A Complete Rant About Adoption Addicts
We were talking about adoption the other day, no big surprise there. I forget even what the topic was, but Scarlett looked at me and asked, “Why do people adopt a kid if they can have one of their own?”
It was one of those adoption questions where I really don’t have an answer. I mean, I don’t have the mentality at all to adopt from the beginning. At this point, I obviously would not consider adopting under any circumstances, but even setting my own understanding of adoption aside, I understand her question.Why do people adopt a kid if they can have one of their own?
I find it easier to understand the straight ” infertility equals adoption” logic. While I’d rather see people just accept their challenges of life and not feel they have to procure children from other sources, I do understand that most folks go into this unknowing of all the issues. We are taught to think “adoption saves poor unwanted children” and I have heard the answer come to play many times when discussing pregnancy issues, “Oh, you could just adopt!”
When I see a parent profile or adoptive parent blog that lists 2 or 3 bio kids, say like 3 boys, and then the parents announcing that they desire to “complete” their family through china adoption for their “little angel”, I have a bit less tolerance.
Or like this family situation really annoys me; OK ,You started the adoption process, but then got pregnant. So STOP adopting. You don’t need to anymore! What, do you have too much money and time invested or something? Wait, you get diagnosed with cancer and just keep on going with adoption like this somehow is a good idea?
Or the families that just keep on adopting again and again. And I don t mean the ones that have a houseful of truly special needs kids that would be in danger of never finding a permanent homes. I can actually commend the folks that have a brood of kids with issues. I mean the families that have three or four or more domestic or international adopted ones. The ones that give the Angelina Jolies a run for their money. They just annoy me more than regular adoption situations.
Adoption Hoarders and Kid Collectors
Since there really wasn’t much tolerance to begin with, we’re talking a dangerously low level! I mean, sure, maybe I am wrong and maybe I am harsh, but really? Isn’t that, you know, kind of greedy to be hogging up all the adoptable kids?
If adoption is about supply and demand, which it is, then a family that hogs up three or more domestic situations is really being kind of piggy. It’s like they just keep taking and taking an already taxed system. Like do they think that there are just broods of birthmothers waiting around to bare them offspring? Don’t they know how many other folks are waiting for their own forever families and are sitting on waiting lists while they keep all the kids for themselves?
It’s like they are adoption hoarders; keeping all the kids for themselves and creating a bigger demand for kids. Why can’t they be happy with getting one or two kids? It just doesn’t seem fair at all.
I mean, as I said, I can see wanting one kid. I can even see not wanting to have an only child and getting two adopted kids. I would think it’s more complicated to have a bio-kid and then adopt one; since there is the difference, even if so many people say that it’s the same. But ok, you have one, experience secondary infertility and go for adoption for the second. I would tend to think it’s more unfair, to adopt one and then have a slew of bio-kids. The adopted one could feel like the odd one out. But as I said, if you have a few bios, then why they hell do you have to adopt? Can’t you just be happy with what you got? Why do you have to have more? Why can’t your family be enough?
So that’s my rant.
Uh boy. Wish you had been at St. Johns. The lovely Evangelical movie they showed would have illuminated this a bit for you. It was, uh, interesting.
http://offbeatfamilies.com/2012/10/choosing-adoption-over-pregnancy
Check out these chicks…height of entitlement?
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You are “done at 6”? Well, thank God. Sorry, but as an adoptee, I can say that it completely and totally sucks to have been adopted by someone with their own kids.
“Genetics have nothing to do with the wonder we feel about our kids”. Well, isn’t that nice, coming from someone who is not adopted, and has her own kid. Guess what, genetics ARE important to those of us who are raised by strangers- especially to those of us who are raised by strangers who have their own kids. Their genetics are thrown in our faces 24/7/365. Because genetics do NOT change.
To compare Claud & the NATURAL act of childbirth to a child hoarding adoptoraptor shows exactly how clueless you are. There is nothing natural about adoption. NOTHING. Giving birth is natural. Adoption is NOT. Get over yourself.
