don’t you just want to TOUCH him???? i don’t know how you contain yourself.

My dear IRL friend KT ( Hi!!!) wrote this to me in a meassge. Regarding Max, of course.
And the anwser is a wholehearted YES!!!!

Truthfully, I am dying to. I don’t know how I contain myself either. It will be two years in July that I have known where he is. Oh to resist the urge to get into my car and just drive….been battling that forever it seems. But there is one thing that I am good at by now…and that is waiting.

Waiting for the years to go by, waiting the first contact, waiting for the reply to my letter, waiting for pictures, waiting for more time to go by until I found him myself, waiting to slowly forge a relationship though messages, waiting for the first inkling of a face to face meeting, waiting to have a response to my letter to his folks to make the face to face easier…

So the letter is OUT, been received, he has tempted me with a visit, I have my ducks in order, my children prepared…and now we wait some more.

Yes, I will admit, my desperation to TOUCH him has caused me to beg ( almost) for a drive by visit when he goes to Bonaroo in June…Ok I didn’t beg, but I hinted strongly that he pretty much has to go past my house and I live 5 minutes off the thruway..and I would feed them!!

Oh yeah, I know it is hardly ideal. Will he want to combine the first, maybe emotional and private, meeting with his family of blood with a fun, action and music packed weekend with his friends?? Probably not..as his lack of reply to my coy message has lead me to believe, but heck..that is desperation for you! The invites have been out, I have expressed my desire and willingness. I cannot, in good faith, just decide that I have had enough and make that drive myself without being invited…so ah, I wait.

Now, I have the sneaking suspicion that he operates a bit like me. I hem and I haw over things. I muddle them over in my brain and procrastinate any action…until POP! I am suddenly ready and have a great need to finally do what I have been putting off doing. It seems impulsive, but I have been chewing on it for eons. And so, I fiqure that one day, he will wake up and decide..that’s it…and he will be on his way. I might not even have any warning..and that is fine..though for some reason, I find that I would like to have balloons to great him. I have NO issue whats so ever with calling in to work because my SON is visiting!!! In fact, my co workers understand the importance of this event, should it come to pass, and would probably not grumble ( too much)..SO with this thinking..I am at a heightened state of readiness…sort of like a code red that they had us all at after 911.

All this readiness…can eventually get you down. Hard to keep happily waiting for a Christmas that never comes. You keep staring at the calendar..and the days don’t go by…or they do rather, but the blessed holiday never gets any closer. And there is not much more..in my good conciseness and power that I can do. I can’t demand that it happens. I cannot force myself on him. I can’t walk over the line to pushy or needy.

So I write my happy chatty emails. I chat with his girlfriend who supplies me with prom pictures. I try to be tempting. I take great pleasure when someone his age deems me as “cool”…yeah, that’s pretty pathetic, I know. But like this new waiter kid is at work..he’s just 21. And we are all hanging out one night after service..and I said something..and he looked at me and said “You are just……awsome!”. I think I was referring to some jerk as a Fucktard….which is a great word…and it got points. lol. In any case, being deemed “awsome” by a contemporary of my son…stupid little things that get my hopes up to be truly accepted. Why not..I really have nothing else at this time.

And I am ready. Been ready. Want to move on..take that next step….to hear him, to TOUCH him…but I am stuck…waiting. bleh.