Once there was a girl who was not quite a grown up yet.
She came to realize that she had a baby growing in her belly.
And that made her very scared. So she kept it a secret for a long time.
She was afraid of what would happen when she had the baby and she became a mommy. She wasn’t sure that she knew how to be a mommy yet.
She thought the mommies had to have a good house, and she still lived with her own Mommy still.
She thought that mommies needed to have happy daddies, and the was afraid that the baby’s daddy would be mad and not happy.
She thought that Mommies needed to have a good job and a car, and she didn’t have these thing yet.
She didn’t know that all Mommy really needed was to have a baby, and these things would somehow be ok.
Soon her belly got to big with the baby and she had to share her secret.
She was afraid of what other people would think since she was not doing a very good job of acting grown up.
And the other people who loved her and who were suppose to care about her and her baby, were also scared that she was not doing a very good job of being a grown up. Some were mad that she kept a secret.
Her own Mommy didn’t see that she could be a good mommy and instead of trying to help and teach her, thought that it would be better if she just wasn’t a mommy yet.
None of her friends were Mommies yet either and didn’t know what to say. The girl was afraid that they wouldn’t want to be her friends anymore. Which is silly, but sometimes our brains don’t work good when we are scared.
In fact, no one said that she could be a good mommy and they were happy she had a baby growing in her belly and they would help her.
They said she would ruin her life instead of telling her how wonderful a baby is.
They said that she would not be happy instead of telling her how happy a baby’s smile can make her.
They said that she would not have any fun anymore, instead of telling her that babies can be the most fun.
And so she stayed scared and didn’t get happy.
But having the baby in her belly made her happy. She liked to feel him kick and wiggle about, She liked it when he got the hiccups. She liked to talk to him when she was alone, He was he secret friend. She was confused. She loved her baby.
So she left her home where no one was happy about the baby in her belly and went some place where people thought the baby was great.
But it was only great to the new people because she was going to let someone else be the baby’s Mommy. That was their jobs to find babies for Mommies who wanted babies but couldn’t get them to grow in her own belly.
And they thought it was good thing that the girl was too afraid to try to be a mommy. They said that she wasn’t scared , but brave and strong and selfless to give the baby in her belly to another Mommy and Daddy. The girl liked to think she was brave and strong and selfless, not scared.
They said that a girl like her who really loved her baby was good to give that baby to a family who was ready . That the other Mommy and Daddy without babies would be so happy. And the girl loved her baby and like the idea of making the other people so happy.
So she thought that she could give the nice people her baby. And the baby would be happy. And the new mommy and daddy could be happy. And she could go back and not be a mommy yet and figure out how to be a grown up and be happy. It sounded like a good idea.
And so she did just that. She had her baby. A perfect little boy with lots of black hair. She named him Max. And for two days, she held him and told him her story and how much she loved him and kissed his baby toes, and smelled his baby hair, and held him close to her heart.
And then choked back her tears and acted strong like she should, and let the new mommy and daddy have her baby.
That is called adoption.
But Mommies can’t really just give someone else their babies. They are still that baby’s mommy in their hearts. So she wasn’t really very happy. It made her very sad.
She missed her baby. And she cried a lot. And she cried some more. And then more.
And as the years went by, Max grew up, she thought about him a lot. And always felt sad on his birthday.
Max grew up with his new Mommy and Daddy and he had another brother and sister too. And he was happy.
The girl grew up some more and had three more babies, a girl and two more boys. And she was mostly happy too.
Now she was a Mommy for sure, but she always felt that she was missing one of her children. She didn’t know where her Max was. And now she felt sad that his brothers and sisters didn’t know him either. She wasn’t scared at all anymore and knew that she had made a big mistake by giving away her Max. She knew that deep inside herself everyone else had been wrong too and she would have been a great Mommy even if she wasn’t quite a grown up yet. Sometimes she felt angry, she still felt sad, and mostly she missed her Max.
So one day, the Mommy decided to try to find Max. And she did.
Max was not a baby anymore, not a kid, but not quite a grow up either just like she used to be.
And even though he had a nice Mommy, he was very happy to have his other mommy find him.
And they talked for a while and then decided that soon Max would come visit and get to meet his other bothers and sister too.
