JP Morgan Chase Bank
P.O. Box 15298
Wilmington, DE 19859-5298
Re: account # XXXXXXXXXXX

Dear Chase Bank,

He Answered the Phone

I want to thank you for actually sending my full account history as my husband requested during one of your recent “gonna call the D’Arcy’s house at least 12 times today” days. I took the liberty of compiling the information contained in the 74 pages since it was hard to get an idea of what we were dealing with between all that paper.

I guess you folks don’t like trees much?

Anyway, I put it all into a spread sheet so that we could easily figure out how much money I might actually owe you. I do believe that, despite the really tiny type, I got all the numbers correct.

Bought Out Like a Cheap Whore

Since I wasn’t an original customer of yours and did not choose to have you as a creditor, let me just refresh your memory. This account was opened with WaMu in November of ‘ 06. Between the opening of the account and the last purchase by me in March ’07; there was a total of $ $1,437.88 in charges. According to your records of my payments $1,245.50 has been received. In the normal world, people might say that I owe only $192.38, but since you are a bank, we know better!

Just Rape the Credit Consumer

Hence, we have another $1,010.36 in late and over the limit fees, plus another $661.73 in finance charges for a total of $1,672.09 of which I never really spent. Now, I know that you are blood sucking money making profit driven scum and you make your money off of late fees and finance charges and all that. I even will acknowledge that I agreed to WaMu’s insane policies when I signed up to spend money that I didn’t have, but really? Can we not see that this is a bit excessive?

$1,103.64 in Fees Just from Chase

Currently, you say I have an account balance of 1,931.83. $881.59 of the charges you, at Chase, have assigned to my account since the April ’09 statement when the name Chase suddenly appeared on my statements, but really , we all know that you bought out WaMu in September of ’08. From September until now there is really $1,103.64 in fees generated by Chase!

WaMu Would Not Take My Money

Before being forced to deal directly with you, I was actually trying to talk to the absolutely awful creditors that WaMu had sent after me, but they had no interest at all in settling. In fact, despite their calling my house 12 times a day; I was told that I was rude for trying to settle the debt and my debt was “nothing” to them since it was “so little”. Had they been a bit more human, we would not be having this conversation. But alas, they were unwilling to discuss the fact that I wanted to pay off what I owed, but the fees were insane and I wanted them off the account. I was not allowed to speak to anyone who had the authority to adjust my account and accept a payment and so a deal was never made.

Anyway, lets recap: $1,437.88 in charges. $1,245.50 in payments $1,672.09 in fees

Chase Used MY Money to Buy MY Debt to Charge ME More?

Now, I am pretty sure that you actually borrowed my money with the $25 billion in taxpayer funds that JP Morgan Chase used to buy out WaMu and lord knows you didn’t pay full asking price on that dollar! I don’t really want to have to spend the time researching how much you “acquired” in assets verses how much debt you verses how much you paid plus the jump in your stock since the takeover etc, but we all know that you made out like a bandit from being able to borrow my tax money. And yet, somehow, I don’t think that I’ll be seeing any finance charges or late fees from you? I really don’t think you want me to start adding up columns of figures for all the time I wasted running to the phone or the late fees and finance charges that I think you have acquired by using my money since September of 2008.

I Want OFF the Credit-Fee-Go-Round!

So, can we stop this crazy merry go round, take my $192.38 and call it even? By time you “acquired” my debt, it was almost all made up of WaMu fees and all you have done ( besides call my house 700 times a day) is add to them. Stop paying those nasty ill tempered people to call me and I bet I would not cost you nearly as much. Because, truthfully, this little exercise has made me 100% sure of what I was pretty sure of before: I owe you 10% of what you claim! And, well, not to be difficult, but I am not giving you any money EVER in the fees and nonsense! I don’t care if you report this to Equifax or whomever. I don’t like credit. I own my home and we buy our cars for cheap. I don’t need you or a credit rating and I am never going to answer you when you call.

It is worth $192.38 to be done with Chase forever!

I need you to agree to take my $192.38 and be done.I want to break up with you. You are no longer my pimp daddy. You need to accept that I am never going to want to be your customer no matter how many times a day you call or send me letters in the mail. You’re are like a bad stalker. Go away before I tell Mr. Obama how you are not being nice to consumers and are up to your old tricks again.

Besides, don’t you have something better to do like cause another economic fallout or something??

12/3/09 ETA:
Just today, I just got a lovely letter from Janet Gigeous in customer services so I called you folks and I said spoke to your representivies who were completely unwilling to discuss the possibility of settling the account for the 192.38. So, because I did borrow money and that are rates for that, I offer to give you $400.oo right here and now, immediately, to finish this off. Because you considered that 20% of the fictions balance you created, your representative would not accept that. Instead you want over $800.. Which means you get 600 for doing what exactly? Nope, That’s not going to happen.

So I guess we are at the impasse where you must report me to the credit companies which does not concern me at all and I shall review you every place I can possibly find online. It really is too bad, but on behalf of hard working American’s everywhere, Thanks for caring about us!

Sincerely,

Claudia D’Arcy

I’ll send you the spread sheet of my account records in the hard copy of this letter so you can save the time and not have to go through all those 74 pages of dead trees you eco-warriors you!
And you would like me to remove this post or stop talking about you online in a negative way, it will cost you about $192.38 for my professional blogging services to repair your online reputation management and another $$1,672.09 in fees just because.