You act as if adoption is altruistic. You didn’t “save” those siblings- someone else would have taken them. You were available. Period.
My son was adopted by people who claimed they could not have their own children, then did end up having their own son a few years later.
They were even so “nice” to name their bio son the exact same name I gave my son in the hospital, which is on his OBC. Although we were supposed to be involved in an open adoption, having MY son and theirs did not satisfy their greedy entitlement. They burned off with my son and up and moved when he was 7, leaving no forwarding contact info and leaving me not knowing if my child was dead or alive for several long agonizing years. When I finally found him they treated me like an unwelcome intruder. How dare I.
I will never understand how people could behave like that when they HAD THEIR OWN CHILD. The only conclusion I could come up with is that she was going to make someone (me) pay for her brief infertility before she adopted my child. That must have truly made her nuts, because I have never in my life known people as selfish, hoarding and greedy as these people are; when they had the best of both worlds, someone else’s child and their own. Sick…
They probably love your son fiercely and are petrified you will try to take him back. In their eyes, he is their “OWN” child. I’m sorry that because of their insecurities you’ve lost the opportunity to participate in his life. It is unfair.
Genetics is extremely important.
As is genetic mirroring.
The ONLY reason the Ugly Duckling thought he was ugly and deserved to die was because he looked nothing like his family.
I am an adoptee raised by adopters who had a child if their own. It sucked. In so many ways; on so many levels.
Hoarding is done by emotionally ill people. It’s SUCH unhealthy behavior. Who even attempts to argue that?
“Who even attempts to argue that?” Emotionally ill people, lol. And then, they remove their comments and go home.
Samantha P–that link was eye opening to say the least! As I was reading the post and the comments I was honestly in shock. All I could picture were a bunch of thin rich gals fearful of losing their sex appeal. I’m sorry but if you can’t deal with pregnancy for 9 months how the hell do they think they’re going to deal with an actual child? There is something so unnatural about women who are perfectly capable of having children but decide to adopt. It’s odd, maybe there is some kind of psych disorder that is undiagnosed?
Some women do have a really hard time with pregnancy…but that doesn’t entitle them to a baby! I have a friend who is planning to do a surrogacy with another friend as the surrogate, but that is because he is gay.
Why oh why does someone always have to come around and talk about how love for adopted children is always the same as genetic children.
Yes, some children are not loved by their bio-parents. Yes, some children are loved just the same, if not better, than bio children. It’s not the norm tho! Genetics very much does matter and no matter what the adoptive family says or thinks, that doesn’t change…especially for people outside of the nuclear family unit.
I wasn’t officially adopted by my aunt and uncle but I call them mom and dad all the same. My situation was not borne out of infertility but from neglect by my bio parents. I am dad’s favorite child and I’m the only one not related to him in any shape or fashion. His older bio-children hate me for it and have always treated me like dirt once I got old enough to have an opinion of my own and was no longer the cute little ‘orphan’.
My mom had my ‘sister’ when I was 10 years old. I can unequivocally state that there was very much a difference in how we were treated. She didn’t intend on it but there it was. Whenever I complained about it, I was told that I shouldn’t expect much being that I wasn’t her natural daughter and that I should be appreciative of all she has done for me.
What made things more difficult is that ‘mom’ was, in reality, only my half-aunt. Her genetics were completely different from mine and I was raised among her extended relatives who had nothing to do with my bio-family. I’m blonde, extremely pale, short, stocky, and would rather spend my time reading than anything else. Mom’s family are a mix of tall and short but all of them are naturally thin, athletic, agile, and naturally tan with the ability to gain a golden glow (and no burn!) after a mere 10 minutes in the sun. (That particular trait led to myself getting horrible burns as a child because they didn’t think to put sunblock on me! The women of that family are also drop-dead gorgeous while I am only middling pretty because of my personality.