And that day is coming soon.
Your biggest brother Max is coming home.
And your Mommy is very, very happy.
Claud,
That is so beautiful.
This just shows me even more how wrong it was that you lost Max. You are a fabulous mother! Your kids are very lucky.
Connie
beautiful! this should be published, frankly.
YES I agree with the others. This is beautiful. Made me want to cry.
Aww..blush
Thanks..I burst into tears at the end myself.
I went to the art store today and bought paper and matt board and artist tape and new pens. I am going to do line drawings and finish with watercolors..maybe add some real pictures too…then I will hand bind it.
Somewhere I want something reminisint to “Where the Wild Things Are”..so maybe the art??
And then, I will read it to them.
I read your blog today and it made me cry. I am a birth mommy too and sometimes I am sad. I say to others that I placed my son for adoption because I love him. I don’t know what is true anymore. I miss him so much and love him more each day. I don’t know if I will make it through, but I hope one day to find him, hold him, and maybe even be his ‘mommy’ again.
it is sad, claudia, that so many people worked during your pregnancy to brainwash you that you weren’t good enough for your child.
makes one wonder what the outcome would have been if you had been allowed to take him home and take care of him for at least 2 weeks before considering adoption, as the australian system makes happen. how can an informed decision be made otherwise?
you were robbed.
((((Claud))))
I hope to god this is not what you are really going to tell your 3 and 5 year olds.
Not only is this WAY too much information, I can see it causing them a lot of unnecessary pain.
Goodness, reconsider they are still babies and shouldn’t be burdened with your grief.
I’m afraid that I agree with Kim that this story (though beautifully written) is going to be over the heads of even the brightest 3 and 5 year olds (and has the potential to really mess with their heads). I see as an adoptive parent how long it takes children to understand what being adopted means. I generally think things should be kept short and then let the children ask questions. You could just say that Max is coming to visit, that mommy had him years ago and didn’t think she was ready to be a mommy, so now he is coming to visit. Children at that age are so accepting…that will likely be enough, but if they ask questions, then you answer. Let them guide the conversation rather than try to feed them too much information. I might consider a one time meeting with a child psychologist to get advice, because they’d be able to tell you where your kids are at developmentally so the story fits their developmental stage. JMHO! I’d also give your first son a chance to tell them things too…learn about how he has experienced adoption.
Musings,
I am just still sitting here stunned. I wanted to say I think the story you wrote was beautifully written. I didn’t make my comments based on the fact that I am an adoptive mother but just a mother in general that has children the same age as your children.
Kim
Claud you have the patience of a saint, my blog is a doofus free zone now. I take my hat off to you.
Are you calling me a doofus Kim? This is very immature of you.
I am a mother first and foremost, who have children the same age as Musings. The story she wrote is too much for them, even if they are little einstiens. I hope she will really reconsider telling the story of Max and how he came into the world in a different way.
I couldn’t imagine telling my children, this very same age, this kind of story. An older child – possibly but not 3 and 5 year olds.
Maybe she should consider talking to a family counselor before doing this. Have you thought of this Musings?
Um. I think it is FABULOUSLY written and I think that in this day and age of non-traditional families, I think you have every right to tell your children even if they are 3 and 5 years old.
I have FOUR CHILDREN. I am not married. My sons are 3 and 5. My daughter is 12 and my other daughter is 6 weeks old. My son who is five has another brother who lives in another state and my oldest daughter knows her father is different than the others. It is the way things go and it is her truth.
It is her identity and I told her brothers at a VERY young age and since day one, “M has a different daddy. Her daddy has different parents and we all are a HUGE family.” My daughter has a different grandma and grandpa than the boys and they have questions which I truthfully answer. She leaves often and visits her “other family” often and, yes, it has resulted in missing her, wanting to join in with them and sometimes they do, but sometimes they don’t.
The sooner you tell them the better. Do I harp in that M’s paternal grandparents were jagoffs when I was pregnant? No. Do I tell them that M’s dad left me when I was pregnant because I got pregnant? No. Did I consider adoption? You better believe it.
And there are, I am sure, TONS of women who lost friendships because of pregnancy. I was only 21 and lost so many friends.
Babies are forever. Friends are only friends through thick and thin.
