I get frustrated when I discuss my feelings on adoption and someone inevitably says to me,
But adoption is different these days. Surely, you must think that open adoption is better. Adoption just not the same as what you went through.
“Really?” I want to say in my best snarky roll my eyes to the god’s way, “Really? You mean human nature has changed so much that mommas actually like giving away their babies?”
But I don’t say that because it’s not nice and then I seem snarky, as I naturally am, and angry, as I am naturally not, and I know no one will ever listen to me. So I try most calmly to explain, once again, that even with open adoption comes the pain from the loss and separation. That even with an open adoption, the birthmother has her primal role as the mother removed and that hurts. That even with open adoption, there is a weird power thing that can happen just based on human nature and what we as society still have ingrained as far as acceptable adoption practices and that the stereotypes are very hard to break. That even with open adoption, in the most logical of circumstances, that even in a “modern adoption”, the “perfect birthmother” (just like I strove to be during my time), could have feelings very much like mine and frequently do.. though so many will admit to fearing ever letting one iota of a negative thought get heard from the parents of her child least they get wiggy and begin to shut her out.
So, I don’t say it snarky, but I try to make sure that it is clear that while I do think an open adoption is better; I still think that there are issues and difficulties invoked and honestly, if at all possible, from a birthmothers perspective and long term well being, one really does want to avoid adoption at all costs. It’s no cake walk and I would not wish this life on my worst enemy.
Bottom line, from my perspective, the foundation of adoption has NOT changed in that way.
A mother and child are still separated by terrible circumstances of life and while often great joy and the best of all intentions are all around, often it really hurts all too much to relinquish and the grief should be avoided. There needs so major overhaul in the adoption industry to get rid of all that, if at all.
But I can tell you that I do see how adoption had changed.
When I began this journey into adoption research and becoming part of this community, I was just as clueless and full of topical stereotypes and societal teachings as the nest person in line. My first postings at adoption forums back in 2001(?) were honestly full of pride for being a birthmother and I enjoyed, still, being told how strong and selfless I was.
It was when I began to listen to the adoptees, and rethink what I thought to be true, that my own truth was given free reign and I began to feel the grief and loss for what it truly was, not what I desired it to be. And so, I began to write about that and adoption truth as I learned it.
Back then.. unless you were on a real “anti-adoption” site, no one wanted to hear anything about the pain and grief of being a birthmother. No one.
Max was still a young teen then and still a complete unknown to my life. Just my boy out there, somewhere.. but at least I didn’t get the “your adoption was over 20 years ago” as I do now. No, there were better ways to dismiss me and my words:
- I’m sorry you had a bad experience, not everyone feels as you do. ( but it wasn’t a “bad” experience..it was exactly how an adoption then was suppose to go down)
- You should talk to someone about your anger.( I’m not really that angry)
- You need therapy. (been there, done that..can’t bring back all the years that I missed)
- My (child’s) birthmother is grateful.. you should be too. (okkkkay.. nah)
- You should be happy that someone wanted to be a good parent to your child and did your dirty work.
- The nerve of you to even insinuate that birthmothers ( or usually this came from another birthmother who would be really angry at me!) who make the choice of adoption is anything but courageous.
- And numerous various other forms of just really often vicious commentary.
Inevitably, I would get banned or kicked out of whatever adoption group I was in even if I spoke very very kindly at all times.
There was even a time when I successfully (and then very un- successfully) went undercover just to get to speak my mind as some places banned me on site. For the record, that was a real bad idea though it was not my idea, I regret that instance. Needless to say, whether it was other moms, or adoptive parents or adoptees, I was told I had no idea what I was talking about. But I refused to shut up.
Slowly, even on the most “happy-we-love -adoption” kind of places, I noticed that the agreements stopped being all so one sided. And if someone told me I had no clue what I was talking about, they were told otherwise. . I had people who could back up what I was saying. And then there were more people who not only accepted that being a birthmother often means that you get a great big dose of horrdrous grief, but they were saying it too. In fact, after a while, there were adoptive parents who I knew and THEY were saying things that I would say about adoption.
