and I never really know what pushes me to take the next step in this journey.
Sometimes I can see it…I see the next portion looming in front of me..like Stairs leading someplace that I need to get to. And I know I must do so, but I cannot. And oh, how I mull it over in my brain..play it out like a bad record, yet still frozen.
I must have been thinking abut contacting Max’s father for years. The last three years, it has been a reoccuring theme. Strong at times, then it fades, yet constant. I have made baby stes towrds it, even once hitting send, yet nothing happen and I was releived..like stepping onto shaking ground and then jumping off quickly…still the fear.
I just found a whole slew of photos of Max..and was struck on how MUCH he looks like his father. I want him to see that. I think it would be good for him to see his face back at him. And plus, oh, I am so tired from carring this weight on my back. This monkey of guilt that has been my constant compainion for over 19 years now. It will need to be done one day..It must..I have no choice really. I cannot carry this to my grave. So why really wait any longer. The truth will always be there no matter what I choose to do or not to do..my actions cannot erase that.
So I have a third party contact…nothing really good, but I just did it. Saying I need a current Email contact for him and him alone. That it is personal and confidential and a third party will just not be acceptable. I do not know if anything will come of it, but I hit send anyway. And I am still standing on the next step. The shaking is not so bad. It feels OK. I am still scared, but ready maybe?
This is the best thing I have ever read on your blog. A parent should know that he is a parent, no matter what. I strongly believe that a father counts just as much as a mother, so this can’t be anything but the right thing to do (better 19 years ago, but you can’t go back now). Especially with the fact that Max is following in his father’s footsteps by studying political science in college. The genetic bond is there and I hope this man sees and appreciates that. Best wishes with all of this.
Doesn’t he know he has a son?
How could he know what he was never told?
I strongly beleive that he knew I was pregnant. I don’t think he could have NOT know..I was like 100lbs then soaking wet and five months into pregnancy he still got to see me naked..and I am NOT a little beach ball belly kind of gal. I explode!!
But he didn’t ask. I didn’t tell. I assume by him not asking..he thought that if he needed to know, then I would tell. I felt that if he cared at all, he would ask. I assume he didn’t feel responsible. He liked to allude that I “had boyfreinds”..even though I denied it becasue it had no basis of truth.
The other possibility is that..he really was a down and dirty dog who did not care a hoot and was more than happy that I didn’t make him deal. As he was much older and I was 18…and worked for him…none of it should have happened in the first place.
My feelings though now…dog or not, uncaring or not, not telling him was still wrong. Wrong of me to run from it wrong of the agnecy to enable it and facillitate it. And people DO change in 19 years..so a dirty dog might be very happy to find he has an only son in the twilght of life.
Plus the 18/19 year old girl in me finds it hard to beleive that he is all bad and uncaring. Of course she was pretty dumb.
Anon..I don’t get the “bad” vibe from you but it is obvious you have looked into things a bit. Makes me curious…??
“But he didn’t ask. I didn’t tell.”
I do so empathise.
And I should add (for Anon’s benefit) that sometimes people don’t know because they don’t want to.
Many men, even brilliant ones, need to be told things or they don’t notice them. It sounds sexist, but I don’t think they are as perceptive or as thoughtful as women. There is a chance that your son’s dad will be completely shocked and say that he never realized. He has missed out on his son’s entire life, so it may bring an onslaught of feelings for him. Fathers should have equal rights as mothers to their children. The agency and adoptive parents dropped the ball by not insisting on the father’s signature; the child should never have been allowed to be adopted without both parents’ consent.