I am happy that you and Max are going to be able to start a new chapter together.
Hmmm…I have to say what I find interesting, in a very obseravtory way, is that anyone who has lost a child to adoption finds the story appropriate, and it seems like the adoptive mothers do not. Again, just an observation.
I defianatly do not think that this needs any outside counselling. I mean why? I doubt I could find one that would understand the whole situation anyway, form a mother of loss persepctive. Its a known fact that the majority of “professionals’ are about as uneducated and under the dillusions that adoption is a great win win situation as the common public.
That being said…I have a degree in Early Childhood Education. That’s what I did immediately following the years I lost Max. I took all my “mother-love” and gave it other peoples children. So the book learning, the appropiatness…it’s in there…right in my noggin.
THAT being said, I am really into telling my kids the turh about life. I have always done that about everything. When my first husband and I separated/divorced, I didn’t sugar coat it for Garin. When he came home from Catholoc School with the “Prayer for the Unborn Child” in FIRST grade. I explained to him about abortion.
The fact of the matter is that it IS sad. It is not just my grief, but also their loss too. And giving them permission to feel that loss, is VERY important IMO. Sharing real feelings is not burdening at least not in my house.
I don’t WANT them to think I am HAPPY about it. I don’t want them to think that it could possibly happen to them. And I don’t want them to think that it was OK that I lost their brother. You don’t lose family members and have it be OK. They are on the same plane as their brother..if I am OK to lose him, what does that say about how I feel about them? Talk about messing with their heads!
Yeah, they are young, but not babies. They know my mother is dead, and I feel sad. I share that sadness with them and even though it is not some thing they experienced, they also now what they lost by not having her as a grandmother. They know my father is an ass and it also stinks. They know that people and cats die. They know that people get angry and are OK. They know that bad things happen in this world, but I do my best to keep them safe. They know that Grain has a different Daddy then them. It is just life. It is real. My kids are people, not coddled little pets. They get the truth.
Now granted, I might edit some things out, becasue it is long. I might edit some things so that I have better ideas for illustrations. I might edit somethings to have better illieration and wording. But the message?? Oh, that is so NOT changing.
And if THAT is what is distrubing you guys…I wonder why? And why just the Adoptive moms? Is it distrubing to think how the loss of one child might make other small sweet children also feel sad? Does it hurt to think that the siblings of your children might get told a version of their story much like this?
My Blog is Musings. I am not my Blog, though my Blog is me. I am Claud.
Kim said “Goodness, reconsider they are still babies and shouldn’t be burdened with your grief.”
Kim, they’ll have their own grief. All children who are left behind in the wake of an adoption grieve. And telling them that Mommy is sad is similar to Mommy being said that Gramma died — a child is fully able to comprehend it. Why is it that everyone is supposed to be happy-happy about adoption, even the lost siblings? I can tell you that my two oldest raised-children have grieved. You cannot prevent it. By showing them her own grief, Claud lets them know that she’s not going to “happily give them away too.”
Claud letting them know of her sadness gives them permission to feel and express their own.
Children can deal with grief and loss. I know as I lost my grandpa, who I lived with, when I was 3 years old. In fact, many children deal with it a lot better than some adults do!
I figured my views would get discounted just because I happen to be an adoptive mom (gotta love being labeled). I really said it coming from the perspective of a mother. It seems *very* intense for litte ones. I’m not saying to sugar coat it or never tell them all of that (of course, they should know all of the truth). Just to be developmentally appropriate in what is told and let them guide things with their questions. Anyway, since I’m an evil adoptive mother and my opinion should not count, I’ll stop now. I will say though that it sucks that you don’t want to be defined by the term “birth mother” but you feel free to define and limit others to theirs (i.e adoptive mother). At least cut Kim a little break, because 3 of her children are biological to her. I’m a smart woman who understands child development…I’m not “just” an adoptive mom and I don’t force my kids to think just like I do. Oh well, enough said, I’m just a lowly nothing adoptive mom after all.
Wow, KrisAnne..get off on public self flogging at all?? Please..
I said it was an observation..and it is a truthful one….and all I asked was why? Why such a difference in opinion? And how am I suppose to differinate between the opnions exactly??? So you don;t want to be called an adoptive mother anymore? OK..so some mothers who happen to have children who have been adopted find it inapporpiate? Is that better??????