When a considering mother would come on new to a board asking about adoption, there would not be a whole bunch of waiting parents sending her to their “Dear Birthmother” web address, but rather adoptive parents telling her to seriously consider parenting, wait till after birth to make her decision, and do her own research.
These changes as well as working side by side with wonderful and dedicated adoptive parents, being so openly accepted on this blog, and so many other small rays of light on this almost 10 year journey of speaking out, have given me great hope for the future of adoption and the true possibility of understanding and a real ethical change.
Today, another nugget of pure hope has fallen into my lap. The executive director of an adoption agency has requested permission to have one of my pieces on birthmother grief be included in their required reading for both prospective adoptive parents and also for considering mothers. The piece is harsh, raw, emotional, and not favorable to the goal of relinquishment at all. Honestly, it goes against what I would imagine every agency having as one of their main criteria for “pre adoption surrender” reading.
In this, I can say, yes, I see a change in adoption.
Oh it might be small. It might not be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It might not be a game changer. But it is something I never would have imagine happening.
People are accepting what is the real foundation and truth of adoption and there is a true understanding and often compassion to the suffering of a birthmother. People are re-thinking what they think they know about adoption. I see it. It’s incredible.
And I tell you; this internet is a wonderful thing. No one can ever tell me that real change in the world cannot happen with merely a keyboard and 26 letters. I’m watching it unfold and it is truly a sight to behold. In this, it has been a wonderful journey and hope, she carries me on….
My answer: not enough. And I say that from the often-unwelcome perspective of an adoption professional whose career (however well-intended) has been sadly built on the misfortunes of others (whether the infertile or the hyperfertile or the most-fertile-at-the-worst-possible-time.)
I began working in adoption 20 years ago, and while there are signs of hope here and there, there is still so much more that needs to happen before adoption can either be eliminated for good or overhauled to the point that it is truly child-centered.
Blackmarket adoptions, unfortunately, are still a thriving industry in modern-day America. Baby brokers outnumber reformers, and attorneys continue to play the role of social workers, while agency fees rise every year. And we still lack nationwide legal protections to ensure the sanctity and enforceability of the agreements being made and to guarantee all adoptees’ lifelong access to their own truths, their families of origin and their original birth records.
Birthparents are still all-too-often devalued and exploited, while adoptive parents are still far too willing to blithely buy others’ children, both in this country and abroad, naively believing that the ends justify the means.
Open adoption is all too often nothing more than a sales pitch, and there’s still no federal oversight of the numbers of placements done in this country each year, nor the legality of thousands of annual interstate placements. (Lawmakers voted down the Uniform Adoption Act, and have been arguing over changes to the ICPC for years, to no avail.)
But for those who do want to see the half-full glass rather than the half-empty one; I do think more ethical adoption professionals are working harder to offering expectant parents a more realistic view of the lifelong losses and the undeniable grief that come with the relinquishment. Birthparents today have greater opportunity to select their child’s new home and continue some means of contact after placement, with roughly a dozen states recognizing post-placement contact agreements as being legally-enforceable. Fathers’ rights have become a greater concern in many states, as well, as more recognize the need for men to have a say in adoption decisions as well.
And more and more adoptive parents are seeking to educate themselves about the benefits of openness as applicable to the best interests of the child/ren they adopt, enabling those kids to grow up with some degree of access to and contact with their birthfamilies. More families who adopt are beginning to recognize that children adopted without any say in the matter surely deserve to know their own stories from Chapter One, and have both their families (first and adoptive) recognized as part of their “forever family.”
There is so much that still needs changing. But that said, all of us in the adoption community do seem to be learning better to listen to each other and work together towards change, real and lasting change that truly honors the children, most of all.
It just can’t happen soon enough.
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