One of the most common questions adoptees are asked when they tell people they are searching for their biological family or have been reunited is “why would you even want to search?”
The insensitivity of this question makes my blood boil. I have to pause and count to ten before replying. Sometimes when that doesn’t work and the blood boiling makes my head feel like it’s going to explode then I have to count to 100. Sometimes I am just too exhausted to go into detail and let the moment pass without answer.
This moment is intensified when such a naive question is asked by a fellow adoptee, but that is another post for another day.
The total lack of insight and understanding of our society, and especially the pro-adoption Christian church, into the life long effects of being an adoptee is startling.
Imagine what it’s like your entire life every single time you go to the doctor and are asked to fill out a medical history form you can’t. All you can do is write ADOPTED in large letters across the page which is code for being totally and completely clueless about your medical history Then, despite writing adopted across the page you are still badgered with questions once you reach the examination room (first by the nurse then by the doctor). Every single time you visit a physician, dentist, eye doctor, or have any type of medical procedure performed you are reminded that you are adopted and are required to provide an explanation as to why you do not have the normal information that every other human being knows about themselves.
We as a society understand the need for this information and how certain illnesses run in families. This information allows us to take preventative measures both in lifestyle and through advanced screening. This is basic information that adoptees, especially from the closed records Baby Scoop Era, do not have about themselves. We are literally playing Russian Roulette with our health. This doesn’t just affect us but our children and grandchildren as well who are also unable to complete their full family medical history.
The need for family medical history is not the only reason adoptees search (I plan to run a full series on this blog as to the reasons why), but it is definitely a reason at the top of the list.
Often adoptees begin their searches not realizing how much time and effort will go into the process. It truly is an emotional roller coaster ride. So much time, energy, and focus goes into the search that we are often unable to see past the search into the future. Will we ever finally know the truth? Will we be accepted or rejected when we actually find a person?
Nothing prepares an adoptee for a search leading to a grave.
How do you describe what it’s like to get that phone call saying “we’ve found your mother, but I’m sorry to have to tell you she died of breast cancer back in 1996.”
When I received this information a part of me went numb, and I never really processed the news until years later. Suddenly I had a name. I knew who the family was. I jumped into attempting contact which led to a reunion unfolding.
Later that same year I went to my first doctor appointment after being reunited with my maternal biological family. For the very first time in my life when asked to update my family medical history I finally knew many of the answers. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I finally knew a little bit about who I was. I remember thinking to myself “is this what it feels like to be a normal person?”
As the visit unfolded my doctor suggested that we get a baseline mammogram since my mother died of breast cancer at the young age of 49. I was only 37 at the time and too young to start having mammograms, but because of the family medical history suddenly being screened was very important.
These events resulted in having a mammogram the week before Christmas 2002 (one year after gaining access to my adoption file). When my daughter was in Kindergarten I felt a lump in my breast and ended up having a lumpectomy where they removed the mass. I was a young mom in my 20’s at the time and thankfully it turned out to be benign. Of course I had no idea there was a family medical history of breast cancer with not only my mother but also a great aunt as well as other benign scares in the family.
Most women know the routine. You are taken in the back. Remove your shirt and bra. You are given a fluffy robe to put on (often pink). Then you go to a waiting room where you wait your turn to have your mammogram. Then you return to the waiting room where you wait while they check the scan. You usually aren’t given the results that day but they check the scan like they do any x-ray to make sure the pictures are good.
After my test I sat and waited then sat and waited some more. The women who were there when I was taken back had all gone. The women that came back with me had come and gone. Several new rounds of women had come and gone. And I sat and waited. I began to panic. Finally my name was called and I was taken into an office where I was told something showed up on my scan and I needed to have a biopsy. The biopsy was scheduled for the week after Christmas.
I can’t begin to describe what this felt like when I had just discovered in the past year that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 42 and died at 49. Every thought imaginable runs through your mind.
There was a cloud hanging over Christmas that year. The day I went for the biopsy was one of the most difficult days of my life. I was told to lay on the table on my stomach with my robe open with my breasts in the cut out opening on the table. Then they raised the table. The surgeon came in the room and sat on a chair under the table to perform the procedure. I was awake the entire time and did not feel any pain except some discomfort of them working on the area. The kind nurse stood next to me rubbing my back and patting my arm. I was so grateful! Thankfully the biopsy came back benign, but the time spent waiting for those results after discovering my mother died of breast cancer at such a young age….indescribable.
Even more scary is the fact that this spot would not have been discovered for at least three more years if I had not found my biological family and gained access to my family medical history. This information was important not only for me but also for my daughter who is now 30 and knows she needs to be screened early. This will also be important for my granddaughter in the future.
Adoption reform and open records legislation is a modern day civil rights issue in our country. Every single state has a group of committed birth mothers and adoptees fighting in the legislatures to reform these laws and allow adoptees access to their genealogy, roots, and medical history. Slowly, more and more adoptive parents are starting to understand the necessity of us knowing our roots as well and are joining the fight. This is a basic human right for every single person. Just imagine literally not knowing anything about yourself!
My search began as a quest for the truth. I simply wanted to know the truth of my origins. Little did I know it would be a search that just might have saved my life!
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