You know..I put out all my dirty laundry for anyone to see. And I ask for opnions. I didn’t say…only those who agree with me can post here. I have no contol over any commentary and I like it that way. I am not asking for pats on the back..yeah, they are nice, but obviously, I am not basing my life on what other people think. I am sharing my life so that other people might think. If I didn’t want to hear from you, you would know it.
I am asked why don’t I consider an “outside” help for this..and I answered. You say it is heavy, and I explain how I choose to parent.
Discounted??? Not on ones’s position. On the whining perhaps, but there is a huge difference between simplifing a message and story and sugar coating it so it “reads happy”. Which one is it? Messing with their heads? You know what is appropaite for my children, but I need help in that area?
You ask..I explain. I ask you whine about being discounted and cry lable?
WHO is afraid of the quesions?
O.K, I’m an adoptive parent too. But I’m also a reunited bio-parent (as well as an early childhood educator with many years experience) behind me. I too have always believed in giving kids the straight dope, although I wouldn’t have laid out this particular story in the same way as you did. But different strokes for different folks, and the same goes for families. They all communicate differently.
It’s not so much that your story’s heavy (which it is), it’s more that I think it’s way too much emotional info of a kind that doesn’t relate to a young child’s personal experience. That said, I think most of it will go over their heads, and what they’ll get is that they’ve got a new (for them) big brother whom you love, and that you love them, and that it gives you joy to give them back to each other. And that it means a great deal to you to welcome him back into the family.
Which is what it’s all about, really, ain’t it?
So I say, go right ahead and do it the way you feel best. Which I’m sure you will anyway 😉
I imagine that if you presented this to mothers who were not part of a triad they would feel the same way in many respects — that this kind of “truth” as you put it is too much for 3 and 5 year old children.
You really have no clue as to my background (like am I a member of the triad other than my adoptive mother status) or my educational background (sociology with a focus on marriage and family life).
My opinion has very little to do with my adoptive mother status, but I can see why you may see that differently.
First, I don’t think your children should be lied too. I find it a bit disheartening that you were not honest to start with. Then this would be a non issue.
Secondly, your issues about adoption and the relinquishment of your child are “ME” issues, to be owned by you. I think putting your grief, failures, and perceptions on your children is wrong. Since your youngest children are very young, its possible they would have or may never see Max as a loss to them. Especially if he maintains a relationship with all of you after the visit.
I’m honest with my children, but age appropriately. This has nothing to do with how they came into our family.
Ok..now honestly..what you just said now Kim..is alot more of an open dialogue that can make sense to me.
Good point about it not really being any kind of a loss to T since he IS young. So just bonus brother to him maybe?
Scarlett, on the other hand..she thinks alot!! And the girl jives on information. So I Can see her wanting to know all the gory details..and worring about how it is effecting her.
Now, honestly, I am curious..what would you tell? Like Kipper pointed out..what is going over their heads? Or better,…what would you see eliminted?
What I find it hard to do is tell of the return of Max with out explaining how he was lost. I don;t feel it can be dome without saying it was a bad idea. For then, what if Mommy decised that Scarett hits her borther too may times or Tristan trashed the bathroom AGAIN! So where is that perfcet middle ground?
Oh and the answer to why they don’t know already is in the last posts commentary…I don’t like it much either, but it is the way it worked out. Done is done..now how to right it.
The question is, what would Betty Bowers do?
One thing I was thinking about is when explaining adoption to kids, it is important that they first understand reproduction (a basic premise in talking to kids about adoption and a reason why most children under 8 don’t understand adoption). That is likely one reason I thought the story seemed too heavy for 3 and 5 year olds. I liken it to how difficult it is to explain the birth father in adoption stories to preschoolers..they get the whole baby in the mommy’s belly thing, but have more trouble understanding the daddy’s role til they really “get” the full meaning of reproduction. I have to admit that I cracked up laughing at the “she came to realize that she had a baby growing in her belly” line…admittedly, this is where it stopped being for a 3 year old for me. Just sounds really odd and awkward “came to realize.” Like if I said that to my 4 year old, I can picture her getting worried (or maybe thrilled) that a baby would start growing in her belly! So to start, I think the story has to explain how the baby got into the belly (there once was a young lady and a young man…). Very simple language like you see in preschool books. Honestly, it is NOT about adoption for me. I spent a couple of years doing editing work, so for me it’s more about what reads appropriately for little kiddos. Like another poster said, most of it will go over their heads anyway because it’s written abstractly rather than concretely as most kids’ books are. As the years go by, they will understand more. I liked Kim’s point that their big brother won’t be a loss for THEM because they’re hopefully going to forge a solid relationship with him from here on forward. That is the happy, sunshine-y part of the story for them!
