By Laura Marie Scoggins

One of the best things that has come out of open records legislation is the connections and community of adoptees. Adoptees are only truly understood by each other, and most of us live our lives without other adoptees to express what life adopted is like. In addition to reunions unfolding each day with birth families the biggest reunion of all just might be OUR reunion in the universal adoptee family. I’m not sure what we would do without each other, and I don’t know how I survived life without them for so long.

These fellow adoptees have validated all of my feelings. They have just expressed everything I could possibly say. This is so my story. My heart is breaking for them right now. I know what this feels like. It’s sooo crazy how much alike we all are. Similar relationships with our adopted parents (especially the bad ones with our adopted moms), their reaction to our reunion (even when they said they were supportive). The common abusive, narcissistic mom stories running throughout this community has left me stunned and at the same time relieved that I’m not the only one.

I think back in the 60’s and 70’s (and somewhat even today) adopted parents were given the impression that we were blank slates and that adopted families weren’t any different from any other family. That’s just not true. We were supposed to fit in and mold to their world, their heritage, and be just like them. But we weren’t. I also wonder if part of our bad relationships with our amom’s is that maybe we didn’t bond with them as infants. A baby knows her mother! Then maybe that lack of bonding caused resentment which down the road led to abuse. I’ve always felt that my mom hates me although she would flat out deny that. Maybe she doesn’t even realize it herself.

But to my fellow adoptees embarking on this amazing journey of reunion I have this to say to you as someone 13 years post reunion…..

for the very first time in your life this is about YOU.

We are no longer children. Why are adopted kids perpetual children? I’m a grandmother for goodness sakes. This is about US for once and filling the voids and missing pieces of our lives…..yet our aparents try to still make this about them.

If adoption is truly about the best interest of the child as everyone says then that means your adopted child finding out about their history, ancestry, nationality, and lost identity to heal, make themselves whole, and find the missing pieces of their life is in their best interest as well. We are adults. Yet our aparents end up being the petulant child throughout most of the course of our reunion.

Just get over it is perhaps the most common line we have heard throughout the course of our lives.

Some of the harshest, coldest words you can hear when you are hurting is just get over it. When someone is struggling with the past or some sort of hurt why wouldn’t they want to get over it? Don’t you think they have tried to get over it?

I was with a group of friends recently that was talking about how everybody’s parents messed them up in some way. How all of our parents just did the best they knew how like we have done the best we know how with our kids. They talked about blaming parents for our problems. How you can’t look back and let the past bother you. They said you just have to get over it.

I rarely just sit there and keep my mouth shut but I did this time. I think because I was in shock and also because there would have been too much to say.

Most families have some degree of dysfunction. We all have been hurt or disappointed by our parents in some way. We disagree with how they handled certain situations. We are annoyed by certain traits they have. We grow up swearing we won’t be anything like our parents. Some succeed. Some don’t. Most of us don’t make the same mistakes but make our own new mistakes. All close relationships be it a marriage, family or friendship require a lot of forgiveness for the relationships to continue and be successful.

This is taken to a whole different level when some sort of abuse is involved. This isn’t the normal type of stuff that most kids have to forgive their parents for. Abuse causes very real pain, trauma, and long term often life long effects. The length of time the abuse takes place also makes a difference. There are different types of abuse and varying degrees of severity. Recovery is especially difficult when the behavior never ended.

In my case I am 49 years old and although the situation with my mother has morphed over the years and her tactics have changed the situation has been a DAILY battle for 49 years. It takes a toll on a person. It’s impossible for it not to affect your life. Lord knows how I have tried to escape, distance myself, take control of the situation, and just get over it. It’s not that simple. If only it were.

This conversation didn’t really affect me at the time but it did in the days following. Please don’t be so arrogant as to assume someone else’s pain or situation is the same as yours. Even when you know a lot of the details there is still a lot you don’t know. You weren’t there. Even siblings who all grew up in the same circumstances will handle the situation different and the abuse will have a different impact on each of them. Some will handle it well with few effects while others will struggle to cope and recover. They may become alcoholics or addicts….or gain 100 pounds.

That isn’t BLAMING. That doesn’t mean the child hasn’t forgiven the parent. It just means there are consequences and long term effects of what the child endured depending on the duration, severity, and personality of the adult child.

All that I have written about my mother was not meant to slander her or disrespect her. What I have written barely scratches the surface and is not the full story. I have not said anything that wasn’t factual and true. The purpose in writing it was about the one millionth attempt at healing. Do you really think I haven’t tried to get over it? Do you really think I want to be haunted by the past and carry it around with me? Do you think i enjoy the recurring nightmares I have about my mother and waking up in a cold sweat with my heart racing at 3 am. I’m 49 years old. I’m too old for this. Where does it end?

Writing brings healing. To me anyway. There are very few people I have ever told about my mother. If I ever told you anything then you should know my telling was proof of how much I trusted you…..because I didn’t go around talking about it. Writing about it has become part of my  journey because of the strong connection I didn’t realize existed. Writing about it has helped release some of the pain.

I don’t blame my mother. I have forgiven my mother more times than I can count. Because the behavior is constant and ongoing it requires constant forgiveness.

Don’t tell me to just get over it. You haven’t walked in my shoes. You haven’t lived my life. You haven’t felt my pain.

This blog is proof that I am attempting to heal. The way I heal may not be the same way you heal. Be careful about judging others by your perception of a situation. Because even when you think you have a lot of facts it’s never the whole big picture.

If only healing were so simple. If only we could just get over it. The thing is….I’m willing to bet the people who say that are in denial about their own healing.

Adopted kids have enough to get over. We’ve lost our biological families, our history, our roots, our names have been changed. we’ve been placed in homes with strangers that we aren’t related to, in some cases we don’t even know what nationality we are. When we are brave enough to take up the search for answers and find our lost identity we are criticized as being angry and bitter adoptees who had a bad adoption experience. We are accused of being stuck in the past.

Here’s a clue….try to imagine starting your life with your history rewritten, your identity changed, and being placed into a family that you look, act and are absolutely nothing like. Try living your life being made to feel bad because you aren’t like them. Try for a moment to imagine not even knowing what nationality you are. Imagine what it’s like to grow up without any genetic mirrors reflecting back at you. Imagine the constant stabs in the dark trying to figure out what your talents are, what subjects you should study, what career you should pursue because you have no idea the types of things that run in your family. I look at my birth family now and see so clearly our common traits, talents and interests. If only I had known those things as a young teenager trying to figure out how to pursue my future it would have made all of the difference in the world. Instead I have spent most of my life floundering, trying on different things to see if it was a fit or not, changing my major, changing careers. Now I see so clearly where my writing and artistic ability comes from when it almost seems too late to discover such things in your 40’s. Oh, how my life would have been different to know back then.

Hang in there fellow adoptees. Sharing our stories is what gives us strength. Our stories are the life lines that we throw at each other. Know that you are not alone!