Beleive it or not, this is not about adoption.

I was at work tonight..and at one point I was standing behind, Nadia. I don’t know why, but I suddenly had the urge to just pat her shoulders..her back was to me. It’s a funny place, this resturant, and we all are pretty close to each other..lots of highjinks, teasing, jokes, so this was not any weirdo thing. I didn’t think anything of it, I just did it.

Anyway, she was wearing this silk like blouse..and for what ever reason, when I touched her choulders, which was nothing I ever did before, it was like a jolt of lighting.
They felt just like my mother’s.
Now my mom passed almost 12 years ago from colon cancer..and OMG…I was hit with this HUGE wave of grief so damn hard..it was like a truck slamming into me.

I think I must have recoiled in shock, maybe even exclaimed, made some sound..and I immediately had tears in my eyes. It was so like my body remembered..and in feeling that again, instantly wanted to really be able to touch my mom again. Intense, overwhelming..all words too benign to use. I had that tightness in my chest, my stomach rose up, my eyes teared, my nose started running..all in the middle of a very busy night.

I quickly explained…must have looked like a nut. Then I went outside and had myself a ciggarette. If I could have given in to the sadness, and just bawled, I would have. But I had to push it down. It took me a full five minutes of fighting it. dabbing at my eyes so that my make up would not run…feeling so silly..I mean it has been over a decade and I could have cried like a baby who just really wanted her mommy. And I did…like so badly..like nothing I have felt in years.

The last time something like this happened, Rye and I were on LI going to a party or somthing..and as we drove down the Southern State Parkway, we got to my old exit…and more than anything in the whole world at that moment , I just wanted to go home. I wanted to be able to turn off on the exit, follow the familer signs and go to my house…long since sold. I wanted to find my mom at home. I wanted to have her just be there. With every bit of my being I just wanted her to be at home. And like tonight, it hit me and took me by surprise, and I did just cry..safe in the car that time.

I am still in a bit of shock over it. Like I haven’t even thought of my mother in a physical sense for so long. Imagined hugging her, or being able to cry to her, or just feeling safe in her arms, but tonight it came crashing on me.

Something in the thiness of Nadia’s bones, the feel of the silk on her small frame, the slight build…my fingers remembered..and it all work up.

Grief amazes me. It really does. It can hit you like a mack truck at the weidest moments..just mow you down long after the fact. And oh, I have such a new profound respect for the power of the touch.

Needless to say..I fear poor Nadia’s shoulders now. We both agreed that I should not do that again. But I have to admit, I really want to. For that split second in time…I felt my mom again..and it has been so long..and it felt really good..it hurt, but it felt so good to remember.

I miss her alot. It’s hard losing your mom. I was only 26 when she died. My grandmother died before her by 12 years..my grandfather after my mom, my father has been out of my life since I was 16, my mother’s sister and I are estranged, and my last uncle is “very busy’. I have 3 of my four children..and my husband, my brother that I see maybe twice a year..and I have to say..I feel like an orphan, I have lost my clan, my home. I am so thankful for what I do have..my immediate family, my husbands family, our friends, my internet world ( yea that’s you!)..but there is something special about a mom.

Sigh…it felt wrong to push down that grief today. Felt wrong to box it up and control it. I wanted to let it come at me, let the waves hit me down, roll me over, make me raw..but I was at work and it would have been a big one. I was going to be a mess if I didn’t stop it. I had little choice. But right now..I feel like something inside me has woken up. It’s very odd.

Maybe one day if I have time, and if she won’t think I am a freak, I will ask Nadia if I can pat her shoulder’s again. Maybe now, that I am home and the house is quiet, I will go wake up my husband and cry to him. He has really broad shoulders and they work nicely, but they are not my moms.

sigh