So now I am home. Back to the grind. I figured I would continue on with fabulous bits of reunion bliss and all.
Details From My Adoption Reunion
After our 9 and 1/2 hour mother and son babble marathon, we did indeed get together on Sunday as planned.
After checking out of the Hotel as Bernadette had to catch her flight, I went and had some breakfast. Then after a bit, I decided to give that boy a call. Yeah, nervous..I had never called before, plus I knew he was home. So I didn’t want to call at a bad time. I still do not know if his parents knew I was there/here, but I expect that whether they did or not, me calling would not be seen as a wonderful thing. I called anyway though as that is what Max and I planned.
It was lovely to be greeted with a cheery and very normal “Good Morning”.
It was determined that Max would come up to the hotel to pick me up…it was not in the cards that I would go there..lol..and the hotel was at least stationary. And so I got out my laptop and got caught up while I waited.
It’s a wonderful site to see your lost child walking towards you.
First Visits with His Uncle
So we got my brother at his place. Matt is so funny. I love that we do not beat around the bush. He comes right out and asks:
“So are you Max or Gary?”
“I’m both..Max, Gary…”
“What is on your driver’s licensed”
I liked what Max said..that he had never had a nick name and so now he has two names and quote “so bite me”.
What I like is the assimilation of both sides of himself in a natural fluidity. He really does seem perfectly comfortable flowing between both sides. Even when talking, there is no hesitation, no pause as he longs to think of the “right” way to present anyone. His other brother and sister are just J and K, his parents have a few nick names, none bad, but can simply be identified as Momma and Poppa G, etc. He called me Claudia once, but that was to Caitlin and that is who she knows me as..as I message to her too. After that, I was his mom…In his stories, depending on who was taking to him..he was Gary or Max. Personally, I see that as a great comfort..not just for me, but as he is comfortable with all who he is.
Anyway, we had a great lunch. He took us to “No Name” which looked just like what one would envision the inside of the Krusty Krab if the Krusty Krab was a real place. A dark place on the Boston Docks with fabulously fresh seafood. My boy digs the seafood chowder..eating two bowls with hunks of bread and fries. I had fried clams that literally melted in my mouth. Conversation was easy and playful. We mocked the seagulls outside our window…braking into loud laughter as it upchucked something in plain view and then tried to EAT it. Bleh. Various “grandpa” stories were told..from both sides. Max talked about his weekend job at the Boston Globe getting “ink fingers at the press” And it was my brother that made the connection, my father worked for the Daily News in NY, as did our grandfather, and our Uncle. Likewise Max’s adoptive family also has strong connections to the Boston Globe. Amazing to think that he had that on both sides and ended up with Ink fingers. Another neat thing.
I joyfully paid for our lunch and boggled Matt with the huge tip I left, but hey, the guy laughed at my silly joke and I believe in tip Karma. It was also so mice to see how kind and polite Max was with all he comes in contact with.
We got kinda lost on the ride back, but that was cool too. At one point Max and Matt were totally engrossed in a conversation about some and I knew nothing of..but I just sat in wonder at the ease of conversation and that I was driving about, piloted by my son, with my brother.
More stories told and when we got back to Matt’s we did our lame pictures again. Caitlin was suppose to be the photographer for the day but she had to work, so we were left to our own pathetic devices. This is one that gets me from that day:
I love the way we are like mirror images of each other. Our bodies are turned in the same way, held at the same angles. Even the holes in our pants, the wrinkles on our coat arms are the same. The way we hold our arms at our sides, both hands closed in fists. We match so well. I like to the one with all of us, where I am elbowing Matt, He refused to “show teeth” when he smiled. Which is really funny as I never noticed that before about him, but I have the same trouble with Tristan. The damn kid won’t smile big just like his uncle.
Max pulled Matt in for a big hug before we left making me internally giddy. And when we got in the car, he declared “I like Uncle Matt!” More joy.
Back at the hotel, it was time for good-bye. I have heard that these are hard due to the initial separation, and yeah, it was a three hugger. One was not enough. I had to dig my nose into his neck again for another smell, and was told to sniff away. Happily he understood my need.
Plans were made for next time. He wants to “tour” with the band..a band..in the summer. I shall be a crash pad..which is great as we talked about that at lunch with Matt as I was the favorite crash for his bands on tour. And plus this guarantees him of some NY shows..as this momma will pimp his band and get him gigs! Also, I am back in July for the KAAN confernce, so I invited him to that..and he quickly agreed to be my cheering section for that.
You know people always ask me how much he knows about what I do here and in the adoption community..and he really does. He askes me about stuff and I tell him. It is all really open..and he is interested. He was thrilled with his Bastard Nation shirt that I got from Marley. (good pictures of the conference at the Basdardette link too) I have to say..I think he was impressed with my stories of Marley and Ann Fessler, DMC, Adam Pertman, etc. He was openly THRILLED that the Girls Who Went Away is now in the Movie stage. More signs of good adjustment.
I am Supposed to Be Grateful?
Now, I have seen in the past week or so…some comments on how I should be so grateful that he was adopted out so well. And you know, yeah some things are a testament of a good upbringing. He is kind. I see that. He stopped the car to let an old man cross the street. He says please and thank you. He is warm and affectionate, but I teach those things to my kids too..and how much of that is natural temperament I mean..I like to think that we are all pretty nice people. Yes, he had opportunities, but the thing is too…as a child, the natural child of a NYC lawyer..he would have had the means for all those opportunities also. The fact that it took me TEN YEARS after the fact to become aware of the reality of child support that I had the right to have for him..ugg. So he got things good..yes I know..but I can’t say honestly..that it is BETTER. I mean, he is happy and content and that is the finest of things, but but but…
What gets me over and over..he is SO LIKE US. Even after being raised away from all of us..he turned out…just like a pea in a pod. And I adore that. To me..he is just perfect..who he is suppose to be. And here’s the thing. I don’t think they get him.
Now I do not say that to bash anyone. And I understand that perhaps their are reasons that I am just not privy too. I know we can all be on our best behavior, not see some things, etc. But seeing him in front of me, talking for hours..I can see that he is a happy, well adjusted, content, smart, goal oriented, hardworking, well balanced young man. It’s just OBVIOUS. My brother, who has much better “Crazy..oh, something is off with you” radar than I, said it too.
He is just good.
They have him in therapy. They have had in in for years. He took himself off medication while in boy scout camp years ago. He laughs at it. Doesn’t mind going, says it is more for them, he goes, no biggie but he doesn’t know why really. He says he is happy. I see that he is.
They play tennis, he hates it. He is…my punk pirate boy.. among the tennis set. They don’t get him. The “rock and roll” is bad. Too much music, too much influence on him. Must talk it away??
Now, my great grandfather was a marvelous musician. My brother picked up at guitar at 12 and went to Berkeley in Boston for music. Garin has taught himself to play the bass, guitar and drums. No lessons and he is good. And even Tristan dances with way more soul than Scarlett. She dances like Elaine for Sienfield. The music gene attaches itself to the Y chromosome in my bloodline.
Now my oldest son is studying Political Science, but wants to switch to music business. Wants to tour and make it big. Still working, maintaining a real job, and doing well in classes. Balanced. I cannot say that he is terrible and in need of fixing for a normal natural dream..for dreaming big.