I didn’t fit in…at all. Does this happen to bio children? Yes…but it happens wayyyy more often to non-bio children. Family expectations were based on my non-bio families genetic experiences and capabilities. Expectations that I could never live up to due mostly to genetics. For example: I was expected to be thin and athletic and made to be so to the point of tears.
I really could go on and on…my final word tho unless anyone has any questions is that when I moved to Wisconsin to try out life among the relatives who were just like me, life was extremely different. I felt like I belonged even though I don’t have a close relationship with them because of the years and distance (I grew up in Florida). Most of them are just like me! They think like me! They have many of the same interests! We even like the same food! Wow…
I noticed that not one single woman made any mention of who was going to supply all of the babies that women who don’t want to go through pregnancy are going to adopt. They seem to asume that there are so many infants readily available to be adopted. As if you just go to the baby store and pick out your custom ordered kid. Maybe they are unaware of the long time it takes to find a child (which I’m sure they will complain about vigourously as they seem to think they are entitled to a baby as soon as they want one). They will probably not understand that the reason there are not endless babies available is because the vast majority of women want to keep their own children.
Apparently according to you I have my own baby factory, just popping the kids out….c’mon you said it, doesn’t happen that way.
The women in the article that Samantha posted the link to are not infertile. They just don’t want to go through the discomfort and inconvenience of pregnancy. Yet, they want to be parents (and most of them probably of infants). Therefore, they are expecting another woman to give them HER baby.
Baby hoarder here… My two cents, not all of us set out to be. Yes, I am infertile(endometriosis)and I have domestically adopted 3 children. Our first son was born in 2007, our next in 2011. We were trying for 2 years to adopt for our second child. Then just a short 8 1/2 months later we were asked by our second sons parents to adopt the child they were now having. A few shirt weeks later our daughter came into the world. Now we were done adopting after our second, but when asked to take this baby and keep the siblings together, we said yes. If that is wrong of me then call me what you want. Yes of course there would have been thousands of people lined up to adopt this baby girl( who we also didn’t know was a girl til she was born, for anyone thinking we said yes because of that) but would she be guaranteed to know her brother and her parents and sisters that are with their parents??? Nope, but wit is it was!!! We have an open adoption and they will always have their genetic mirroring because of it. It’s actually one of the things I value most in open adoption. So for people who think I am a baby hoarder without knowing my story, so be it. I wouldn’t change what I have done, and I would do it again if asked!
The couple who keep having children just to give them away are cruel. I guess they don’t much about the effect of adoption on the child. They should have a vasectomy or tubal ligation and stop creating children to purposefully give them up for adoption. That is unforgivable.
Again, you don’t know their story. You were the one that said a majority of woman want to keep their babies, dont assume they didn’t. They are not cruel and they didn’t purposefully create the children to place for adoption. Really, I highly doubt the majority of woman do that either.
I do not think that most children want to be given up for adoption. For many it is a hard, difficult road that they would rather not travel. This couple had already given up one child. Either they were not interested in parenting or felt that they were not in a position to do so. In either case, I find it repugnant that they would not go to any lengths to prevent the same thing from happening to another child of theirs. As you mentioned, the girl could have been given to a family of strangers with no knowledge or or connection to her bio-family. By creating another child, the natural parents risked subjecting her to that.
If the couple did want to parent their obviously were obstacles that they could not overcome. If their circumstances had not changed from the first relinquishment, then most likely they were going to have another child that would be given up for adoption as well.
It would behoove adoptive parents to listen to what adult adoptees have to say. We have lived adoption all of our lives and did not have any say or get to make any choices about being adopted. I did not criticize you for adopting these children. But I do disrespect anyone who has baby after baby and gives them up for adoption when that is easy to prevent.
I do listen and learn to adult adoptees, that why I am here and on other sites. I want to help my children the best I can. Yes, do I wish they weren’t in the same position a short time later but yet again,you do not know if they were doing something to prevent it, that’s an assumption. And I refuse to let them be spoken of this way. I am also happy they didn’t abort her. I would like to learn more from someone like yourself about the life of an adopted child not just the disdain you have for their parents that placed them with us.