There is NO such thing as a ‘triad’. in the adoption transaction there are winners (baby brokers and their customers) and losers (the adopted person, their exiled natural family). Claud’s children have lost out on a brother. And the ongoing loss might be there even for the little ones if/when Max pulls back for months or even years as often happens in reunion. “Why can’t we see Tommy? Why doesn’t he visit us any more?” My younger children could not understand that he had pulled-back to ONLY being part of ONE family (adoptive) due to that family’s pressure on him and his own conflicting emotions. Little ones trying to phone their big brother and being told they had the wrong number or “he was out.” The loss of not being allowed to go “see him at home,” of not being allowed at his graduation or his wedding because it would upset his adoptive parents. Of not being allowed to be called “auntie” or “uncle” later on by his future children. The losses will be there, believe me. I have seen it all first-hand.
It is wise for her to prepare them for this separation. The Wall. Read The Wall and you will see what i mean. http://adoption.about.com/od/adoptionrights/a/thewall.htm . Siblings lose out too.
Okay, I believe a comment I left after another entry better describes what I would tell my own children in this situation. But I will repeat it here and also add more reasoning behind it at the risk of being flamed.
Simply, if I was in your position, I would tell my children that when I was younger I had a baby and made an adoption plan and now that he is older he wants to meet you and his brothers and sister. I would explain to them that this is their older brother and he is way cool and that its been a long time since you had seen him because he grew up in another family but that he is a part of their family too. If after that they asked more questions, than I would do my best to answer those age appropriately. Say they asked why he didn’t live with you or why he went to live with the other family, you could answer that at that time you didn’t believe you were prepared to be a mommy. I would also mention that I was young and that the way I saw the world then, was not the way I see it now. I would probably emphasise that I was prepared to be a mommy now and that is why I had more babies.
One of the reasons I would not tell the whole story as you had it written in your blog is because it seems to be too much information at one time, most that they will not “get”. Little kids also lose interest and their minds begin to wander when adults go into drawn out stories. Then you run the risk of them “hearing” part of it and digesting it differently than you actually presented it.
I personally would want the focus to be on the cool new big brother that is going to come into the family, rather than my own personal loss and relinquishment issues.
There is really a lot of time for your children to ask questions and explore the situation. I personally don’t see the need to lay this all out for them at one time. I would personally hate it for you if your kids got more caught up in what happened when you placed him, than him and him coming to meet them and be a part of your family. I hope you understand what I am saying.
Hi Claud,
Well, you know I am a mom and an Amom and I happen to love your story. I might just “borrow” a bit of it, when I am talking to R about her other Mom. She already knows of course and I have told her about growing in N’s belly and the boys grew in mine. She totally gets that part (as much as a 4 year old can). My boys are almost 7 and 5 and they get it too. I don’t want them to think that adoption is just happy happy. They know that N was and is sad about it. My almost 7 year old has even cried when we were talking about it before. He is a sensitive little guy. One thing (from my POV) is if I told my kiddos that someone was “coming home”, They would think that person was coming here to live for good. I would have to explain that one. Not that you won’t explain, I was thinking of my own kids. Anyway, Great story, I can’t wait to see the pictures 🙂
DeeDee
I think you are fine, Claud. Like you said earlier, shorten it a bit. I told my kids basically that mommy and daddy were very young and could not take care of a baby because we could barely feed ourselves. We described the crap quarters inwhich we lived and what furry critters lived with us….I told them this last year at the ages of 4 and 6…they handled it quite fine. No sugar coating, that is not the real world.