They have in therapy. He has to go every Friday and learn how…not to be him?
No, I am not thankful.
My Son is Normal for our Family
He sent me an Email yesterday. It had a link on how my city made the top 10 list of up and coming cities in America as it has a great artist community. I love living here because we are not freaks here, we are normal.
In my family, he is normal. They are trying to fix him.
He does not need fixing. He is perfect. I mean really, I try to see the “issue”. It’s NOT like even he is going to an “adoption” specialist or something. This didn’t just happen to help him deal with me or whatever. This didn’t start when he was found. Long before, I re-entered the picture, they had him at doctors. So even if he was a pain in the butt teen, a boy with anger issues or whatever ( I could get that…Garin at times has me grasping at staws too), I can plainly see he is OK now.
I just do not get it…but I do actually, right now, until I am explained otherwise, even with knowing how being a parent can be hard, even with trying to give them benefits of the doubt, I do not like it. Perhaps if they ever did respond to my letter, my plea to come together for his sake, my desire to offer myself to them in any way so they could be more comfortable with all this, then they could help me understand why they have made this decision. But right now, I am left with what he tells me, and I believe him. He does it for them to make them more comfortable. And that stinks.
Like Peas in a Pod
MC jacket, studded belt, Ramones T shirt? All good here. Don’t change him..he doesn’t need it Not a freak…just one of my pea pods.
I am obsessed with pea pods. That is my next tattoo..after I get this last one finished..lol. Four peas in a pod..my babies. And thinking this, I almost flipped out at the conference when I saw another adoptee wearing a pea pod necklace. Guess what I want for my birthday next month? The silver one with four pears.
Source: gifts.redenvelope.com via Claudia on Pinterest
Anyway, It makes me feel really angry and NOT grateful at all, that my son is in therapy.
You know all those stats that say that adopted children are over represented in the metal health field than the general population? Yeah, add mine to those numbers. Not what I bargained for.
“Oh, but look how well it all turned out…you would not have your life now of not for the choices you made”
Nope, his life would be different, mine would be different. And you know, we are both satisfied and happy with our lives..with what we have now. But who is to say that things would not have been just as good, just as satisfied, we could be just as happy.
All things being equal, things were really ..equal. And nothing really is “better”. It’s good. We are good. But, for the most part,,all the years of wondering, all the tears, all the lost years…not sacrificed for anything “better”. Just not necessary.
It was/ is a GREAT Reunion
Rye asked me, upon my return, if I felt satisfied as I had achieved my goal. It was actually good to think about. When I came online over 6 years ago, it was all for this. It was to prepare, to learn ..get ready for the possible, eventual reunion. And yes, I have to reflect and say…oh so worth it. It could not have turned out better. It was all I could have hoped and dreamed. It was perfect. That yes, it was wise of me to be prepared, listen and learn.
Of course I did have to tell Rye that it has grown into something bigger. No retirement for me here. That adoption, even successfully navigated, would not be leaving our lives.
I still say, oh yes, I am one of the lucky ones. But it still is a sad story with no reason. And I still have a lot of work to do.
edited: I forgot to say..went back to work yesterday. It was so nice. I had sent a email pic on ahead to my manager. She had printed it up and hung it already for all to see….every one is so supportive and excited. Its soo good.
I tried to articulate my feelings on that issue on a thread at SofA. His aparents bought into the “blank slate” theory of human development, and assumed he would be like them and that his genes wouldn’t express in ways alien to them.
How sad for everyone. Why can’t they celebrate who he is? Why couldn’t they have nurtured his nature instead of trying to force him to become something else?
Uggh, so frustrating to see it played out over and over.
Claud I learned a lot as an aparent today reading your post…thanks you…though I know that was not its purpose it made me open my eyes wider..
No one can speak for his parents, except for them, and many assumptions are being made about them. His parents are too intelligent to believe in the “blank slate” theory, since that theory was disproved decades ago. They are not forcing him to be someone else or anything else. Some decisions have been made out of concern for their son who they know better than Claud. She will get to know him from here on out, but she hasn’t known him for the last 19 years of daily living. It is easy for birthmoms to step back in after almost 2 decades and portend to know everything about the child; however the belief that it is all genetics would be just as ignorant as believing that it’s all blank slate at birth. I will be upfront here and say that I know the family. One thing that they are not is impulsive or stupid.
Um, many people still accept the blank slate theory to varying extents, especially as applied to psychology and behavior.
I don’t often get emotional over posts but this one made me feel emotional.
This is just the beginning Claud, Max has come home now, he can love his family he grew up with and he can finally know you guys.
For me, meeting L. and getting to know her as been wonderful, finally I can truly connect to someone who totally gets me and I am pretty sure she feels the same.
This is not the place for angry or arrogant comments. Claud can speak for herself and for her son. He doesn’t need therapy, that’s obvious. So please shut your ignorant mouth and get yourself some therapy, Max might not need it but you certainly do.
Claud, a lot of pain comes up with reunion and it feels like coming home too, doesn’t it?
Welcome home.
Wow. How wonderful for you to finally have that reunion with your son. I am very happy for you. Sad for the lost years, but happy that you’re back together now.
Claud, you have such a handsome boy!! I am so happy that you are back in his life!
I love reading your blog. You really have a way with words.
wonderful post claud. i laughed and i cried and i felt all warm inside and happy for you.
I LOVED your comment about your brothers radar for what was it “oh dear, something is a little off with you” BAHAHA.I busted out laughing at that.
hes so handsome, so very cool, so very much your son. thank you for sharing your meeting with us..
(and whats up with those trolls? yikes)
It’s awesome that Max has you to believe in all his big dreams!
OH I think your boy is more like you then you may think and his adoptive parents are and they know it, they are scared to death of it,
I have gotten so many wonderfull things from my aparents to bad they can not share me, it only pushed me farther away from my mother. She made me resent her that she could not acknowledge my bfamily. And their worth to me. Especially my mothers worth,, how could she be so unkind as not to ackowledge the woman who brought me to her, who allowed her to be a mother,,
To bad it seems Max’s aparents do not appriciate how wonderfull it is that you are in his life, and I admire Max as a fellow adoptee I admire him so much, I think he may find more interest in adoption reform then we may think, I think he has an enorous amount of respect for his mother and what she has acomplished and who she has become,, that is so threatening to them,, they are scared. They see her in him.
anon get real and stop being so afraid, you only push him farther away,. I pity you, you had better figure it out fast before he gets tired of trying to alwasy please you. And decides that his happyness and worth are more important then yours, how selfish you are how shamefull.
ani
Claud,
I agree with evreything Suz sad. I’m glad the reunion was so good and that you have already planned for more
Enjoy! This is the best part, just finding out about one another is the very best thing, and a lot of fun too.
You go Kim.
I didn’t say that they were impulsive or stupid. And I prefaced the whole thing about what I saw, admitted that there was alot that I never did see, and that really..I am going by what I do see and what I am told.
For whatever reason, I can only go by what he tells me. They have choosen not to speak to me, not to respond to my overtures to involve them, work with them, and be united for him. I can’t help that at this point. I feel that I have done all I can to be open and honest with them.
So maybe assumptions are all I have, but they have choosen that..not me. If they choose to not speak, to tell me otherwise, to allow us both to understand… I can’t help that.