I hope that you will listen to your adopted children and let them tell you their real feelings and their truth about their experience. They are, after all, the ones who are living the adopted life.
There are many great adoptee and first mother blogs and I comment frequently at several of them. I can give you some names if you like or you can just look at the blog rolls at the places I comment.
I will always listen to my children, I hope and pray they will always be able to share their feelings about being adopted. My oldest is 5 and he is very open, hope it stays that way! Thank you Robin, when I am not mobile I will look at your profile for the blogs you follow. I have a question, if you wouldn’t mind. Do you think truly open adoptions will help my children navigate the life as an adoptee better than a closed one? I know there is not much info out there from adoptees in open adoptions because it is new, but wondering if you think life may have been different for you if you had one. Thanks again for your time.
As as an adult adoptee I have never been enamored with the idea of open adoption. I did not want my first parent(s) to take me to the zoo, I wanted to live with them and have them raise me. What if they would move out of town and start a new family and not see me as much or ever? Open adoption seems to me that it could potentially set the stage for repeated rejections. I would rather have only been a part of my a-family until the age of 18 when I could decide for myself. The only advantage I can see is knowing who my natural parents were would have been better than having imaginary figures in my head. It seems that children have an innate need to be loved and valued by their natural parents. I don’t think that open adoption would get rid of the pain of being given away in the first place.”
I see open adoption as being more advantageous for the natural parents than it is for the child. What if the first mother doesn’t call or visit when she says she will? This would cause the child a lot of hurt and feelings of unworthiness. It is akin to setting up a child to be in a divorce type situation where the natural parent(s) has visitation. If there are several adopted children in the family, one may have more contact with his first family than the others do. This could cause problems. Also, if a an adopted child has bio-kid siblings it could hurt to know that, first of all, your siblings weren’t given away and secondly, if your first mother drops out of the picture then your whole family will have to deal with you being rejected again.
I absolutely believe, unequivocably, that every child has the right to know who his original parents and extended family are and has the unfettered right to his OBC. But I have never been convinced of the advantages of open adoption for the child.
In my case, open adoption would never have been on the table. If I had been born when it was not such a stigma to have a child out of wedlock, there is no question that my mother would have kept me.
I can tell you love your children very much and are very protective of them.
Thank you so much for sharing and for your comment at the end! They are everything to me and I only want to do everything I can for them to be happy and healthy. Some of the thing you have brought up were/are some of my concerns.We would only do an open adoption for our second because of the contact my older son has with his birth fam. Our younger two have two older sisters and a brother and it very much concerns me how they will handle that. As for visits being cancelled or limited as time goes on, we try to tell him when we know plans are pretty concrete as not to disappoint him if wither of us have to cancel. It has only happened once due to a blizzard and he knew she was supposed to come but understood why she wasn’t. I will keep all you have said in my heart and mind as I try like hell to do my best to help my kids work through their feelings. Thank you again and I wish it was different back then and you mom could have made a different decision.
Here is a link to an article that you might find interesting. It was written by an adoptee who was raised in an open adoption.
http://www.keepyourbaby.com
Click the link “What adoptees say about adoption” and then “The open adoption experiment” by “Pink Bubbler”. The other links to what adoptees have to say are good, too.
Any good parent wants to alleviate their child’s pain. I am sorry to tell you though, that if your children have a lot of pain from being adopted (not all children do) you will not be able to eliminate it or resolve it. The best you can do is to be there for them and allow them their own feelings about what happened to them.
I know the Pink Bubblier piece all to well. that was actually originally written on a post that as on Anti-Adoption Insights back in the day. It was one of the few amazing pieces that were copied and preserved before MSN took away all the MSN Groups without decent warning. I helped make sure that was kept as it was one of the very first reports of open adoption told by the adoptee.
Since I had the Pink Bubbler piece saved as well, I have added it here to the Guest Posts. http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/the-open-adoption-experiment/