chooses on her own to keep her babies then that is great but it should be HER decision,not yours!!

My Response to the Baby Troller

Good morning to you.

I really do not care that you think that I am overstepping my boundries. I personally feel that people who are so desperae for a baby that they troll on message boards and try to exploit women in vunerable circumstances to be predatory and unethical. Pre birth contact is considered coersive.

Of course, you would like to adopt her twins. And while I am sure that it sucks for you to be infertile, my sympathy really ends there. Sometimes in life you do not get what you want. I do not have to think of people like you.. my job is to think about moms who CAN be good mothers, who need help facing a crisis prenancy and perhaps just someone to tell them the truth.

She can only make an informed decision based on knowing all the facts. You are not going to tell her those facts and either would 99% of the adoption professionals that she might fall in with while “exploring her options”

How about the fact that the secondary infertility rates for mothers who relinquish are over double that of the normal population?

How about the fact that adoptees are over reresented on both the mental health field, prison, and in suicide stats? See here: http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=24592

How about the risks of PTSD, depression, adictions, risk behaviors, abusive relationships, affects in parent subsequent children, and troubles in virtually all aspects of thier lives after relinquishment?

Can you point her out to dozens of scientific studies that tell her of these? Don’t belive me? Go here: http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=24594 …I can.

If she KNOWS the risks, just like if she was having a medical procedure and needed to decide if the risks outweighed the precieved benefits, then she is making an INFORMED TRUE CHOICE.

What are you so afraid of? That she would go read what dozens of other mothers who surrended have to say? That our message that you never get over losing your child might take away your chances? That she might actually read about the pain that faces many adoptees on blogs and realize that she would rather raise her kids herself even with a few years of hard times.. that it would be worth it for her and them?

Yes, it should be HER decision, but based on real information not based on what you want.

You want a child.. great. I do not condemn you for wanting a child, but I can crritique how you are going about getting one. Actually I wouldn’t have bothered but since you started it! 🙂 There actually ARE thousands of children in foster care that really NEED families. These boys, right now, have a mother and father…it is NOT determined yet that they NEED to find another family. She shows no signs of beating them, or abusing them..nope, all she is is scared, confused and oerwhelmed with what life has given her right now. I bet she’ll still love tham and want them with every ounce of her being.

Adoption should be about finding families for children tha NEED families, not finding babies for people, infertile or not, that WANT them. It’s not about what YOU want. It’s about what these children need. And child welfare professionals say that adoption should be the last resort..that children are better off served in their natural families. The United Nations says it UNICEF says it, child welfare leaugue says it, the evan b donaldson adoption institute says it.

And this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ABORTION. She does not even mention abortion..plus it is not any woman’s job to carry a pregnancy to term because you cannot. You are not entitled to have a child no matter how much you want one. Adapt to reality. Your reality is that you cannot bear a child. Her reality is that she will be the mother to twins.

You can continue to be motivated by your own desires and live in denial, but if you really continue to presue adoption, then it would behoove any child you parent to educate yourself much more on the subject. You are believing the propaganda and hype that has been sold to you by an industry that wants your money. It IS an over 5 billion dollare a year industry. Women do not get over losing thier children to adoption. The desire you have for any child is just as real for a mother who desires HER VERY OWN flesh and blood. Read the blogs yourself.

You can call it critizem, I call it education. You just stared this “process”, I have lived it for over 20 years and the last 7 have been doing research, talking to hundreds of adoptees , adoptive parents and mothers. I do not make this stuff up. you can dismiss me as bitter, but that’s just your fear talking. You don’t want me to be right, so you need a way to make me wrong. But that too cannot happen just because you desire it so.

Now you can go off saying how mean and awful I am. I really do not care. I have nothing against you..this isn’t about you. It’s about a woman who needs some support, some real facts, and some understanding. I don’t think that she needs someone to take her kids from her. You want them. But it’s not about you..it’s not about me..its about her.

And I don’t have her telling me to back off. Just you..and that’s not going to happen. Sorry.

Sincerely,

Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy…

and i am not afraid of signing my name.