Amd perhaps they do indeed know him better..in fact I say that without question they do. But perhaps it is not so bold as to say I understand him better. Because I can understand myself..and while I do not claim him to be a mini me, there is more to him than just the physical resembelance…it carries inside and out and that was plain to us both.
Heck I do not even doubt that he is perhaps a calmer version of himself a few years past. I have a heck of a time with a almost 16 year old now, but like him..I remember how I was at that age. And I expect that all my children wil all do what they want, when they want it and damn the consequenses.
And really, its my blog, my life here, my feelings..so right now, this is what I am left to see. Maybe I am wrong, maybe you are wrong.
But right now, I do trust my gut. I was right about him want to know me. I was right about his being interested. And if nothing else, at least I gave him that choice as a person..to decide for himself.
To “Anonymous who knows the family”
Is this really a productive tactic to take: You lurk. Post either 1) subtle attacks on Claud or 2) support for the adopters. Then hide and lurk again. Lather, rinse, repeat…
— I wouldn’t blame Claud if she feels she is being stalked. This might not be your intent, but this post and your comments in other postings make it appear so.
How about building bridges instead of building distrust? Do these attacks help Claud trust Max’s adoptive family? How about emailing Claud privately and telling her who you are and how you are connected, and build some bridges. Instead of insinuating that Max is a psycho, how about telling Claud *why* he is in therapy. You have known and have not told Claud anything (thus, may I say, treating her like sh*t instead of respecting her motherhood and love for her son).
Are you the “official representative” of that family, posting what they ask you to post? Or are you a “nosy-parker” who knows them and wants to show your superiority and “connections”?
How about come out of your closet and stop taking pot-shots.
Thank you Sarah.
Indeed..I would love to understand. and yes..my email addy is right there..under my picture.
Claud
Its so nice to see you together, there is that knowing that even though you have been apart, its still there, there is something about knowing a family and its heritage, the way of doing things that goes from one generation to the next, that only people of that family understand and get to their very bones.
and to anon,
I have to agree with Claud that she has opened herself to meeting with the people who raised him, for the greater good but they wont even write back.
I get this feeling though that you cant help but come to this blog, because you want to know what is going on, does Max know that you come here? Does he feel ok about you reading up on his life via his mothers blog?
If real conversation with Claud is what you want, which I have a feeling it is, why dont you just email her, her email is on the side bar and you can get a hotmail account so that incase you are uncomfortable for now sharing who you are, you can remain anon. I bet you could even ask her to keep your conversations private and she will.
I really believe that you have stuff you want to say to her, I really dont get the feeling that you are an ass, I get the feeling that you just want to talk. Maybe I am completely off……..
Reading your words gives everyone the warm fuzzies – but lets be realistic. max may have wanted to meet you – he may be truly happy – heis definitely caught up in the novelty of it all. Instead of thinking that his a parents are ignoring you or are too insecure to unify the two sides – PERHAPS giive them more credit than that – perhaps they have reaised and loved Max his entore life and therefore feel that it is his decision – not theirs – it is his choice to meet you – not theirs. Maybe they are just letting their son spread his wings. I have no doubt that you and Max have some things in cmmom – but when the novelty wears off he will see that his true parents are the Mom and dad who have raised him. While i do not doubt he will feel a connection – i do doubt you can step in and make up for a lifetime of absence. Yes, you certainly can build from this point on – but you seem to want to belittle or refute all the parenting already done which is impossible as well as just plain – unkind.
I am not trying to jolt your joy ~ just to ask that you give max’s parents a little – no a lot – more credit. I have a feeling of Max had turned out to be an awful young man – riddled with issues and questionable values – that the aparents would be getting all the flack.
please excuse my typing above – my english language translation and my typing skills are a work in progress.
Weird that some “friend of the family” is so involved and cares so much. I’m guessing either 1. Troll, or 2. one of the adoptive parents. And definitely someone who hasn’t educated themselves much on adoption and adoptees. Its not about Max having to choose sides and decide who his “true” parents are. It should never be about that.
And I would also like to point out that years of therapy with no definitive clinical diagnosis is usually pointless and just a way to suck vulnerable people out of their money. If the patient doesn’t know why he attends therapy, then he’s either deeply mentally ill, or the therapy is not doing anything. It doesn’t sound like there’s any behavior modification work going on, or Max would know about it. And if he’s just on pills with no diagnosis, that’s pretty pointless too.
Oh, and I would sign in, but blogger doesn’t seem to want to let me. I’m AnyoneHere on SOA.
Ah…I am so tempted to just a make list of the reasons why I might possibly feel tha way I do, but I doubt that that will do any good. I mean, it will look like, to those who wish to find fault in it and me, that I am looking for trouble and being harsh..and those who understand my point…well they have read a lot of the blog…so they know how I am..and so it is a moot point.
AH, how it would be trully just LOVELY if his folk’s were cool with him meeting me, and indeed felt it was his choice, etc. I mean, honesty, that would be great!
I do find myself uncomfrotable with reuinons where the Apaps feel they have to be involved in all aspects, etc. Sometimes, it works…if all are open and into it, but often it is a recipe for disaster.
I guess for me, the question would be..if that is thier thought process..how hard would it have been to tell me? ” Hi, we’re ok with it all. We trust him, we understand, and it you gig..no need to worry about us ..we are supportive of his decisions, blah blah, etc at el”.
Then I would be “hey they rock”.
And it would be foolish and wrong for him, if I even attempted to undermine them. For me..it’s not an adversariarily position…not me vs. them. I can;t and do not..blame them for adopting him..or doing what they have done. They did what they were suppose to. In fact, in the past I have openly applauded them for nurturing him in a way so that he can be so obviously himself..which is why I do, with out being given more reason..find the theraphy questionable. It contridicts what I have hoped to beleive.
The reality of the siutation..for us all..is that we are now connected. We have always been, but now it is here. I think, at this point, not being able to go back and call a redue, that it would be just as tragic and harmful for Max to feel that he has to forsake the past 19 years ofhis life. I know that would be a tremoudous loss..and as a mother, I would not wish that upon him…or even on them. I am not asking for that. eck, if I am asking for anything..it is for what is best for him, and to understand for myself.
The fact is…truely..he has two sets of parents. That is the nature of adoption. I cannot make up for lost years..that is our loss. And really…they way if seems to me..being there and in it..we both get that..and are just really happy to be able to bulid on form here.
And if he was trully screwed up..I would probably have some anger to work though, understandably, but I also do think that I would fault the insitute of adoption as the cause…as I do really for it all anyway. It’s not their fault.
Maybe you should extend that “give more credit” to both sides. Because your assumptions, are not only also unkind, but untrue.
“but when the novelty wears off he will see that his true parents are the Mom and dad who have raised him.”
Anonymous, what on Earth makes you so certain of this? My son never came to this conclusion. Not at all. He saw himself as having 4 parents, 5 including a step-father.
Then his adopters gave him the ultimatum of “Us or them,” and he chose his natural family and his adopters now refuse to deal with him, so he sees himself as having 2 real parents and a step-father, NONE Of them adoptive. The adoptive parents, having made him choose, lost all. They expected him to see them as his real and ONLY parents, and he refused to play that game.
I know other natural parents who have adopted-back their lost children. So not all adoptees chose the adoptive family. Some return to where they should have been all along.