Why must we as ‘birth mothers’ always be made to feel like we should regret what we did? I opened my son up to a brand new world and the love of two very caring, kind, loving parents. I also love him very much and keep in touch with him often. I don’t feel like I should hide and be shameful. I had 2 kids already when my 3rd was born and I was unable to take care of him the way I thought he deserved. I got over the regrets and the hurt feelings. I am anticipating his hurt and pain and I am ready for it. But to try and say that you shouldn’t tell your children is wrong. My kids were not very old and I told them everything that was going on and they understood. As they grew older they still asked questions and I told them the complete truth. With lots of love and truth adoptees and all sets of birth and adoptive parents can make adoption a very good experience. It’s not an easy decision and it’s not a decision made without some pain, regret, and sorrow. I am sick and tired of others trying to justify their feelings by putting others down for what they felt was right at the time. Claud, I applaud you for wanting to tell your children the truth and opening a line of discussion up for them. You are a brave woman and I am all for you doing what your heart is telling you to do. Adoption is a very diffucult and hard subject and I feel it is time that we set aside making people feel shame for it and applaud those who truly wanted the better life (at the time) for their kids. Tell the truth always.
Sometimes, children don’t interperet sorrow the same as we think. I know my daughter simply deduced that I cried all the time when she wasn’t there. And it makes her smile! If you share the sorrow is there because of how much love is there, sometimes it only fills children with love and saftery that there mommy would never leave them and if they were ever parted she would be very very sad.
And miss them and think about them and want them back in a snuggle lock whenever it can happen. And that they would do anything to find them and make this happen.
Jesus, read some of the kids stories out there, they are SOOOOO sad! Bambi? The Land Before Time? An American Tale? The Lion King? Annie? All about losing family and seperation and yet we share this with our children.
I have watched some of these movies as an adult and cried! And they were some of my childhood favorites. They are some of the most beautiful and touching childrens movies because they allow children to being to explore their feelings about these things happening in the world.
If it goes over their heads…so what? It goes over their heads! That’s like saying you should tell children that ice is made of frozen water, because children might then misinterperet this to mean that that one day they could suddenly freeze and turn into something else.
Children can come up with weird ideas about anything. So what you do, is be available to talk with them. Yes appropriate language is necessary, and there are things they just might not understand. But honestly, Claud knows in her heart her children better than anyone one else here and knows what seems right to share with them.
Love you Claud.
(((claud))) beautiful absolutely beautiful!
i love it and if you publish will most certainly buy it!
i am an adult adoptee and mother of children ages 3 and 5.
those of you that said it would be way over the kids heads? well i feel very badly for your children because you are underestimating your kids and doing them a great disservice…
Wow Claud
After reading all the replies I was NOT suprised to see most of the negativity coming from the Amoms. Why do amoms have to be so negative when it comes to reunion topics?
Claud, you don’t need anyone elses permission to tell YOUR children what you want.
(hugs)
I think it’s a great story and simply tells the truth.
The one thing I would change is the length. I would edit it down so that a 3 and 5 year old wouldn’t get distracted by some of the ‘unnecessary’ words.
I’m not talking about content – I’m talking only about simplifying some of the language so that it’s not so long.
I can’t wait to see the end result!
Just tell them. Casually. Show them a picture. This is your brother Max. He lives with another family.
lly late to the game…but I as a mom and an amom find no nope nada fault in her story…wait…it is not a story it is the truth…and sometimes the truth hurts…how do you think Max feels he has the truth of sibling he does not know…his truth..those children need to know he is there, he is theirs, how he came to be…how mommy and Max are connected…my son knows his entire story from beginning to end…he is six and has known it his entire life…he knows his firstmom and he knows how he came to be and how he came to be mine…and his brother who is 3 knows too…report me now…i gave my children the truth.
I think it’s a beautiful piece and that conscientious parents benefit no one when they try to “shield” children from the realities of loss.
Claudia’s “fable” is age-appropriate, it’s loving and it’s truthful.
That’s more than anyone can say for “The Chosen Child” or “Tell Me Again (About the Night I Was Born” or the Sesame Street adoption storybook (“Susan & Ted Adopt a Baby”?), which so many adopters delight in reading to their acquired children even today (without even a thought to the fact that these ‘classics’ never once mention birthparents as an imperative component of any loving adoption story!?!)