…and many stay where the belong … or rather – where they feel they belong –
there is no absolutes in this – every situation will be unique. Maybe in time you will find more abot why Max is in therapy – perhaps he just was not ready to discuss it…
Maybe his parents just need more time to absorb -i am sure it is all very hard for them – I hope you remain open to them even though they have not yet been open to you – maybe seeing Max smile when he talks of you will help –
NO ONE SHOULD EVER MAKE (or even imply) ADOPTEES CHOOSE BETWEEN PARENTS.
This is not a competition people – if you feel it is – get yourself into therapy quick smart – and don’t lay that bullsh@t on the adoptee.
Don’t EVER lay that bullch@t on the adoptee.
(Claud – after reading your entire blog – I don’t think you would – but just had to get this out there.)
…..cranky Possum is now retreating into the night………
Oh Claud, these posts detailing the reunion are just wonderful. They’re my favorites on your whole blog.
Yes, Max DOES fit with you, with your family… you can see him exuding the same kind of energy you do. It’s amazing, really–it takes my breath away. Indescribable.
You have an amazing first born, and HE has an amazing first mom.
anon you admit that they are not opem to Claude that is damage enough to Max’s relationship with them,, how can it not be harmfull to a relationship. He has made the decision as an adult to have his mother in his life, it is a very special relationship. Seeing the smile on his face is going to help his aparents change their minds, Whatever happened to just doing the right thing.
The smile is what it’s going to take for them to do the right thing,,
Yikes as a parent I am cringing,,
My god do you hear what you are saying,
They are parents , they owe it to Max to be good, moral, loving, trusting, parents,, and by not supporting or approving of Claudia being in his life they are breaking every one of those parent “rules” in my opinion.
The day you decide to become parents you take on a silent oath to always try to make decisions NOT based on your own selfish needs and wants.
Your children are on their own journeys,, we can not direct them but we can be there to support them and love them. Offer unconditional love all the time, not just when they do what we ask of them.
The therapy thing I can bet is probly done with some kind of blackmail,, I bet something is lost because of it if he does not go,, I can almost bet on it. It is another way to have control.
Anyways Claudia is in his life.
AS HE HAS CHOSEN FOR HER TO BE.
They are being unfair and very selfish,
Seeing the smile on his face is what its going to take for them to do the right thing by their child..
Come on!! Again, do you see what you write,, it is so irrational and makes no sense.
As a parent I could never be as unrealistic and to put my selfish insecurities above my sons happyness , it is just absurd.
Why is it so hard for them to just accept,
Has Max not offered enough smiles, yet, I mean they have been in contact for awhile, I wonder how many smiles he has already turned into this smile registor.
Anon,, Is there a certain amount of smiles that need approval or need to be turned in before he can gain this acceptance???
my god it is like buying a peice of acceptance,
for this many smiles you get room number #1,,, for this many smiles you get room #2 ,, for this many smiles you get room #3.
Assinine, is what it is,,I will say again my adoptive parents did the same thing and even though I love them dearly this has hurt my relationship with my mother very much, in fact it has made me pull very far away from her. I resent the hell out of her for doing this to me.
For gods sake listen to what you are saying and leave claudia alone, or just email her you look the fool here,,
and Max, what would he think of you being here,,personaly as an adoptee you are very offensive.
Let us celebrate with claudia
go away. You are not wanted here,
actually it is not my place to tell you to go away , it is not my blog, maybe you are welcome ,,
it is claudia blog, so I apologize that was very dissrespectfull of me,,
but I swear I am so enjoying this story and this reunion,
it happens to be the most beautifull heart tugging story I have read in a couple years, and you anon are not going to ruin it for me,,
It is a good cry,, every time I read Claudias words about Max and her,,
Ani – your anger and your issues fog your vision to the side of the parents – YES- the parents. THEY ARE HIS PARENTS! And, no, I am not a horrible parent – I do what is best for my children out of my unconditional love for my children. Why would it be wrong of his parents to refrain from interaction with claud – why is it wrong to let Max make this decision on his own ~ HOW DO YOU KNOW they are not supporting him? HOW DO YOU KNOW that Max maybe does not want them to meet? When I said that his smile would convince them – I meant that perhaps Max would now initiate them all meeting, at his own pace, and seeing how much it means to him -how happy it makes him ~ they may take the next step. You turning my words into the ACCEPTANCE ritual was ridiculous . I do not see his parents hesitation as a lack of support – but rather cautious of their son getting hurt. I would venture to say they have been supportive behind the scenes of whatever their son chooses to do. By NOT knowing what they are saying or doing – does not give you the right to say they “bribe” him, they do not support him – or that they blackmail him? Do you kn ow these people at all? You are so warped that you have convinced yourself of their guilt before you even know the details. You assume the worst – which is sad. There is another side to the story but you are too closed minded and miserable to envision a brighter scenario.
Anon, if you read further back in the blog Max’s parents tried to keep Claud from contacting Max, bitched at her for doing so before his 18th birthday and tried to keep her contact hidden from him, then refused to respond to her letter asking for them to try to come together for Max’s sake when it became apparent he wanted contact.
I did read all of that – but see it differently as max was not 18 and they were “bitching” because it is against the law. Again – NONE of you know what max and his parents discuss ~ so we all have no right to judge their actions…that is all I am saying. they have their reasons and they should be respected.
It’s not against the law to CONTACT someone. No matter what age they are.
Get your facts straight.
There are three sides to this story. Each side has there own history, reasons and facts that they bring to it. All three sides should be respected and definately none of them should be judged, especially by those of us who do not know all three sides.
Respext all three and let this reunion happen with respect to all three sides.
There are may things my parents did that I did not understand until I was older and it would have been very unfair for others to judge them when they did not know all the facts and circumstances just as it would be for others to judge Claud for her decisions as well.
If this triad is to work, all sides need to have grace, compassion, understanding, patience and RESPECT.
It’s certainly not against the law to contact someone before they are 18. Where did you get something like that?
You know, I CAN actually respect and try my dernest to understand and iamagine what this might feel like to his parents. See, part of my whole self-education and preparation for this reunion has been talking to and listening to the many various views and feelings of adoptive parents. And at this point, I have to say…If there was a degree in just adoption awareness, well I am six years into it..so thats what a Masters? I mean…I do this stuff like an adverage of 6 hours a day at the minimum. And I dare say I feel really pretty confident that I am probably a bit more aware of various issues then they are. Could be wrong, but so far…pretty sure.
Now lets’s just all imagine for a minute. You have someone that you want to contact. You share infor from them. Say it’s a family memeber and you have had some differneces, but you offer up an olive branch. And they do not respond. What would many of you think?
We might make excuses for them…they are busy, they need to have more time, they need to process things, perhaps something else is going on, etc. You give them the benefit of the doubt, right?
Now say that you know the purpose of this contact is really for a good thing, and pretty necessary. Then those reasonings being to get pretty..lame? One might begin to wonder if they ever will open up to you. And, really, if you put yourself out there honestly and openly with the best of intentions, and they do not respond…what would you think?
They don’t care about you? That they don’t like you? That they might never bother with you.
Now I might very well be wrong, as I said, and if that proves to be the case I will most joyfully announce that..really happily..I wish I AM wrong..but right now, my feelings are that …Max’s parents..they are not to fond of me. I usually say that “my impression is that they are not tooo thrilled nor pleased with contact”
Now I cannot know exactly WHY, but I have spoken to enough adoptive parents to have a pretty good idea of what MIGHT be their feelings. That I do not know exactly what those feelings really are…is not for my lack of desiring to understand. I am not judging, but I do at this point really wonder…I assume becasue I have nothing else!
If they doubt who I am, besides the person who produced their child, and they fear perhaps for Max, then how better to gauge that fear them by speaking to me and make a call for themsleves?
And as I said before, it’s not so hard to say..”hey, we’re cool..we trust him..do your thing”. That would be fine by me..then I would not worry that he has pressure on him.
ANd that is the thing..I do not care for my sake. I do not need blessings or whatever, but HE might. It probably IS important to HIM. It might be nice for him to be able to opely share this reunion experincewith them for him..in fact, the majority of adoptess report that they refer their parents to be supportive and involved so that they do not feel that they have “betrayed” the parents in any way.
It actually brings adoptive familes closer together…strenghtens that bond.
Really, it gets me ill that he might feel that he has to hid our contact, that he cannot be open, that he is a position where he has to lie to them. I wouldn’t want someone else to put my kid in that kind of a positiion, so I can understand that they might not like that either!
The inital contact that I made, “against the rules” which can be deemed as bad or threatening, was done almost TWO YEARS ago. I would hope that we can get beyond that now. And besides it was not illegal..and I DID attempt another route first. I would have been happy to play by the rules, but the rules sucked and they were wrong. Not my call.
But based on what I see and know to be facts ( aka direct information…sorry anony ..you don’t really cut it..I have no way of knowing you really are who you say you are..which is very ambigious at best)..is only from Max at this point..and even with my teenage filters on, all I can say is that some of it I just don’t get.
There is more that I do not feel comforatble saying publicially. That’s NOT my place. I am not into bashing, and as I said, I can be proven wrong in a heartbeat..I would rather understand how things are than decide that I know.
So as I said, don’t assume you know all that I think and feel..as open as I am here, there are some things I keep even closer.
I really do not need someone else to tell me to think of them and what they want and need..I have done that. I have put myself out there for him. I thought about them and his needs, and the agency and my family and society for years…then I raised myself and made all our needs equal. I stopped being the last rung on the pole and said that what I wanted and beleived in was just as important as them, lesser than him..but as good as them.
They know my position, they know who I am, I can be found, I am open. That is not reciprocated. I can’t help that. I am left with what I have…some facts, lots of questions, lots of happiness, some wondering still.
I do not know why they are not in direct contact with me. That is a fact. I can assume, I can wonder..I can hope I am wrong..until I am proven otherwise. Until then, I say what I learn and know..I process that. I let others see it…for the adoptees who can tell me if I do it wrong, for the other moms so we know that we are not alone in these feelings and for the parents so that they can see also how their actions can leave us moms with quesitions and be better for their kids.
That’s who I am, that’s what I do. This is what I have, This is my life. I like it and I am going with it.
Want to tell me more that you know for sure..go ahead..I am open to it. But I might not beleive it as I know nothing about the source either. So still ..not really fact…yet.
But as I said..I’m open to learn. I’m still here..waiting.
Although it is not against the law to contact someone before the age of 18, she did go against the contract that she “WILLING” signed. So, legally she was in breach of contract if you want to play it that way. And as for respect from Max’s parents? Get real she had NO respect for them when she went behind their back so why should they show her any respect. You have to give respect to get respect. She only had several months to go before he turned 18. They may have had a different attitude towards her but frankly I don’t blame them.
Anon – as an adoptee in reunion, I am disgusted by your notion that reunion is a novelty. It shows complete lack of understanding as to what adoptees go through growing up feeling isolated and cut off from the family they want to know. My mother and my reunion with her is far from being a novelty – it is life and it is real and it will continue until one of us leaves this earth.
Claud – I can so relate to your post. One of the things I always wanted from my aparents was to be accepted for who I was – and that never happened. When I pierced my nose I got slapped across the face. When I shaved my head I was made to wear a wig. I was always a good person with a big heart and polite and considerate – just a little “different” than the rest. But they never saw that and just wanted me to conform instead of nurturing that which made me different.
When I met my mom I gave her a photo album and in it was a pic of me from my glory days in full punk rock form. She paused on the photo and I started to make some justification of my looks and she stopped me and said “oh no, I was just thinking how pretty you look.” I’ll tell you, it’s hard to grapple with what could have been when you think you wouldn’t have had to deal with all the “issues” that not only come with adoption but come with completely not fitting in and then seeing that had you been able to stay with your first family you would have fit and been accepted. It’s sooooooo hard to see that.
Ah..I still cannot tell if this is one and the same anons…really, can you make up a name? Should I do it for you? Ok, so the last anon to post..you are now LouLouBell.
So LouLou..you said this:
“Get real she had NO respect for them when she went behind their back so why should they show her any respect.”
That’s your interpetation.
I had and have respect for them. What I did not have respect for was their decision to deny Max the fact that I had made contact and let HIM decide. The way I see it, I did go over their wishes (wishes, a simple statement, not even asked of me, told to me, that they didn’t think he was interested, not requested, not illegal, and even not a contract…what I SIGNED was allowing HIM to have access to MY records and idenifing information..not a contract dictating my right to search, but a WAIVER allowing him ) and went straight to the source..him. In fact, IF they had said..we told him and he had no interest..even if that was a LIE, I would have honored that as I trusted what they said and would have expected the truth.
When I made contact with them…that was the time..becasue it was the truth. That’s when it happened.
When I found him and could contact him directly..I did then, becasue it was the time, it is when it happened, and it was the truth.
Sure, I could have waited for the last 7 months. I could have watched him from afar. I could have counted the days, but I choose not too. Why? Becasue many adoptess said that they found THAT freaky. That they didn’t like it when they found out moms were keeping tabls in them, watching, etc. They like to be seen as people with feelings and able to decide for themselves what they want. And so many have told me that they wished their mothers looked for them,searched, wanted them, and would be happy to find them. SO I did what the adoptees told me that they would have wanted.
If Max had told me…nah, not really ready to deal with this..I would have STOPPED right then and there. Immediatly… becasue I respect HIS wishes.
It was about what HE wanted, not what they wanted or even what I wanted..and what I did was be truthful and say..Hey, here I am. I have found you ..now..this minute…and I am here for you.
Can they be mad that I didn’t wait…sure. I get that. ( it was two years ago though..so is that a grudge??) Do I have just as much to be upset that they didn’t openly and honestly discuss contact with him?? Coz I did. Or wait, do I again have no rights as a person, as a human, as a mother?? Respect goes both ways for sure. Unless you just think that I don’t get any.
I didn’t go behind their backs. I went to their door first, they closed that with NO sign of when they were going to open it ( I would have probably waited for that too..if they said..hey lets talk again in 6 months..or next year). So I looked in a window. Coz thats all I had. Max waved back and the rest is history.
The fact is..like Dory, that was MY life growing up. Didn’t matter what I did at school, how well my grades were, how I got into every great art school in the country..shaving my head was a thing I did to purposely screw my mother in her eyes and she never got it. She never got that my asthetic love for combat boots was just ingrained..it was a FU to her.
I still adore combat boots and think that guys that wear them are automatically 10 times sexier than the nearest barefoot male model.So yeah, it fraking triggers me when my son tells me that he has to go to therphy to get the rock and roll out of him..and I understand that he is just lovely and beautiful and a good person and he just is.
I know his life is not my life…but man, I picked a family that as closely related to my family as I could…so maybe I really did???
Oh wait, unless I cannot have any right to any feelings? Us cheap novelties are only good for collecting dust when others tire of us, right?
Or is that another anon??
See the thing is..I can get that they might have been upset..I really do. Its just that how is holding on to that..if that is the reason…helping Max now?? What does that teach him?
Fine you can call me LouLouBelle if it makes you feel better.
You said that it was my interpretation in my comment. No actually it’s fact. You did go behind their back after they asked you to wait.
You said that you “did what the adoptees told you to do”. That’s BS and you know it. Not all adoptees feel that way. The fact is that the only feelings you took into consideration in the beginning was YOURSELF. You didn’t give a rats butt about the reaction that Max could have had. And you being a parent yourself should know that EVERY parent whether adoptive or birth want to protect their children. Whether it be physical or emotional protectionl.
Luckily it ended well for you Claud and I am truly happy for you and Max I really am, but the way you went about it was selfish and very immature on your part. That my dear is FACT.
LouLouBell…did you SEE the letter???
Do YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAID??
No, you didn’t…I doubt, I DID. I read it.
It did not ASK me to do anything…except understand. She said that she hoped I would understand. And I tried to.
And yeah, I trusted the adoptees that I felt were honest and completely open and had knowledge of their adoptee status and issues. No, not all of them will say the same. Some say they have no desire to search or only want their medical records. He could have said that too. He didn’t.
And where to you think you can say that I didnt give a rat’s ass?? Oh right, you were here then too? Right over my shoulder as you read the letter? SO you KNOW what I was thinking and feeling? Just like you know what the letter said.
Yes..oh it is true ..I said ” Its all about me me me..I don;t care what he thinks..I havent thought about this for ever and worried and debated..nooo..just that I want to!!!”
ASSUMPTIONS…and wrong ones at that.
Louloubelle, what you say, protecting them, doesn’t fly. From what I gather reading recent posts, Max’s adoptive parents essentially LIED to Claud by telling her that he was not interested.
Her “Mother’s Instincts” knew better than to accept this line at face value. So she contacted him. He COULD have said “NO!” to all contact. He could have told her himself that he was not interested, if he wasn’t. Instead, he kept up communication. He was indeed interested. They were indeed dishonest.
They showed their hand: that they are insecure, possessive, territorial PLUS willing to make up stories when it suits them.
Claud respected them, but from the get-go they NEVER respected her enough to tell her the truth!
If a seventeen year old mother is considered “old enough” to make a “choice” regarding adoption, to “choose” a lifetime of unresolvable grief and loss, serious depression, PSTD etc and loss of her child (who might be the only child she will ever have), why is a 17 year old male not considered old enough to make a decision to be in contact with the first mother he ever had? A person whom he was part of for 9 months?
the same attitude makes adopters happy to rob a young mother of her child and consider it a “choice” her part but protective of young adult adoptees who just might be little babies who might go “waaaahhh!” if found at the same age. hypocritical.
Claude, LouLouBelle here.
You said that I have not seen the letter. Maybe because everybody has to trust what you say. So excuse me if I take that everything you say with a grain of salt. I still think there was more to that and your gilding the lily pretty good there.
And Sylvia saying adoptive parents are “territorial”? What was Claud? Just because she gave birth it gives her rights? Please don’t make me laugh. Clearly she gave up that right 19 years ago when she “WILLING” signed papers. So your little speech is worthless.
LouLouBelle just eloquently expressed my daughter’s reason for running away from adoption (ANY kind of adoption) as fast as she could. We tell EVERYONE who will listen about how first parents are viewed by most adoptive parents and our society. Thanks, Claud for telling us and sparing our beautiful boy a terrible fate.
Happy G’Ma
OK..so we are getting some where here.
Let’s see..you didn’t see the letter. You don’t really know what it says. But instead of taking my word for it..that I was never asked to refrain for contacting him….now I’m lying.
Great prgress…can’t prove your point.so now I’m lying. You didn’t do well in debate club, did you?
If I still HAD the damn letter I would now scan it and post it. But I left it with his father in September by accident.So yeah, being that I don’t lie..you DO have to take my word on it. You don’t have much choice. Sucks, doesn’t it?
And now..we have the old diverse the agruement techinque..now you want to debate my willingness to sign and the whole “rights” thing..yawn…been there, done that. Really, I am bored. SAid it all before and I dont think I really care anymore to convince you.
Irvine? Yeah?
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Hi CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I am BioDads wife. Just amazing to read your experience meeting up with your son. Its incredible. Michael went through very much the same story six years ago when he met his donor conceived son and daughter. Of course he didn’t carry them 9 months and then live with the unbelievable burdon of pain and loss that relinquishing parents carry through life. But still and all… meeting his kids was the same experience, like peas in a pod.
Perhaps, rather than sending their adopted children to therapy, it should be manditory for adoptive parents to undergo therapy themselves from the time they adopt. Let them embark on a lifetime of ‘adjustment’ to the fact that they are raising other peoples children and must accept that the person they are raising may one day wish to build a strong and loving relationship with their birth parents too. Accept that the person they are calling ‘their’ child will become a completely different individual to them and their genetic family members. Accept that only thing that matters is that a childs need to be loved by their birth parents be met no matter what the the personal emotional cost to the adoptive parents. Isn’t that what ‘real’ parents do? Why are adoptive parents being excused from this duty of care?
My husbands kids and the parents of his child are also completely different human beings, from a completely different planet, they have nothing in common with my husband at all… apart from the kids. I initially thought that having the kids in common would prove a strong bonding agent, but it all seems to get dragged to the paltry level of some sort of sleazy ‘affair’ where the adoptive parents are seen as The Betrayed.
Personally, my six years in the adoption, donor conception scene has made me liken the baby hunger that drives people to adoption and, particularly, donor conception, to cannabalism.
And yes, Michaels son, was also placed on prescription drugs as a child which he refused later. And the confused, ‘slow learner’ we met six years ago is now strong, confident and finding himself because he has Michael, his father, to guide him.
It makes me want to buckle up with pain to see Anonmyous state that your son will soon realise that the people who raised him are his true parents. I must say that the possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity experienced by adoptive parents can cause strong feelings of loyalty to grow within the good loving hearts of their adopted children. Until yes, one day, it can indeed be stated that the person who changed the nappies, is the real parent and that nurture IS stronger than nature. But at what cost? So much pain and loss.
As an onlooker you are left asking, who are the parents and who are the kids here? Shouldn’t only one thing matter, that the kid is LOVED and if that is by the parents who conceived that kid, why fight it? It makes me sick. The pain of it all doesn’t seem to end and in my mind its because of stupid denial of the importance of gentic ties and a persons need to freely know and freely love their own genetic mother and father and family.
This anon has serious issues. What kind of pathology does it take to attack someone he/she does not know, make numerous assumptions, tell others what they should think/feel, all while saying he/she is not trying to negate your joy. Talk about immature. Talk about selfish. Talk about deluded. Talk about lashing out as a means to avoid self analysis. Talk about needing to get a life. This is so beyond reachable with logic. I’m glad to see you stopped wasting your breath.
Back to the subject of YOUR post, happy reunion!
No – I am not Loulou – but I agree with all she wrote and heard all she was saying… I could keep my mouth shut till I read this quote “Let them embark on a lifetime of ‘adjustment’ to the fact that they are raising other peoples children “. I am convinced that many of you have taken your anger and bitterness and have dwelled on it for so long that you have created the illusion in your minds that YOU ARE STILL THE PARENTS OF THE CHILDREN YOU WILLINGLY GAVE UP!!! Adoptive parents do not raise “other” peoples children – we raise OUR children. Giving birth to a child does not make you a parent – you actually HAVE TO PARENT a child to be a parent.
hey, anon, if my son is actually his a-mom’s son and not mine, then why does he call me “Mom”? we reunited 7 years ago and he says that I am his mother AND his mom. his adopter DID raise another woman’s child, and now he has found me again. his “a-mom” went on to have 2 children of her own after adopting my son, and she discovered the difference, that it was not the same.
“Parent” is a noun and was one until it was artificially made into a verb by social workers and it is another lie: parents can be the ones related to the child or the ones raising the child, but we who ARE related to our children do NOT cease to be parents just because we were NOT able to raise them.
and BTW, i did NOT “WILLINGLY” GIVE UP my baby. I wanted to keep him but that option was NOT given to me in the “Baby Scoop” that stole babies from unwed mothers.
Claud congrats on your reunion with Max. I know you have been waiting for this for so long and I am so happy for you!
Oh for fuck’s sake this is ridiculous. I am an adoptive mom, yet I manage to “get it” and I feel no reason to defend Max’s parents actions which I believe show obvious selfishness, fear, and entitlement.
In our case, as well as others, DS’s first mom chose adoption, yes, willingly…whatever. The only rights she relinquished, though, were to be legally recognized as the parent. She didn’t relinquish her human rights to contact anyone via the public domain , she didn’t relinquish her motherhood, she didn’t relinquish her right to love her son, and her act of relinquishing those rights and my act of accepting those rights does not remove our son’s rights to know his biological family, and especially his first mom, his right to love and be loved by the people who brought him into this world. He wasn’t a willing party to any of this.
He should never have to feel that loving her will negate his love for me…I love her, and I fully expect he will as well. Hell, maybe he won’t love either of us and eschew all family ties and live in the mountains of Tibet, maybe he will emotionally move back and forth between us due to wherever he is in life…he is a person, and with personhood comes much capacity for complex and fluid feelings. People love multiple children, multiple grandparents, multiple friends….why is only when we start talking about parents, especially “Moms” that so many think humans are only capable of loving or needing one person by that title?
Yes, the circumstances that led his first mom to this decision sucked, in a better world I wouldn’t be a mom right now. I had no “right” or entitlement to be given her baby to raise. She gave me my motherhood, not God or the agency or the law. She gave me the responsibility to love him, protect him, and nurture his unique nature until he is old enough to decide his own course in life…just as she gave this wonderful litle boy life… and his dimple, and his beautiful eyes and hair, and his goofy sense of humor and talents and traits we haven’t seen as yet but are looking forward to..
She is his mother, and she acted and continues to act in what she has determined to be in his best interests- as a mother should- I can’t imagine why anyone would want that title taken from her. I am his mother, in that I am the female parent…and I feel I do have a right to that title as well because she gave it to me.
Such venom from so many… That sickens me, isn’t it obvious that the only thing Claud has ever done is love the son she gave birth to?
As an adoptee, I have 2 sets of parents. Period, the end. That is how the story goes. You people are ludacris to think that the adoptive parents are the only parents of an adoptee, if that were the case there would be no paperwork and no “as if born to” in the paperwork.
If max’s adoptive parents have a problem with Claud then they neeed to be grown ups and talk to her themselves, because you venomous people trying to protect them are just enabling them to be immature and not act in their son’s best interest. That is, after all, their job. Stop speaking for them, mind your own damned buisness and let them speak up if they feel the need because adults, real adults don’t need protecting
Claudia (coincidentally, my birthmother is also named Claudia!),
I was at the AAC Conference too, and did the workshop on sibling reactions after reunion (I also wrote the book “The Other Sister” that was in the book room). I wish I could have met you; your reunion story is so touching and brings back alot of the intense emotions from my own reunion with my birthparents seventeen years ago. It’s a tough one for aparents though; mine are still trying to come to terms with it after all these years, and both sets of parents have never met. My bparents would be willing, but my aparents are not. It’s tough; it puts the adoptee in the position though; for every little bit more that he loves you, he’s betraying his aparents the same amount. Or at least that’s how it feels.
Best of luck to you all as you move through the intense and wonderful honeymoon stage and into the rest of your lives together!
Susan Thompson Underdahl
WOW – really, WOW, your blog, your reunion story, these 53 comments I just read – WOW. I am flooded with wanting to say way too much and then it feel like not nearly enough…I was at AAC (sorry we didn’t meet!), I’m an adoptee, a birth mother and an adoption professional. I am honored and humbled to hear your story. I am reminded of my story – you have used phrases and words I have used to describe my son after I met him again 20 years later. I am touched by all who have reached out to congratulate you and offer thier words of how your story touched them. And I am disturbed that a very few chose to take this to an adversarial place that some of us in adoption have been trying so hard to eliminate. It really is not at all about who gets to be the parents – Claud has already said it best – the reality of adoption always has been and always will be – the adoptee has TWO SETS OF PARENTS. And hopefully when each adoptee becomes adult enough for them (18 is NOT a magical age for everyone – some younger; some older)they will get to make thier own decisions about how many parents they choose to claim. Sadly, our laws prevent many from getting a chance to make that choice easily. Thankfully, I have; and my son has. We both have LOTS of parents – all meaningful to us in different ways, but all equally meaningful. I’m so glad I took the time to read this – thank you! Rebecca
Brandi,
You sum it up well, thank you.
Claud, sorry to hear that some nutcase is trying to hijack your blog again. Looks familiar.
Terri, every comment like that whittles away at any shred of goodwill that might remain. I have posted nothing negative on this blog, IF it’s me you are referring to.
Hi Claud,
This is Chris, Terri’s husband. First I want to say that I’ve been reading your blog for some time now and that I’m a big fan. And, before I forget, congratulations on your reunion with Max.
Unfortunately, when I look to see what’s going on in Claude’s World (and Rye’s – must acknowledge your husband), I stumble upon my wife’s cyberstalker above. Apparently her posts on your blog and obsession with my wife are further examples of “Good Will.” Some of the things she says remind me of an insane lover talking to their object of affection prior to locking them in the basement “for their own good”.
While I normally sit quiet and just observe, I now find it difficult not to make an observation and a disclosure. First, the observation. I’ve watched my wife simply seek out a place in the adoption support arena, be honest and open beyond my ability, allow room for reconciliation beyond what most people could have, search into the realms of her own unconscious seeking any possible scrap of “personal fault” she may have missed … all to be used against her unendingly in an attempt to ensure “The Wall” stays intact. While BVM not once has admitted that her own humanity may play any part in this tragedy.
The disclosure . . .my wife astounds me with her ability to endure through this torture. To so unfailingly continue to take the higher road, to keep the focus on what may be best for her oldest daughter through BVM’s onslaughts takes a courage and vision that eludes me. It’s been a pleasure to watch Terri reach the point where she swats BVM’s advances away like an annoying gnat.
So my hat off to you, Terri, and others for finding your ways to overcome this kind of terrible loss while having to deal with people like BVM.
I have been reading your blog for days now from the very beginning. I feel like you are my angel sent form heaven to help me feel human & not alone. I too, placed a son, I named Jayson for adoption. It was 1990, I was 17 & pregnant & turned 18 2 months before Jayson was born. I have suffered so much pain the pst 19 years. I placed Jayson for adoption in Virginia through Catholic Charities. I was told I could find him at 18. Four years ago when Jayson was 15 I wrote to the agency & requested information. I wrote a letter to the aparents asking them for communication on any level with them or with Jayson. I was completely shot down by the aparents. They wrote back to the agency that it would be his choice when he was 18 & that they were not willing to communicate with me but were willing to accept letters from me to hold for Jayson “until a time they thought was right for him to know”. For 15 years I had prayed for them and now I was feeling anger towards them!
Jayson turned 19 on August 14th and I am waiting for him to find me since his records are completely sealed & I can never find him. I have yearned for him & I will respect any decision he makes in contactng me but that does not stop me thinking of him, hoping for us & wanting my Son back!
How can the aparents not share anything with me when I have shared him with them? Reading your blog, helps me in so many ways. I know I am not alone & that is great becuase I do not know one person who has placed a child for adoption. I just have been suffering silently.
I have registered on every adoption registry site, written letters just to him & sent them to the agency & I also have a Facebook page just in case he does want to look for me. I have tried to turn things over to God but it is a daily struggle. Despite what anon says about the aparents I too feel like it is Max decision after all & loving him is supporting him. It is amazing to me that aparents think we are good enough to have our children yet do not respect us as the BirthMom. In my letter to the aparents, I thanked them & asked them to please share ANYTHING with me but I got nothing.
Being that I placed Jayson for adoption also in a military hopsital & had to have a emergency c-section I was not allowed to see him, hold him & I signed my papers while still in the hospital. The Agency no longer has BirthMother’s sign while still in the hospital which is great but I wish someone would of helped me understand things better. I was pregnant at 17, making a decision that at the time I had no other choice, being Catholic abortion was not an option. I know I am all over the place with this post but I just feel overwhelmed & completely comfortable being able to share a bit of my story.
I just want you to know that I admire you & want to wish you & Max all the best on the relationship you have now!
Hi! I am fairly new to your blog and have never commented before. I am generally not one to comment on blogs of people I don’t know but, here I am commenting away! I realize that this article is a few years old, but I feel like commenting anyway.
First, let me give you a itsy bitsy background of me for your gee whiz file. I am a step-mom (of 15yrs) to two boys (20 and 19). I have been co-raising them for the past 13 yrs. I say co, because although my husband and I have had custody of them, their mom has always been in the picture. Living close by their mom the boys have had open access to both sets of their parents.
We are also adoptive parents of our 16 mo. old son. I know…..big gap in ages, but it is what it is and in some ways, I really like it. Anyway, our adoption is very open and we are extremely fortunate to not only have our son’s natural mother (M) in our lives, but we have her daughter (K) as well. It gets better….we also have natural father (D) and his daughter (G) in our lives as well. Our adoption has been open from day one and will continue to be open.
I must say that in general there are a lot of things I disagree with you about, however, there are some things that I do agree with you on. I understand the controversy between all the commenters but I don’t understand all the ‘mud slinging’ that goes on, but if anything good can come of it then you should know this, your blog has given me even more resolve than I had before to make sure that my child’s birth family always stays a part of his life. I have always been of the opinion that is takes a village to raise a child and am happy that our son’s village will include both of his families. I hope that it will help him throughout his life and like you said in a previous comment allow our bonds to grow even tighter.
I love the relationship that I share with M. Sometimes we get together without any of the kids and it is just she and I. We talk about a lot of things…..adoption doesn’t consume our relationship, however, we did get together just 2 days ago and discussed your blog and all of the questions it raises. I expressed to her my understanding that she will at times question her decision, that she will always have a longing for him, that she will always miss him and I don’t ever feel like she should lock those feelings away.
I feel very strongly that is in the best interest of our child to make sure that this communication and this relationship always stays open. I never want our child feel torn between anyone. I want him to know where he gets his smile, it is from M. I want him to know where he gets his eyes, it is from M. Even now at a young age, I can see his other family in the faces he makes. I take great responsibility in making sure I am the best dang momma I can be…..I believe that adoption can be a beautiful thing if done right.
So, I think I have rambled long enough, but want you to know that I am very happy for you and Max/Gary 😉 I think reunions are awesome and I hope that you have somewhat of peace. I haven’t read your blog up to date, so I don’t know how it is going now, but I hope it is well.
p.s. I have tried posting this a few times but it hasn’t worked. So if my thoughts are all over the place, it’s because I’ve had to re-write them and now I am just confusing myself.
Yeah, Karrilynn, you stumbled on an oldie…I forgot how harsh the debates used to get. Pleased that it doesn’t seem that I have to fight as hard anymore; but I think that’s because the “anons” have grow bored with me and the sky has not fallen in.
Whilein my perfect world there would never have to be another mohter and child every separated by adoption; I am always pleased to hear stories like yours where the imperfect i made as perfect as it can. No, it won’t mitigate everything; but you get Kudos for being open..not meaning adoption open..but open in mind, open in heart. I thank you for that.
Four years later..reunion will never change what is lost; but we have continued to build slowly and strongly..and most times I can pretend that my life is close to normal; I have almost 24 year old son who lives in a nearby city..as one should at that age. As a family, we get together when we can..and the joy is still there.
I never did hear back from his parents nor have I ever met them. And the only real feelings I have left for that is that it is saddest for him.
Thank you for coming by and commenting …sorry Google was eating your comments! It was good for me too to come back and read this all….
Best~
Claud~
Aaahhh….a perfect world! I agree, in a perfect world children wouldn’t be separated from their mothers, children wouldn’t grow up without fathers, marriages wouldn’t fall apart, cancer would cease to exsist, lives wouldn’t be ruined by addiction, death would not be able to take the young, people wouldn’t kill each other….and I’d be independently wealthy…oh, and I would also be able to bear children (lol), but it seems it just isn’t so 🙁 But it’s nice to think about 🙂
Wow, if he is 24 then I have a lot of reading to do!! Sorry to hear his parents haven’t at least just wanted to meet you at least once. I am sure they have their reasons and I won’t even begin to speculate what they are. If it were me, after all those years honestly, I’d probably be scared, but I think my curiosity would have gotten the better of me and I wouldn’t have been able to help myself from reaching out to you. It seems weird, cause what is going to happen when he gets married and stuff? That would be an awkward time to meet for the first time. I hope that one day they will have the desire to meet you.
Thanks for letting me comment,
Kerrilyn
~google is not liking me on your blog ;( therefore, had to go annonymous. Google…ya can’t live with it and ya can’t live without it.
“She will get to know him from here on out, but she hasn’t known him for the last 19 years of daily living.”
She doesn’t have to. The knowledge is deep.